From what i have read, yes there are plenty of issues with the ex-wife, and now the SD, but the one thing that sticks out is actually the husband. I don't want to offend... but he sounds a bit spineless. It's not really want you want to think about the person you love, but his ex behaves the way she does and he allows it. He caves in, he gives her what she wants, and the daughter has learned this behavior as well. She knows that it doesn't matter how she acts, she can guilt trip him into getting whatever she wants. She also knows that he does not require her to show respect to you. In truth, he is not showing respect to you to require you to endure poor treatment. (i could be wrong, maybe he gets upset at her when she acts poorly to you) this is just what i can see based on the comments you have made. This is also the most difficult position to be in, because you can't make him stand his ground and change some of the boundaries and respect issues happening. It's something only he can do, and because he hasnt, and doesn't, you keep getting hurt by it all. The guys are usually afraid that if they don't give their ex whatever she wants, that she will make a big fuss and cause problems and drama and keep him from seeing his children. But, this child is an adult now. He really doesn't have to put up with any of this unless HE WANTS TO. Your husband is choosing to let the situation hurt you, to avoid having to take a deep breath and be the bad guy and tell both his ex-wife and daughter that this situation is not ok. If he had done this much sooner, you might not be dealing with a SD who has a lot of issues now. He helped teach her how to behave like her mother. He allowed the mother to treat him and you the way she does. Ex's will ALWAYS cause problems at some point or another. It's human nature and part of the grieving process when a relationship breaks. But not setting correct boundaries, and your husband not showing YOU the respect he should have is what has created this nightmare that does not seem to have gotten better despite 14 years of marriage. After all this time, he is still answering all of her phone calls. Why should she stop calling? She knows he will answer. Why should she stop guilt tripping him about his daughter? She knows he will do whatever she asks him to. There is no reason whatsoever for this ex, and now this daughter to behave any differently than they are. Why should they? They are getting what they want. And, it is your husband who is allowing it. The problem is not really the ex, and not really the SD. For women, it seems to be much easier to set those boundaries, to enforce them, and to insist that our ex shows respect to us and to our new partners. Most often i hear from ex-wives who say that they do not have these problems with their ex-husband. maybe because they had no problem moving on? Unfortunately, I don't have any advice on how to get your husband to stand up for you and your new family together, and you two as a couple. If i knew those answers I wouldn't be in a similar situation. They have to want it themselves. Maybe you are TOO understanding, TOO considerate, and TOO willing to put up with it? You will not change the ex, or the SD, but your husband is married to you and loves you and he has built a life with you. You do have a right to ask him to do something about his own behavior.

I'd hesitate to jump to the conclusion that this child truly has 'psychiatric problems' when the doctor supposedly prescribed pills after a 15 minute visit and mom doesn't think it's important enough to send any pills with her to dads. What is the 'diagnosis'? What are the pills? She does sound like she could have a psychiatric problem, but she could also be manipulating the hell outta both her parents and as long as her mom goes along with her antics, she is going to continue to behave this way. If she does have a psychiatric problem, her mother is a contributing factor and nobody, not a step parent or other children in the house (related or not) should have to be subjected to abuse from a child. To turn this into a debate on whether spanking is or isn't acceptable, well corporal punishment is a matter of personal choice. I agree that spanking is not the same as beating. I was spanked on a few occasions (so few, I probably remember every time and I deserved each one). I'm not advocating it, but I don't think it leaves a permanent scar or trauma to get a swat. It works for short term results so I don't think repeatedly spanking for the same infraction works. But, I also think that when you have allowed a child to go too far, it's much harder to rein them back in to behave than if you set the boundaries up front and keep them from crossing them. Pseudo's SD has learned that she is going to get her way by throwing tantrums and making everyone's life hell. She has mom wrapped around her finger to defend her use of the phone. If mom realizes that she is actually making her daughter's living situation worse by doing this, or SD realizes that dad & pseudo are not going to give in to her, then maybe there would be an opportunity for change. Honestly, I think it's going to take for all the grown ups to sit down together and talk. If mom is trying to use her daughter to run off BF, then she needs to be told that what she is doing is hurting her child. If you (pseudo) and dad talk to mom and make this about the child, not about blaming mom for her part in it, them maybe mom would be more receptive to listen. If mom understands that when SD has these meltdowns, she is missing out on fun with the other kids and family. If mom hears that SD is spending most of her time crying or upset and on the phone with her, etc. instead of playing or having fun, then maybe mom might see things differently. Dad needs to bring the issue to mom in a way of saying "look, our daughter is suffering and we need to come together and find a solution to this." When mom thinks this is about SD pissing off SM, then she seems to be on board with SD. If mom thinks it's about SM and Dad blaming her for taking her daughter's calls, she gets defensive, thinking she's only doing what any good mother does (making herself available to her distressed child) and continues to play the game. But, if she is asked in a sincere way to help in finding a solution to her daughter's problems, then she might change her tune. I might even point out to her that this isn't just affecting her daughter's home life, it affects her social life. How is she going to make friends (or keep them) if she can't get along or if she throws fits when she doesn't get her way? Does if affect her learning? What other problems is she going to have as she gets older? That needs to be the focus when talking to mom. At 9 years old, she's too old to start spanking. I think a swat when they are under 5-6 might work to get a point across, but they should have learned by 7 or 8 what is or isn't acceptable. Most kids will test boundaries anyways, just to see if you will give in or they figure out when you are too tired or stressed to stick with it. Teenagers are notorious for it and even my grown kids try to get over on a thing or two.

