My stepson annoys me....help me be patient!

15 years ago

My stepson is 13(also have one that is 11). I love him and want to be a good mother, but I feel horrible because everything he does just annoys me! He is really a good kid, doesn't get into trouble at school or anything. He has just become extremely annoying to me. He has all these little things he says and does that he thinks are so "cool". He thinks he is so much smarter than his little brother, and he dad and I for that matter. He walks around the house singing the wrong words to songs. He rolls his eyes any time he is asked to do anything. The list goes on and on. I realize this is pretty normal for kids this age to act this way and just be awkward and annoying in general, but I can't help but wonder if I would be more patient if he were my biological child. I love him and I feel very guilty for being so annoyed by him.

Comments (8)

organic_maria
15 years ago
It is normal at this age. and i get annoyed with anyone who behaves like that whether it be my son, my ss, my cousin or my nephews....you have to tune out my dear:)
Learn to tune out...it can save you!!! lol..hang in there.!

You feel guilty because he is your ss and u are wondering if the annoying feeling you are getting is because its your stepson doing it or the things he does???? Focus on the things he does that annoys you ..and not the fact that he is your ss.
nikemama
15 years ago
organic_maria is right!! You have to learn to not hear it and if you ask them to stop it will get worst. My SS likes to whistle. DRIVES ME CRAZY!! I have 5 BS15 SS13 SD12 BS10 BS8, The 3 BS full-time. Learn to hear only what you need to keep from getting hit in the head by a flying tennis ball in the living room and words like "DUCK" or "DON'T TELL MOM" or "Look what the dog did"...LOL Just kidding. It isn't just the step-kid things your own are worst because you think they should know better.
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I typed in "can't stand my stepson" and found all these postings. I too can't stand my SS. He is 11 yrs old, an only child and can do no wrong in his fathers eyes. I have 3 children of my own ages 5,9,12 (2 girls and 1 boy). I have been with my BF now for 2 years. When I came into the relationship my SS was sleeping in the same bed with his dad. He was 9 yrs old at the time. He is very spoiled(4wheelers,dirtbike, snowmobile and so on). His mother is in the picture and she has him everyother weekend and a few nites a week. Here is the problem....My SS is very jealous of me and my children. He lays on his dads lap and hugs and kisses him on the lips all the time. It is no exageration he does this all the time. It makes me and my kids uncomfortable. My SS is a bigger boy and he weighs about 165ibs. My BF allows this. My SS is also very mean to my children when my BF is not around. He is very sneaky and manipulative and my BF does not see this. I have tried so many times and many different ways to approach and talk about this to my BF but he gets so so so defensive and tells me that this isn't going to work and he chooses his son over me and my kids and I need to go and move out. So now I feel I can't talk to him so I hold everything inside and so do my kids. I have a fair amount of resentment towards my BF and my SS. Im angry and frustrated. My son is a year and half older than my SS and he is so frustrated with him. My son is outgoing. He is in all the sports and is one of the star players. He is also an honor roll student if not high honor. My BF came down on me so hard a few weeks ago saying that his son is coming to him complaining that my son gets to go skiing every weekend and do stuff for all his sports and its not fair. He told me that since me and my F____ng kids moved in his son has taken backseat. This killed me. Im so hurt. My son tried to help teach my SS how to ski and even snowboard but he didn't like it. He gave up very quickly. My son does go skiing most every weekend because it is good exercise, he likes it, and he is not in front of the tv, ipod or laptop. My son too is a bigger boy like my SS. When my son does all these things, i take my girls to the movies, go sliding, let them have a friend over and so on. I also do the same for my SS. My SS is so manipulative also. When its time for him to visit his mom and be with her, he cries to his dad and says he doesn't want to go so my BF lets him stay home. We have it set up so that all the kids go visit with their other parents on the same weekend so we have every other weekend to ourselves. We agreed that we needed this time to be togethter to make this blended family thing work. My SS will go in the bathroom and secretly call his dad and ask to come home from his moms. And most of the time he lets him. My children have a great relationship with their dad and so do I. I'm just so frustrated. He never says no to him. When my SS calls he asks what we are doing and my BF won't tell him the truth because he doesn't want to upset him so he lies to him and just tells him we are home doing nothing. I feel like a nothing. Im so mad and angry. Even my BF's friends don't like the way my SS treats and has treated their kids. They complain to me all the time and no one dares to say a thing to my BF. What do I do? I love my BF and have a fair amount of like for my SS. My children do love my BF and can do without the SS. I'm fed up and need a little advice. Sometimes I feel guilty for feeling so negative about my SS. I get a lot of anxienty around him and Im trying to help my kids too. I tell them to ignore him and point out that someday things will change. I believe very much that my BF's and SS relationship is a little unhealthy. My BF is treating him like a baby and not letting him grow up. I feel he is so needy of his son as his son is so needy of his dad. I always try to take my kids and leave them alone to be together because it was expressed to me several times by my BF that he wants a fair amount of time with his son alone. When I do leave and give them this time, I am treated poorly when i return. I just don't know. Please I will take some advice.
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I'm sorry. Peace & quiet are not neglible things; don't trivialize your need for them & your right to have them. When you're being used (I say 'you', but I've been there), it *never* gets any better; it gets worse until you snap, or move out, or put a stop to it. One thing you must do is tell or warn your wife that this is going to stop, & you must mean it; if she insists on catering to her son at the expense of her relationship with you, then they need to find a place together. (It's amazing what this kind of change of perspective can do for a person's behavior...) After that, it's time to act: So far, there have been conversations & discussions & maybe arguments, but no action. Here are some things that come to mind: Cut off the money; your income will support 2, not 4, so stop doing that. You may have to move your money into a separate account for the time being. Give stepson a bill for rent & his share of utilities & groceries, & tell him he must pay it by a reasonable date. If he doesn't, serve him with an eviction notice. Follow through on the eviction notice, & if he doesn't go, put his stuff out (check with a lawyer or housing authority; in some places, you can set it outside, but in some other places, you have to put it in a secure place such as a rented storage building), & change the locks. If he does pay, thank him and give him a reasonable amount of time to move out,; tell him, and his mother, that there is no negotiation, no discussion, no alternative-and stick to it. Don't engage with or respond to his mother's enabling pleas or arguments; nobody can win this kind of emotional battle. Keep your discussions with her firmly based on the issues- money, time, space. The bottom line is, he's gotta go. I'm sorry, I know this sounds roughshod, but being sensitive works against you when someone is using you. I wish you the best.
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Even for me as a man, that staring would creep me out as well. WHen your personal safety is potentially affected, then you shoud :(1) discuss w the dad about your being real uncomfortable with his staring, so that he can observe it the next time , (2) this could be some hidden psychological problems, (3) after you both agree about the staring then you both should sit down and talk to SS. I would let the dad lead the charge here. I would approach it from a non-accusing manner. Start out with comments like "most people feel very uncomfortable when being stared at, I think, you would feel the same, wouldn't you?" then to "is there any reasons that you stare at your step mom?". Does he exhibit similar behaviors at school? Sometimes guys (father) tend to be not sensitive to things like that, so you will have to express your concern, not in an accusatory manner but also for your own safety and the mental health of your SS. You could start the conversation w your h with statement like: "When you have some time, I want to share with you something that has bothered me, I want to get your opinions in how to solve this". then "my concern might be unfounded, but I cannot seem to solve it myself, so I need you to help. I have noticed that XXX has stared at me, and perhaps it is nothing, but to me it feels quite strange and scared. So will you observe XXX and don't say anything to him yet, and tell me what you think." "Perhaps XXX is not aware of doing that, and that will impact his social interaction with others." If your husb continues to brush it off, then make sure again that it is not about his son, but it is about you and your fear. You cannot continually living in that fear in your own home. If he ignores it again, then you have married the wrong man.
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silversword
15 years ago
Ditto. My dd drives me CRAZY sometimes. And it's little things, little mannerisms that she has. And I think that she thinks she's being cute or cool when she does them, but to me they are completely annoying and drive me to insanity!!!!!!!!

