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BM advice for meeting the stepmom...

15 years ago

...found this video and thought it was interesting. The bias is clear - wondering what others thought, or maybe it's just good for a smile.

http://www.firstwivesworld.com/resources/debbie-nigro/debbie-does-divorce/debbie-does-divorce-first-conversation-step-mom-3-topics-

Comments (13)

sweeby
15 years ago
I thought it was pretty good --

Now the video was directed to BioMoms, so NorCal, I guess you feel it is biased toward their interests?
Do you think it was biased against StepMoms in any way?
dotz_gw
15 years ago
Norcal, It was BETTER than a smile, it was a laugh...Hated Debbie and her expert.....Well after all it is called Firstwivesworld....My favorite, the SK doesnt Hate YOU they hate the situation...Oh, no wait that would be me , hating the situation....LOL
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Oh Pashan ... I am so sorry to hear about you and your daughter. I am so glad that you are feeling better now. Wow ... My SD's response to her friend was that she knows she's different with her mother, but feels she doesn't have a choice. When around her mother, she needs to become who her mother wants her to be, or she gets into trouble. I'm working on those self esteem issues with her, though ... I tell her that she needs to be true to only one person -- HERSELF. That she doesn't have to pretend to be something else just to make anyone else happy, not even her mother. I can't tell you how frustrating it is to have a happy kid one minute then ...ring...ring... it's mommie dearest ... then we have a kid with a stress headache (her words) and whose self confidence has been knocked lower than ant poop. Everything my SD has accomplished goes **poof** for a few hours until she remembers that her mother is 800 miles away and she becomes herself again. And Pashan ... I doubt this woman will ever realize anything is beyond her reach. She's too stupid to get out of her own way ... much less think of what's best for her own kid! Methinks we'll be doing custody battles with her until my SD is old enough to tell her mother "get outta here you nutcase" ... well, maybe not in those words ... but that's how I would say it! LOL! Oh ... and did I mention that my SD observed for herself that her mother is afraid of her new husband? Afraid of him! Some healthy home environment, huh? Hope you get your door put up soon! Sounds like you're back up and working like a tornado with all that painting. Whew! You're making me dizzy ... :-) And yeah ... I know this is the wrong forum .. but how's the new career?
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You need to step back and look at the whole situation. Your H would like nothing more than for his child to have a good, caring mother like you, but the situation is quite sensitive and has so much ramifications from a wrong move. your H probably is quite sensitive when dealing w his xw and does not want to stir the pot up too much. Your presence at the Teacher Parent conference would infer that this is YOUR child, and implies that the other mom does not exist. My daughter while in highschool, did not want my wife, her SM, to come to watch her soccer game. I knew it hurt my wife's feeling but we had to respect that. Bonding and relationship take times and history together to develop. Now as she is in college and mature some more, my daughter's attitude toward the SM has improved quite a bit. Had my wife forcefully pushed her way into my children's life (though their BM had died), our family relationship would explode to the point of no return. Guess what, I love my wife but I will not tear my own children's life apart for her own ego to be that "perfect step mom". several years prior to my 2nd marriage, I had dated this beautiful woman who thought my children would love her INSTANTLY because she was simply a nice person and when they did not, she got angry and called them b*tches. That woman then asked me to leave ALL my assets, including those of my 1st wife to her, again because she thought she was a nice person. I left that "nice" woman shortly after that. You seem to have a very generous and good heart, please keep that up. Don't let these little things and bumps in your blended family affect who you really are. Love asks nothing in return. Anger and revenge do not dissolve hatred and discord, but love can. Use your love to dissolve hatred and anger out there. You love your ss just like you love any other god's creatures. Just be patient, take a little step along the way. Lower your expectations, then everything you get is BONUS. Hopefully, one day you will have children of your own and then you can experience FULLY as a BIO MOM.
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mom_of_4
15 years ago
I dont think it was overly biased in any one direction... I did think it was a little much for a bm to tell the sm that she shouldnt spend as much time with the children. Although I understand where she was coming from there is just no way to say that without it coming out as interfering in their relationship... to much turbulent ground there.
lamom
15 years ago
I thought the video was designed for BM's to get tips with the dynamics of their children spending time with their dads and SM's. So a bias was there but it's ok. As a SM I thought it was useful to hear the BM perpective of how skids should be handled. Wish this was available years ago. As a SM I agree with a lot of what Debbie and her expert said. For me, it was mistake acting like a thrid parent too early with SS who was a teen at the time. Also, later a mistake acting like a grandparent to his first son too early. Taking it slow is a good idea.
organic_maria
15 years ago
The bias is there of course, the title alone firstwives...etc..etc..
Its was good all in all and going slow as advice is good as well.
I did alot of what this person said. Made sure i 'ld work on weekends when he picked up his kids so they can have alone time for the majority of the day and then in the late afternoon and night i would come home. There were times when the eldest, sd, would ask for them to go to the park , just the three of them...and my husband would get insulted..and i would tell hiim , no go alone with them..i dont mind, i'll get started early on lunch or dinner etec..etc.. (my weekend work was not always full days) and there were times i just wanted to be alone as well...so i would tune out, close the bedroom door and listen to my music...and sd would get offended until my dh said to her we all need alone time...just liek when you asked me to go to the park without her. She put her head down and i told her don't feel sad. We all need different times...its not that i dont want you in my life, i just want my time. just like you wanted you time with your dad...
So...the relationship with my skids is not a bad one at all...bm on the other hand is non existant. SHe throws away homework if she finds out i 've helped them...now they do not bring any home anymore here..its been well over a year ...i guess they do it on a sunday night...but that is not my fault...thats' bm andit on her shoulders.
Besides..after seeing the type of person she is and what she says to her kids, i really do not want contact with this person..i know she loves her kids but i want nothign to do with her...SHe's negative, lying, manipulative..i can go on...But any human who is like that is poison! and i want nothign to do withthem. Good luck to the kids for haivng such a mother...they are starting ot realize what she is..thank God they have their friends and grandparents up there.
sweeby
15 years ago
I know how lucky I am, having a kind and reasonable SM for my DS. And the only real problems she and I encountered were with her stepping in to far too quickly, in our case, with DS's school and medical issues. And fortunately, we've been able to get past those now...
kkny
15 years ago
"Posted by dotz (My Page) on Mon, Feb 2, 09 at 18:15

