I hate my step daughter
blacksusan
15 years ago
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fleurs_gardener
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agoblacksusan
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
I need to talk about my adult step-daughter
Comments (5)Shakti, I have to wonder if you have ever been in a stepfamily! Rob says he has been the father figure to his stepchildren for 28 years! That's hardly "only a friend." Would you tell an adoptive parent that they were "only a friend"? It sounds like he stepped in when their biological father had done them some pretty awful physical and psychic harm--that's not "just a friend" stuff, either. Sure biology and genes are important, but the day to day raising can be almost as powerful. Rob, I am closer to your age probably than some of the other wonderful posters here, and I might be able to offer some insight? Wish I could be of more help. One thing that occurred to me reading your anguished words is that you are at the age where we start to think more about our place in the world, what we have done, life review and all that. And seeing where we are peched on a family tree is so important to us all of a sudden. Whereas the young people in our lives are intent on making their own families, making their own way in the world--it sometimes feels like they have no time for us, like we are no longer important in their lives. And it sounds like although you feel your SD strongly prefers your wife over you, it also sounds like she is "buying" the favor, making herself indispensible by providing all those practical services for SD. (Didn't mean for that to sound negative--it's the way of the world.) Is there a reason you don't go along to visit your grandkids? (I didn't say "stepgrandkids" because I know so many stepparents who would never dream of calling their SKs their "children," but for some reason are comfortable without the "step-" with the next generation. Maybe because the grandkids never knew a time without them--or maybe because grandkids already have four grandparents, why not add another one?) Here's something else I discovered as I was thinking these things through in my own life. With my SDs, I am more quick to perceive slights and insults. But when it is my own children I find myself thinking "oh they're just kids." I try to apply that test when it seems like my SDs are ignoring me or not as receptive as I would like to an activity or something--I say "what if it was my biokids" and then it doesn't hurt so much--I find myself in the "they're just kids" place. Have you talked to your stepdaughter about missing her and the grandkids? Do you and your wife ever babysit? Your relationship with your grandkids will soon grow on its own, apart from their mom....See MoreOldest step daughter HATES me!
Comments (5)The above posts are kind of insensitive and not very helpful to destini181...I really think that people come on here and post when we are very upset and have no one else we can talk to or get unbias opinions from and I think people should be a bit more understanding of the position posters are in...I know myself I have been scared to post and have received some comments which are a bit rude and not understanding... I am new here as well but I do A LOT of reading from posts even from years ago... Mkroopy's advice is good to just ignore the behavior... If your husband's daughter doesn't like you... which she is making very clear, she may not be over the divorce of her mother and father... And obviously does not have any respect for her father's decison to marry you... Either way, shes 24 so she will continue to have this view about you most likely.. and when she is ready.. (ie if you two last a long time) she has to come around. If her father chooses you as his partner regardless of age, previous children etc she has to respect that or basically not be around him... You should kind of try to put yourself in her shoes a little bit, I think it would make you understand her anger and maybe you wouldnt be so upset about it. She is immature clearly and is possibly doing things to upset you purposely or she is just an insensitive person and doesnt care about other people's feelings. Either way, you have your own immediate family in the house with your children, one on the way etc so really, don't sweat it. If you read other posts... it is for sure a good idea to make sure that any really rude or unacceptable behavior towards you is intervened by your husband.. It seems like an on going problem for blended families on here that the step mothers are always fighting their husbands to stand up for them. So I would say make sure to nip that in the butt ASAP! If we let them slide we have really horrible problems later on. She may even be looking for the negative attention.. and by you freaking out or getting emotional she is getting a reaction. Just ignore it all as mkroopy says. If she doesn't want her child around you or the grandfather than who cares. I mean really let her win and say what she wants... just keep your life, direction and the immediate people in your life your focus. These daughters these days are out of control.... Just a side note* my dad is with a woman who is his 3rd woman after my mother. Every single one of the woman he chose I have always shown respect to. Even at a young age. Regardless of my personal opinions of them, the current gf he has now I don't really like the things she does, or the way she acts sometimes and my dad and I talk quite often. He will be upset or hurt and vent to me. But I never let that take over. Everyone is human. If dad likes her and she treats him well to the best of her abilities I'm cool with that. Even if I didn't like her at all and couldnt stand the sight of her.. I would never put my dad in a position like that... He's a big boy he can handle his own decisions and if he needs moral support I am there.... I really think it is the way these kids are being brought up these days with ZERO respect for elders... Goodluck and I hope it all works out... Try not to stress too much with the pregnancy and all! :)...See Moremy husband and my children his step children hate each other
