Who hangs up on their 11yo daughter when she calls to ask about her birthday party? WTH?

That IS a new low... I just can't understand how a mother would do that!

Well she finally got through at 9pm last night, just before bed she asked if she can try one more time. Her sister answered the phone and SD asked to talk to their mom. BM gets on the phone and SD asks her "is it alright for Ima to make me a party for my birthday?" then SD pauses... "BUT you can go too!" She also asked if she can come to DGS's birthday and BM asks to talk to DH.

BM agreed to let SD stay with us next weekend so SD can attend DGS's birthday party.

Then she informs DH that she is going to take him back to court to lower the child support because now she "has another mouth to feed." How much lower can it get? She only has to pay $216 a month now... and doesn't pay it. LOL, she tells DH (very proudly I might add) that since she just had the baby and is on disability, he should start getting $30 a week that is deducted automatically. Doesn't she realize that is still not the full amount? But I suppose it's better than the nothing he gets now. "Another mouth to feed" just rings in my ears.... doesn't she realize her daughter has to eat too? If she can't afford the ones she has... why should THEY suffer because she wants to have another?

That's so sad Ima. "another mouth to feed" was ringing in my consciousness too.

Another mouth to feed?! I'm shaking my head. Double wow and double WTH. Hangs up on her daughter asking about a birthday party? Is there a substance abuse issue here?

Don't you love how non-custodial parents can complain about child support and how they can't afford it. Then they go have more kids! It kills me when my skids mom refuses to help with anything because she can't afford it. Really.....then why did you go have 3 more kids??

Anyways I think that bm is a real jerk. You should plan a party for sd and if bm wants a party for her she can have her own! I might even go as far as to tell sd party is on Sunday and then have it on Saturday.

I wonder the same as lamom, is there some substance abuse going on? or some mental illness that require medication? doesn't sound normal to me.

substance abuse? I know she has posted pictures of herself falling down drunk on her myspace... and her older daughter who was 12 at the time, commented "haha, mom looks funny!" Her current boyfriend is supposed to be 'clean & sober' in order to see his kids and in the last 3 years, they appear to be sober for the most part. Of course, anyone that knows about alcoholism, knows that unless you get treatment... not drinking just makes you a 'dry drunk' and the behaviors & attitudes don't change. That may be the attraction/dysfunction that holds their relationship together so far because any normal guy would have jumped ship long ago.

mental illness? I think BM is a hypochondriac, possibly even has Munchousens... she has been known to have injuries claiming broken bones but a week later, the cast/splint is gone... must be the quickest healer EVER! Keeps them long enough to get some attention/sympathy and probably ditches the crutches because it takes time/energy to use all the time... especially if you don't really need them. I believe she is a pathological liar and lies about things when there is no reason to lie... I truly think she cannot tell the truth or lives in a fantasy world where she thinks everyone will just take her word. When she is asked to bring proof to court for something, she just never goes back... of course she loses & then plays victim... look what THEY did to me!

What is that NPD? Maybe she has that?

Holy smokes, I think I'm at a loss for words. Your poor, poor SD Ima. What an awful, selfish woman.

You know, I wonder what this is teaching SD. I think I would stop having her call Mom and ask permission for things. Of course grandsons party on her time, she had to. But other stuff, nah. She's not worthy of it and I'd hate to think SD growing up groveling for this womans acceptance of her. Not a good way for a young woman.

this reminds me of two women I happened to be walking behind as we were all walking into the gas station. they are having a conversaion and it goes like this
women A: so how have you been doing
women B: oh really good,having a good time
Women A: have you been working
Women B: I was but that child support sh** caught up with me so I quit
Women A: really that sucks
Women B: yeah I'm not busting my a** for the child support bulls***
Women A: yeah I know what you mean

then we go into the gas station and women A trys to claim a coke someone paid for and left at the front counter... the cashier takes the coke puts it behind the counter and asks if he can help me. Women B glares at the cashier and says I guess we just pick and choose who we service.

I look at women A and say apparently you pick and choose whether to support your children and walk out.

