Wow, that sounds like a pretty intense fight. I agree with you that both your sister and your stepmother said things they shouldn't have said, and when it escalated to physical harm that obviously made it worse.

I think it would be a mistake in that case to try and determine who is the party 'at fault', because it sounds like they both were. Technically your sister 'started it' by being the first to escalate it to name calling and being the first to start letting it get physical... but I can also see where your stepmom was being provocative and meddling by asking about the locks with a judgmental tone in the first place... AND she certainly had a choice once the argument began as to how she could respond. She chose to call your sister a whore and scratch her instead of saying: "you know what? I'm going to remove myself from this right now and cool off and maybe we can talk about it more when we both calm down". To be fair, your sister could have said this too, but my point is that they were both party to it and therefore it would be wrong of your stepmom to now act like it was just a wrong that was committed against HER, i.e pressing charges. That's why I agree with your Dad that pressing charges was not the appropriate way to deal with the situation.

Sounds like extra stress & uncertainty in your sister's life has been making her extra touchy (on top of pregnancy hormones) and I guess for your stepmom's part she may be extra worried about every dollar because of the combination of being financially dependent on your Dad and having a secret gambling problem. Neither can really be feeling all that good about her own choices and her own inability to get by independently. Both of them are in financially and emotionally unstable situations, and it sounds like to some extent they each blame the other for their problems, or at least partly. Each probably thinks the other is a selfish, weak-willed hypocrite. It's probably easier for each of them to lash out at each other than to feel the fear each of them probably does about what's going to happen and if they will each be okay or if the circumstances they each put themselves in will spin out of their control.

Hopefully, everyone can sit down and talk and try to acknowledge/understand everyone else's stress and worries, or at least 'agree to disagree' as to how each should be conducting their lives according to the other. It's your stepmother's right to back out of dealing with your sister if she can't handle it (and vice-versa), but she wouldn't have the right to dictate how your Dad should conduct his own relationship with his daughter. Let's hope it doesn't come to that.

sounds like Jerry Springer show, doesn't sound like either sister or a stepmom know how to behave appropriatelly, in fact they deserve each other. the pregnant one has a bit of an excuse like hormones but what is the deal wiht the stepmom?

I am not surprised that family dinners get cancelled, it actually is a good thing, it doesn't sound like the kind of family one wants to have dinners wiht. i would not want to have family dinners when there is a risk of domestic violence or name calling. I think you could maintain relationships wiht these people separatelly like see your sister or your dad or stepmom or whoever but stay away from gatherings. Everyone has some strange behaviors in the family but name calling or physical abuse is a bit more than one needs to handle. Especially if you have children, exposing them to such behavior is a bad idea.

I do not want them all over together again either. I told them all they could still do dinner with us every month...just not all together. Now my stepmom does not want to come to my home at all?? Me and my hubby and kids had nothing to do with this all. I feel like it just an excuse for her to put distance between my dad and me.

Mom2--

Maybe you should try to explain this very concern to your Dad & SM in a gentle way. From what you wrote, it sounds like you may be the 'peacekeeper' in that blended family, or the more 'neutral' party, and that can be to your advantage here. If they tend to regard you as being more level-headed and 'together', SM might take the message a lot more seriously coming from you than your sister that there's a need to keep the boundaries very delineated. Not just the boundaries between who will share space with who at dinner, but the boundaries of what SM is/isn't allowed to dictate (in terms of potentially driving you and your sister apart from your Dad) and even the boundaries of who she is even mad at. I think as long as you are gentle about how you say it and make it clear you're trying to preserve relationships as opposed to destroy them, you can safely say something like:

"SM, I understand that you are angry and upset with my sister, and I even can see your side on some of your upsets with her, but I am about maintaining relationships. Because of that, my fear is that due to the issues between the two of you, me and Dad will be drawn into it and our relationships with everyone and with each other will suffer. The fear is that this conflict will expand and tear the family apart, all because of a few things you and my sister disapprove of between you two. You can see how that would be scary, painful and unfair right? So how can we keep that from happening? What solutions can we come up with so that everyone has a right to their personal upsets but the relationships are kept separate and respected?"

I don't think there's any way she could get offended or upset at a discussion like this, especially because that statement would end with an appeal to her logical mind and the assumption that she, too, wants to be mature about things and not let the family get torn apart. Again, you have a real advantage over your sister in being able to say these things to SM & your Dad (btw, I'd definitely make sure they were BOTH present to hear it simultaneously) because it sounds like there would be less automatic distrust of you.

Well yesterday my sister talked to my dad and blamed my stepmom for the whole mess. My dad defended my stepmom to her. Then I guess he went and reemed my stepmom out and said that she started this by butting into their conversation in the first place and that my sister is young and my stepmom should know better. Then my stepmom called my hysterically crying.

So I talked to my dad and told him that no matter what he does he is going to be the jerk in it all! I told him that he should let my sis and sm hate eachother or love eachother or whatever they want to do and he should stay out of it! I said that after what happened I understand my sm not wanting my sis at their home and told my dad why not see my sister at her home or at my home instead.

I told my sm that I understood her frustration with my sister. Many of the issues she has with her I have had in the past as well. But I told her that certain things she said helped to initiate the argument, though she did not deserve it getting physical. She agreed. I asked her what she thought of my dad just staying out of it and letting her and my sister just not talk for a while and see what happens. She said she loved the idea and just wanted to forget about the whole thing and keep distance from my sister for a while. I told her that we can still do family dinners at my house and that I will not have my sister over for dinner on nights they come.

So I think all is well and peaceful...for now! Maybe I should have been a counselor?? HAHA