First Time-Need some advice

15 years ago

My finace has a child who is 13months old, the ex took him to court for more money because when she denied him visitation he took her to court. He now has wed/thur and then thur-sunday with the child. Judge didn't impute minimum wage giving her a chance to find a job. They have joint legal but she doesn't seem to care when he showed concern for the dr.. he provides for childs medical fully. She is not working, not going to school and lives with her mom 21 years old. She is making things tough for me and him and the child when he wants to spend time with. In court they both represented themselves.

I am wondering will things get easier or harder... wondering should I stay or go... the poor guy(child) comes to me hungry, needing a diaper change.... I am so confused .. love my man and his kid but his ex is being a hardship... She thought he would not be part of child's life her father left her/mother at young age...

I am wondering will child support get less? How should we handle things? I want things to be easy as they can what can I do...

If it weren't for the bm I would marry my finace today without question...

Some advice and thank you for letting me vent...

Comments (14)

mom2emall
15 years ago
Doubt anything will get any easier anytime soon. Being with someone who has a child can be the toughest thing you will ever do! My husband has 3 kids with his ex wife and at times she has made my life he**. From trying to get back with my husband to leaving state and going months without even talking to her kids. She has also talked badly about me to my husband and stepkids.

Child support will always be there. His ex will always be there.

Maybe in the future she will find a guy and it will make her stop being so difficult with both of you...maybe not.

Good luck!
needingsomeadvice
Original Author
15 years ago
Wow! So what do you do to keep your head straight and sain. I do know child support will always be there and am proud that he wants to help his child and does want to be part of his life.
Thanks for the brutal truth... First time thing and wondering if we should get married and if we can handle it...

How do you cope? How long have u been with your man.
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Faerybutterflye, Please pay careful attention to Dorothy's words. Placing layers of cardboard and newspaper and mulch on top of bermuda grass will not eliminate it. In fact, as the newspaper and cardboard decompose (which occurs VERY quickly in a rainy spring), they will in fact turn into compost and FEED the bermuda grass which then will grow up through the cardboard, newspaper and mulch. I cannot emphasize strongly enough that it is exceptionally hard to build lasagna beds on top of bermuda sod in our climate especially if the bermuda roots are in hard, compacted clay-ey or rocky soil. In very hard clay soil, or soil dense with rocks, it is hard to get the bermuda roots out....I've been working on it for 11 years now with success only in limited areas. I've had much more luck with shading it out and will use George's thickly-planted corn method on new ground I'm breaking this year for a larger vegetable garden. 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Five years later he declared the rocks and plastic a failure. He shoveled up all the rocks, lifted the black plastic and found very thick and sturdy bermuda stolons all over the place under that black plastic. He had to either dig it out by hand--very difficult in his thick caliche-clay/white limestone soil near Granbury,Texas, or let the bermuda reclaim the area. He gave up and let the bermuda win. So, my point is that if bermuda can survive for 5 years under heavy black plastic, you aren't going to smother it out with cardboard and paper and mulch. IF you get rid of every possible bit of the bermuda by digging it out or removing it with a sodcutter, you add organic matter to the soil, you plant, and then you put down cardboard and paper around the new plants and then add 3 or 4" of mulch, then you'll be able to mostly prevent the bermuda from infiltrating from grassy areas outside the bed and from stolon pieces you missed, but it will take constant vigilance. I'm not telling you all this to frighten you, but just to make you understand that we've been through this many times with many people. Lasagna gardening is great, and it works well with clumping grasses but not with running grasses like bermuda and St. Augustine grass in our climate. Every year, I watch people here in my county (LOL, and with some of them they do it year after year after year as if they seemingly learn NOTHING from their repeated experience) rototill up a nice big patch of bermuda grass, rake out the large pieces of grass and stolons, plant veggies and water it well. Four to six weeks later they have a garden full of young veggie plants with bermuda grass already reappearing "here and there". By the time their garden is 8 to 12 weeks old, there is more bermuda than veggies. 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That's when my bermuda grass starts marching back into the garden....it sneaks under the fence and starts spreading through the mulch when I'm spending all those long days in the kitchen putting food by for the non-gardening season. My best success with removing bermuda has been in areas where we have planted oodles and oodles of trees and shrubs. As they grow and get larger, they shade it out (hooray!) and then I can plant shade-loving ground covers and perennials. Unfortunately, trees grow slowly so after 11 years here, I'm just starting to see significant shading out of bermuda. I had black gumbo clay in Fort Worth and I only thought it was hard to garden in it. I've give my left arm to have that black gumbo now because the dense red Oklahoma clay I have now is 1,000 times worse. I miss my St. Augustine grass too. To prepare for your bermuda battles, buy one of those little garden kneeling pads in the spring when they show up in stores. I have three of them, all well-used. 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You can improve the soil from the surface down because the mulch feeds the soil and plants as it decomposes and the earthworms and other critters carry the decomposing matter down into the soil, but it takes years, not months or weeks. Since last year was your first year, I have to warn you that last year's weather was not typical....we tend to have many more dry drought-type years and not many wet, rainy years. For example, here in Love County, we had anout 53" of rain here at our house (including 12.84" of rain in one day in April) in 2009. That is NOT normal. In 2008, we had 23" of rain, which was below-average but much more typical of what we have here most years. I'm going to find and link the Carter County climate page from the Oklahoma Climatological Society for you below. 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mom2emall
15 years ago
I don't really know how I stay sain! LOL. It has taken a long time but I try to not let the ex bother me. When she does bother me I try to do all my venting on here so I don't make my husband feel bad and so my friends and family don't think I am a big complainer! And I really try not to give her the satisfaction of reacting....though just the other day I gave her a piece of my mind (read my Valentines post).