I was so nauseated by the entire conversation... it was so sickening

I hear you too Ima! My skids BM is an alcoholic and it creates lots of problems for the skids. Most important she's never looked after them properly, like a mother should. But, it's never bad enough where we could get something done about it either (and still can't) so it continues on. And now she has 2 more bubs and is crying 'poor me I have no money and I'm such a victim'. Bah!

Why have more babies if drinking is more important than cooking a meal, or taking your kids to school, or spending a bit of time with them?

BM doesn't work, gets child support from FDH, money from Centrelink and the fiancee whom she moved out (but they are still together??) is also paying child support plus pays for lots of other stuff (this guy is being taken for the ride of his life!!).

However the skids perceive it as 'mum has to pay for all of us'. Again, bah!

IMA is she "really" on disability?? like ssdi or ssi? if so your hubby should be getting a separate check for SD above what BM is forced to pay for child support ... no clue how to check into it ... but if he calls Soc Sec they can tell him if a claim is open in his DD's name that he has full custody of :).

oh I think pseudo might be onto something, like mom2emal situation, BM gets welfare on kids who don't live with her...makes me wonder

I think she is getting State disability (if she gets anything at all) for maternity leave. She has no other physical disability. Of course, disability for having a baby only lasts a few weeks... usually 6 weeks postpartum, then they are expected to go back to work.

"not drinking just makes you a 'dry drunk' and the behaviors & attitudes don't change"

This is SO true. BM has been on her best behavior since the whole last court incident and since she had to sign something saying she wouldn't drink alcohol...BUT I notice that, even though she is calmer than usual, she still has the same behaviors and tactics.

Ima, I tend to agree that I wouldn't have your SD call her mom and ask for permission on these things anymore. Instead, it might be better to help her decide WHAT she will say to her mom when her mom gets mad about the birthday party, etc, rather than ASK permission.

That mouth to feed comment chapped my @$$! WHY have another child???

"WHY have another child??? "

- Because these women can't 'get it together' enough to get and stay on reliable birth control,
- because they don't have the guts to terminate an unwanted pregnancy,
- because they don't have the unselfish love to give up a child for adoption,
- because being pregnant allows them to get lots of attention and play the martyr card to its full potential, and
- because they don't have the mature judgement to realize and acknowledge what pitiful parents they are.

I really feel the tide shifting with SD. She has been so cold toward me for the last year or so... ignoring me, rolling eyes, telling her mom lies or just the part of the story to make me into the bad guy and her the victim... it has probably been the roughest year for me in the last five years. and the only thing I could do to cope was to disengage from her as much as possible. Of course, as it turns out... SD may have hoped her bonding with BM by bashing me would pan out for her, but instead BM ended up having another baby... taking more time & resources away from SD. We expected the "another mouth to feed" excuse from her, she hasn't wanted to pay anything all along. But, until now I hadn't considered that BM would tell SD the same thing... sorry honey, I can't because the baby needs ______. I mean she has always told SD no, I have no money. But now, if she pins it on "because I had another baby" instead of "I don't have the money because I don't make much", which was her previous response... well, it probably won't matter because SD sees baby needs things & gets them, she needs things and doesn't (from mom) So, now I can see a change in SD that she is treating me nicer... telling me she loves me & trying to have conversations with me. I'm hoping it really is genuine and not just because right now she wants something from me... her birthday party. (I already had decided to have it whether she is being nice to me or not, but it is nice that she is trying to be nice)

The purpose of having SD call BM was because BM is allowed to have SD for her birthday (during the actual day) and she will be out of school for Spring break (which is DH's this year) and I told SD that if her mom is not planning a party with her school friends, I could. If I just plan it, BM will whine how SHE was going to make a party and that I ruined HER plans, which is kinda what happened the last time I made SD a party and SD had an attitude with me afterwards because her mom couldn't be there. I ended up being the bad guy. So, SD was supposed to ask if her mom plans to have a party for her because I wanted BM to tell SD that she isn't going to make a party... because I know she isn't going to. Instead, SD just asked her if it's okay for me to make her a party and then proceeded to invite BM to the party. After she got off the phone, she asked me if it's okay if her mom comes to the party. Of course, I said yes... because again, it's a perfect set up to make me the bad guy again if I say no. Do I think BM will show up? If she thinks it will stir up things with us, she will probably go out of her way to be there. If we don't allow it to stir things up, I don't think she will go just because SD wants her there. The party I am making is on Saturday. Her actual birthday where her mom can have her all day is on the following Tuesday after the party.

