New stepmother to estranged adult children - need advise and help

12 years ago

I need some help. I have been with my husband for 8 years now. In the beginning it was just me and my two girls and grandchildren; however, now a son has surfaced that my husband gave up his rights to years ago. I have so many mixed feelings inside and feel like a horrible person for feeling this way. First of all I would also like to say that I was pregnant with his child and he wasn�t happy about it and suggested maybe even abortion back then. He claims the reason he did was because of our age. But, for some reason, when I hear of this boy contacting him, it reverts back to him not wanting a child with me. Truthfully, he was probably right, we were both in our later 30s at the time�

I feel resentment inside and wish the boy wouldn�t have resurfaced. However; my husband wants a relationship with him and he does with him as well. Of course I am feeling sorry for the father who raised him all these years and supported him financially as well.

I need some help on how to be a good stepmother to an adult child. I wasn�t expecting to be in this position when I married my husband, but now it seems I really don�t have a choice or I will end up losing my marriage, not to mention taking away a dad to my 12-year-old daughter who has been her stepdad for 8 years.

I should say, he gave up his rights, as he got behind in child support so bad, that he felt he had no choice back then. His ex and her husband raised both his biological sons for 20 years.

Any advise from stepchildren or stepparents would be appreciated. I don�t want to be the evil "Stepmom" . This is hard on my daughter as well having the conflict between me and my husband. I want her to be in a happy home.

Comments (5)

gardenandcats
12 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Give the son a chance.You don't know him.They want to get to know each other then they should be given the chance..Life is always full of the unexpected.So you didn't expect a grown son in the picture..Now you have one.
Whats so wrong about this grown son? Does he treat you badly? Is he rude or mean to you? Is he taking time away from you and your daughter to spend time with him?
You just might find that hes not so bad after all!
myfampg
12 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I think the fact that your husband not wanting a child with you and not raising the children he had, go hand in hand. He apparently never wanted kids to begin with but fact is there is two children (adults) that do exist and aren't going to disappear. Well they might. Who knows.

As a child of a man that never helped raise me, I found it hurtful when his wife's (plural yes) were awkward or found my presence uncomfortable. Maybe they knew about me maybe they didn't but that wasn't my fault it was his for not being a man and a father. I tried to have a relationship with my dad after years of no contact and it didn't work for many reasons. Not because his current wife was unaccepting but because she was too pushy and wanted to be mom and grandma over night to a family that already had a mom and grandma. If you husband wants a relationship with his childrEn just let him. You don't have to be a part of that you can let him go and get to know his son. I know my brother's problem was that the wife always wanted to be right in the middle and granted she did know our dad longer than we did, it would have been nice if we could have built a relationship with him and let him make up for his lost time with us instead of it being 'we're a packaged deal - you Either see us both or not at all' and that just killed the feelings we had for getting to know our biological dad.

