Frustrating situation - venting.

15 years ago

Ugh.

My SS, A__, turned 10 on Monday.

His homework planner is supposed to be signed by a parent every day, but BM goes for weeks on end without seeing what's what in it. This leaves A__'s school-life totally unconnected with his home-life until we see his backpack on the weekend.

Well, A__ acted up at school on Monday, and a note was written in his planner. BM didn't look in his planner at all last week, so I was the first to see this - on Saturday!

We asked BM about it, and A__ lied to her when she asked how school was on Monday. So now he's grounded for the weekend for lying.

I'm frustrated

- that A__ lied.

- that BM doesn't look in his planner.

- with DH because he's being lazy about enforcement and I wind up being the bad guy.

- because 5 days is awfully long time for a kid with ADHD to be removed from his actions before a punishment hits.

I want

- to trust A__.

- BM to step up and be a 100% parent.

- DH to step up and be a 100% parent.

- for A__ to have proactive people in his life instead of people who wait for him to screw up and then punish him for it.

But I am happy that we had good communication with BM on this and that A__ sees both households working together.

Thank you for the vent.

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (7)

deborah_ps
15 years ago
Ceph, you're a good mom to want those things for him...and he's a lucky guy to have you :)
liesbeth
15 years ago
Yes you are, and I don't know what it is with men, they just don't seem to step up enough. Ok maybe not all men, but certainly my man is one to say :"Don't worry about it" and that always makes me feel like the bad guy. I'm there with you!! You do the right thing by A- and at least you guys can do some co-parenting with BM. It could be worse. But, there is only so much you can do, the parents need to step up, as you said, and they need to do this.

Thanks for letting me join in on the vent :-)
Related Discussions
Venting builder frustrations
Q
Comments (5)
What did you write in your contract about timing? Did you agree in advance on a build schedule and milestones (tied to payments)? What kind of penalties has the builder agreed to for delays? We found that spelling all of that out in advance was a tremendous advantage, the one time that things seemed to slow unacceptably all it took was a casual comment "well, it's up to you, but remember that after Jan 20 it will start costing you $100/day". For us, time was as important as money in the contract and we managed both on a week-by-week basis, with enough granularity in the task and payment schedule to allow that. Ultimately it made for a happy contractor and a happy homeowner. If it's not in the contract all you have is the power of persuasion-- I find that freshly made brownies can work wonders.
...See More
Frustrated and need to vent
Q
Comments (11)
Thanks everyone for your insight. I think I was so tired last night and it all came to a boiling point. I must frustrated with DH. I should have given a brief history. LOL! The builder came highly recommended by two people. One was my sister and the other from a co-worker I worked with before I had DD. My co-worker had no idea we had already set up a appointment with the builder. He really has been great to work with and his subs are doing a wonderful job. I am all around happy with the results we have gotten so far. We gave him a price range we wanted to stick with of around $200,000-230,000 and he came back at $220,000. The first builder we talked to came in at $325,000 but had us tripped out with the best of everything! LOL! I feel very blessed in that area. Anyway, he does lots of remolding and I know he does have a few of those going on right now. The foundation crew told me they were working on the weekends to get caught up from the rain. I understood that. The framers knocked it out fast. The roofers worked on the weekend as well. DH really thinks it is because of the rain that has delayed everyone. I guess I was just feeling so, oh what am I looking for, lost in it all I guess. Not knowing what is suppose to be happening next. We have not made any major changes to the plans. Pinktoes is right, I think I am just not happy with not knowing what is going on. LOL! I did email him last night and asked for a breakdown of what is to be expected on the house and that I was feeling a bit in the dark. In the beginning the builder said it would take 5 months. I was delighted, since DD is starting back up at school. That deadline would have been September. Oh, well. I am going to take a big big BIG breath, try to gather myself and be grateful that we are even able to build this house. I also need to remember I am not the only one building a house in this area and the subs could really be busy and/or behind. Sometimes you need to let it all out! LOL! Thank you for being here to allow me to do that. Everyone is so bright and insightful it is a breath of fresh air :-) I feel a lot better this morning after reading the posts and stepping back and looking at the bigger picture. The email helped last night as well! Pinktoes we do have a camera out there. It is not hooked up to the computer but I sure wish it was. That would be so great! We had planned on going out of town next week to the coast and not even think about the house but there is a storm a coming! We will wait and see where it ends up going. Thank you again everyone!
...See More
Frustrated with contractors - need to vent
Q
Comments (8)
Roxan I ran into the same thing this summer. For the few things that I have hired someone else, the one this summer won the prize for most disorganized and unprofessional. Part of the problem seemed to be the particular trade (concrete) I was looking for. Some would call back then not show up at the appointed time, others were concerned just how big was the job and if it was worth their time. Not to get into the details but all future contractors will sign a contract with ME in regards to time they will arrive/leave and who will be on the job site. Also a start and completion date. Talking with my neighbors, who have had similar problems, some of the contractors seem to have no concept of what is appropriate behavior. Examples such as bringing your kids and dogs. Actually had another neighbor who was looking for a concrete contractor to pour her a patio. The guy could have had another job. Needless to say, he wasn't considered. And as mentioned neighbors/friends are a good source. Though my guys, who put in my windows, I found at the home remodeling show. They were excellent.
...See More
Need to vent due to lack of control over situation!
Q
Comments (27)
"I can understand how CP feels she has to bear the entire burden at tiems."(sic) If you are referring to a "financial" burden, my DH pays a large sum of child support each month, more than enough to cover ALL of their groceries, clothing, CDs/games, activities and misc. expenses, etc. As for care of the DSSs (in addition to BM's DD), BM is lucky enough to have her parents live next door. BM is out of town a lot either traveling with her DH or taking her DD to national dance competitions, so DSSs spend a lot of time with their GPs and are frequently dropped off at BMs parents on Sundays after visitation. BM works part-time during the school year only, so she is able to be home when the children come home from school and has summers and holidays off with them. I am happy that DSSs enjoy such a great situation. It is quite a stark contrast to my situation, since DH and I (both professionals) work about 50+ hours a week, have no family nearby, so our DSs are in daycare/afterschool care, and we arrive home at about 6:30 pm every night. "Maybe since she was fronting the money for the downpayment she thought that the amount of the downpayment should be up to her. Maybe it worked better with her medical FSA." BM did not advance DH's portion. It is due to the orthod. I am not aware of a "medical FSA." As I said, there is no insurance coverage for this. DH pays 100% of health and dental insurance for DSSs but there is no orthodontic coverage. "That's the advantage of being the NCP who merely has to reimburse the CP for medical expenses. The CP has to actually pay the doctor or the orthodontist at the time of service, and the other parent can take his sweet time about reimbursing her." LOL at this one. You've got it all wrong. The "advantage" here is to the CP who went out and chose whatever orthodontic care she wanted then stuck DH with the bill. TOS, your bias is showing. You have absolutely NO basis to say DH is taking his "sweet time" in paying his 60%. I said the up front money is to be paid "immediately," and I've said NOTHING to indicate it will not be paid immediately. As I said, we HAVE the money to pay it. You really have to work hard to have that type of wilful blindness to the real issues--the fact that BM unilaterally chose: 1) when the braces would be put on; 2) by whom they would be put on; 3) the amount that would be paid for them; and 4) the payment arrangements, all WITHOUT consulting the person who is responsible for 60% of the payments. TOS, if you hope to have any credibility, you have to recognize that there are times when BMs are just WRONG.
...See More
justnotmartha
15 years ago
Ceph, you are awesome.