you forgot:

- because her boyfriend was getting ready to break up with her and nothing saves a relationship like having a baby! Now they are a happy little 'family'. (babies are the glue to a broken relationship~ right?)

"But, until now I hadn't considered that BM would tell SD the same thing... sorry honey, I can't because the baby needs ______."

That just breeds jealousy. SD will always be jealous and resentful of her baby brother. It may not show now because the baby is new, but it won't take long for that baby getting all of the things SD should be getting to get old.

I feel so sickened at this this situation. It seems like there is no end or reprieve.

sweeby and imamommy,

What tha! (as the kids say) You guys are dead on as to the motivation behind "another mouth to feed." My SS30's GF told me recently that she had been pregnant with a THIRD child which is in caps because they can't support on their own the first two, after showing they couldn't support the first! They decided to have an abortion, also big news, but will try again. If I weren't typing it and hearing it I wouldn't believe it.

But, SS30's GF has shown she will do anything to hang on to SS30, and BTW she has been very effective and clearly has his number. Those extra babies are the glue holding lots of relatinships together. Sounds to me like that's what's happening with your BM. The alcoholism, dry or wet, doesn't help the judgement factor at all.

Blow past the "another mouth to feed" attitude and take care of your SD and your family. Yeah, that BM is going to have to deal with the mouths already here while the new one is on breast milk or formula. Give me a big break. She'll keep having new mouths if it takes heat off of her.

Unreal. Imamommy, it's not me but I feel your pain.

""WHY have another child??? "
- Because these women can't 'get it together' enough to get and stay on reliable birth control,
- because they don't have the guts to terminate an unwanted pregnancy,
- because they don't have the unselfish love to give up a child for adoption,
- because being pregnant allows them to get lots of attention and play the martyr card to its full potential, and
- because they don't have the mature judgement to realize and acknowledge what pitiful parents they are."

Well said, sweeby.
Let's also add in the self-esteem issue. It seems to me that these women are so psychologically *broken* that they just don't have any sense of identity or self-worth. I am NOT playing the sympathy card, but I do think that there is a definite self-loathing that plays into their issues.

In BM's case, she has always lacked self-esteem. In school, she struggled academically and always "felt stupid,' according to what DH has told me. She was also not *that attractive* in highschool--- TONS of huge frizzy hair, glasses, and she has a rather large hook nose. Her last name rhymes partially with Dog and she was called "Dog" by kids at school. :( I think this contributed to her drinking/partying. She discovered she could get guys' (the wrong guys!) attention by being drunk and flirty. Drinking gave her a confidence she didn't have before.

By the time she met DH at age 20, she had straightened her crazy hair, and gotten contacts, and discovered cute clothes and makeup. She isn't bad looking persay, but it takes A LOT of makeup for her to look cute. I know this sounds bad, but she definitely does not have a natural beauty. She is ALL artifical now--fake nails, fake colored contacts, TONS of makeup, hair is chemically straightened, etc. I think it's even worse now because she has been SO HARD on her body with hard drinking and smoking for a good 15 years now, and it is starting to really show: yellow teeth, dry skin, and she just looks HAGGARD. Honestly--she is 32 and looks 40. I'm not exaggerating at all.

DH has always said that self-esteem is at the root of BM's problems. She doesn't feel good about herself at all. It's all cyclical, too. She (and all these other women we are talking about) makes poor choices, life gets harder because of those choices, and then she is MORE unhappy. Then she uses coping mechanisms, like drinking or getting pregnant to feel better.

