"My ex is coming to visit our kids after not seeing them for several years for various reasons: mostly because he has been in a downward life spiral. I think he is getting his life back in order."

So far, so good.

"He absolutly hates my SO who we all live with. He feels that he "stole his family" This is not the case. We did not meet until after we were separated."

Ex is not in touch with reality ... can you get him into counseling as a condition of visiting? (who has custody? what is visitation mandate?) This is not good, as he could decide that if he gets rid of SO he can get you back.
RIGHT NOW, find out how to get an order of protection if you need one. EX vs SO can get ugly quickly.

"We have been divorced since 1998 and he refuses to accept any of it. He tells the kids that he still loves their mom yet any talk we have he comes from an adversarial (sp) position."

Typical narcissist: it's all about him, and he can't see anyone else as existing except to serve his needs.

"He told me that he will be coming for the WHOLE summer. Now keep in mind he is very very behind on his support. In fact he has paid nothing in over three years."

And where does he plan to live? Have you considered geting him arrested for non-support?

"I asked him to please be respectful regarding the SO when he comes to our home to pick up the kids ( who are 14 & 19 and really don't want to see him)."

The 19-year old can refuse to see him if he/she doesn't want to (legally an adult!), and if the custody and visitation agreement specify it, so can the 14-year old.

"He said he is not going to go when the SO is there. I thought that might be kind of difficult considering the SO LIVES there."

Obviously he expects you to get rid of the SO just for him.

"I tried to impress upon my ex the importance of getting along with the "other adult figure" in their childrens' lives. He is still a very angry person and refuses to hold him self accountable for contributing to the failure of our marriage."

This has a lot of potential for going bad, spectacularly bad. I"d hope for the best, but have 911 on speed dial and know how to get a keep-away order before his visit.

"I thought about sending him some books"
He won't see that they apply to him ... the divorce was your fault.

Thank you so much for your reply. Sometimes I wonder if he is actually right about some things. Reading what you wrote only helps me see that I am on the right track with my thoughts.

As far as getting him arrested for non-payment of child support, seems the government had first dibs. They were garnishing his paychecks because he hadn't paid taxes in over three years. Now he is self employed and there is nothing I can do to get anything.

I am checking into what you suggested. I never went back to my maiden name but I am now thinking that doing that would send a message of "we are not getting back together". Do you know off hand if I have to go to court to do that?

Thanks again for your thoughts!

Gretchen

"Sometimes I wonder if he is actually right about some things."
That's his only power ... convincing you that he's right.

"I never went back to my maiden name ... "Do you know off hand if I have to go to court to do that?"

It depends on the state. Doing it in front of a judge with all the legalities has the advantage of making it a permanent public record. It should be a DIY kind of thing. Call the "clerk of the court" and ask. Usually it's just filling out a form and paying a filing fee.

First of all don't give in to his manipulations.

If he refuses to see his kids because your S/O is there, then that's his decision. Do NOT rearrange your life to accomodate him. That will only reinforce his narcissism.

Secondly, you can do something if he is self employed. My ex is self-employed (read: working under the table) and he was arrested for non-payment of child support a couple of years ago. Is he supposed to pay the support to the state and the state issues a check to you? If not, make that the arrangement as soon as possible. Then the state becomes the "bad guy" and not you. Right now, my ex is due to lose his driver's license because he has gotten over $3,000 behind.

I'm glad to hear that you are keeping the child support and visitation completely separate from each other. Even if their father is a rat, the children still love him. He is a part of them.

Call the state and let them know when he is in town and where he is staying. Arm them with as much information as you can.

Good Luck!

Keli

Gretchen -- do not let your ex convince you that you are somehow responsible for his woes. As lazygardens said, that is his only power. It's up to you to relinquish that power. Do not buy into his sad sob story. You have your own life now, and the only part he plays in your life now is "father of your children". That's it. Be cordial, but don't allow him swoop in after 3 years and disrupt your life and your kids' lives. I'm sure you feel bad for him because of his downward spiral, but you've moved on. Looking back will only buy you problems.

I suggest that since he plans on being there for the entire summer that you work out a visitation schedule in ADVANCE, so there are no surprises. EX also needs to undersand that if the kids don't want to see him, or if they make other plans for "his" visitation time, it is their choice, not his. They ARE teens and they want to spend time with their friends. I wouldn't be surprised if your kids are not willing to radically change their routines just because "Dad" decides to come around after 3 years.

