Return to the Stepfamily Forum | Post a Follow-Up

 o
I couldn't believe my ears

Posted by momof3_stepof1 (My Page) on
Sat, Feb 18, 12 at 18:44

So last Friday night I was in cleaning the kids' bathroom. SS casually walks in to the bathroom and begins talking to me. I continue to clean and let him talk. He's talking about his step brother at his mom's again. He just seriously hates this kid. I make conversation with him and allow him to vent. I tell him that he really needs to discuss this with his bm. That she needs to know how he feels. I also tell him I feel really sorry for her because she has to live with this evil little brat all the time. I tell him that he really really should talk to his mom. Then he drops a bomb. He says (what we've always known but haven't said around him) that it doesn't matter what he tells him mom at night cause she's not going to remember it by morning anyway because she drinks way too much everyday. My mouth kinda dropped and eyes got big. I stayed very calm and continued cleaning. I let him talk, I threw in a couple questions here and there so he knew I was listening. According to him his step dad also drinks very heavily. He says he's not like old step dad though. Meaning he's not a violent alcoholic just a stupid one. I let him talk quite a bit. He asked me if I ever noticed that his mom's eyes were glassy everytime she dropped him off. I said yes, he said it's not cause she's drunk right then, it's because she's hungover. She always asks us to pick him up pretty early in the day. My guess is so she can then continue to heavily drink.

I made a simple statement that he should NEVER EVER get in any car with ANYONE if they've even had one drink. He said they don't usually go anywhere, they're at home drinking. I said ok good. BUT THEN he said that last year when they went to Florida on their wedding night they drank a bunch then drove and step dad drove 120 mph. He told me that he was really scared that night. I couldn't help my facial expression of jaw dropping, eyes getting big, again.

He then tells me that it's weird how comfortable he is talking to me about this stuff but he's not with his dad. (My dh) I told him that he could tell his dad anything and his dad would never be mad at him. (Of course dh would be upset with bm) He said he's just scared dh will be mad at him. I think me staying calm and getting upset inside but not really showing it drastically helps him. My dh on the other hand would probably blow up.

He then tells me that this is the reason he doesn't like going there often, between the evil step brother and his moms drinking. He knows his grandpa (her dad) died from alcohol abuse. He loves his mom but doesn't like this behaviour.

He very adamently told me he WOULD be with us during his next birthday, next Thanksgiving and next Christmas. He is bored to tears at his step dads family's house, hates the kids there, his mom doesn't pay attention to him anyway..... and he wants to see his relatives. (And by that he's meaning MY family)

All week afterwards he was very lovey with me. Kept coming up to me telling me he missed me (I'd only been gone an hour lol!) and that he loved me and hugging me tight.

He knew he was going to his moms this weekend. Now, she says he called her and told her that he was upset with us and wanted to stay till Monday because they are out of school. Monday is my ds11-12 bday. I refuse to drive a 4 hour round trip after we get off at 6 on his bday. She said he was upset because he didn't get a party for his bday. Ok, my ds doesn't have a party planned. We are taking him out to eat, just like we did ss. So my dh told her that no, she couldn't keep him till Monday. He also told her that we don't do parties and we took him to eat same as everyone else and he had it on video on his phone of them singing to him and him wearing the sombrero. He could send it to her if she'd like. He also said that we didn't think we had to do much because she had him the weekend of his bday and she promised him the game truck with tons of video games in it and then she didn't bother to get it and he was upset when he came home.... so we made up for it. She immedietly just said she thinks he just wants attention from his dad. OMG!!!!!! For Christ's sake, he spends every possible hour with the kid doing everything for him and she sees him two days a month and refuses to go to his sporting events (she refused again Friday). I've checked his phone. Plus he told me that she doesn't call him, he has to call her. She doesn't text him..... and when they do talk, it's like a 3 min conversation. He also said she slurs her words talking to him at night cause she's drunk and he knows it.

