What to do about the cruelness of your boyfriends child's mother
hotgurl225
17 years ago
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coolmama
17 years agolast modified: 9 years agohotgurl225
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What would you do? We don't like DD's boyfriend!
Comments (44)jterrilynn - " We always feel like we lost our puppy or something" I have two boys and that's how I feel when a girlfriend is gone. My eldest son went out with a girl for two years and everyone really like her. When they broke up his cousins asked him if they could keep her and get rid of him. :) Back to topic- When above son was in high school he was part of a group of kids who were/are good kids - smart, responsible nice kids. They weren't the in-kids or the jocks but they were the kids who accepted the nerds and the new kids - the social group where parents wanted their own kids to be a part of in school. They weren't perfect but the silly things they did never overshadowed their reputation. In first year college he met a new male friend and started hanging out with him. I think there was some thrill to hanging out with this kid.This kid didn't have a good reputation (drugs were the issue) and that's how I approached the problem. Instead of forbidding him from seeing this new "friend" I talked to him about reputations and labels. My son (and his friends) had a good label and this boy did not. I explained how easy it is to go from a "good" label to a "bad" label or reputation and how so very difficult it is to get back that reputation. I explained that even though he may not do anything wrong the bad label is easily transferred. People like to talk about the bad kids but seldom about the good kids because that isn't tantalizing or scintillating gossip. I explained about the purpose of gossip and how stories can get exaggerated and with the advent of texting and tweeting how quickly things can spread. So I asked him what kind of a label did he want for himself and what kind of a reputation did he and his friends want for themselves - for now and for the future. My son chose to get rid of this kid but I think it was hard for him but he had goals and figured out that being involved with this kid could hamper those goals. Selfishly, I also told him that I didn't want this kid and his reputation to hamper my reputation. As my son's mother I could get dragged into the gossip as well. ( what was she thinking allowing DS1 to hang out with that kid, etc) I just explained that he would eventually be moving out of the neighbourhood and I wouldn't be....See MoreTell us about your deceased child
Comments (5)I;m so glad I found this forum today. I lost my beautiful son Brian just over 3 months ago. he died Nov. 22nd 08 it was just after midnight and he was driving his date home when he was hit head on by @#$% showing of his car. Brian was only 18 years old and I am so devastated!!! he had just graduated high school only 5 months earlier. He had everything in the world going for him. His date lindsey is recorvering well, I would say thank god but i no longer believe. my son died saving her life.the police said Brian did everything he could to get off the road without crashing into this huge wooden planter. he could have gone off the road and he might have lived but she surly would have died. the @#$%ing monster still hasn't been arrested and i am so full of rage and sadness. I am married to my high school sweet heart Ricky we have 4 surviving kids Jenny age 26 Rick age 23 Rose age 17 Was 16 when it happened John age 15 was14 when it happened rose and John just had birthdays and all I could think was that one day they will be older than Brian. My husband and I were so heartbroken we couldn't even help plan his funeral. My daughter did everything. and I know she did the best she could but I feel more should have been done. over 600 people came to his wake.It was like a horrible blurry dream. I really can't remember much. It was so over whelming. all these people, alot I didn;t even know all wanted to hug me and express ther condolenses even his kindergarden teacher was there. and I promised Brian I would not embarress him so kept my "game face" on but the whole time I just wanted to scream my head off. Brian was the kind of person who made friends everywhere he went. I'm glad with all my heart he was so loved but I'm still freaked out It was so over whelming. I still can't leave my house. I feel like everyone is staring at me. I know they're not. I never went back to work. It's only been a few months but I feel so bad. I hate laughing i feel so guilty that every time I have a "good day" i just punish myself for the next few days. We buried Brian the day befor thanks giving. His birthday was the day before xmas eve. I wanted him cremated because I can not bear to think of his beautiful face rotting in that box. his father brothers and sisters refused. I have not visited his grave since valentines day and i told my husband i'm never going there again. his grave is covered with dead frozen flowers stuffed animals letters pictures and un opened xmas and birthday presents it looks like a garbage dump. people say the stupidest things like what a nice gadrden he'll have. I can't dig in the soil knowing my little boy is in there. I no longer believe in god My son was such a great kid. he was all boy. If there is a god why my son?!!! why not the @#$% that did this to him. and why isn't he aressted? He had 3 other kids in his car( the @#$%) all including him were in the hospital for weeks one boy(not sure if this is a roumer) is in a wheelchair for life. and all the roumers are so @#$% crazy. I'm sorry this is so long. I have no one to talk to .my so called friends don;t understand. I still can;t talk on the phone. I spend my days all alone crying. I know Brian would not want me to be this way but i just can;t stop. Thanks for listening to a mothers broken heart. Laura i'm sorry if i sound crazy but i am so lost....See MoreDoes a boyfriend's child get in the way of love?