Personally, I think it's a lot to expect a kid to come right out with "I was sent to the principal" when casually asked "how was your day?" If BM actually asked several questions as to what transpired throughout the day and this never came up I see it as more of a lie. But do you think BM really asked anything that in depth? Did she ask point blank "Did you get in trouble today?"

Is there any way to prompt BM to check the back back? Or, what we do is make it DS's job to bring his backpack contents to us. Perhaps a small reward - 5 minutes extra stay up time - is given if he brings things to BM? It's likely too late to train BM, but there is still time for A__.

Just a thought?!
believer
15 years ago
Ceph,

I agree with the other posts. A_ _ is so fortunate to have you in his life.

I am the "bad cop" at my house when it comes to SD10. DH doesn't want to enforce TV limits, bedtime or much else. I end up being the crabby one, he ends up smelling like a rose. He knows it and admits he is lazy about it. SD10 admits she is lazy and tries to get dad to baby her.....at least they are both honest.

It is great that BM and you guys can at least talk about these things. Sounds like she needs a post it note or something to remind her....:o).....who would be on the forums at 4:26 a.m.!!! Yikes....I can't sleep.
mom2emall
15 years ago
You have such patience!
sweeby
15 years ago
You're such a good parent Ceph!

One strategy that has worked really well for us is for DS13 to bring me his planner first thing when he gets home from school. He sets down his backpack, removes his planner, and brings it upstairs to my office when he comes in to say "Hi" and collect his hug. Then we go through it together and make a plan -- If there's very little to do, he can go straight to snack and TV, and we'll do his homework while I cook dinner. If there's more, we'll plan what can be done without help and what needs my help, and set some checkpoints so he can still watch his favorite TV show.

It's a simple habit to start, and one that has really helped!
ceph
Original Author
15 years ago
Yeah, we have all those strategies and A__ brings me his planner the very second he sets his bag down.

BM isn't quite as structured. But she and I just had a very good phone conversation and she said "Yeah, I've dropped the ball in the last few weeks about his school. So I had better get back into it."
I hope she does!!

Frustrating situation - venting.

Comments (7)

deborah_ps

liesbeth

Related Discussions

justnotmartha

believer

mom2emall

sweeby

ceph
Original Author

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

Frustrating situation - venting.

Comments (7)

deborah_ps

liesbeth

Related Discussions

justnotmartha

believer

mom2emall

sweeby

cephOriginal Author

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

ceph
Original Author