I may be way off here, but it sounds to me as if you feel bad, or guilty, because you have a life and your ex doesn't. I sense that you somehow feel responsible for making your ex all better. He is not your responsibility! You didn't say, but reading between the lines I am guessing that his "downward spiral" was due to substance abuse and/or legal issues. Either way, and no matter what caused your split and his disappearance for 3 years, let him find his own way.

You just concentrate on the people in your life that are important to you -- your kids and your SO. Don't try to heal your ex. He's a big boy, and trying to "help" him would unfairly take time away from those you love, and also has the potential of sending your ex the message that you are still interested.

Wow! Where does one start with this subject... First of all, you are a bigger person than I think I would be. If my ex called to see the children after 3 years of nothing I'd tell him to cram it!

First, I agree that the details should be ironed out BEFORE the visits start. Make clear to him how it will work and DO NOT CHANGE! Stick with the plan!

Let your children have a say in what happens. They are old enough to form opinions about the situation, respect their opinions.

Now, from experience, I can tell you - do not let him manipulate your feelings. You have a life, don't let him take it from you. YOU are the one in charge of this situation, you are holding all the chips - make sure he knows it!

I haven't had to deal with my ex, but I've had to deal with my husband's. It hasn't been pretty but she learned early that I wouldn't allow her to manipulate us or take advantage of my husband's love of his daughter.

Good luck!!!
P

Hey Pashan --

You put into words something that I have felt for a long time but hadn't quite pin-pointed or put a label on -- "your husband's ex taking advantage of his love for his daughter" ... WOW! THAT'S IT! My hubby's ex does exactly that, and it always leaves me feeling put out and taken advantage of. She even throws out "if you loved her, you ...... (fill in the blank for each situation!) ........". Now that you have verbalized it so eloquently, I can borrow your words. THANKS!

Glad I could help! :-) I have learned alot dealing with that woman! I could tell stories... oh, could I tell stories! At least now I can say that some good has come of it! LOL!!

I get so angry when I see her trying to do this to my husband! She doesn't do it so much anymore though. I put a stop to it when I came into his life and was able to say, "Wait a minute, you love your daughter no matter what. Don't let her do that to you!" I could give him little "pep talks" that helped him get over her manipulation.

It wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't such a nice guy. He is like the epitome of the "nice guy" stereotype. It's great, but I wish sometimes he'd be mean to her... isn't that awful?!

I am glad that I could put a label on it for you Mom 2 4!! Anytime I can help...

P

Jeez Pashan, your husband must be a clone of mine! My husband is so easygoing and often doesn't see his ex's manipulation for what it is. He takes things at face value, just to keep the peace. The result is that things are often done her way, no matter how petty, ridiculous or slanted her requests are. Um, well, I suppose should say things WERE done her way ... until I came along and saw the whole thing thru a fresh set of eyes. Now, I am able to say "hmmmm ... I think the obvious solution is ..." and it usually makes sense to him. Why, oh why, does it sometimes take an outside observer to be rational? :-)

And -- oh my -- do I ever empathize with your statement that you wish he'd be mean to her now and then! Hee hee! Until I came along, she always got her way ... because it was easier for him than fighting for what was fair. To a large degree, he usually does keep it toned down, even when she's being obnoxious and unreasonable. Yep, sometimes I'd like to slap her! (I'm getting ready to post an example in a few minutes ...)

Oh, Mom 2_4, could I tell you stories! I could just go on and on... We even went to court over some financial stuff that he'd been paying because he didn't want to "get into it" with her. I figured it up and by my calculations he'd paid her over $6,000 over the course of 3 years for stuff he didn't have to pay for. (He pays a pretty penny in child support and "extra" stuff because his daughter has Down's Syndrome.) In addition to all of the money she was already getting she was raking him over the coals for other stuff too. I put a stop to it and she sued him for the money! She was "billing" him for medical expenses that included gymnastic classes, computer classes, karate lessons, horseback riding lessons, summer camp...

When we went to court our attorney called me to testify since I'd done all the research for our case. When the hearing was over the judge chastized her for "wasting" his time. We won hands down and our attorney high fived me as we were leaving the court room! I really wanted to just look at her and go "Phhhtttt!!!"

We also broke her of being late all the time. We gave her 1/2 an hour past the time she's suppose to show up and then we leave. I wait for NO ONE!!! :-) She was late once or twice and then suddenly she became much more timely!

I do sympathize with her to some degree, she has delt with alot of jealousy issues. She was alone, bitter and felt sorry for herself. When my husband and I had the first of our 3 beautiful, healthy perfect children it didn't do much for her ego - seeing her ex husband happy and moving on! Now that she is re-married (he's a dork, by the way) she has mellowed quite a bit!

I am off to find your other post now!!

P