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I just needed to get this out. (Long)

Posted by Lucy34527 (My Page) on
Tue, Feb 26, 13 at 19:01

So I have been with my boyfriend for a while and we have had a pretty good relationship. Except the fact that I became the subject of ridicule from his ex-wife. Since I have gotten in the picture it has been one thing after another. The hard part is that she is mentally ill and is not medicated which just exacerbates the situation. When I first got with him he was nearing the end of his long and drawn out divorce. I was there for him as moral support through this trying time. When I did end up getting with him I ended up getting stalked by this woman. She went as far as to act like a friend and get my phone number from a someone on facebook and to call and threaten to sue me over defamation of character, because she got the idea that I was sleeping with him long before they got divorced. Which I didn't even know him then. She would start up stuff with me then a couple of months would go by and it would be quiet, then it would start up again. She, like my mother is bi-polar and she refuses to take her medicine which explains the ups and downs, the mania and the lows. I even had to get a restraining order on her because she would follow me where ever I went. I know that they didn't have a good relationship because the family has even confirmed that they argued a lot. She was very short tempered and he was also short tempered. They were a bad combination, which she even says herself (it doesn't make sense to me). Where as I am very layed back, holistic, and all about harmony in the home. So that was exactly what he needed a system flush and a reset. The saddest part is that there is a child in the mix. I am slowly finding out that she is manipulating her child so badly and we can't do anything about it. She calls non-stop when he is here interrupting our time with him. She also makes a huge scene when there is an exchange from households. When she gets her son back she grills him for information (which I can tell it confuses and upsets him). She also has caused such a huge problem that we now have to make the exchange of households at the police station. (The last time she dropped him off she started yelling when she was inside. She then started threatening and got him upset. He was confused and conflicted and started crying. She then commenced to take it outside where it made her ex-husband look like the bad guy because the ex-wife is yelling the boy is crying and the ex-husband is trying to tell their son to go inside so him and the ex-wife can talk together. The cops ended up getting called (as they have before because she was not complying and threatening everyone, because she feels as a woman she can get what ever she wants and she cannot get in trouble and will not go to jail.) The police officers said that the exchange needs to be made at the station from here on. (That means she can't try to cause a scene anymore). She has alleged that we abuse her son and has called the Department of Family Services on us twice. Which they didn't find any reason to go anywhere with the case because there was nothing wrong. She has came to my work threatening to fight me, which she is now banned from being on the premises of mine and his jobs and if she refuses to leave the cops will be called. She also calls me synonyms for a hussy and every argument starts with what I am doing with my life and the home I am trying to build. When their son comes over he acts out and is having trouble in school from that week spent with her. She feels it is horrible to force him to study because the school is there to teach children not the parents. Which we strongly feel that school and learning responsibilities is best for him at this age (he is 7). She lets him talk to her disrespectfully and do what ever he wants when ever and he will not listen to her. She also tries to buy him what ever he needs to make him happy with her and make her the favorite parent. He is encouraged to disrespect me and his father and she also coaches him to behave badly towards us. She lets him sleep in her bed with her every night. At our household we don't because that is just not right and it weirds me out quite honestly. We found out last night that she does his homework for him and he fails the test and work in school because she isn't going over anything with him and reinforcing it, or even having him do his own work. She just lets him play video games and watch TV all day and snack. She will not take him to the park but always promises to and she wont do anything to get him out of the house other that buying him stuff at the mall. He also has no sence of independence and responsibility he can't even tie his shoes by himself (which we have been working on and he is getting better.) Or even read, he is struggling so bad with reading which he gets mad about being here at our house because we make him read and go outside and do not let him sit there play games and watch TV all day. But because she is the fun one she keeps coaching him to basically hate his father and want to be with her. She doesn't realize you can't let a child make major decisions and tell you as the parent what he will and will not do. At our house we have a rules chart with a tally point system for a reward for every tally you get. When he is with us he isn't doing horribly in school and he is being respectful and saying thank you no thank you yes ma'am no sir. But as soon as we get close to his mothers he starts calling people names hitting people and throwing temper tantrums. When she is around he even kicks the cats, which also disturbs me that he is showing cruelty towards animals, but he is corrected. I don't understand why she is wont get help and she tells her son to lie and exaggerate. I don't think she realizes that she is hurting him really badly right now. He has such a strong attachment to her and she is alienating him from his father and taking his fathers dignity away. A boy needs his father. I grew up without a mother, I'm sure its just as bad for a boy to grow up without his father. She is trying to take her son away from his father and make him pay child support even though she makes more money. She has a shopping addiction and I don't think she needs child support, she needs help. His son has been enrolled in counseling and has been attending for a month so far. I just don't know what to do this lady is mentally messing up her son and I don't want him to grow up and be a dysfunctional adult. She is a very bad influence on him and encourages him to do bad things. When he is at our house we do not say anything negative about his mother in front of him and tell him that his mommy loves him. The only option I see is for us to record all the happenings and then once we have substantial evidence then take her to court. He even had to resort to install a camera in the living room with a microphone in it to catch her wild and crazy outbursts. He also got a phone call recording app to catch her calling us obscenities and saying horrible things. I don't know how else his father and I can help him other that just ignoring her and raising him the best way we see fit and instilling good morals and values in him. I am a laid back person but I feel like I am going to snap, and I know that's the worst thing I can do. Help please!