I was with my husband for a few years before we got married and we have now been married for a few years. But really nothing prepared me for being a stepparent. Especially a custodial stepparent! Parenting my own child is soooo much easier!

Don't get me wrong, my stepkids are absolutely wonderful and I love them. And we do have a great blended family. But there are so many things that come along with being with someone with a child.

There are things others have experienced on top of my experiences. I think that besides dealing with a horrible ex the next toughest thing is parenting styles. Right now the child in your case is young and that has not come into play, but when the child gets older it will. Many couples argue about that. Many non-custodial parents feel guilty and spoil their child to a point where it becomes a big issue. Many stepparents on here complain about the fact that when their stepkids come over they are allowed to run wild and if they try to stop it their spouse gets upset and thinks that they just don't like the child!

But, the good thing is that the child is young and he will grow up knowing you.

Read other posts on this site so you can see some of the challanges we all have faced. Maybe you can learn from our experiences and it will spark great conversation between you and your man. Really the key to surviving stepparenting is having a spouse that backs you up.
annebel
15 years ago
honey, if you even have to ask the question you most likely already know the answer. read the pages and pages of these same kinds of questions-the horror stories-the difficulties...and do some serious soul searching. i had and still have probably the EASIEST new girlfriend/ex-wife and BM relationship of all time-her and i are still great friends and laugh over glasses of wine about what an ass we both fell for-the kids still love and respect me just as they did when their dad and i were together-YOU NEVER HEAR THIS!! i am not the rule i am the exception!! what you will hear over and over again are the questions you're asking now.

there are lots of functional ex-partnerships where the new wife/new husband finds a place where everyone can co-exist...they are rare but they do exist. ask yourself some questions. beyond the scope of problems myself and most experts consider TRUE problems (addiction, abuse, drugs, alcohol, etc.) why do your fiance and his ex not get along? FACE IT-the relationship he has with his ex NOW is very possibly the relationship you and him would have if you had kids together then split up. statistically, things are not in your favor...do your research.

