They sound positively awful...

How does your husband feel about their behavior?
Does he intercede on your behalf?
Would he be comfortable with less contact?
And would he be open to talking about it in counseling?
Seems like a good idea if you're wanting to someday bring kids into the mix.

Man do I feel for you. What a horrible situation to deal with. The first thing I thought when reading your post was so what if the family gets mad, let them. You and your husband both seem to care way too much what the family thinks of you. You said that the uncle was guilt tripping you about you all going out with him and threatened not to invite you again. Who cares if he gets upset and mad and you probably don't want to get invited again anyway so just let it go.

I am a very respectful person to my elders but at some point you just have to stand up for yourself. But you did have an idea of what you were getting into before you go married. There is no way in hell I would let anyone plan my wedding for me or tell me who I had to invite. Now of course I would want their input into my guest list but I would not be dictated on who I have to have there.

I would like for you husband to stand up to this family. He is the one that should put a stop to it. But it sounds like they broke him over the years and he is weak. I can't help but think of this family as a horribly wrong take on Everybody Loves Raymond. The entire thing about you all getting a dog is just ridiculous. But I am someone who resists control and will rebel. If they would have insisted on us buying a house then I think I definitely would have waited and not bought one just to piss them off. Not that that is the answer but my gosh these people are just.....I can't even find words for them.

I also say you and your husband should start switching of holidays. What my DH and I do is one year we go to his parents for Thanksgiving and my parents for Christmas and then the opposite the next year. We are lucky in that our parents live in the same town so even though we do that we still always make an appearance if for just a short visit to both of our families.

I don't really get along very well with my SIL either. She and I don't hate each other or anything we just aren't close and never will be. She has made some life choices that I just can't agree with. She is with a very abusive boyfriend who she had a child with and she dropped out of college and went into stripping because he wanted her to. She has also been arrested for marijuana and prostitution. We have argued because I think she needs to get out of the situation and not keep her son in that unhealthy environment. But still she has not ever been out right rude to me. And she would never undress in front of family even though she does it for strangers for money.

I really don't want to tell you to do, except to just not stand for it anymore. You don't deserve to be treated that way at all.

Oh boy, do I feel you on this one. My future in laws are very, very similar. Although, not nearly the same degree as yours - for now, anyway lol. It's so easy to say, just ignore 'em but it doesn't really work practically if you've got people that are insistent upon getting their way at all costs.

Since we announced our engagement it has been non stop control mechanicisms. I can literally count on once a week they try something to interfere in the wedding plans (because our wedding is different than anyone they have had in the family, you see -- so it gives them the right to interfere.) Future mother in law kept harassing my SO and saying "do you even want me to go" to our wedding because we're not having a wedding like one they've had before and she doesn't get to plan (control) it.

So I thought I'd give her something to do to get her off of our backs, did it work? Nope, she didn't want to do it. But when we said, fine we'll do it, she wants to do it again after we've made plans. But she doesn't tell us, she tells her daughter who calls us and proceeds to announce they are doing X. Not ask, announce. And then they get put out when we say no, we've already decided etc. It's a non stop circle.

And holidays? Oh boy, they expect us to be there with whistles and bells on for the entire holiday. Not just Xmas eve or xmas afternoon. ALL of XMas Eve and ALL of Xmas Day and ALL of the day after Xmas. And my family doesn't count, at all. DD's traditions do not count, her father does not count. It's FAMILY, you know, only THEM. They cannot be apart and we have to pretend that my SO and his brothers/sisters are tiny little children again. Future mom in law has apparently told other "family" that I have never felt "family love" before and thats why I don't want to do all their traditions that are set in to place to honor only their family. Which is funny, I meant to post about that to see if anyone else had trouble with inlaws accepting a stepfamily.