I hope that gives you at least one point of view.
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Thanks to all who have shared on this thread. I too am an estranged mother from an adult son. I used to be the one saying to other estranged parents that they must have done something wrong to deserve it. No child would ever willingly want to cut off good, caring, loving parents. Then, it happened to me and I was in shock and disbelief because I am always the one OTHER people turned to for help with their children. I am a therapist, after all, and I know about interpersonal relationships - right? I spent my whole life teaching others "how to do it correctly and in a healthy way"! How shocking and shameful it was when this happened to me! Not me!! How and why could this happen?!? The past five years have been grueling to say the least. I do understand the suicide attempts by some and the difficulty moving forward with life. I read everything I can find from children who have cut off parents to try to figure out what I can do to fix it. I read the comments by those on this thread that tell us what we have done wrong. So, I have apologized repeatedly for anything and everything I have done to make my child hurt. I have repeatedly reached out to him as have multiple family members and his best friend and other friends to try to heal the rift. Every time I reach out, there is some new reason he and his wife are hurt. Some of the things they accuse me of are not true. I know they are not true because they are about how I feel - that I don't really care about them or that I don't really love them or I behaved in a certain way because I wanted to disrespect them. I can honestly say that all I want from them or anyone is to have a nice time and to love each other. They misinterpret everything I do. I still apologize but only I know how I really feel and what my true intentions were. They can't tell me that. Still, I apologize. Finally, my husband and adult daughter and other son told me to stop apologizing. They said it was making it worse and not better. They saw my pain and desperation and helplessness and it was destroying them. So, they told me to stop because they could not take the pain. So, I stopped. With regard to what CJH Design wrote about gravitating toward pleasure and away from pain, I will say this. My parents have not been easy to deal with. They are controlling and focus only on themselves. I am expected to do everything for them and they still complain. No matter how much I do, it has never been good enough and they always expect more. I have tried and tried to make them happy and I have become a major people pleaser and caregiver in my life, sacrificing everything for the wellbeing of others and especially my family. My father is older and my mother has died. I take care of him every day and it is very difficult because of how critical he is. It is not pleasant to be around him most days but I still do it. I don't do it because it is pleasurable. I do it because I love him and that is what love is. It is unselfish and it is giving, even when it is not easy or pleasant. I also remember how many times I did this for my children when they were difficult to deal with and it was not at all pleasant to care for them, give up dreams that I had, deal with the pain of their behaviors, and work full time to support them. I could have left them and gone out for more pleasurable times when I was young like some parents do instead of hanging in there, parenting when it was very difficult and certainly not fun to deal with temper tantrums, snot, sickness, and endless needs. Not fun at all. Parenting is the most difficult job on the planet and it takes a dedication to stick with it and not run from it toward a life of fun and pleasure. I believe that being unselfish and giving to others is an important value and I try to do it in my life. I also have empathy and compassion for my father because of what he has been through in his life, which I won't go into because it would take all day. I would never dream of cutting him off. My heart hurts too much when I think about the pain it would cause him. I could never do that to him, no matter how he treats me. He does not have to be pleasant all the time for me to be around him, care for him, and stay with him. I think that is what love is really. Another example: In my work I go into jails to help people in trouble with the law. I hate being locked in when I go to jails because I have a phobia. I get paid very little and the courts are not nice to me. It is definitely not pleasant. I don't do it for the pleasure or money. I do it because I want to try to help and because I believe that doing things that are right is not always easy. 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I paid for his degree, paid for him to travel all over the world, and paid for several cars, and for anything else he needed ever. He now has a good job and is making far more than I ever did. I had to work several jobs to give him what he needed. He does not need my money now but the rift did seem to be about money as far as I can tell. Here is what I have decided I need to do to find meaning in life: I am going to use the money I earn and have to give to others in the world who don't have anything. I am going to travel with organizations that help others and use my money to help them. I am going to give of myself also, because that is more important than just giving money. I am going to try to improve the things for other people around the world who have far less than any of us. That is going to give me meaning and purpose and is something that I always wanted to do when I was raising my children. My daughter has indicated that she wants to do this with me and she shares in the vision. It gives me so much joy and pride to have her with me on this journey. I hope that some day my son will come back and have a relationship with me and with his family. His sister and brother are very angry with him and he does have a spouse that encouraged the cut-off from us. I hope that we can heal eventually but I am not sure if he even values his family at this point. What I have learned is that it is his decision and I must let him figure out his own life and not expect him to be there for me. I can accept this now and I am starting to have some peace so I must be on the right track. Life is a struggle and we all need to work to figure out what we are supposed to learn about ourselves. What you all have written in this thread has helped me a lot to continue figure things out myself.
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I want to bring up something that no one probably wants to consider, but should be considered, considering it is a reality with the elderly and the handicapped. Note: I am not implying anything...but if she is so resentful of you, and she is cold and indifferent to your sister, how do you think she treats your sister when no one is around? Is you sister able to communicate with you? The small gifts may be given to make your step mother look good in your fathers eyes. They may be to cover guilt. Or they may be perfectly innocent and come with good and kind intentions. I don't know, but consider all possibilities. My guess is that she adores your father, but resents the burden of your sister. And perhaps she is deeply bitter and resents your happy carefree life, while she struggles with the hard reality of caring for a totally dependant person, who is not her own offspring. (It is hard enough when it is your own child/sibling whom you love dearly, let alone when it is the enormous burden of being the caretaker for someone you do not love, but resent. Possibly even despise. She must wish that she was free as you are to enjoy her life and husband as you do with yours, without all of the responsibilities. A marriage with just your dad, able to go out to dinner alone together on a whim, enjoying a social life on a whim with friends, travel, hobbies/interests, and having her home all to herself whenever she wants. That is probably where the resentment and bitterness comes from. Perhaps she feels that you should be the full time caretaker of your beloved sister, (even though that may not be possible right now) and that she wishes that she and your dad had the carefree life of a normal marriage. Even when you are able to care for your sister one day, I would not expect her feelings towards you and your sister to change. As you read the step parent forum, you will find so many who describe their husband as wonderful. They adore their new spouse "BUT" hate his children. This seems to particularly true when the new wife gets pregnant with "their" child. The new wife then wants to push his children out of her "nest", and resents everything about them. (Read the forum). It sounds as if she wishes she had your dad all to herself...only you and your sister do exist, and she resents it. Like so many women on this forum, they are marrying a man that "first belonged" to another family with children. They want to pluck him out of his role as a father, move him to her nest and make him a father to her own children, and push his children further and further away, until she finially has him all to herself...hurting his chilren in the process. This she actually does to the man she professes to love. Anyway, you sound like an incredibly kind and loving person. And forgiving. Understand that her feelings towards you are probably not personal...but instead it sounds as though she is not the kind of woman who is able to embrace another womans children as her own, even if they did not come with the caretaking your sister needs. All you can do is help her and your dad in any way you can. I wish the best for you.
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imamommy
12 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I would use the term "dad" and "stepmom" loosely in this circumstance. They are biologically related to your husband but they were raised (& supported) by someone else. It sounds like he had very little to do with raising them and getting out of his financial obligation was more important than having a relationship with his children. I'm not sure what kind of "relationship" this adult son really wants with your husband? Maybe curiosity to find out why he didn't stick around? I have a hard time imagining he wants to do father/son things.

