Update and Bio Mom Drama....sigh

15 years ago

Well first of all we are doing great. The girls have been great helping out aorund the house. The baby is doing terrific. J has stopped smoking (hooray) and has been fantastic helping around the house. We are all doing terrific.

That being said....enter Bio mom.

She showed up for the first time in three and a half months to see the girls. We let her take them to the mall and to the park because she looked OK and she said she was alone. The boyfriend she lives with is the dude who has pretty severly beaten her a more than once and J has made it very clear he doesn't want the girls any where around this guy.

So she picks them up around 9 and at 8 that night we get a call and she wants to know if she can keep them over night at a friends house that we don't know. J has told her not to bring the girls around any "strangers" because all of her friends are users and the concern is once all the kids are in bed they'll start partying. It's happened before. So J tells her no and she needs to have them home around 10ish. J goes to work at 10 and they are still not home. 10:30 rolls around and still no girls. Finally at 11 I call J at work and tell him they arn't home yet.

At 11:20 they roll up WITH THE A-HOLE BOYFRIEND! This guy is a big dude. I've never met him before and didn't ever want to. He is a control freak abusive turd. He starts giving me hell the minute he walks in the door. He was hostile from the get go. He was holding one of the girls while all of this was going on. My baby was asleep in the living room.

J came through the door right when I told the guy to get out of the kids room. Apparently J had called Biomom and told her she had better get the girls home PRONTO. Not only did she lie and have this dangerous man around the girls but she was planning to keep them overnight anyway so J had told her get them home or he was calling the cops.

The boyfriend was very comfrontational and even acted like he wanted to fight IN THE SAME ROOM AS MY BABY! Everything got put out on the table. We told them in no uncertain terms that if he ever showed up at our home again we would call the cops. Period. I reamed her out for putting the kids and I (Including my month old child) in danger for bringing him here. God knows what would of happened if j wouldn't of shown up.

I wanted to strangle that woman for having the girls around him and bringing him to our house around my child. This may sound bad but the girls already have scares thanks to this woman and her poor judgment and I do NOT want Layla knowing what rehab and domestic violence is before she's five like the poor girls. She isn't Layla's mother and I don't want her or any of her drama around her.

We have decided after this incident that from know on when she DOES show up for her quarter anual visit we will do the custody switch off at the Police Department so Layla and I arn't anywhere near her or any of her jack@$$ botfriends. It's bad enough the girls have to be. Have I mentioned I hate this woman?

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Comments (13)

silversword
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Doodle you made me cry! Honey I am so sorry. What a scary night for you. I think you're smart to hand off at the police station. I can't imagine how that must have felt. I remember how "mama bear" I was after giving birth and to go through something like that must have been terrifying. I would freak if some man were holding my little girl and yelling. How could she put her little girls in that situation? How could she put your baby in that situation? I'm so sorry....
believer
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Doodle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So good to see you again. Man oh man! Now that you have little Layla you really do have to draw a deeper line in the sand. I am thinking that BM won't be around for a long, long time. Especially if she knows that you will deal with her at the police station. She really needs to give up all rights to the girls if you ask me. She is in no shape to be around them. She can't be trusted, at all. Thank God that J came home when he did. That BF sounds like he would have no trouble trying to put the fear of god into you. What a waste of space. I'll be praying for your situation.

Tell J great job for quiting the cigs. I am an ex-smoker and I know how hard it is to quit. Good for him!...my DS16 has started.....really upsets me.

