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BM advice for meeting the stepmom...

Posted by norcalgirl78 (My Page) on
Mon, Feb 2, 09 at 17:32

...found this video and thought it was interesting. The bias is clear - wondering what others thought, or maybe it's just good for a smile.

http://www.firstwivesworld.com/resources/debbie-nigro/debbie-does-divorce/debbie-does-divorce-first-conversation-step-mom-3-topics-


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: BM advice for meeting the stepmom...

I thought it was pretty good --

Now the video was directed to BioMoms, so NorCal, I guess you feel it is biased toward their interests?
Do you think it was biased against StepMoms in any way?


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RE: BM advice for meeting the stepmom...

Norcal, It was BETTER than a smile, it was a laugh...Hated Debbie and her expert.....Well after all it is called Firstwivesworld....My favorite, the SK doesnt Hate YOU they hate the situation...Oh, no wait that would be me , hating the situation....LOL


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RE: BM advice for meeting the stepmom...

I dont think it was overly biased in any one direction... I did think it was a little much for a bm to tell the sm that she shouldnt spend as much time with the children. Although I understand where she was coming from there is just no way to say that without it coming out as interfering in their relationship... to much turbulent ground there.


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RE: BM advice for meeting the stepmom...

I thought the video was designed for BM's to get tips with the dynamics of their children spending time with their dads and SM's. So a bias was there but it's ok. As a SM I thought it was useful to hear the BM perpective of how skids should be handled. Wish this was available years ago. As a SM I agree with a lot of what Debbie and her expert said. For me, it was mistake acting like a thrid parent too early with SS who was a teen at the time. Also, later a mistake acting like a grandparent to his first son too early. Taking it slow is a good idea.


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RE: BM advice for meeting the stepmom...

The bias is there of course, the title alone firstwives...etc..etc..
Its was good all in all and going slow as advice is good as well.
I did alot of what this person said. Made sure i 'ld work on weekends when he picked up his kids so they can have alone time for the majority of the day and then in the late afternoon and night i would come home. There were times when the eldest, sd, would ask for them to go to the park , just the three of them...and my husband would get insulted..and i would tell hiim , no go alone with them..i dont mind, i'll get started early on lunch or dinner etec..etc.. (my weekend work was not always full days) and there were times i just wanted to be alone as well...so i would tune out, close the bedroom door and listen to my music...and sd would get offended until my dh said to her we all need alone time...just liek when you asked me to go to the park without her. She put her head down and i told her don't feel sad. We all need different times...its not that i dont want you in my life, i just want my time. just like you wanted you time with your dad...
So...the relationship with my skids is not a bad one at all...bm on the other hand is non existant. SHe throws away homework if she finds out i 've helped them...now they do not bring any home anymore here..its been well over a year ...i guess they do it on a sunday night...but that is not my fault...thats' bm andit on her shoulders.
Besides..after seeing the type of person she is and what she says to her kids, i really do not want contact with this person..i know she loves her kids but i want nothign to do with her...SHe's negative, lying, manipulative..i can go on...But any human who is like that is poison! and i want nothign to do withthem. Good luck to the kids for haivng such a mother...they are starting ot realize what she is..thank God they have their friends and grandparents up there.


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RE: BM advice for meeting the stepmom...

I know how lucky I am, having a kind and reasonable SM for my DS. And the only real problems she and I encountered were with her stepping in to far too quickly, in our case, with DS's school and medical issues. And fortunately, we've been able to get past those now...


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RE: BM advice for meeting the stepmom...

"Posted by dotz (My Page) on Mon, Feb 2, 09 at 18:15

Norcal, It was BETTER than a smile, it was a laugh...Hated Debbie and her expert.....Well after all it is called Firstwivesworld....My favorite, the SK doesnt Hate YOU they hate the situation...Oh, no wait that would be me , hating the situation....LOL
"

Dotz -- actully I thought that was being kind. Many kids want their parents back togethor, and resent SM, no matter who she is.


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RE: BM advice for meeting the stepmom...

Yeah - I'm also wondering why that statement is so funny / outrageous / offensive -- whatever it is.

I mean, how often do we hear that the kids really liked future SM until it became clear that she was actually going to BE SM?

That tells me it's the JOB, not so much the person in it.
Though of course, the wrong person can be awful, no matter how nice the kids try to be --
and even the best SM can fail if the kids are determined to be little monsters.


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RE: BM advice for meeting the stepmom...

The reason I hate these well intentioned videos, is that they never apply to me...Perfectly said Sweeby, if you are dealing with a reasonable person, which I most certainly am not...For the record, one SS likes me, a lot...One does not, a lot....Reason being, one drinks the poison, one does not....The situation I dont like is no matter what I do, or dont do, I will never be acceptable to one SS....Took things as slow as molasses, never forced myself, my views, or tried to mother these two, by any means..Was friendly, considerate, told DH anytime he wanted to spend without me in their company was fine...The laughable part is allowing a morally bankrupt person give ME advice on how to interact with her child...No thanks, think I m better off going it alone......


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RE: BM advice for meeting the stepmom...

Ahhh --
So it was the idea that BioMom would give the helpful advice to StepMom,
not that the 'take it slow' advice itself was bad.


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helpful advice from Bio

Yes, thats it.. rushing in, that never happened..There is no way I could, or would take advice from a person that would not have her childrens best interest at heart...Its all about her, not them...Yes, of course it would be to the SSs advantage for everyone to get along, I ve seen that up close and personal when she causes a conflict in front of them, and the rage gets directed to me, not her....


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RE: BM advice for meeting the stepmom...

I guess I just was surprised, since part of my academic background is in psychology, and I currently work in broadcasting and have a lot of exposure to journalistic principles, that the expert did not try to give the appearance of objectivity. The expert (presumably a professional) seemed almost to be projecting her own experiences on her advice (I am just guessing here). Also did you notice where she slipped, talking about pickups/dropoffs of the kids when she said "your husband" when she probably really meant to say your ex-husband? She was not very positive overall and a few times even talked through her teeth. The hostess made a joke about asking in an intimidating tough voice where SM was from. This is more funny than anything else - I am not being a serious critic here - just thought it was interesting.

Those things said, it was worth a watch. I have found many times in life that where you stand depends on where you are sitting. I am a daughter, a stepdaughter, a potential stepmom and second wife, possibly someday a mom, possibly someday an ex-wife (let's hope not!).


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RE: BM advice for meeting the stepmom...

taking it slow is always a good advice in any situation. the only time it is a bad advice when there is a fire and you need to leave the building. ha In all other ones take it slow is the best advice there is.

BTW my DD's SM asked me advice how to interact wiht DD and what role to play. DD is grown but it was still appreciated that she asked the person who parented DD. I understood (from mine and hers conversation) that she also asked X the same question.

But of course if mom and dad do not get along or don't even talk to each other, it is difficult for SM to ask any questions to BM.

But i think it is just common sense to not jump in and mendle, but take it slow.


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