So, what is her father doing in all of this? Does _he_ discipline his child? If he doesn't have your back no way is this ever going to improve.

First I agree with colleen, he needs to be part of this. She's almost a teenager so she's going to be a pain in the ass even in a normal situation. Where's her mom in all this? Since she's only 11 I think you have a chance with her. I would sit her down, just the two of you, and have a long talk. See what her issues are with you, you tell her what yours are with her and try to come up wtih some rules. Then take her to lunch, shopping occasionally too, esp. if her mom is out of the picture. She needs that. And make sure her dad has your back. If none of that works, i suggest counseling for her. None of this takes into account what happened to your son. That's really for the courts and CYS to decide, so I'd rather not comment on it.

Her father does correct her but he says that u have to pick your battles and alot of the time I have to say something for him to do something. I have told him that he created a self centered ill considerate child and its not fair that I have to put up with her disrespect and that we will be in real trouble if we dont get handle on this now. Her mother is constantly in and out of prison and only sees her when it suits the mother or when my SD calls her and bugs her to stay with her at her grandfathers house because her visitation has to be monitored (her mom was an addict). She does have some problems but she is out of control. I have done things with her like shopping or getting our nails or hair done and she behaves because she sd she dont want anyone to know how she acts. Shes perfect in school but has been slipping shes lying about homework and got wrote up on the bus but she says its not her fault. She is in counseling but the counselor sd that she is not there to help with her behavior but her trauma of being molested. So I opting to maybe do family counseling or look into a scared straight program.....not sure of what else to do. I could and have talked to her till we are blue in the face and it goes in one ear and out the other.

Sunshine,

He isn't doing enough. He needs to pick his battles... well, does he want the battle to with YOU?

I was in a similar situation. Our marriage lasted a little over 5 years. (well, the last year was going throuh the motions of trying to save it with counseling that he didn't take seriously) but my point is that HE needs to take responsibility for HIS child. If she's only there on the weekends, he probably feels guilty for not seeing her much but HE needs to deal with her 100% if that's the case. If he isn't home when she's waking up the siblings, then he needs to take her with him or get a babysitter for her when he can't take her with him. She is HIS responsibility, not YOURS.

I will say that the more I did for his daughter, the more she resented me. The less I did for her, the more HE resented me. The bottom line is that it's HIS child & it's not YOUR problem. We didn't have children together so your husband has more to lose. We have been separated since June of last year and his daughter & her mother are already interferring in his dating life. He can't seem to figure out why the ladies he has tried to date, don't stick around long. I thought thing would get better in my marriage but in my case, it got worse because he really just didn't want to deal with it. He now lives with her & lets her do whatever she wants as he is eagerly trying to find companionship for himself. I have to admit, after six years of living in so much stress, it was a relief when he left. I am happier now than I have ever been with my life. Occasionally, I get lonely but staying with someone to avoid being lonely when it causes so much grief just wasn't worth it for me. In fact, it's pretty much a deal breaker when someone I meet has a daughter. Girls, by nature, can be competitive so any person their daddy is with is competition for daddy's affection. I've known girls that got along great until the parent married and then everything changed. So, I wish you luck. I don't have much advice other than let him deal with is child. Focus on your children as long as she acts like you are not there. It is tough because she will soon be a teenager & if he has no handle on it, she will either go away (not visit) or make your life a living H~E~L~L~

to imamommy he has full custody of her. I think she tries to get control and roll the house...(not happening) I have considered leaving and my whole family says that she will the cause of our break up and I told him one time that it was over because I couldnt deal with her anymore and he sd it wasnt fair.......LMAO can u believe it so Im trying to just disconnect myself from her and in few years when the cops call saying they have her my response will be KEEP HER. She will wise up when Daddy cant do anything to keep her from suffering the consequences of her own actions. So for now Ill just sit back and wait.

"I told him one time that it was over because I couldnt deal with her anymore and he sd it wasnt fair." What isn't fair is that Daddy is letting his daughter be so disruptive. He does not have your back and it seems clear his true loyalty is to himself and his daughter. Only you can decide if you want to stay in a relationship that is so one-sided, but I'll tell you now that I think imamommy, whose story is very similar to yours, has some good advice.

If he has full custody, then it's even MORE like my situation. I was a full time custodial stepmom and she treated me like I was not there, except when she needed something. If yours has a history of drugs or mental illness, that makes it even that much harder. If she didn't start using drugs until after her daughter was born, then the daughter may not have those issues but the bottom line is still the same. He is the father. It is his child. If he isn't going to back you up & insist that she behave for you & treat you with respect, he needs to deal with her himself. He can take her to school & find after care until he gets home from work. It isn't a "pick your battles" situation & that's an excuse to not deal with it. She is disrupting the household. That is a battle he NEEDS to pick. Letting her stay up an hour late is a battle he can pick... unless it is DISRUPTING the household or his marriage. Trust me, if you don't already resent him... you will eventually & he will be on his own raising an out of control teenager AND paying you child support for two kids... and missing out on being a family. HE needs to choose what he wants more. I got out after I had to go on anti anxiety medication & he still did NOTHING to support me or discipline her. Is this the future he promised you? Is this the FAMILY life you & he dreamed of??? Life is too short to be miserable on purpose.