Every boundary put in place is tested, every single one. So, I dont know at this point. We're going to see a counselor to see if there is anything else we can do but it may just ignore and cut down on time with them. The only saving grace about this has been my SO. He's not always quick to point out when they are doing something manipulative, but he does know they do that and knows there ways and he is willing to stop it too. If only we could find a way lol.

This family sounds absolutely awful!!! Have you ever thought of taking your husband and moving out of state? Like maybe a few states over....or across the country! I would not want to be around those people and the way that they act.

Being a close-knit family is one thing, but this sounds like something completely different. I too would not want to raise any children around these people! I do not blame you!

I honestly think the only way you will have a normal life is if you get far away from those relatives of your husbands. How long have you been enduring them for?

The thing I learned fast is there is no compromise with this family, it's their way or the highway. They don't appreciate any sacrifices I've made not seeing my family around the holidays, and like I've said, I've spent more with them than with my own, but they don't appreciate it at all. They expect the world to be handed to them on a platter.

And the holiday thing, we get the guilt trip if we want to leave early. You can't leave without eating breakfast, they give you the guilt trip though you have several hours to drive home, even if they know I want to see my family, or should I say ESPECIALLY if I want to see my family, I swear it's intentional. And breakfast is not quick toast or a bowl of cereal, it has to be a table full of fried and cooked food. There is no doubt in my mind they have done this intentionally, and they continue with LONG conversations throughout breakfast.

They force feed too. No matter how much you eat, you didn't eat enough and then you get dirty looks and negative comments about your appearance and how you are too skinny (which I am not). And, if you don't WANT to eat something, it's a guilt trip and nasty looks, "well, I MADE That for YOU" and more nasty looks as if you have to feel obligated to do things for them, including ingesting food you aren't hungry for or don't like. It's controlling. Its grandma forcing my husband to consume large amounts of her pie, but then she criticizes ME because my husband puts sugar in his coffee. It's always some innuendo about me not being a good enough wife, "well you just don't know" comments. And if you point out the obvious to her about the sugar and the pie (which has several cups of sugar in it), she'll respond by saying, we'll it's ok for him to eat pie. Of course, because this family lives their entire life by double standards.

I just cannot stand this woman, I think she is truly a mean spirit, and I don't mean to sound cruel, but I've never met someone so full of hate and contempt before, and one particular sister is JUST like her.

One of our friends just married someone who has an albino child. The Grandma remarked in typical derogatory fashion something to the effect that his wife gets social security for this child (as she should given that this child is and always will be handicapped). I mean, where do you get off? And then they all sit aroung gossiping how his fiancee is probably after his money. It's completely unsubstantiated, and mean, mean, mean. My husband DOES NOT talk that way about people. I couldn't imagine having kids around them. There are no words.

In his defense, my husband does stand up to his family, but you can't control people like this, it's not his ability to control their actions, he can only speak his mind, and he does, though it took him awhile to get there. After the third time his sisters treated me like crap, he put his foot down and all hell broke loose, and now he speaks up, for example, if Grandma scolds me because I took a piece of toast from the table during dinner that was supposed to be for "someone else". No joke. I wasn't allowed to shower at her house during an overnight stay because 20 years ago another in-law with whom she chooses to bash constantly took a shower and the basement backed up. She's really mean spirited, to say the least, but I have to be careful in speaking my thoughts because it's still my husbands family. I can tell it breaks his heart that they don't accept me, or anyone for that matter. He thinks the only way anyone would accept his wife is if she were totally subservient. That's not me. I'm independent, but also very respectful and quiet until I get to know you. Still, I think this is my means of coping, but I daydream at times about telling his family that they are just evil mean spirited *itches, and I'm not that way. I don't visit them often, and I will NEVER stay at the grandmothers house again, nor the sisters.