Wow everyone, thank you so much for the kind words! It really means a lot to me. Vista the wedding itself was a small affair at our home the home that my mom lived in. It was obvious to everyone at the wedding how upset I was. The guests included my step mom parents, her 6 siblings and their spouses, my step dads immediate family, a few close family friends, and amazingly a few members of my moms family! They actually planned the wedding pretty quickly like 6 weeks start to finish. At the time I was actually a university student and I lived on campus about 2 hours away. I came home every weekend. I remember the weekend that my dad told me he was getting married. He told me in private because I am pretty sure he knew what my reaction was going to be, which was of course, sobbing. I went back to school that week and continued to come home on the weekend, hoping that maybe they wouldnt actually go through with it. Step mom didnt actually move in the house until after they were married so it was pretty easy for me to just ignore what was happening by immersing myself in school during the week and then hang out with my friends on the weekends back at home. Typical selfish teenage behavior. Since it was such a small affair, there wasnt really a lot of expectations for me to participate other than to show up- probably designed that way by my dad. I guess my dad knew me well enough to know that once the initial shock and emotions wore off, that I would eventually come around and to give me time. I dont really have a clear recollection of the weeks that followed which is a good sign I guess. She moved in our home, which looked exactly the same as the day my mom died and stayed that way until they sold the house a few years ago. There were new mementos, memories, and photos added prominently displayed next to the old ones. Vista, its obvious that you have tried to reach out to your step kids and I am sure its incredibly painful to be pushed away by them. It sounds like you have left the door open to them countless times, they just have never walked through the door. I think its important to ask yourself whether their actions are the result of bad behavior or they just learned terrible coping skills to a traumatic event like divorce. My initial thought when you said the girls burst out in tears about the wedding dresses was there was still a lot of pain from the divorce. I can empathize with that pain. I admire that you are still hopeful that they will come around and the fact that you question where you could have made some changes along the way. Have you ever asked them that? Theres probably a pretty good chance that they may not have an answer for you, but maybe someday they will. Will the door still be open? Seriously, thank you for allowing me to talk about this. Its a blessing for me. Its really made me self reflect over the past day or so and has inspired me to continue to never take for granted the people that I hold so dearly to my heart.

I'm in year 5 of dealing with a BM that would do a lot of what you describe. She thought she could decide everything that happened in our house during the time HER daughter was there because everything we did when her daughter was there, affected her daughter. Since you are in a relatively new situation & it most likely will only get worse... unless she finds a new purpose, my suggestion is to remove yourself as much as you can from the entire situation. Do not attend exchanges & do not take any phone calls, including "emergency" calls. What kind of emergency would there be that you might get a call? If the kids are with you & DH, then anything she needs can go to DH's phone/voice mail. If the kids are with her, then she can just as easily leave a message on DH's phone if he can't answer it. I'm assuming the only reason she would call your phone is if DH doesn't answer his & you are together. If you are not together, calling you does nothing to get any message to DH... unless you have a secret number to call him and/or want to play middleman. But really, there is no reason for you to be involved in the exchanges or phone calls. If he wasn't with you (or anyone), he would have to handle this on his own.... so let him. Take your kids to the park, get your nails done, take a bubble bath & watch a movie.... but leave it all up to him. Trust me, not seeing her or talking to her will help a lot. And tell your DH to only tell you important things regarding the kids... like if they are in a school play, etc. Ask him to not share her rants about you and your kids unless it's something HE is concerned about. HER concerns, rational or not, he should discuss with her. If HE thinks they are irrational, why get you worked up by telling you? That creates unnecessary drama. It's very sad when someone uses their child to get attention or maintain a connection or involvement, but they do and there's NOTHING you can do about it. It is THEIR child they are hurting and the best thing you can do, for you and for the child, is to remove yourself as much as possible & let his/her parents sort it out. Unless you have done something to warrant her treatment of you, then it wouldn't matter WHO he is dating/married to, it is not personal toward you. It is HER problem.