Once again....so good to hear from you. I miss you on the boards! Blessings to you and your little June Bug.....to J and those cuties too. J has quite a little harem going on.
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It sounds like you just need to vent and have a place you can do that w/o being judged. I'm happy to listen if you need a friend (vistajpdf@aol.com). I'm also a stepmom to 3 kids in their 20's and I have MANY days when I am very resentful of them and their mother, who has been basically no help in any way. So, I do understand where you're coming from. Like you, I have 3 little boys who need me and since my adult stepdd moved in after Thanksgiving (I housed her brother for years in the late 90's, early 00's), I often feel, "I didn't sign up for THIS!" So, I do feel for you. You know you can't turn your back on this boy and deep down, I hope you don't really want to. Kids can have a drug-abusing, physically abusive prostitute for a mother, whom they will call for in the middle of the night for some strange reason. You and I know it takes more to being a mom than just giving birth, but to kids, even the worst mother is still a mother. You may not have PPD (though women do have 80 times the normal levels of estrogen after delivering a baby), but my guess is that your sleep-deprived w/ a newborn and a preschooler running around. (DMD degree from Univ. of FL, '91, lol) I'm also still in a state of sleep deprivation and my boys are nearly 3, 5, and 7. If I had a depressed adolscent on my hands, I'm thinking I would be the one headed for the looney bin. Take help if anyone's offering - your family, your husband's family a friend or neighbor and take a few hours for yourself - even if what you really need is just a long nap. You'll be more patient and clear headed if you're better rested. Secondly, regardless of what it takes, you could all use some counseling during this difficult time of adjustment. I've heard that finding a good therapist is like finding a good husband. You have to kiss a lot of toads, lol. Keep looking, get referrals from a trusted physician or friend and get help for your ss and yourself. It sounds like you're a lot like me and just venting to a forum, writing down thoughts, etc, helps. But, sharing it with a trained professional (once you find the right one) could be priceless. Be direct - men, and certainly that includes boys, are not mindreaders. Sometimes I expect my husband and my SD to "see" the things I see as far as cleaning up goes. They don't. Be very specific and say, "It would really help me if this became your job." Hopefully he can grow to help you and you can use the help. Good luck, Dana
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Thanks for allthe Happy Mother's Dsy wishes. We wound up having a nice one despite all teh BM drama. Organic- As far as BF bailing her out. The man IS a total abusive A-hole but in this case I don't think he had the resources. He nor BM are working. They live in a cruddy travel trailer without electricity behind the mothers house. Niether of them have vehicles and they barely have food. I think it really was a monetary issue. As far as BF's mother, I think she dislikes BM because even though her sons a total jerk he is still her baby and she knows BM is no good for him. Obviously he has issues of his own without being around another issue ridden person. Plus I think BM gave him Hepatitus which I am sure pissed her off even though it was equally her son's fault. Parents tend to see no wrong in their own children. BM could of been plundering for stuff to steal and sell as well. BM has done this to her own mother countless times which is partially why her own mom can't let her daughter live in her home. BM's mom won't bail her out because #1 they don't have the money to do it AGAIN and #2 there would be no where for BM to stay so her best bet is to stay where she can get in the least amount of trouble. Sadly that place is jail. She has burned all of her bridges and is to a point where she has no body to fall back on. Keep in mind also we have only heard BM's side of the story. If we could talk to BF's mother I'm sure there would be a few details that BM "Forgot" to mention. lovehadly- You are totally right about the enabling thing. There has always been someone willing to go out on a limb and get her out of whatever jam she got herself in. Now that those people have all wised up she's out of resources. She is having to deal with the consequences of her actions. She road the fence without any kindof record for YEARS! Now it's all catching up to her at once. Sucks for her but it will really help J in court now that there are strikes on her record. When she finally fell off the truck it ran her over backed up and ran her over again. KKNY- Thanks for the heads up on the foxglove. I wonder if J realized this? I'll tell the girls not to even touch it when I get home. Sweeby- I think you are right that BM is so far gone that she is just not capable of making good choices. She has completely gone off her rocker. She seems at this point to be doing the total opposite of what she should do in every situation. Bm's mother said that BM had made the comment that"when this all over with she is leaving Flroida and never going back." I had to sortof bust grandmas bubble and tell her BM won't be able to leave state with two felonies under her belt. If she doeesn't wind up doing time she will have a parol officer asigned to her in Florida and at the very least will have some hefty communitiy service to do before she can return to Georgia. Bm won't be able to run away from this. Her court date for the drug related felony was yesterday and I'm really curious how it turned out. To be 100% honest J and I do not want her back in Georgia. We both think she will continue to screw up if she moves back. It will just be in our backyard instead of four hours away. We have kindof liked not worrying about any of the crap showing up at our front door. There was no way for her to show up high banging on the door when she lived four hours away with out transportation. That has been nice. If she won't go into a rehab program we would prefer her to get locked up. Sounds harsh but it would be the best thing for HER and everyone else. Maybe she could dry out in prison. Who knows.
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P. from the previous comment, if I were you, I would take the advice that you should have empathy for the children's mother. I would also not get caught dead in the comparison trap; if she has fallen into it, that's her issue, but don't even go there, you are comparing her best to your worst, and this goes with any kind of comparison. Seriously toss everything else! That comment has touched a couple of nerves I thought could never be ignited again. You don't have to be a biological parent to understand or accept detrimental behavior. BIOLOGY DOES NOT CREATE UNDERSTANDING. Bad behavior is bad behavior, no matter what the origins are. Being a former spouse, a bio-mom and a step-mom myself, I couldn't disagree more with what was just told to you. How you feel, how you behave with a stranger that is about to take care of your children is absolutely a subjective matter, probably based more on your own personal family history, your own self esteem, and absolutely not on biology. It sounds like you are just trying your best to make all good. Women tend to want to improve things, fix things, make everything alright. Sometimes, I am afraid, you just can't. Feel empathy for that woman, accept her for who she is (and not for what she does) if you are able to. But other than that, try and let her deamon stay her own; do what you do, walk away. In my step-family groups, I would sit and hear stories of women getting away with despicable behavior, all in the name of their biological connection (heralded in front of the step-parents of course). I think it's time that us biological mothers step up to the plate and show some nobility, especially when children like your steps seem to be blessed with a step-mother who loves them, who cares for them. The biggest turning point for me was when I realized that the children would behave with me in one way and with their step-mother in another way. That's when I realized that something had to be done, that the gap we had been forming needed to be bridged. I can't say that we talk on a regular basis now, nor that I agree with much of what she says, but when something throws me off, I keep in mind that she loves my children and my children love her. Sure, it bothered me when I first heard them call her Mom too, but in the big picture, is that what really matters? No, that's just my pride that is hurt (I thought I was the only one to be able to hold that title from the day they were born). The children have improved in so many ways since she and I had our pow wow, and some times we need refreshers just to make sure we're still on the same page. But that kind of talk needs to come from her I am afraid. It sounds like she is not open to you right now, so you just have to sit tight and wait. The advice I give you is this, if her behavior really gets out of hand, I would have your husband talk to her. After all, she is undermining the children's stability. It sounds like they care for you but sometimes feel confused about allegiances and act up. If his conversation with her doesn't work, possibly seek counseling or a group therapy environment where you can air out your grievances. She is unlikely to accept that option it sounds like, but if he brings up change in the children's behavior and that there seems to be something wrong with them, I doubt she won't want to seek a solution for the good of her children. I don't know if you have any religious or spiritual beliefs, but praying has always helped me... and I'm not talking about those, "Oh God, help me..." I'm talking about serious meditation, journaling if writing is your thing... One of my mentor moms told me once, "My step-wife kept me on my knees for many years, but now my children thank me... all of them!" I took that advice to heart... and of course, if you find a group of step-parents, or even just of parents, you may find your biggest allies. Online, it's a crap shoot if you ask me. Looking someone in the eye is always better. Best of luck, hold onto your family, and I look forward to hearing good updates (I know it will get easier with time. Remember, it's not time that changes things, it's what people do during that time. If she doesn't come around, I am sure you're going to be able to become strong and take it like a mama!).
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lovehadley
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
So glad to see you posting!

