I'm considered pretty conservative around here. I don't wear clingy clothes, spandex, etc. I insist DS teenager wears untorn, unwrinkled to visit grandparents, and try to stop the jeans from showing more than two inches of his boxers. Other than that, oh, well. Personally I have more trouble with his slouching and bad posture. I'm a teacher, and I don't like kids coming to school in beachwear, ie. very short tops and shorts. Parents don't get it and when we try to insist, there's trouble. OTOH, I have not shaved my arms or legs since I was 14, and then only enough to realize it's not for me. Therefore, there's very little, since the constant removal makes it heavier. But heaven forbid I should wear a sleeveless shirt or skirts at work!!! I'm called dirty, unkempt, un-feminine and slovenly. By my co-workers. The judgement is amazing. My tattoo, though, is ok. Odd. As a young girl in the late 50's, my mom put my sisters and I in blue jeans and my grandmother (she of the white gloves) was horrified. I also get in social trouble cause I don't give a darn about what's in fashion, just what looks decent and is comfy. I wear no makeup, don't dye my hair. (I'm not going grey, I'm turning silver). I refuse high heels. I have, however, been known to paint my toenails and wear perfume!! There are many here who try to look forever 19, and it's silly & a waste of money, men as well as women. People watching for me is a constant delight and I do it all the time, and yes, I sometimes wonder if they own a mirror, but, frankly, I wonder more about their lives and hopes, than their clothes. There is a thin line between "allowing" folks to dress as they please and too much information, but the fashion/beauty industry has some folks so besotted with image that many just toss the baby out with the bathwater. Fashion dictates that thin people's clothes should just be made larger for the un-thin, so I ignore them. What I really find disturbing is the trend encouraging pubescent girls to dress like 20-something sexbombs, and the lengths to which parents will go to go along with it and exclaim how grown up they look. But that's another thread.......Batya

Thanks for the advice so far- it is very helpful. Paigect, we had considered moving closer to his kids a year ago, but it is not an option right now because of our jobs. There are also issues with his ex harrassing him (obscene phone calls and the like) and it seems that the stress level for my fiance is lower with him living away from her. I am not clear as to how much the autistic child depends on his father as part of his routine. When he was in my house, the child was very stressed and wanted to leave the whole weekend to go home, although we did everything possible to keep him occupied. Because of this, I believe it is just too disruptive to him to be traveled. He also acted the same way in his grandparents' house for the first few months until he adjusted to the routine there. But, because of the severity of his condition, I do not know if he would even notice the difference between monthly and twice-monthly visits. I don't want to make that assumption having never been exposed to a developmentally disabled child, but it seems to me that an infant would notice her dad gone more than he will. When he was here, his father did most of the caretaking, but because the autistic child needs so much supervision, I ended up taking care of the girl the whole time and cooking all meals for the family, etc. which was hard because I had been working all week and had no down time(my job demands a lot of me during the week). It is true that I have not been as active as I should be with going with my fiance to visit his kids at his parents'. This has been largely due to my pregnancy, but I do agree that after the baby is born I could, and plan to, take a more active role in going up there with him and spending time with the kids. The baby's grandparents will want to see her, regardless, and it is important to me that we are providing them with that opportunity. My fiance is trying to make alternate arrangments with his brother to bring the kids to the brother's house once a month to alleviate the stress on his ill mother. I hope his brother will accomodate this. I feel that it is not only exhausting to the grandma and to me to have him driving so far every weekend, but to my fiance to make this trip twice a month. Once a month would be more managable, and there is no reason why a 13 year old could not take the train here alone (after a practice run with dad). I also agree that he feels a great deal of guilt for the situation his children are in due to having divorced parents and probably overcompensating. Compounding it, is his ex wife not handling the situation very well. She has been living with someone else for longer than we have been together, but seems to be very jealous that her ex is doing fine without her and about to start a family with someone new. I have never met or talked to her and prefer to keep it that way, and my fiance tries to keep a business-type relationship with her. However, she has been feeding information to the daughter that her father will not want to see her and the son anymore once the baby is born, and this has created jealously between the daughter and the baby even though the baby is not born. I can only hope that the daughter will grow out of this or that the jealousy will be smaller once she meets her little sister. I do not know if it is normal behavior for a 13 year old to express such extreme jealousy toward a baby sister (she tells her dad that he is ruining her life by having this baby, that she was happy being the only girl, that she hates the baby). Otherwise, she is well behaved with me and I have enjoyed having her here the 2 times she came to visit. I have a wonderful relationship with my stepmother and hope that over time we will, too. The ex wife is sure to be very unhappy if we try to reduce the amount of time he is picking up the autistic son, as she seems to want to go out to bars and party a great deal, and cannot find another babysitter. It seems strange to me that she never wants her kids on the holidays. What she thinks matters very little to me, but the fact that she drags the girl into it makes the situation harder. To me, it is not appropriate to say anything negative about the other parent in front of the child. I believe that my fiance has a certain level of fear that she will try to take the kids away from him (which is ridiculous, he is a wonderful father to those kids and she would have no grounds in court). It is a complicated situation, and I just don't want to be selfish and whiny about it. I understand that there are real challenges associated with marrying a man is divorced with kids from a previous marriage, but I also believe very strongly that my baby deserves a normal life, and I don't want my only baby to miss out on time with her father. Again, I have no idea how much an infant needs her father but I expect that being away from home 2 weekends a month would interfere with their bonding. I can handle a great deal here on my own, and he does work very hard to contribute to this household while he is here, but to be gone so much seems excessive. All of this, I have discussed with my fiance, and he understands, but I can tell he feels a great deal of guilt and I don't want to make him abandon his children. Just the opposite. I just want to make sure I am not out of line for feeling this way because I don't want to make the situation even more unfair for all involved when there are 3 kids this affects. Any more opinions on this, I would really enjoy hearing- and thanks again for the input.