I feel bad for him too, this is really hard on him, but he was always the sibling that went along with whatever everyone else wanted and all the women in the family control everything, but he's that kind of person - laid back, funny, gets along with everyone. But they don't treat him the same, as I said earlier, they treat you differently if you don't do what they want you to do, it's another control mechanism. We don't really go "out" with the Uncle anymore, and most the parties we attend are holiday parties with family and friends, which can't always be avoided, but I've had enough of the overbearing baby comments. I think the decision to have a child or whether we're trying is between me and my husband. They just don't know how to mind their own business.

The whole thing before the wedding, I had bigger issues to deal with in caring for my Mom than to worry about the wedding plans and the house stuff, I didn't have the energy to focus on any of that, though it was overbearing nonetheless. I think if circumstances were different, I'd have handled it differently, but I just wanted it to be over with and focus on what mattered in my life at the time - and that was my mother. She was my first priority.

We always say, man, I never knew it would be this difficult, and I think for most people it isn't, but I would consider myself a complete failure if my children ever grew up learning this behavior, and that's what scares me to death. I mean, I had enough problems with my dogs, I couldn't imagine what it would be like with kids.

We are planning to pursue a family counselor. It's not going to change his family, but maybe they'll give us some techniques on how to cope with it. It's especially hard when you got it coming from every angle, so many different family members. Ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping...endlessly. It's NO FUN anymore. I tell that to my husband all the time. It just stopped being fun.

The worst part, my husband has always been close with his family, and he does feel disconnected, but he's tired of it too. I feel bad for him as much if not more than I do for myself. Not to play the victim, that's not who I am, but I am at the end of my rope and really can't tolerate this anymore.

Can you believe they consider themselves devout Christians??? It gives me an entirely new perspective on people who go to church religiously....I don't go regularly nor did I ever claim to, but I'll tell you, I was always taught not to judge a book by its cover, and to base your decision on someone based on who they are in their heart. Certainly going to church every day doesn't make you a good person, not that doing so makes you less either. I guess my point is, you don't have to go to church to proclaim your faith in god or to be a good hearted person, I'm better than they are and I don't have to go to church every day to believe it, I am confident with who I am, and maybe that's what they're threatened by. That's my take on the religion end of it.

Thanks for letting me vent here. I'm glad people are here to listen. And I hope your situation isn't as bad as mine, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy!

honestly it would be justified to be estranged from these people, no contact. if your DH wants to keep communication with them, fine, but you don't have to. don't let them in your house and don't go to theirs. sorry, maybe it is harsh, but there is no way with people like this. life is too short. it sounds like corporal punishment what they do to you.

I think developing a REALLY thick skin will help some. Please know I'm NOT suggesting their behavior is good or even tolerable; they do sound hugely difficult. But it's also possible you've become sensitized (for good reasons!) and are allowing their behavior to bother you more than absolutely necessary.

It's interesting -- I did a little research project once on MILs and DILs and causes of strife between them. In the course of that research, I read a few scholarly studies (there weren't many), but one point they all agreed on was that most MILs truly wanted a good relationship with their DILs, and that many DILs were too sensitive to criticism, perceiving many remarks as critical when that genuinely wasn't their intent. Take the 'sugar in DH's coffee' thing. I guess I have a thick skin, but I wouldn't consider that a criticism of me as a wife. What - I'm supposed to monitor his sugar intake? He's an adult. I'd probably just say "He's OK" or You think? -- something noncommittal and then not worry about it at all. The force feeding? Probably a deeply ingrained cultural habit. Same with the 'too skinny!' comments. (If they force feed, they're probably mostly on the larger side, eh?)

Bottom line - You don't like them; you suspect they don't like you. (Though it doesn't sound like they hate you either.) That's actually OK, since they're not getting between you and your husband. In fact, that might even make it easier to distance yourself emotionally and keep everything superficially nice. (That's important, IMO) Plus, it sounds like your husband's got your back and that when it comes to his family, he's pretty much got his head on straight.

I think you'll come through this OK and that counselling could really help.

"The thing I learned fast is there is no compromise with this family, it's their way or the highway."

I would definitely opt for the highway.