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: I just needed to get this out. (Long)

"I feel like I am going to snap"

You may snap, or you may get beaten to a pulp, or stabbed, or shot...

This problem belongs to you only because of your relationship with her ex.

& it'll never, ever get any better;
it'll only get worse until you are in a hospital or the cemetary.

It won't stop until this poor woman is in jail or a hospital, & even then, she'll get out, & she won't take her meds...

For your own safety, you need to get out of this.

Move, change your phone #, delete your fb account, call a police dept and/or a battered woman's shelter for advice on protecting yourself from a stalker.

I'm so sorry, & I wish you the best.


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RE: I just needed to get this out. (Long)

Oh my goodness. If it weren't for a few minor details, I would think that bf's ex and my husband's ex were the same woman.

I'm so sorry to hear you are in this situation. I agree with sylviatexas that it won't get better. But I don't agree if her saying "get out of the situation" means leaving your bf. Your bf's ex would love nothing more than to drive you and your bf apart, and she should not be the person who gets to decide if the two of you are together. A lot does depend on him though. If he has your back, and if he supports you in every way in this, and does not tolerate her behavior in any way, then the two of you have a shot together if you both want it. If he asks you not to hold firm boundaries, to compromise on your safety, ever makes excuses for her, or minimizes what is happening, walk away fast.

It sounds like she has a personality disorder in addition to whatever other mental illness she has. She will not leave you alone, so your best bet is to minimize her access to you, talk to a domestic violence agency about safety plans, and call the police every single time it is warranted. Do not let anything go by. Another important thing to remember is that although you are the operational target, you are not really the target-- your bf is. Sadly, she will hurt you just to hurt your ex. Make no mistake about it. She will hurt you if it is allowed to get that far.

In our situation, my husband made huge strides toward managing the situation by refusing to engage with her anymore. He did not respond to ANY of her drama. If she acted up, he ignored her. If she crossed the line, he called the police. It got a bit worse at first, but when her antics weren't being rewarded with our reactions, it got boring for her and she moved on. It didn't help the kids' relationship with their dad, but at least it stopped the harrassing phone calls and stalker stuff. But, remember, if your bf's ex is not medicated, there is no telling what will or won't work with her. You might have to change all your numbers and relocate, even get a new job. Your bf might as well. And no, breaking up with your bf might not even make it stop, so decide what to do about the relationship on its own merits. Don't let her decide who your bf (or you) can love.

Good luck.


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