My suggestion would be for you to back away & let your husband have room to build whatever kind of relationship he wants... I don't get the feeling he is going to put much effort or energy into it, if I'm judging on past behavior. However, it is more like a long lost relative and most likely will want to get together & "catch up" or see what the other has been doing all these years, When you have to be around him, well treat him like you would with anyone else.. hospitable and pleasant. Bonding & deep feelings may take a long time to form depending on what each of them really wants.

Biologically, they are father & son. That doesn't instantly create a relationship, especially one that you might need to worry about.
justmetoo
12 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I'm seeing two different issues 1) you resent your husband talking/suggesting aborting a child 2) you can't separate what he did 2 plus yrs ago compared to 8 yrs old. And now he wants a 2nd chance at what he 'blew off' 20 yrs ago.

I actually suggest counseling to deal with your feelings of 8 yrs ago. You have to come to grips that one has little to do with the other. Of course, easier said than done. 20 yrs ago I'll assume your husband was young, stupid, selfish and irresponsible. A living breathing child of that era has contacted him and wants to see what his 'bio-dad' is all about.

The son is not looking for a 'daddy', he's all grown up and he had a 'daddy' all those yrs who loved and cared for him (just not his bio-father). The idea of this son getting to know his bio-dad, perhaps spending a bit of time, should not threaten your husband's relationship with you and/or your kids. Why would the son interupt what your husband and you/kids have built for a family? It's two different things.

Just as the son does not need a 'daddy' he does not need a 'mommy' either. You don't have to be stepmom of the year nor evil stepmom. You're the son's bio-father's new wife, really nothing more to this son. Why would you want to make the son feel like you must be the evil stepmom?

If your husband for example decided to have dinner with the son: three things can happen 1) husband, you and son meet for dinner 2) you decide to stay home and allow the father/son time to discover each other 3) you toss a fit, insist your feelings are hurt and that this somehow endangers your current relationship with between husband and you.

Why feel sorry about the 'daddy' who did raise and support the son? The gentleman does not need your pity. Obviously the guy raised the child into an adult out of love. The guy/son's relationship and bonds are totally different than whatever happens between the son and your husband. The son is curious of who the man who 'made' him is, what happened, why, blah blah. It's a natural curiousity. Who knows what will happen? Maybe the son will decide your husband is a jerk and want little more to do with him after a bit of getting to know him. Maybe son and bio-father will instead have an adult man to man relationship and grow to respect each other. They'll never know if you hold them back from trying. If you hold them back, both perhaps will always resent your 'issues' with the fact the son exist.

You can't wave a magic wand and wish the son away. There should be no reason this son comes in and threatens whatever life your husband and you have built together over the last 8 yrs. One has little to do with the other. This is something between the son and your husband. A relationship may work out, it may not. Unless this son is stating he's moving in with you your life should pretty much go on as it is now. The only difference would be that now that life might occassionally include the presence of an adult son.

Is there more to the son like perhaps drug/illegal issues that he may be bringing to the table? Has the son given any indication that he resents you/your kids? That he intends to come into your life and be mean and nasty rather than simply curious and wanting a chance to know who your family is?

I'm not trying to downplay what happened 8 yrs ago nor your feelings over having/not having children, just saying that if your husband is dead serious about getting to know the now man he walked away from 20 some yrs ago and you really are having a hard time with it, perhaps some counseling to sort out what/how/why you feel may be benefical. It may also help your husband understand your feelings and hesitancy. That it's not about the actual living breathing person (the son) that it goes deeper for you.
readinglady
12 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I don't see how the presence of an adult biological son takes away from your daughter's relationship with her dad, but I can see your fears impacting her. Even a few sessions with a counselor may assist you in resolving your own issues so that you can approach this situation in a healthy way.

I agree with previous posters that you don't have to take on any sort of step-mother role. All you need to be in any encounter is congenial and polite, as you would be with any new acquaintance. Only time will tell how the relationship will develop, but even then it rests with your husband and his son, not with you.

Carol

New stepmother to estranged adult children - need advise and help

Comments (5)

gardenandcats

myfampg

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