Seriously, why don't you move away? Why would you continue to subject yourself to them?

Assuming that this very long post is for real:

"We are Borg" is a Star Trek phrase.

The Borg are a vast conglomerate in which there are no individuals;
the conglomerate is always conquering new planets & "assimilating", consuming, absorbing the residents to increase its power.

Once someone has been assimilated, that person no longer says, "I am so-and-so", indeed, no longer has the concept of "I".

If you ask one of the "units", "Who are you?", the reply is "We are Borg".

Those who resist assimilation are destroyed.

Get out now & "opt for the highway", it's the only way to keep yourself as an individual separate from this vast conglomerate.

I wish you the best.

I have a question and a few comments -

First, does everyone attend every family gathering with their spouse, or should I say do you feel it's inappropriate to attend WITHOUT your spouse? With good reason of course, like, oh my spouse had other plans with thier family today, or whatever. I ask because, If I don't attend a family gathering with him, say if I have other plans and he goes alone, he says they all start to whisper. I mean, something as simple as a "Christmas in July" party, nothing exactly important from a standpoint of social functions. It's more or less a drinking and eating party. I'm wondering everyone else's standpoint on this - my husband is always with the belief that we should show up together, but perhaps his grandma has pounded that insecurity into his head over the years.

My family has always been very independent, so I don't see the big deal showing up at a function without someone at your side - to me, that's promoting insecurity. I don't need my husband at my side constantly to feel secure about our marriage. I get the strong family bond thing, but to look at it and assume that it's something BAD to arrive separately or for only one spouse to attend is a downright negative attitude, i.e. the whispers. We were painting one year, had plans to go to a family party, but of course being in the sun all day painting, I needed to shower. They wouldn't drive separate from me (and our destination is in the same city), they kept insisting that we'd drive together, and yet, they got upset because they had to wait around for me to get ready. It's a social drinking party that was scheduled at 6:00. I don't usually arrive at exactly the specified time unless I know there will be dinner or other specific plans, these parties aren't like that. It's just show up, everyone hangs around and socializes, drinks, and grabs some hor d'eouvres. I always take my own car from now on, it's ridiculous.

As far as other comments, I guess "opting for the highway" is an alternative, but truly I'd do that only as a last resort. I don't believe in running from my problems, I'd rather resolve it, but at the same time I'm realistic in that I do not expect them to change, the only thing I can do is learn how to deal with it, and hopefully counseling will help with that. It's so hard to establish boundaries when people have no respect at all for boundaries to begin with.

Also, speakig of reality, just getting up and moving isn't exactly feasible, especially in this housing and job market. There's so much more to consider such as established careers, other family members, other friends, way more complicated than a simple hey lets move I despise your family thing. I wouldn't want to move BECAUSE of his family, it wouldn't feel right. It doesn't change the fact that the are still and always will be my husbands family, and I certainly don't expect to pull him away from his own family because I don't care for them. I think a spouses role is to support their spouse, but alienating your entire family is pretty extreme, or expecting your spouse to alienate them is a lot to ask.

But, long term, we do plan on moving, though not for these reasons. Meanwhile, I have to deal with the problem as it's not going to go away.

And, chuckle, yes, Grandma is a little thick and LOVES to eat. It's her whole life. I probably am overly sensitive, but the distinction is that when it reaches this level, there really is NO distinction between mild or harsh criticism, it's ALL criticism, no laughs, and that's when it becomes no fun and just wears you down. Seriously, there have been times that I have been laughing with someone, and she'll walk over and abruptly tell me to do something, as if she doesn't want me to have a good time. I just think she genuinely has a mean spirit, she loves to hate people. Grandma or not, young or old, mean is mean is mean is mean. I don't enjoy being around mean people, and I get embarrassed when I see that they treat other people that way. I've never met a family like this before, who lives their entire lives in a tangled web of total hypocrisy and mean spirit.