and be honest about what you would do if that 13 month old was YOUR BABY. i don't have kids of my own and it was the worst thing i've ever experienced not having them in my life the way i did when their dad and i were together. a hundred times worse than splitting up with my ex. she's likely not the overprotective/shoving the biological father away/making all the decisions/constantly battling in court crazy ex she may be made out to be...she's just the mom. she's probably doing what feels natural to her-put yourself in her shoes for a minute, it may be the wisest thing you choose to do. just be very, very careful. do whatever you're going to to with your eyes WIDE OPEN. she may be certifiable, no doubt, or she may be doing everything she can with what she has and the dynamic of her and your fiance's relationship pushes her over the top. she wouldn't be the first mom to go ape on an ex she felt was treading on her territory. mom's and dad's bond differently with children.

long story short-the child support is never going to go away unless the child is living with you more than the mother, and even in this day and age it's not common. beyond that, he IS the baby's dad. he IS financially responsible for this child as well as the mom-regardless of how big of a biotch she may be. if your fiance and his ex cannot come to agreements with each other you are in for a long road, sister. sometimes court is necessary, yes, but i think if you read these posts you may find that problems in relationships A are often indicative of problems in relationship B. do what is best for YOU!! getting married should be something you enjoy.

best of luck!!
finedreams
15 years ago
his child is only one year old and you are already his fiance. when did he get divorced? when did you meet him?

why did he divorce wiht such a young child. I think you are rushing into things. you are ready to marry him right now? is he even divorced? when was his divorce final? if they weren't offficially married, when did they split?
bnicebkind
15 years ago
Spend an evening and read this entire step parent forum. And then spend some time alone and think. If you choose to marry him, then you will go into this with your eyes wide open and realistic about some of the issues step families face.

I am also curious how long the two of you have been together to be engaged already...when he has such a young child.
needingsomeadvice
Original Author
15 years ago
Here is the story: She left him, they where never married she is now 21 years she found out she was pregnant after 5 months of being pregnant. During that time we where just talking and being friends because I knew he was hurt by her. When he found out she was pregnant he told her he would be there to help and if she wanted to they could work things out well she said no. She has no father in her life. Well up until the child was born I told him if she wanted to work things out then he should because the child needs a healthy environment.. I began to fall in love with him at that point. Well it wasn't until we where seriously dating that she told him if she wasn't dating a guy and he wasn't with me that she would want to work things out. Well, she and they guy didn't work out since then she has gone out with a few other men! While the fathers baby and I have been together. It is indeed a long road ahead, he has tried to be civil and honest. I just honestly feel she thought she would have a steady relationship and he would be the one going from girl to girl which is not the case. The BM also I believe thought that the BF would disappear like her father did. We dated for a year, where friends before, and this september it will be 2.5 years together. I am 28 years old and yeah we are not planning a wedding just yet... I am taking my time. Especially, now that the BM true colors are coming out... she wants me not to have anything to do with the child or anything, I think she may feel threatened by me. I know child support is always going to be there and that is what I love about the man I am with he wants to help his child out..but we both feel that she too needs to do something to help herself and her child not just live at home with her mother and get child support. The baby will be turning 2 then 3 and she has no seperate room for him, we have an apartment and got a 2 bedroom especially so the child can have a place/room of his own till we are able to buy a house. I will take my time, I swear I was praying and wishing to find something like this and found it last night..I have some peace inside knowing that I am not alone and I know I need to decide what is best for me and my life. I will take my time and thanks for all the support and love!!
finedreams
15 years ago
how could you possibly be 2.5 years together if he has 13 month old child. he was wiht his baby's mom 22 months ago. at least slept wiht her, at least once! all of this is a big red flag to me. sounds like soemthing I'd never want to be involved. if he goes wiht more than one woman at the time, then how do you know there aren't more babies somewhere else? doesn't sound good, good luck, but I'd run very fast.
lovehadley
15 years ago
Ok, well, September is 6+ months away, so you have been together for 2 years now.

