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'I'm so ugly'

Posted by liesbeth (My Page) on
Fri, Feb 27, 09 at 19:23

Hello everybody, I posted the same question on the parenting forum because it's not step-kid related.

My SD10 has very low self esteem and says things like: "I'm ugly", "I'm fat" , "My feet are so big, they're ugly" etc etc.

We are trying to boost her self confidence and I'd like to know how you guys address these kind of remarks. What do you say? If I say "no, you're not" it's not going to fix it.

Background info: SD's mom is exactly the same, always saying those sorts of things and constantly fishing for confirmation.

I want to tell SD10 that it's not good to say something negative about yourself just to try and get others to say that it's not true. And then I want to offer her an alternative, but what????

What do you say?

Follow-Up Postings:

RE: 'I'm so ugly'

As you already know, YOU can't fix it...

Adolescence is such an awkward time -- and not just for humans! I remember when my older DS was about 11 -- we were at the zoo or maybe a farm, but in any case, we were able to see some young animals that were in the middle of that awkward adolescent phase. Not baby-cute anymore, and not young-adult magnificence -- but clearly adolescent and awkward. And because they were animals, it was easy to point out their awkwardness and discuss it objectively. DS was able to laugh about it and see it clearly, and at that point, he was receptive to the conversation that kids go through that exact same thing -- That for kids, the phase generally lasts a few years and was kind of uncomfortable and awkward - but that the good thing was, it was temporary! And the trick was recognizing that it was a temporary phase - just like these animals were going through - and that he'd come out the other side in that 'young adult magnificence' stage that was so glorious. (DS is turning 18 next week, and his 'magnificence' is starting to shine through!)

Anyway -- Anything complimentary that you say will get the 'parental discount', so any affirmations will have to come from someone else -- preferably a young male who's not related -- which will open a whole other can of worms.

The better approach would probably be to try and focus her energies on areas that aren't realted to her appearance -- sports, school, the arts, community service. Help her develop the self-image of a capable, kind and caring person.

RE: 'I'm so ugly'

I don't think I have any good advice...My DD is thin and yet all i hear is look at my huge butt, my stomach is gross etc. No one in our family is too heavy or too skinny and subjects of food, eating, diets never come up in conversations. Yet she talks about it. I do not know where it comes from , she is pretty confident person but what's up wiht all this weight talk...I find it annoying because she is objectivelly thin. And she is not even vain type of woman who is into clothes make up etc, she really isn't. So who knows...

I have no advice. Maybe it will just go away. As I recall now, i was too thin young. I was embarassed of it, I remember people used to give me advice how to gain weight. I do wish I have that problem now. LOL

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