Trust me, this is my life, it's very real, and yes, I do type a lot to vent my frustrations..does my post seem that outlandish? Geez, maybe it's worse than I thought.

I am not a troll, and pattybags not my real name for purposes of preserving my identity.

Nice analogy though. Maybe I should get a "We Are Borg" t-shirt to wear when they are around. LOL. My husband will get a kick out of that.

No. I don't attend every family function with my DH nor does he with me.

If I were you, I'd disconnect.

I did have the thought that maybe the long post was steam blowing out a pressure cooker, but I definitely wouldn't make a funny out of this.

It isn't cute, & it isn't funny, & it wouldn't be good to have your husband think that it is.

As silversword said, disconnect.

I wish you the best.

Deafness and density can also be great assets. They can't actually make you do something you don't want to do, so sweetly insisting on doing what you want so you don't trouble them then completely ignoring their protests. So long as you're sweet (but *dense*) there's not too much they can do about it.

You're in the South right? (I'm learning to just love the South! So long as you're sweet on the surface, you can get away with practically anything here!)

Sweeby, I'm not in the south. :)

I have walked away from them..one time I took my car on my own, practically ran out the door because I knew I'd get hounded, then when I arrived at my destination, they were there, immediately they started to say something to me and I swiftly walked away and completely ignored the issue. I think they got the hint, but that was one of the easiest family members.

The rest of them will hound.

Short of counseling and without the entire family getting involved, I don't know how much good it will do other than giving us a means to cope, but I agree, I have to keep my distance. This year, I have already told my husband, "I have plans" during all the family gatherings.

I guess over the years, I feel like I've lost my identity. Not that I've changed who I am, I am true to myself, but I feel...confined, inhibited, and sad really. I need to get my identity back.

Thanks everyone for listening.

That's sad Patty. You do need to get yourself back!!!

I like Sweeby's suggestion. When they don't want you to have your own car, say something like:

"oh, thank you so much, but I wouldn't want to inconvenience you.... I don't want to intrude... I wouldn't want to make you go out of your way for me... I don't want to be a bother."

Finish with a smile, as bright as you can make it. Play dense. Sweet. And dense.

Repeat until they shut up or walk away. (or you can walk away. as long as you're smiling and making verbal noise that suggests you wouldn't ever want to inconvenience them, you look like spun sugar)

Works on kids too!
If you make sure they hear you, then sweetly give an answer/instruction and LEAVE before they get their whines out -- you win!

Maybe I'm just in a bad mood tonight but it doesn't sound like anything you do will EVER make them happy - so why try...?? I would personally try my hand at some amateur acting and strive to be the most repulsive daughter/sister-in-law that I could be!!! Maybe, just maybe YOU could drive THEM screaming in the other direction!! Give them some reasons to pray that you WON'T come to the next holiday! Why grow thick skin? My goal would be to dish better than them all!

But again, I'm feeling a bit cranky tonight!

It's so wierd it doesn't sound real to me.

Reading your, I think it was your second post, what I got out of it is that they like to guilt trip you and your DH. You know what that only works if you let them. Don't feel guilty and it sounds like you and your DH would be fine. Let it go, if they want to make their comments then let them. Just don't let it get to YOU. You can not control how these people act but you can control how you respond and how you feel.

Guilt trips only work if you allow them to. You need to get to the point that you do not care what they think.

Maybe I'm in a crabby mood, too, but I think lonepiper is onto something.

I have a "friend" who says the most spiteful, hateful, ridiculing things...
until I jump down her throat.

Then she behaves herself.

I do believe it is real.

My best friend has a family like that, her own mother, stepfather and grandmother. Evil people. Her own grandmother used to call me and ask to talk to her granddaughter about losing weight because she is so FAT and looks ugly. she is not a small girl but certainly is not obese or ugly plus how did grandma expected me to handle it?

more so grandma would call my best friend and say: I even called finedreams to complain about you being fat.

they always embarrass her in public and put her down.

yes she is not allowed to take her own car or have her own vacations with her DH, everything has to be with mom and grandma. If she does go on vacation with DH then they say she must have a lot of money and should share with them. I don't want to hijack but there are people like this. I believe it is true.

