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Don't know what to do!!

Posted by geoedwards (My Page) on
Fri, Mar 27, 09 at 12:04

Hi everyone. I just wanted to see if anyone can give me advice. Last night, my daughter refused to kiss her little brother and it made my husband, which isn't her bio-dad, get really upset. He told her that she had to go straight to bed and he wasn't going to pick her up from daycare to hang out. I sent my daughter to her room and said that I would come in and talk to her later. I told my husband that the kids are siblings and have to develope their own relationship. He started yelling at me and telling me that I spoil her too much and that I love her more than our son. My daughter could hear everything that was said!!! He started belittling me in front of my son. He then left for a couple of hours. I put my son down for bed and got my daughter to come talk with me about what had just happened. I had to hold back tears as she asked, why did Paul leave, is it my fault. She is only 5 years old!!! I had to explain to her that sometimes adults fight and that she is still loved and I apologized that she had to hear us fight. This morning, he wrote me a letter saying that I love my daughter more than our son and that I don't contibute to the family as much as he does financialy. Needless to say, I am tired of it all. I love both of my kids equally. He says that I do not understand what it is like to be a step parent. Does anyone know of any books that I can buy for my husband? Or maybe he should go to counceling.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Don't know what to do!!

You should both go to counselling.

Also, nobody should ever be made to kiss anyone else under any circumstances.


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RE: Don't know what to do!!

Geo, that's rough. I don't think kids should be forced to kiss anyone, even their little brothers. And this is a major over-reaction. Sounds like he is upset about something else. And I'd wager it's that he's feeling step-parent issues that he doesn't know how to express. Have you two talked about how you parent, how you want to parent, what is expected of both of the kids?

I don't think it was appropriate for the two of you to fight where she could hear, but it's a part of life and the important part is that she can see that adults fight, and then they deal with it in an appropriate way. The outcome of this will have more impact than the fight. How you make up is just as important.


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RE: Don't know what to do!!

Being a stepparent is hard! When you feel like your child is being treated unfairly by any child it upsets you, but I think more so when it is by another child in your home.

I have been upset with my stepkids at times for the way they treat my bioson. My 3 stepkids seemed to have this little clique when we first entered the picture. And it seemed like my son would never be a part of their clique. It made me so sad to watch him be left out. It just broke my heart.

I felt like here I was taking care of them all the time and their own mother was not even in the picture...and then they repay me by being jerks to my child! I had to really step back and realize these are children I was thinking of and they needed to be shown how to treat eachother!

So I was proactive about it. I tried to initiate activities that would be fun for them all to do together.
When my younger ss would have trouble with something I would encourage to ask his big brother (my son) for help. I would try to encourage my two sd's to do things with my son too. At times if they were being outright mean I had to step in and let them know it was not acceptable.

Years later they now all have a pretty good relationship. My sd who is closest in age to him seems to be the most distant from him and at times I feel sad about it. But then I realize that they are close in age and only one grade apart in school so this behavior is normal. Even real siblings can act this way at times.

Tell your dh you understand his feelings...you can understand them without agreeing with them! And just keep trying to encourage that bond between the kids. A 5 year old girl should be pretty excited about helping her little brother with things. You can make her feel like a big girl doing things with him and showing him all the things she is good at!

In our home we all give eachother hugs goodnight. I do not see the harm in everyone hugging eachother goodnight...you and dh included! It has become routine in our home.

As for everything else all you can do in encourage the bond by doing things with them together. And make it fun! If you tell her that she "HAS" to do this or that with her brother it seems forced and can be disliked by her.


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RE: Don't know what to do!!

It is really hard sometimes because I see the hurt in my daughters eyes when my husband only plays with our son. He acts like he is the 5 year old at times. It makes me so angry. I love my husband. I love my kids, but sometimes I can't take how he is with my daughter. He scowls and yells at her when she has done something to upset him.He has the nerve to say that my daughter is malicious and only gives affection when she wants something. I think he makes up excuses to show why he acts the way he does with her. He has been in my daughters life since she was 24 months and sees her bio dad for a couple of hours a week. I am so confused on what to do... :(


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RE: Don't know what to do!!

When I posted before I thought this issue was just between your children and how your husband dealt with that.

Now I see the issue is definately with your husband. Your daughter is 5!!! How could she be malicious?? It sounds like your husband resents her. How does he feel about her father? Could he be projecting his feelings about her father onto her?

The way he handled the situation (yelling at you and leaving the house) is poor at best!