I definitely think having a baby makes these women feel *important* and it also gives them someone they think will love them unconditionally. A baby makes them feel worthy of love.

I'm clearly no psychologist, but I have to believe there is some truth to this theory.

But babies become kids they didn't want .... My MIL says that about my SK's BM she loved having all those babies people made comments all the time how wonderful to have 3 little ones so cute .... but then when they started being kids she wanted nothing to do with them .... they weren't cute anymore their behavior was bratty etc....

All those babies became the kids she didn't want.

Just like puppies...

See, I think my SS's BM is different. There are a lot of wacko BMs on here (pseudo, Ima, etc) who abandon their children, dump them on others, etc.

SS's BM is, thankfully, not like that. I honestly feel like she NEEDS and DEPENDS on her kids a little bit more than is healthy. She is so caught up in them, to the point of being overbearing and smothering.

I will give her credit in that she does love her children and she would never walk out on them. That's not to say she doesn't have plenty of baggage and drama! Her issues are just different.

"There are a lot of wacko BMs on here (pseudo, Ima, etc) who abandon their children, dump them on others, etc. "

I should clarify--Ima and Psuedo are not the wacky BMs! The BMs in their situations are.

sorry ladies, that sounded bad! :)

"Just like puppies... "

Whose BM ... (I forget) ... was breeding puppies... ????

If I remember right it was IMA's !!!

puppies didn't pan out. :)

Quote from LoveHadley:
"I definitely think having a baby makes these women feel *important* and it also gives them someone they think will love them unconditionally. A baby makes them feel worthy of love."

Well said Love, this is the sad truth for our BM.

* Posted by pseudo_mom (My Page) on
Tue, Mar 2, 10 at 18:43

"Just like puppies... "

Whose BM ... (I forget) ... was breeding puppies... ????

If I remember right it was IMA's !!!

puppies didn't pan out. :)
------------------------------------------------------------

YES! LMAO~ That was SD's BM that was breeding puppies! She wouldn't take SD to the doctor for her foot surgery (on her time) so we came to get SD and I took her. On the way home, SD called her to tell her mom about the doctor visit. When SD asked what BM is doing, BM replied, "Oh, BF and I are taking the puppies to the vet."

Yeah, it chapped my @$$ that she would, not only take her dogs to the vet but wouldn't take her daughter to the doctor... but she STILL has not paid her half of the co-pay for any of SD's visits.. which is about $10 per visit. (and I KNOW she most likely paid her vet because she had two more litters after that one!) But the puppies generate income & the kid is an expense. UGH!!! (sorry, opened an old wound with that one!)

breeding puppies...Listen to this...Of course not comparable to craziness fo BM, not that bad but still...

Years ago my ex insisted DD participates in equestrian sports (very expensive but she really wanted to and ex insisted she joins and he would contribute).

He never ever contributed a penny LOL, I of course paid for everything because DD really loved it and I was not going to deny her that just because dad bailed out. At the same time when he did not contribute a penny for sports that HE insisted she joins and HE promised to pay he bought himself a BOAT. Not a tiny boat but a YACHT, a pretty decent size. Yeap. Bought himself a toy.

Sorry IMA ... I didn't mean to pour salt on wounds ...

Its just remarkable to me ... how after all these years of posting ...nothing shocks me anymore ...

doesn't want kids they have they have more... then complain how they can't afford them.

Your not the only one like that but sad how many of you are ..

HAHAHAHAHA "my" BM has a brand new top of the line "look at me" vehicle, as well as her one year old top of the line- absurd for her driving conditions vehicle. But she can't afford SD's private school. My DH and I drive 5 year old vehicles, in good condition, but not luxury cars like she does. SD says to DH..."don't you wish you had a _____________ like my mom?" LOLLOLLOLOL

(What I would have liked to have said) Sure honey, but I'm just not that pretentious, and we'd rather not go bankrupt like your mom did. Our cars are paid off. We don't live in a 1.2 million house either, and because of that, whadda ya know? We still have our house!!