Norcal, It was BETTER than a smile, it was a laugh...Hated Debbie and her expert.....Well after all it is called Firstwivesworld....My favorite, the SK doesnt Hate YOU they hate the situation...Oh, no wait that would be me , hating the situation....LOL
"

Dotz -- actully I thought that was being kind. Many kids want their parents back togethor, and resent SM, no matter who she is.
sweeby
15 years ago
Yeah - I'm also wondering why that statement is so funny / outrageous / offensive -- whatever it is.

I mean, how often do we hear that the kids really liked future SM until it became clear that she was actually going to BE SM?

That tells me it's the JOB, not so much the person in it.
Though of course, the wrong person can be awful, no matter how nice the kids try to be --
and even the best SM can fail if the kids are determined to be little monsters.
dotz_gw
15 years ago
The reason I hate these well intentioned videos, is that they never apply to me...Perfectly said Sweeby, if you are dealing with a reasonable person, which I most certainly am not...For the record, one SS likes me, a lot...One does not, a lot....Reason being, one drinks the poison, one does not....The situation I dont like is no matter what I do, or dont do, I will never be acceptable to one SS....Took things as slow as molasses, never forced myself, my views, or tried to mother these two, by any means..Was friendly, considerate, told DH anytime he wanted to spend without me in their company was fine...The laughable part is allowing a morally bankrupt person give ME advice on how to interact with her child...No thanks, think I m better off going it alone......
sweeby
15 years ago
Ahhh --
So it was the idea that BioMom would give the helpful advice to StepMom,
not that the 'take it slow' advice itself was bad.
dotz_gw
15 years ago
Yes, thats it.. rushing in, that never happened..There is no way I could, or would take advice from a person that would not have her childrens best interest at heart...Its all about her, not them...Yes, of course it would be to the SSs advantage for everyone to get along, I ve seen that up close and personal when she causes a conflict in front of them, and the rage gets directed to me, not her....
norcalgirl78
Original Author
15 years ago
I guess I just was surprised, since part of my academic background is in psychology, and I currently work in broadcasting and have a lot of exposure to journalistic principles, that the expert did not try to give the appearance of objectivity. The expert (presumably a professional) seemed almost to be projecting her own experiences on her advice (I am just guessing here). Also did you notice where she slipped, talking about pickups/dropoffs of the kids when she said "your husband" when she probably really meant to say your ex-husband? She was not very positive overall and a few times even talked through her teeth. The hostess made a joke about asking in an intimidating tough voice where SM was from. This is more funny than anything else - I am not being a serious critic here - just thought it was interesting.

Those things said, it was worth a watch. I have found many times in life that where you stand depends on where you are sitting. I am a daughter, a stepdaughter, a potential stepmom and second wife, possibly someday a mom, possibly someday an ex-wife (let's hope not!).
finedreams
15 years ago
taking it slow is always a good advice in any situation. the only time it is a bad advice when there is a fire and you need to leave the building. ha In all other ones take it slow is the best advice there is.

BTW my DD's SM asked me advice how to interact wiht DD and what role to play. DD is grown but it was still appreciated that she asked the person who parented DD. I understood (from mine and hers conversation) that she also asked X the same question.

But of course if mom and dad do not get along or don't even talk to each other, it is difficult for SM to ask any questions to BM.

But i think it is just common sense to not jump in and mendle, but take it slow.

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