Comments (53)Hi everyone. This is my first time posting here. I was incredibly relieved to find this discussion, as while my friends and family are very supportive and attempt to be helpful, none have any experience whatsoever with being in a relationship with someone with children. Okay, here it goes: I am a 30-year-old woman who is in a 4 and a half year relationship with a wonderful, brilliant, kind, successful 42-year-old man who I connect with in more ways than I can count. I met him when I was 25, and his two daughters were 11 and 16. He has sole custody of them, and went through a long and painful court battle to win custody (this was prior to our meeting). Their mother is abusive, manipulative, and completely insane, and they don't have much contact with her. I have been fortunate enough to not have had contact with her because of her minimal contact with the kids and the fact that she and my boyfriend completely ignore one another (he has made several attempts to stay on good terms with her, but she only seems interested in using the kids to hurt him. They themselves have even asserted this. I try to remain neutral when they tell me such things). The extra-complicated part in all of this is that their relationship began when he was just 15 years old, and she was 27. He came from an abusive home and ended up in a relationship with this sick person (who is obviously also a pedophile). Fortunately, he had the sense to get out, but not before he had two children with her. I met the kids almost immediately when we started dating (big mistake), and even though they liked me and I liked them and we got along quite well, we absolutely should've spent more time developing a strong foundation between us beforehand. I tried my hardest to be considerate, kind, and caring without being overbearing or attempting to assume a parental role (as I am just 9 years older than his eldest). We did most things together, and after awhile, I found myself feeling quite stressed out about the lack of adult time with my boyfriend. We made more of an effort to do that, and things seemed to be going well for awhile, but he then began to ask about my moving in with him. I explained that while I loved him, I didn't think I was yet ready to, a), move in with someone, and b), move in with someone and their children (he is also my first long-term relationship, and I have never lived with anyone). In addition to the marriage to the mother of his children, he had a brief (6-month) marriage that ended about 6 months before we met, so he is quite comfortable with the idea of living with someone. A few years ago, he began having some major issues with his youngest(who is now 16). Since then, she's been hospitalized for cutting and suicidal thoughts, has abused heroine and been involved in prostitution, has spread malicious lies about my boyfriend, and is now dating an equally disturbed young man whom she was forbidden to see when my boyfriend found out that this boy was emotionally abusive. The boy then threatened my boyfriend's life for cutting off his contact with the daughter, and she still wanted to be with him. She then went to her mother's (who she never sees and never wants to see), who allows her to see the abusive boyfriend, and who we found out tried to lure her to live with her by telling her that she and the abusive boyfriend can move in with her when they're 18, and has completely turned her back on my boyfriend, who is the most kind, loving father I've ever known. This was about 2 months ago, and she refuses to receive phone calls from him or see him, and her mother doesn't encourage her to repair her relationship with her father (and I assume she is actually enjoying knowing he's in pain because of how sick she is). My mind is absolutely blown by this (even as I write this, I am in utter shock and disbelief as to how crazy things have become with her and can't imagine how any of this would look to an outsider), and I am utterly brokenhearted to see my boyfriend in all of this pain over this very sick child. Her sister, the 21-year-old, has completely written her off, and has told me that she thinks there has always been something deeply wrong with her sister, but that she was always afraid to tell her father for fear of him being upset with her. Because it was always just the three of them, she worried that telling her father about her sister's behavior when he wasn't around would disrupt the family unit. Their mother was diagnosed by several court-appointed counselors as schizophrenic with borderline personality disorder, and we fear that this is what's happening with the youngest. I have tried my very hardest to be supportive and loving during this incredibly challenging time. My boyfriend cannot sleep, is having a hard time focusing at his clinic, and is completely depressed. As he has been pushing the idea of us living together for awhile now, this incident made me realize how important it is that I be there living with him (I am currently there 3-4 days/week), and I told him that I am seriously thinking about moving in together. His response was that he thinks that I am just happy that his daughter is gone, and that that is what prompted my desire to move in, which is not the case at all--I would much rather see her home and healthy, but I also pointed out to him that all she has caused him is pain for the past 3 years, and that maybe he does need a break from all this and maybe she needs to sort things out on her own, as he has done all he can to support and love her. He also pointed out that his 21-year-old is planning on moving out soon and thinks that I only want to move in because of that coupled with the youngest being gone. I will admit that I have expressed concern about the 21-year-old, mainly because she still doesn't have a license and still wants to spend every living, breathing moment with her father and has never dated, and even has to be right at his side at all times when in public (both kids reacted differently to their mother's abuse--one rebelled, the other hides from the world). Still, I like her very much and enjoy spending time with her, but do think it would benefit both of them for her to get out on her own and begin to form a separate identity. This brings me back to the living together situation; my boyfriend also lives in a wealthy suburb that was a court-mandated part of the custody arrangement because the judge thought it best that the students remain in the prestigious school system there, so he is living where he is for the 16 year old. I currently live in the artsy part of the city, and am reluctant to move into the suburbs with him to wait for his rebellious daughter to return. He asked how I would feel if I moved in with him and she moved back in. I said it would be hard, but that I would support his decision. I also told him that it has been incredibly hard to see her hurt him like this over and over, and that I think it might be best for her to learn things the hard way right now. He was incredibly hurt by that, and said that what I was saying was because I never fully bonded with the kids (I've done my best!). So I am at a crossroads. I can give up my fantastic apartment in a thriving art community (I am an artist) to move to the suburbs to wait for this terrible child to decide to move back in with him, or I might lose him (he is pushing me to make a decision). On one hand, I realize that it's just an apartment and a location and that my lifestyle would change. On the other hand, I worry about completely losing myself and becoming more and more steeped in the complete chaos of his relationship with his extraordinarily damaged daughter who keeps hurting him. I love him more than I ever thought possible, and don't want to lose him, but know I must make a decision. If you got this far, thank you for reading, and if you feel so inclined, please, I need some advice, and don't hold back....See MoreHow do I accept my boyfriend's children?
Comments (10)Yeah......I'm going to have to agree with Ima. There's no magic formula for accepting your bf's children. You just have to be open to it and you have to have the right mind set for this kind of situation. First of all, if you guys were planning to get married, this happened at a perfect time. Now your BF can see that you aren't ready for "good and bad times", or "death till you part." To want to leave him over this sounds a bit......selfish. Secondly, you all need to stop with having all these babies out of wedlock. A child deserves both a mother and father, so if you cannot properly committ to your BF (off and on relationship)having a child should be the LAST thing on your mind. Really, I have more to say over this, but the bottom line is walk away from the situation. Coming in between the parent/child relationship is one of the worst things you can do....See Morechoppymom
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