(What I did say) Sure, those are nice, but I prefer driving my truck. DH made some noncommittal comment about how he wouldn't want to have to fix them.

Obviously, we have different priorities.

FD said - "I of course paid for everything because DD really loved it and I was not going to deny her that just because dad bailed out."

I did this, too. But I realized that I was enabling X to not be accountable to his son. Also, I racked up a ton of debt paying for things I couldn't really afford. In 2008 when X lost his job (the first time) and wasn't paying any CS, DS wanted to play basketball. I flat told him "I'm sorry bud, but we just don't have the money for it since your dad has been out of work". And I didn't feel one bit guilty, because when the AG modified CS the previous summer, and it was raised quite a bit, X told DS that I should be able to afford all kinds of things because he was giving me more money. LOL!

So, Ima, let me get this straight....according to BM, puppies deserve to get healthcare, but kids don't?

Ashley, I think you hit an important point;
sometimes, the real target is the ex or the ex's spouse, & the child's "needs" are smoke & mirrors & camouflage.

What actually happened?

You spent money you couldn't afford & now if you stop, you'll be in a bad spot with your son.

What exquisite revenge!
.................................

My ex & his ex, the little boys' mother, had a meticulously-drawn & highly civilized, they thought, agreement for support.

Every December, each one would send the other one a financial statement, & they'd get together & decide who could afford what.

All was fine until she re-married, quit school/work, & had another baby, at which time she sent him a statement & a proposed new agreement which called for him to pay more because she wasn't making any money.

Her new husband's income wasn't included in the statement.

She "charged" 40% of the difference for their new, larger apartment to the boys, since there were a total of 5 in the household now.

He told her that if anything he should pay less, since she could afford to quit her job & stay at home & have another child...& he couldn't.

Not sure what to make of this...

DH finally got a hold of BM and BM said that it's up to SD if she wants to stay for DGS's party or not. She asked DH to have SD call her that night. So, DH told SD that BM said it's up to her and then gave her the phone. SD talked to BM and really didn't ask what they are doing... she started telling BM how cute & adorable my DGS is. I mean, she would talk a little and giggle and say "Oh the baby (calling him by his name) is sOOOOOO cute... he just SO adorable!" Finally, I took the baby to the room for his bath & she hung up shortly after. I'm I reading too much into it that she is cooing over my baby grandson, maybe knowing that it would irritate BM, who just had a baby of her own?

DH didn't see that, he just thinks SD is saying what any kid might say. I guess it would depend on what BM has told her about it. but I don't imagine BM has said anything positive about our house at all... given the history and comment she said to DH a few months ago.. that she "hasn't said anything about the baby we are now raising"

I guess I might be a little irritated if SD is going to use my grandson to get even with her mom... she has certainly tossed ME under the bus many times to get a reaction from her mom. I'm much more protective of the baby and having him dragged into that situation.

yeap Ashley, that's one of the reasons I have debt too. and my DD is not even demanding, never wanted fancy stuff yet everything costs money

I'm not sure, Ima, I'd jump to that thought after just the one phone call. The call was about GS's birthday and whether SD is going/staying. Only beng bale to hear one side of the phone call, you really don't know what prompted SD's answers or choice of where the call was going.

Could simply be SD spends more time with your GS and might actually bond a bit with your GS quicker than SD's little sibling by BM--kinda like if BM is saying 'our baby is so cute' and then SD saying 'oh, yeah, Ima's grandson is just the cutest thing too' cause she's involved and included with your GS and feels close to him as being an immediate and usually present part of her life.

This is also the BM who has SD 'spy' on you/your family so it could also have been BM on the phone guiding the call to fishing tidbits.

Who knows after just the one sided convo you could hear. But yeah, the thought of SD setting out to annoy BM by using your GS would irk me too. Does SD pay alot of attention to GS while they are together? Does she make over GS under normal times when BM has no clue what's being did or said, or just during this call? Just things to consider.

Or she could be trying to bond with her Mom over babies. Show her Mom how much she likes them, hoping Mom will want her around the new baby.