So don't feel bad, I don't know if you would be more patient if he were your bio kid but those of us with bio kids have the same emotions so it's not a unique SM/Skid situation. Don't beat yourself up, take a deep breath and go into another room. Try to remember how annoying you must have been to your parents and laugh with yourself about your younger self.
motherlisa
Original Author
15 years ago
silversword:Your response was just what I needed to hear. He actually reminds me way too much of my younger self, maybe that is exactly why he is so annoying to me. Thinking of it in this way is definitely comical and also makes me want to try that much harder to just be patient and wait for the awkwardness to pass. It does pass, right?!?
mom_of_2.5
15 years ago
Bio/step makes no difference, it is indeed the age. My DD is 13 and there are days I want to send her to her Dad's for good! From the eye rolling, doing no homework, trashed bedroom, the annoying words they "make up" the wrong lyrics to horrible music and the thinking I'm so dumb.

I feel horribly guily at times because I love my daughter, but barely like her.

Time will make it better
motherlisa
Original Author
15 years ago
mom of 2.5: Thanks for the response, that is exactly how I feel, I love him and want to do the best for him. But I just don't know how much I actually like him right now and at times just can't stand to be around him. And of course, I too, feel so guilty. I just wish I could force myself to not have these feelings!
silversword
15 years ago
It will pass... and then it will come back with other annoying habits...

They say that the things we dislike in other people are the things we dislike most about ourselves, so that makes sense.

One thing that I've found that works with my dd is to just be honest with her. I tell her that when she uses her "little girl voice" I have a hard time hearing her. When her room is dirty and she asks for something (help, snack, etc) I tell her I have a hard time fulfilling the needs of someone who does not pay attention to my needs. When she asks for something or demands something without a "please" I say "excuse me, I didn't hear you". I tell her that asking questions all the time is important for her learning, but sometimes I had a hard time answering her. Like when my back is to her, I'm doing dishes and the water is on. I find it irritating that she asks questions when she knows I can't really hear her, and I let her know she has to speak up in that situation because I want to listen to her/answer her question, but I get irritated when she keeps questioning me and I have to ask, "pardon me, please repeat yourself" over and over again. This way I get to voice my irritation but it's in a good, constructive way and I don't keep it inside to explode at her later, and she gets to know why mommy isn't so ready to help/what makes mommy irritated.

Is there any way you can tell him how his behavior doesn't work for you without squelching his little heart/soul or stepping on his pride?
finedreams
15 years ago
DD (adult) still annnoys me that she cannot get anywhere on time, cannot get ready in a timely fashion and always forgets things. She's been always like this, always annoyed me with that habbit. The other thing she does: she has extremelly loud voice, she sounds like she is screaming. It could be embarassing. Because of her voice she often monopolizes conversations because everyone is forced to listen. She also loves to interrupt and talk over other people (loudly). Yes, it can be very difficult and embarassing. I certainly love my daughter more than anything, but it doesn't mean she doesn't annoy me!

My stepson annoys me....help me be patient!

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organic_maria

nikemama

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My stepson annoys me....help me be patient!

Comments (8)

organic_maria

nikemama

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