Comments (7)Are you kidding me? He hopes she dies giving birth? Calling her horrible names, thowing out your 15 yr old son and wanting to throw out the pregnant 16 yr old? Sorry but your husband is a real A**HOLE. Don't get me wrong, I have issues in my home but my problems seem like a walk in the park compared to what is going on in your house. We don't know the whole story but I just can't help but feel terrible for your daughter. While it's unfortunate that she became pregnant at such a young age, it's done and she has to deal with that. She will need you. Why would you even think about putting her out on the streets? Why would you even allow your 15 yr old son to be put out? I'm assuming that you probably have had a lot of issues with the teens and your husband doesn't know how to deal with it so he just wants to kick everybody to the curb. Those are your kids and you just don't give up on your kids! Somebody needs to leave but I don't think it's the kids. I'd make DH leave or I'd pack up my kids and get out of there!...See MoreHelp! My daughter hates her step-father!!!
Comments (43)RosieL, just want to put a disclaimer her.. I have no problems with the things you say. Even if I did, I'm not into bashing. I just like the discussion. You remind me of my mother, and I respect my mother very much...YOu make some very good points and I respect how you put children first... so this post is just to play 'devil's advocate' with one of your statments. I have some constructive cricticism.. (I think) on this statement you made... "I think that once we have children ... their well being comes before our happiness and love life. They will be with you for a very short wile and you will have the rest of your life for romancing. " I agree with that to some extent. I mean, I even find myself putting my only child, who happens to be my step son, before my own marriage as far as time, effort, patience, etc.. But isn't it true and important to realize that the children will be happiest when their parents are happy too? I mean, they need a happy home! And if mama ain't happy? lol. I don't think that means that a single parent should throw their kids around to different babbysiters while they go out on dates, etc... but clearly, that is not what is going on here. This person is VERY concerned about her childrens' feelings. The fact is, that she needs to rebuild her home and her marriage and I think she is right to do this for herself and for her daughter/children. LisRac states: "I love my husband and I want to try to make my marriage work. My husband went for counseling and realizes how things he did and things he said were hurtful. He knows he was wrong in a lot of his attitudes and wants to try and make it right (with counseling). I'm scared to hurt my kids or make them unhappy, although I know I can't make my decision based solely on a 12 year old's views." Sounds good to me! I think people get divorced because they give up to soon. That's my take. I think they go through a rough year, or in this case, have a very difficult time making a blended family work... and they simply give up. Listen, all families have problems. Even non-blended families. And no one is perfect. My parents have been 'happily' married for 40 years. God, it's like a fairy tale for them now that the kids are gone, but I remember a couple of those years being sort of... nasty... especially when my sister and I were oh, about... 12!!! I remember my sister hating my Dad for about 2 of those years. He had a lot of 'teasing' issues and picked on her for being lazy. Caused a lot of turmoil for the whole family. They both went into counseling, eventually. Now, she's (almost) Daddy's little girl too. I wouldn't trade my family for the world!! Makes me sick to think that my mom would have given up on my Dad just because my sister practically hated him for two years. Course back then I thought "you jerk!"... knowing what I know now and the kind of man and father he became to me. I'm so glad we never gave up and that we were able to forgive the mistakes that we ALL made. Of course, LisRac needs to be realistic about this man and really decide if this IS what is going to make her, then ultimately her children... happy! I don't know this man. But... he says he wants to try to make it work! Let him be a man and help make it work! LisRac has a chance to have a happy family. It is not going to be easy, and the children will need help through it all... but are they going to be better off without rebuilding a family? Are they not going to learn and grow and become stronger by going through these changes and accepting another human being...who they may even grow to love? ... into their lives? The potential is awesome. I mean, just think... if LisRac and her family work through this and rebuild their home... what a strong family that could be! That may seem a little idealistic... but I'm a glass is half-full kind of person, I guess!...See Moreorganic_maria
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