I'm trying to work out the math in my head. Baby is 13 months old. So when he was born, you had been together for 11 months. Pregnancy is 9 months, so you according to that, he slept with the BM WHILE you guys were together?

Am I adding something up incorrectly?

If that's the case, I also agree, you should get out and quickly.
finedreams
15 years ago
I "like" stories how pregnant women leave fathers of their children. lol And how they don't find it out until they are 5 months pregnant. They have no monthly preiods for 5 months, but I guess they don't notice it. haha At age 20 she didn't know she was pregnant. Yeah. He feeds you stories. I wonder if you go ask her, if that story is going to add up.

Why would you even start dating a guy who has a baby on a way? I wonder if she does not want you to do anything wiht her child because you were dating her boyfriend while she was pregnant!

Overall situation does not sound healthy and the best decision is not to get involved. And he probably has more children that you'll find out about at some point, but he'll probably have another good story to tell you.
doodleboo
15 years ago
Finedreams-

I know that alot of the "pregnant wifes leaving" stories are probably B.S. but sometimes it does happen.

In J's case he and his ex had split for the millionth time then he got a phone call a month and a half later. She knew she was pregnant but didn't know how to tell him because she had told him she COULD NOT get pregnant...thus the delay. They debated getting an abortion because they knew they sucked together (obviously because they had split AGAIN) but then found out the girls were going to be twins which made the decision that much harder.

In the end they got back together and got married (this is super tacky) in the hospital three hours before her scheduled cesarean. They fought like cats and dogs as boyfriend and girlfriend. That fought the entire time she was pregnant and it only got worse when the babies were actually born. Thus the inevitable divorce. They were never meant to be married.

--------------Publice Service Announcement-----------------
Getting pregnant is the WORST reason to get married. If a relationship already sucks the added stress of pregnancy and new born babies will only make things worse! Babies won't fix a broken relationship.
kkny
15 years ago
I agree babies wont mend a broken relationship, but a man who runs from responsibility (unlike your DH, ddodle) will run again. Who knows what happened with OPs fiancee? But my advice to her would be run.
needingsomeadvice
Original Author
15 years ago
Sorry did math wrong she was pregnant in April of 2007 and broke up with him in March, we started talking at that point I was there just to help. She has told doctors, friends, and myself she didn't know she was pregnant for 5 months she has/had edimetrous(spelling?). Like I stated nothing happened between him or I till Decemeber of 2007. She called him in August saying she was pregnant at that point she had been with at least 2 other men. Yeah, I think it is a sticky situation with her. He is the baby's dad because she said it was his/his commanding officer advised him to get a paternity test before putting the child on Tri-Care. The BD is the most honest person you will meet she (BM) even agrees, along with responsible. I am not questioning his character because he didn't run from his responsibility he took charge and told her straight that he would be there for the child and her if she wanted him back. Like, I stated above she didn't want him back and also assumed he would run like some guys do and that she would be a single parent like her mom. She wanted that, she didn't want him to be a part of child's life. He took her to court because she was denying him the right to see his son. I am here just to see if I can handle the bm for the rest of childs life till he is 18yrs because the father will be in his life and yeah he is paying and doing what needs to be done! He just wants her to do something too as well. So I ask you not to attack him but yeah give me advice as how all you stepmoms have been so strong and powerful and loving towards you stepchildren whom you also view as your own without letting the other parent bring you down. Also how you women handle the men in your life while being a mom to your own biological children. Thank you for your advice and yes I am listening to you all. Life is tough but I am grateful for having this forum to express my concern. I would never be with a man who walks away from women or leaves or cheats or goes from women to women. I have been raised to love myself and respect myself if a man can walk away from responsibility who says he won't walk away when things get tough with me I agree. The man I am with is not that man!! So, I ask you just to give me some suggestions on how you all cope, endure, and love. Thank You!!
so0830
15 years ago
Get out now! Sorry to say, my personal opinion is this- the baby is only 13 months old, it won't be getting easier, it will in fact, get harder.

First Time-Need some advice

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