Anyone think he's playing us, or she is? I've had so many in depth conversations with him that I don't start that I find it hard to believe her. My heart hurts thinking he's playing me. I really believe it's her. What do you think?

Oh.... and she's FINALLY garnished for her support now. BUT I've gotten collection calls from the orthodontist cause she hasn't bothered to pay at all yet. DH mentioned this Friday night and she rolled her eyes and said she'll pay it. We will see. (SS has head gear now, if she doesn't make him wear it I'm ringing her neck!)


Follow-Up Postings:

 o
RE: I couldn't believe my ears

Only you can know the answer, as only you know both of them. You could ask yourself what SS would have to gain from 'playing you' and then what would BM have to gain?

Based only on what you've said above (and reading all your previous postings) I think it's possible it could be BM. For example, SS knows there is no party. He knows family dinners are what your family does for ALL the children. Another example is her saying that 'he needs attention from Dad'. You know in reality that if Dad is not working Dad is spending time with you and the kids.

The one who does not KNOW what is happening in your house and/or how things like parties are done is BM. You know what she claimed to DH is silly, but she does not know that. The knowledge/lack of knowledge might be your key to your answer as to who is 'playing'.

SS might be whining about a big wonderful birthday party for your son to his BM in an attempt to play her guilt so she will buy or do something for him. She did not deliver when she had promised him for his birthday, perhaps kid is trying to make her think no one at your house does anything for him but just the other kids 'boo-hoo, BM, feel sorry for me and buy me something'. 'Boo-hoo, BM, Dad does everything with the other kids but not ME'. Maybe he's 'playing' her !

Another thought is could she be trying to put off bringing him home on a drinking day (Sunday) vs a working day for her (I'll assume she works Monday)...in other words, she can't drink all day with her husband and drive SS around drunk or merely having to drive SS around interfers with her plans of wanting to spend the day drinking. Perhaps SS spending staying over an extra day has nothing to do with SS's desires but rather trying to rearrange her weekend to suit her own agenda of selfishly drinking her Sunday away?

DH needs to make clear to BM that he will not tolerate her drinking and driving son. If she wants to drink herself to death, that's her problem, but if her drinking is involved at any time during transport of SS it puts SS at danger.


 o
RE: I couldn't believe my ears

You're right jmt, I think that's probably what he's doing. Him telling us that his mom is an alcoholic isn't going to get him something, it's just him venting. So I think you are right.

You also may be right about the Sunday drinking thing. Especially because RIGHT NOW she is refusing to answer my dh about what time we are getting him back today. She's not answering the phone or text at all. She could easily still be passed out but I'm deeply concerned. SS didn't take his phone with him this weekend.

DH really needs to tell bm that drinking and driving are strictly off limits but all she's going to do is deny it. She denys it when she's slurring her words.


 o
RE: I couldn't believe my ears

The drinking and driving thing has got me bothered more than anything else here. What can you do to protect this kid from them taking him in the car drunk? Ugh. What an awful situation. It's like you are powerless to protect him unless something horrible does happen. Just that his mother would drive drunk or allow him to ride in the car with a drunk driver is disgusting. I'm so sorry.

~Cat


 o Post a Follow-Up

Please Note: Only registered members are able to post messages to this forum.

    If you are a member, please log in.

    If you aren't yet a member, join now!


Return to the Stepfamily Forum

Information about Posting

  • You must be logged in to post a message. Once you are logged in, a posting window will appear at the bottom of the messages. If you are not a member, please register for an account.
  • Posting is a two-step process. Once you have composed your message, you will be taken to the preview page. You will then have a chance to review your post, make changes and upload photos.
  • After posting your message, you may need to refresh the forum page in order to see it.
  • Before posting copyrighted material, please read about Copyright and Fair Use.
  • We have a strict no-advertising policy!
  • If you would like to practice posting or uploading photos, please visit our Test forum.
  • If you need assistance, please Contact Us and we will be happy to help.


Learn more about in-text links on this page here