Return to the Stepfamily Forum | Post a Follow-Up

fellow stepmoms...

Posted by danielle721 (My Page) on
Mon, Mar 5, 12 at 0:03

Im new to this, please bare with me.

How do you deal with stepchildren you care about hurting you emotionally in order to feel like they are making their biological mother happy? I understand they miss their mom who gave up all but e/o weekend with them, but how can you make them understand they are hurting us in the process?

A few examples of their hurt towards us:

1. Treating anything their mother has ever bought them like it is gold and in the process forgetting about anything we have bought them and trashing it or losing it easily.
2. Talking badly about their dad and I to their mom.

Follow-Up Postings:

RE: fellow stepmoms...

Hi- I am new here. And a newish stepmom.

But I have found that you have to detach from it and not take it personally. Be careful not to contribute on your end to any loyalty issues. I am very careful about things I say.

Remember they have no obligation to like you or things you buy her...

RE: fellow stepmoms...

I would agree, don't take it personally. However, don't expect it to get better either. ~you can HOPE, but don't EXPECT~ because as long as mom expects loyalty from her children, they will feel torn. Some will stand up for themselves if they like you but they may choose to dislike or not accept you no matter what their parents say/want. They didn't necessarily want someone in their parent's life, so they don't have to like it. However, it is up to the parents to teach their children to be respectful & cordial. If the children are allowed to be disrespectful, think about cutting your losses now.

And no, they do not have an obligation to like you or the things you buy them... and you have no obligation to buy them things or do things for them. They have parents, let the parent's do their job. You do have a right to be treated like a person and be respected in your own home.

You cannot stop a child from telling the parents bad things about you or their other parent. It's up to the parents to put a stop to listening to it. Children will tell people what they think the person wants to hear. If the child is talking badly about dad & stepmom to the mom, then maybe the dad needs to talk to the mom and ask her to tell the child it's not nice to say bad things about you. If the mom refuses to tell the child that, then she is likely wanting to hear what the child has to say and is not going to care if it affects the child's relationship with her father or you. That's too bad because I have been stepmom to a girl for 6 years and her mother could care less how miserable she is. Her mom does not want her to like me, she doesn't like me, yet she lives with me & is terribly miserable. (It's no picnic for me either) and now that mom has what she wanted... for me to stop doing "mom" things for HER daughter, she is complaining because I should be doing more than I am... and I should be nicer to SD. Hopefully your DH's ex isn't such a psycho.

RE: fellow stepmoms...

Try not to take it personally - I know from experience that is easier said than done. I have 3 adult stepchildren; when their Dad and I were dating we got along excellent (mom wasn't really in the picture), 3 weeks before the wedding Mom caused a ruckus and the SK started trashing me and expecting everything from their Dad. Hopefully your DH will be reasonable and help you to cope with them rather than it be a big battle.

RE: fellow stepmoms...

I agree with Orange,Ima and End-of.Be careful of what you say or do in front of the children.Never talk badly about their Mom in their presence no matter your personal feelings toward her.

Discuss any sensitive subject or things you'd like to be kept private out of earshot of the children.Encourage others close to you who spend time with the kids to do the same and explain why(like your own family members).

Even though you care ,hand over the gifting to their Dad,your DH.It may take some weight off your shoulders and not set yourself up for hurt and disappointment.They aren't obligated to like you or anything you buy gift wise,no.You are not obligated to continue gifting the children.

It's loyalty to their Mom,not you as a person.They'd behave this way no matter who your DH married.I hope it gets better for you(if they are very young you may have a chance later)but most situations like these do not improve.It's carried over to adulthood.Especially if they are in the teen years now.You do deserve to be treated respectfully in your own home as Ima stated.If your DH doesn't support that?You are in for a lot of misery.

Nothing wrong with caring for these kids,but,try not to emotionally invest too much in them.Hope at a bit of a distance.

 o Post a Follow-Up

Please Note: Only registered members are able to post messages to this forum.

    If you are a member, please log in.

    If you aren't yet a member, join now!

Return to the Stepfamily Forum

Information about Posting

  • You must be logged in to post a message. Once you are logged in, a posting window will appear at the bottom of the messages. If you are not a member, please register for an account.
  • Please review our Rules of Play before posting.
  • Posting is a two-step process. Once you have composed your message, you will be taken to the preview page. You will then have a chance to review your post, make changes and upload photos.
  • After posting your message, you may need to refresh the forum page in order to see it.
  • Before posting copyrighted material, please read about Copyright and Fair Use.
  • We have a strict no-advertising policy!
  • If you would like to practice posting or uploading photos, please visit our Test forum.
  • If you need assistance, please Contact Us and we will be happy to help.

Learn more about in-text links on this page here