She is not yours to discipline. Have you thought about just letting her scream? Eventually your husband will have to step in if he wants any peace. IGNORE her!

If he doesn't handle the problem, are you willing to live your life like this. Losing years of your life then eventually getting enough an leaving? I didn't leave my first husband for 15 years and it was very hard on my children as preteens. I should have left him when the were toddlers, it would not have hurt them near as bad.

This post was edited by EmmaR on Sat, Mar 9, 13 at 13:07

Rayasunshine, I feel for you and your step-daughter. I am both a step-mother and a psychologist, so my answer is informed by my experience in both areas. From your description, it sounds very much like your step-daugher has conduct disorder (yes, that is a real disorder, and the fact that she does not show her acting out behavior at school is a hallmark of it. And no, not all CD kids are boys, and no they don't all set fires, though many do), and that she needs help fast. I hate to put such a label on a child, because if she has a 'disorder,' it is not her fault. You mention that her father 'picks his battles' and leaves you to deal with her on most things. You also mentioned that her mother is in and out of prison, and that your SD accused your son and others of molesting her. It sounds like your SD has developed quite a behavior problem because she is frightened and feeling abandoned, and quite possibly has been sexually abused. No matter how much love and firm but gentle discipline you lavish on her, it cannot substitute for the love and guidance of her bio-mom and dad. She needs a place to feel anchored, to feel that she is wanted and belongs. She also needs a place to safely express that she is angry. I admire your efforts because I think you are right on track that she needs firm boundaries and to be helped to understand that she is indeed part of a family. What she needs, though, is to feel that she is a part of HER family, and unless dad shows that he loves her enough to make the effort to discipline her, she will never believe that she is-- particularly not if bio-mom is unavailable due to incaceration. She acts like you don't exist because you are not the mom she wants.
The sick feeling in the pit of my stomach comes from something I really want you to think about: Is her father sexually abusing her? It often comes as a real surprise to women when their husbands are offenders, but the fact that she accused your son and others at the age of 11 leads me to think that someone is hurting this little girl, and your husband's lack of desire to discipline her makes me wonder if it is him for a variety of reasons. Hard as it might be to consider, maybe think about putting a hidden camera in her room to record the activity at night. It's not hard to learn how, and you might find out something that is important to know. Also, think about whether or not there is anyone else who has access to her who might be hurting her. Kids can very protective of their parents-- especially parents who hurt them, as counter-intuitive as that might seem. Kids who are sexually abused sometimes identify an innocent party rather than tell the truth about their own parent. It is true that some kids have gotten savvy enough about the courts to out-right lie, but that is pretty rare. For the sake of your SD, as well as your own bio-daughter, find out what is going on in your house.
The other thing I can say for certain, is to confirm what several others have already said: If your husband will not be a united front with you on the children, the situation will not improve. If you investigate things in your own home and find nothing amiss that you don't already know about, you really do need to consider what is best for you and your kids. Living in a house of constant tension is not good for the little ones, and can do physiological harm to their developing brains. If you do learn something terrible from looking into things, get out immediately and get help for you SD, too. BTW... if her counselor says she is not there to work with her behavior, but only to work with the effects of her being molested, she needs a new counselor. The behavior you describe could well be happening BECAUSE she was molested. The counselor should be hearing you on the behavior at home.

Been looking into things with 2 nanny cams and things are OK as far as anyone touching her. But Daddy caught her lying tonight and has about all he can take of her nastiness mouthing off and lying...lol.. he now pays her 1.00 a day to behave and usually loses all her quarters by the end of the day and she will demand her money back (which dont happen). So my children know she has problems and that this behavior will not be tolerated by my children and I figure if they grow up to hate her so be it nobody else can really stand her. Im trying and I do resent that I unable to give my other children my best because of her behavior. My 3 year old thinks Im mean because Im angry with my SD so much of time and that really hurt so I sat and had a talk with him. So Im gonna concentrate on my own children and deal with her only on a need to basis. I want my children to have my best and they now have it. If she want to grow u and be like her mom (who she acts like) I figure let her and I fear that she will end up a dope whore thief and lair like her mom but dont call me collect or ask for commissary money or expect me to bail you out of jail...I told her dad this is where she is headed and thinks if he never lets her go anywhere it wont happen....shes not allowed to go anywhere with friends and on a rare occassion she might get to stay over night somewhere. Im not a monster or cold hearted Ive been trying for 5 years and she dont want help but more than anything I feel very sorry for her and hope that one day she will appreciate my efforts to help her...Good Luck Honey!!!!