Ok, so for others to think it is weird to read it, imagine how I felt when I first met them. I get that it may sound off the wall, but who could honestly make this up? I have to laugh, my gosh, I WISH it were all a joke.

I was so absolutely confused when I met them, not only am I in the beginning stage of my relationship with my now husband, but the confusion with the fact that I AM A GOOD PERSON, and yet, everything I did in their eyes was wrong, and after so much of that you begin to question yourself. It's difficult enough to learn the dynamics of a family, but a family like this is just overwhelming. Like I said, I never met a family like this before. I recently made the cult analogy to my husband as a joke, then I started thinking that their behavior really is cultish.

Sylvia, one thing I noticed about the Grandma is she does back down when the other "outsider" (I'll call her "Suzy") in the family stands up to her, but it's short lived. That marriage had years of problems because of the Grandma, and they finally moved out of state. When I first met the family, they'd all talk about the Suzy and bash her constantly, behind her back of course. And I thought, oh my gosh she must be a terrible person. Then, I met her, and she was totally nice to me, and I could tell she felt uncomfortable around the family. That's when things started to click, and I slowly began to realize that Grandma feeds everyone with her negativity, and I think the daughters learned this from the Grandma. So when I finally had the blow up with the sisters, and the family came back to me faulting me and blaming me for how I communicated with them by email, I was so completely frustrated and I went off on a tangent about all the nasty things I felt about this family, and told them how I think they treat people with such disrespect, especially Suzy. My husband grew up with it his whole life, and was so used to it that he never realized it until I started pointing it out. He knew his sisters were rude and warned me, so I don't mean it like he's completely oblivious, but when I asked him if Suzy had ever been rude to him, he said no, and then I started to point out how your family always bashes her, but it never seems justified, then he started to pay attention, and realized much of it was a fabrication from Grandma's negative attitude. Suzy is like me, she isn't really one to conform, though she's not rude either, but everyone has a breaking point. From what I hear, they've had a lot of marital problems and I suspect it's because of Grandma and the family. I mean, come on, anytime you are in the presence of people who whisper when your back is turned, you CAN tell, you can sense it. That's what the sisters have done to me, and I suspect they've learned that from Grandma.

I get what everyone is saying about be nice and gently disagree, but they are so persistent it's irritating. And, you can't have a conversation with one person, they all have to chime in together, so it's like you against all of them. When I get frustrated, you can see that I'm frustrated. And they get defensive. I've learned to start walking away, when I can, but sometimes I regret not saying something, and at the same time I don't want to be "that person" at the party who crashed it because she blew her stack. LOL.

Lonepiper, I do agree - I'll never be good enough, and my attitude is changing to the idea that if you don't like me for who I am, too bad, get over it. I suppose my distancing myself from them is my way of rebelling. If I get visibly angry with them, I get the "well EXCUSE me" attitude, and then they won't come over for a year, which frustrates my husband that they ostracize us. So, it's a viscious circle. If my husband didn't have a close bond with his family, I could care less, but again, I also have to think of his needs, so I try to be the bigger person.