Update... First off, thank you all very much for every single comment, advice and resource! Of course, I did my own research, but getting a varied response of peoples views is what is really helpful. I went through every comment and summarized a point by point list of advice, resources and Do's and Dont's for this person. We met a couple of days ago. he still thought he wanted to sell his home and just be done with it. I was able to show him how spending $7000 to get $8000 is not a smart financial move, on top of the fact that he would no longer own a home, no longer have any equity to his name and on top of it all, be paying more per month in rent. He eventually saw the light, and is not going to sell. He found a room mate yesterday for $500/month, and he is going to call the collection agency's Attorney every week to offer what he thinks he can afford. This way, we thought he could show this effort to any future Judge and the Judge could see that it was them that were saying no to a settlement as opposed to the other way around. I told him to keep track of every correspondence, and to bring this to court if they sue him. (The "summons" he told me about was not a summons at all... it was a certified letter delivered by the Sheriff, just explaining that the agency had now hired an attorney to handle all negotiations. The attorney was the last person he spoke to who refused his offer. There is no court date set.) Thanks again for your help. He feels much better now.

rgreen: "2) Huh? I haven't said a word about anyone either being allowed, or not allowed to get married." Actually, you have. "Using the term 'whackos' is an example of a person who metaphorically places themselves in the middle of a crowd, and points at others and says... "look at them. they are different, and crazy. We should not have anything to do with them or their ideas." No, it is not that at all. Using the term 'whackos' is done when one identifies that such a person is being irrational in their thought process, i.e.: "whacko". "t is intolerance and judging at its worst. It's one step away from being the enemy you claim to stand against." No, it is not. Wrong again. and "enemy"????? Good grief. "Tolerance is not only accepting that people act and think differently from yourself, but also making allowances for those differences." No, it's not. "Tolerance" is offensive. It's putting up with something you don't like. So I have tolerance for right wing religious loons. I put up with them, but I don't like them. What you are trying to refer to is acceptance and embracement. Totally different things than tolerance. A gay friend of mine once told me that he is so offended when people talk about "tolerating" gay people. "Following through with the reasoning found in your comment, people who have a religious reason to not perform same-sex marriages should be barred from serving in such Government, and civil service positions that are given authority to perform marriages." Correct. Fire those guys in Texas. They're imposing their personal whackadoodle religious views on the government. That is not supposed to be done in the US. "So, a religious litmus test for who gets to work in Government!!!??? Wow... talk about a slippery slope?" No, of course not. You're a Christian/Muslim/Hassidic/ Hindu…fundamentalist and you want to work for the government? Sure. Go ahead. But leave your religion at home when you do. If you can't, then no, you can't work for the government.