It does sound like he needs some parenting help! I am sure some other girls on here can suggest some books he may want to read. Have you tried calmly talking to him about this behavior? If that does not work then maybe he needs a neutral 3rd party (such as a counselor) to talk to him about it. Has anyone in his family seen this behavior from him? If so maybe they could talk to him about it.

It has to stop or it is going to hurt your daughter and ruin her childhood.


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RE: Don't know what to do!!

mom2email,
He doesn't dislike my ex. He is very corgil with him and even calls him when he wants to take my daughter alone anywhere. I think he tries to like my daughter, but I can tell he would be happy if it was just my son, him, and me. I HATE THAT!!! I think counceling is probably my next step because I do not want to invole my or his family. If that doesn't work, my kids come first and I will not let anyone hurt them emotionally and scar them for life.


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RE: Don't know what to do!!

Geo said: "He has the nerve to say that my daughter is malicious and only gives affection when she wants something."

Well, speaking as a SM, sometimes it can feel that way.
But when that feeling sneaks in, you have to step back and say "No, my SC is just being a regular kid."
My SS is 10, and there are moments when I feel like he does things specifically to p!ss me off... But when I think about it rationally, he'd probably be doing the same thing whether I was there or not. He's not being malicious or spiteful towards me, he's just being a kid.
So, even though I see how your DH might feel that way, he needs to give his head a shake! He's the grown-up here and should have the brains to think rationally about his feelings.

I'm with the previous posters who have suggested family counseling.


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RE: Don't know what to do!!

"he would be happy if it was just my son, him, and me."

Why on earth are you subjecting your 5-year-old daughter to this horror?

& he punishes her for *not kissing* someone?
How long do you think it'll be before he punishes her for not kissing him?
not kissing him on the lips?

Already he claims that she's malicious & calculating, a very mature & "female" "transgression".

This scares the liver out of me, & add to it the way he treats you, screaming, walking out (punishing), telling you that you don't "contribute", etc.

That's control & manipulation & if it isn't already abuse, it's well on its way.

Counselling or not, the rage & blame will get worse & worse.

If the 3 of you continue to live in the same home, both you & your daughter will pay a terrible price.

I wish you the best.


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RE: Don't know what to do!!

Ditto Sylvia.


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RE: Don't know what to do!!

I think you need to get to the root of the problem and decide whether or not it is something that can be worked out. What are his concerns....what are yours and then see if you can come to a happy medium. If not it may be time to move on for everyones best interest.

I'm not talking about your daughter in particular but I HAVE to say this since I have (count em') TWO 5 year old step daughters....they most certainly CAN be sneaky and mallicious. They are nasty to each other in an oh so subtle way all the time. They rub things in each others faces while Playing "sweet".

For example N got in trouble and didn't get dessert one night. R sat up at the table and went on and on and on about how fabulous her yogurt was....the entire time smiling like a genuine bully and starring straight at N who was crying while watching her devour it. If thats not mallicious I don't know what is. Obviously R lost her dessert as well:)

R has also been busted terrorizing the cat on MULTIPLE occasions and on a much more serious note threw a boot at the baby while she sat in the swing. N ratted her out. Needless to say she was in a huge heap of steaming trouble for that one. We don't spank very often but had that boot hit the baby she would of been in for a good one.

I'm not saying your daughter is or isn't malicious but yes they are capable of it. There are playground bullies in thier kindergarten class as well. Kids can be mean at very young ages.


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RE: Don't know what to do!!

I just felt like I had to second doodle ... I have two girls about the same age and man oh man they absolutely can be mallicious and very calculating... and just down right mean.... but kids will be kids.

"I think you need to get to the root of the problem and decide whether or not it is something that can be worked out. What are his concerns....what are yours and then see if you can come to a happy medium. If not it may be time to move on for everyones best interest. "

ditto


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RE: Don't know what to do!!

I agree with Sylvia 100% here. And I wonder what even lead up to the refusal to kiss her brother. Did stepfather tell her to and then she refused? Why was a kiss even required? I'm sorry, but that gives me all kinds of heebie jeebies.

I understand all kids are manipulative, it's their nature. But I didn't see anything manipulative about refusing to give physical affection. Most people grow up with the knowledge that they control who they give affection too and it's a very normal and healthy trait. What is this little girl going to learn by being forced to kiss someone? That she must kiss anyone who wants to kiss her? She is bad for not doing so? I think most women here can see where I'm going with this...and Sylvia said it best, who is she required to kiss next....ugh, I want to throw up now.


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RE: Don't know what to do!!

pardon me but your DH sounds like a creep.


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