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special dinner..

Posted by yabber (My Page) on
Fri, Mar 19, 10 at 1:42

I shake my head, this is so petty, but I'll tell you guys anyway :-)

Every year in March/April BM goes in overdrive and interrupts every single time the skids are supposed to be with us. She really goes OUT OF HER WAY to make everything as hard as possible. Why, we still don't know.

The skids are worn out and withdrawn, we feel the stress as well, it's not good but we hang in there and May can't come soon enough..

We've already had BM organise a small holiday in our long weekend with them, they had to go to a school party with BM on our weekend (I mean, just the thought of US driving skids to school party is unacceptable of course..haha), and the sick-card has been played (kids need to be sick and stay with BM for 4 days longer, after all they can't be sick at our place and still go to movies/ shopping etc).

BM always suggests to the skids that FDH can have make up time later but then when FDH does request it she's already busy, has something planned herself etc etc. FDH never gets make up time, long story short, and therefore he usually doesn't try to organise it anymore, no point.

As you may or may not know we don't do tug of war anymore, we let the skids go when BM pushes and pulls.

I shake my head today because of what happened last might. For the first time in ages we had requested SD12 could stay for an extra hour. Yes people, a WHOLE HOUR. I know, we were pushing it a bit ;-)
This is because SD12 had guitar lessons, which FDH takes her to, and we had some family over so SD12 would've liked to stay for dinner after her lesson, and then go back to BM (instead of straight after the lesson).

It was all organised, and then the most unfortunate thing happened. BM 'forgot' about our dinner and happened to have bought some special stuff herself since she was going to have a special dinner last night. Ha! BM rarely even cooks a meal, let alone a 'special' meal. Surprise surprise!!
SD12 was that stressed out about it when FDH picked her up that she burst into tears as soon as they drove off. She was so worried we were going to be angry. This is the kind of pressure BM puts on them, and this is the subtle message that she gives SD12, because when we get angry BM has a field day and doesn't it prove to SD12 that we are the bad guys for getting angry? But FDh did not get angry and I took a deep breath as well so all is good.

No need to say we took SD12 home after guitar lessons and explained to family that it's March, so I don't even know why we thought we had a chance...pfff


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: special dinner..

every year in March/April...hhmmm...crazy

I might be completely off but certain mental illnesses pick up in the Spring, it is like a cycle. Get better than comes March, back to getting worse, seriously. Was she diagnosed with anything mental health related?


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RE: special dinner..

Could it be that either the separation or the divorce happened in March/April? I know that growing up, things at home took a dip every year at around the same time that my parents separated. It didn't hit visitation, but I think that's only because visitation didn't happen for very long.


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RE: special dinner..

what fd said.

I once had a husband who left home every April;
we were married 5 years, & we were "separated" 4 Aprils!

That was back in the seventies, when I was much younger & blamed myself for everything & when there wasn't as much knowledge about seasonal disorders.

Don't know what you can do about it or how to get a grip on it, but I wish all of you the best.


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RE: special dinner..

My SIL has some mental issues, she goes cookoo every Spring and Fall. she becomes very depressed and does some strange things. don't want to hijack, but sounds familiar..


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RE: special dinner..

Yes they did finalise the divorce in April, but that's 10 years ago and BM actually initiated it..but yes, it was April!

Also March/April is autumn here, but good point it could be a seasonal thing, of course.

And as for mental health issues, to us it's clear that there are, but she's never been diagnosed because she'd never go to a doctor, no way. We think she's got Borderline Personality Disorder, she's got all but one of the symptoms. But again, not diagnosed so we can't know for sure.
It did help us to read up on the disorder, a better understanding of it took some of our frustrations and stress away. And it helped us deal better, knowing where she's coming from (with BPD everything revolves around the fear of abandonment).


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RE: special dinner..

If it were me I would not let bm keep this up. It is not right for her to take away your visitations and never allow them to be made up. She sounds unflexible. If I were DH I would just tell her that from now on they are sticking to the visitation order exactly because she has not been willing to be flexible for him at all and has denied him visitation. If she tries to say the kids can not come because of XYZ I would remind her of the order. If needed I would be going to her home with the police and visitation order in hand. Whether they make the kids go with you or they just file a report on her for denying visitation it is good evidence to go back to court. Judges look down upon parents denying visitation that is court ordered.

It seems to me that would be the only way to show her she needs to stop this behavior.


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RE: special dinner..

That is exactly what we did Mom2emall, FDH sent BM a letter explaining her he's going to stick to the court order and any requests for change to be put in writing, with a weeks notice. This made BM pressure the girls even more to ask us to go with BM to 'this party' or 'that event'. BM cannot stand to be told by others how it is, whether it's a court order or not, she'll make up her own mind thanks.

When we went back to court, the court counselor decided it was ok for the skids to have a say in where they want to go. She literally said: "Wouldn't it be ideal if the kids can just pick and choose where they want to go?" (???)
Her suggestion was accepted by the court and so the court orders were made flexible. This means that basically the kids can pick and choose. So when BM puts pressure on them they will say that it's their choice. This is what makes it so impossible. When we put pressure on to stick to routine it's a tug of war, it's just not right. And the kids will support the disordered parent, that is inevitable. They perceived us to be the ones who were inflexible and 'forced' them to come, it was a very bad situation. This is why we can't do a lot, as much as we would like to go there with court order and cops to put a stop to this nonsense!! So I come here and vent, and wait for May to come around :-)


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