WOW is all I can say. What sort of legal rights does BM have? I would be so, so hesitant to let the girls go ANYWHERE with her at all. It sounds like her situation is so volatile and scary; she could literally take off with them and disappear.

Can J not push for supervised visitation for her? I see NO reason for her to be alone with those girls.

I am so sorry that happened! How awful for you. Big (((HUGS)))

I'm glad J got home when he did!
imamommy
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I vote for supervised visits. If the custodial parent says 'keep the kids away from your abusive partner' and that is ignored (as well as the terms of the visit being ignored), then she should be watched. Her lack of concern or regard for the safety of her kids is concerning enough to get an order that she only have specific day visits and/or that they be supervised. I wouldn't let her have them after dark...

It's good to hear from you again.. sorry it's under such a stressful circumstance. Take care.
liesbeth
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Hi Doodle, I so agree with the others; SUPERVISED visits only. I would not let BM see skids till that is made official, hopefully it shouldn't be too difficult to get that done.

And I'm also very shocked he came into your home. Extremely threatening, so sorry for you and Layla. Skids would be beside themselves as well, poor girls. Hope that you have some better news soon!

Liesbeth
doodleboo
Original Author
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
It's 4am and I'm up! Hooray for Mommy-dom:)

Anyway, to answer one question....legally she had custody but she gave them up willingly to us a year ago and pretty much split aside from the occasional(DRAMATIC)visit. She isn't so crazy that she actually thinks she could take care of them.

HOWEVER, and this is a big however, the boyfriend is a control freak. I'm pretty sure it was his idea to come over and "handle" the situation. That being said we are kindof worried he will talk her into trying to snatch the girls and run. He seems to have alot of pull over her like control freaks often do.

The good news is as soon as our income tax comes in it's all going to a lawyer to try to gain full legal custody on the grounds that she is at the present time unfit. He is going to push for supervised visits but who knows if he'll get it or not. I wish we could force her into rehab but they were both quick to point out the courts can't force it. They met in rehab by the way and ditched together before she had finished her stint.