Txnursing, it's not that we let the guilt trip get to us, it's the anger that follows it that I can't stand. It's like dealing with a five year old. The Uncle is the worst. It'll be like this - he'll ask us to come over. My husband will say that we have plans with my family. Then he'll insist on my family coming over. THAT appalls me, as if my whole family is supposed to change their plans because what Uncle has going on is more important or better than what my family could possibly be doing. Seriously, that's his attitude, and he's very pretentious, everything is about "image" and he acts like people want to live his lifestyle of entertaining everyone all the time. Sometimes we just want to sit home and watch a movie. Screw your image if you are a nasty person, right? He doesn't ask us much anymore, but now it's like we've been ostracized. We get invited to family functions, more or less like it's expected of him, but that's it. And, he's given me the cold shoulder since I didn't go up during a holiday and kiss his family's butt after the sister incident - they wanted me to "brush it under the carpet" and swallow my pride once again (oh, and this was an "intervention" that took place at a mutual friends house). I stood my ground, refused to spend the holiday with the family, and this is the end result. My husbands friend said to me at that time, why do you always have to swallow your pride and they just keep treating you like crap and it's supposed to be ok? Honestly, it's reached a point where I'm bordering on despising them, but I think that's a good thing because a healthy attitude in this situation can only be one of, "I don't give a crap" what they think.

silversword, your response made me laugh. I wonder what they'd do if I plugged my ears and did the, "la la la la la la la la" as I walk away. *Chuckle*

"why do you always have to swallow your pride and they just keep treating you like crap and it's supposed to be ok? "

Good question. After my DH just wasn't treated well (and I'm talking ignored rather than mistreated) and he didn't feel comfortable with some of my family, I told him he didn't have to participate anymore if he didn't want to. He got a free-get-out-of-family-activity pass. He's welcome, but if he doesn't want to go, and I feel obligated, I will make whatever excuse necessary to excuse his non-attendance.

He has gone with me before (since I gave him the out), but we both feel better going knowing that he chose to go rather than "had" to go. And he, in turn, always says he will go if I need the support. He thinks I am being generous, and I think he is being generous. It's made us a lot stronger as a couple, and I recognize that it's their problem, not his.

I think you and your DH need to have a talk. It's completely unnecessary to spend time with toxic people.

"why do you always have to swallow your pride and they just keep treating you like crap and it's supposed to be ok? "

I don't think you do;
in fact, I think "turning the other cheek" just gives these people the chance to slap that one, too.

For years, I thought I could reason with people, make them see that what they were doing didn't make sense *& that that would make them change*.

nope.

With dogs & with people who enjoy conflict, only actions beget actions.

You can say "no!" to a dog all day long, but if he has your cat's head in his mouth, chances are he won't drop it until he's entirely finished with it;
you have to grab him & pry his jaws off it & throw him to the ground & sit on him until he submits.

If you & your husband insist on staying in this family, then you're going to have to pry Grandma's jaws open, extricate yourself, smack her down, & sit on her until she submits.

&, as someone said above, it will never be over;
you'll have to do it "on demand" for the rest of your life because when Grandma's gone, her understudy will step into her place.

As silversword said, it's time for the 2 of you to have a talk.

& you can tell him that he *can* cut ties with blood relatives;
sometimes it's the only way to live one's own life "relatively" unharassed.

It sounds to me like you are trying to respond with politeness and civility to people who are neither of those. That has to stop. Even if you do not disassociate yourself from these people physically you MUST emotionally. It is very difficult for someone who was brought up with reasonable, well-mannered people to deliberately NOT be polite and courteous but that is just simply not going to work in this situation.

I am not suggesting that you be flat-out rude, but that you not bend over backwards to be agreeable either. If someone asks you extremely personal information, calmly respond that it is personal and you do not wish to discuss it. And keep repeating just that, no more, if they press the issue. If they are maliciously gossiping, calmly walk out of the room or out of the house. If they are blatantly rude to you, calmly respond that their behavior was offensive. Do not be drawn into arguments. Do not, under any circumstances, start justifying yourself, your family, your husband, or your behavior to them.

These people are emotional bullies and all bullies view any politeness as weakness. It does not matter if they do not like you; I don't think they like themselves. Trying to please them is pointless so stop trying.

Best of luck to you! The best that you'll ever get from the in-laws is tolerable, where you don't end up bursting into tears at the thought of a visit. Maybe soon it'll only end up seeming like having dental work done.