While they were her J told her the custody battle is coming and her boyfriend screamed that he'd pay for a lawyer and take the kids from us. Of course niether one of them is working so I have to wonder where he gets his money....hmmmm, drug dealer anyone?

Any who we are very aware of how unstable she is and how dangerous this new guy is and after talking it over some more tonight he has decided she won't get them again untill the judge says so. Not that she'd show up for another four months anyway but on the odd chance she does the answer is no untill we have full legal custody.
justnotmartha
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Doodle! I've been wondering about you, J, and the 3 Doodlebops! I'm glad to hear you are all great, but not so happy to hear about BM. Unbelievable.
I have no doubt that you will get custody changed. Until them, you need to make sure the school is on high alert and those 2 girls are supervised at all times - the snatching idea sounds very plausible. Make sure all your doors are always locked - do you have a neighbor you trust you can tell about the situation so they can keep their eyes open and know if they hear something out of the ordinary to call the police?

All that said, I have to wonder if she'll even be back for a while, but it never hurts to be cautious. How were the girls through all this drama? How are they afterward?
sweeby
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Hey Doodle! Good to hear that you're doing well otherwise...

And so sorry about the BM drama!
But it sounds like you're doing all of the right things, going for full legal custody and asking for supervised visits only.

All I can suggest is that you get your paper trail in order. Dates, times, places, witnesses. The stronger and more well-documented your case is, the sooner you can get this behind you.
finedreams
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
wow, sounds bad. sorry you have to deal with it. I am very shocked that she has legal custody, not dad. How could that be possible? she is obviously unfit. hope dad gets custody and she can only have supervised visits. good luck.
mom2emall
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Your situation does sound bad! I can't believe her bf came to your house!!

I am not sure what the schools can do if bm showed up and tried to take the girls because on paper she has custody.

As things stand though it sounds like you have an excellent chance of getting custody since they have lived with you and gone to school by you for a year.
annebel
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
i agree with the posters above...supervised visitation ONLY!! it exists for a reason. also, pull out your calendar and start documenting everything-get copies of the phone bills, cell phone statements, any money that changed hands, when BM called, came over, took the kiddos, anything you can remember and start keeping a journal. also, if you guys are in the habit of texting, type them out and keep a file of them (some cell phone companies can print them off for you, but i think there's a time limit, like only the ones from the past 30 days or so.) keep audio recordings of any voicemails and print off your emails. i've discovered that attorneys and judges love paperwork-and any work you can save your attorney from doing is money saved. also, i would buy a little digital recorder that can be put in your pocket and keep it handy, in your purse or whatever, and record any exchanges of the kids, any more encounters with the ahole boyfriend, etc. if it were me i'd have the cops on the phone the minute he sets foot on your driveway-should he have the balls to show up again. the police are there for a reason. and fill in the school FOR SURE!! you can't be too careful. a judge may grant you emergency temporary custody...probably worth checking into.

the one nice thing about the parents that choose to show up three or four times a year (especially if they have a shady past or are participating in stuff that's not completely on the up and up, like drugs, etc.) is that they hate being in the courtroom. she may not even show up and they you'd get custody by default. also, go for the gusto when you petition for custody. physical and legal, all decision making privileges, demand random drug testing, the whole nine yards. that way if she does want to play ball you have some room for negotiation and still get everything you need to keep the kids safe.
hope that helps!! good luck!!
silversword
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
also, go for the gusto when you petition for custody. physical and legal, all decision making privileges, demand random drug testing, the whole nine yards. that way if she does want to play ball you have some room for negotiation and still get everything you need to keep the kids safe.

Good one Annebel... first rule of negotiation, ask for more than you think you're gonna get. Then, hopefully, you walk away with what you really want.
doodleboo
Original Author
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Finedreams-

When the divorce happened years ago they agreed on joint custody. She wasn't as bad off as she is now. She had a job, an apartment and was going to mental health meetings and seemed to be "getting better". J had major guilt about the divorce and didn't want to take the girls from thei mother either.

Over the past few years she has gone way way way down hill and he has gotten over the guilty parent syndrome. He realizes that he has to do whats in their best interest safety wise. It isn't easy for him but it's unfortunatly very necessary. The last thing he ever wanted to do was keep them from their mama:(

He does plan to request the works in hopes of a tleast getting supervised visits. I'll let you know when the court date gets set. It's going to be stressful and ugly.

Update and Bio Mom Drama....sigh

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