Return to the Stepfamily Forum | Post a Follow-Up

 o
Is SO lying? (sorry, long...)

Posted by finedreams (My Page) on
Fri, Feb 15, 08 at 15:33

OK, something is fishy or I am paranoid. I think SO is lying, no, not a cheating story, it is related to his kids.

To give a background:

SO's two grown daughters (26, 19) are rather spoiled and are pretty much running his life. He admits that and knows it. I do feel, especially lately, that he chooses them over me most of the time. I mean i am a very involved mother but I do not always choose DD over evryone else. If I made plans with other people but DD changed hers, i do not cancel on other people to apease DD. DD also doesn't make personal decisions for me. A different story with SO. He cancells plans, changes plans, ruins plans: all to accommmodate SDs (I will call them SDs for convenience).

Older SD is very spoiled and has a very bad relationship with BM, has no friends and is hard to get along. She is the one who says she is getting engaged for the last year and a half, nobody knows who is he and if he even exists.

Anyways, neither his DDs nor my DD live at home, so when they come home we give each other space so we can be with our own children more. But what happens with SD (26) is that she grew up here, went to school here, college and now lives out of state. But she has not one friend here, not one! So she is here every school break (teacher), sits attached to the hip with dad, 24/7. Every time SO says: we won't be attached to the hip, they end up attached to the hip. She needs dad 24/7. I won't hide it that I do feel rejected and am sometimes feeling jealous. And I do not think it is normal to have such attachment. he is always very tired after her visit because he cooks, cleans for her and drives her around and sits next to her.

Anyways lately I made aware for SO that I do feel hurt when he cancels plans with me when SDs change theirs. And I feel hurt because he cannot say "no" to them but thinks it is OK to say "no" to me. I am pretty openm about the fact that I don't think it is fair to me.

Now we don't live together per se. I still keep my place, but spend a week at his house, and then two days at mine. Then a week at his. Long story short when he is on business trips (which is quiet often) i am at my place.

he came two weeks ago from Japan and told me that he goes again on April 20. We always tell each all of our plans so we can put it on a calendar and we both can be on the same page. I go in March to see my DD and I told SO and ask if SD is coming during school break to see him. he said no.

Two days ago I passed by a calendar and on April 20th it says: S. (SD 26) is coming. Huh? If he will be in japan how can she be coming? He never told me she is coming!

Now I think he is lying. Options:
1.I suspect that he was going to tell me he is in Japan but in a meanwhile SD will be with him here and I wouldn't know. If i wouldn't know I would not be able to ask for plans not being changed or whatever else. Since I am unhappy being neglcted he will make sure I don't even know she comes here!

2. SD doesn't want me to be around so instead of telling me and upsetting me he lies to me.

Oh another thing. All of a sudden SO decided he wants to make another bedroom out of office room and talks about buying a new bed. he keeps telling me that I and he need a new bed (no, we don't) so old bed will go to a new bedroom. When I asked him why he needs an extra bedroom (when there are enough bedrooms for guests) he is very vague...
So options # 3 and 4:
3. SD is going to do what she threatened to do long time ago: move in with dad and go get PhD in our state. So he makes a room for her.
4. She finally got engaged and brings him to meet dad but either she or he don't want me around during this visit.
5. SD got engaged but SO isn't telling me (who knows why)

I am probably paranoid, but it all smells fishy to me...So what's going on? It doesn't sound like him to not tell me of SD's visit. Plus what's up with SD coming during exact week when he is supposed to be in Japan for a week!

even if there is some logical explanation, something feels wrong to me...


Follow-Up Postings:

 o
RE: Is SO lying? (sorry, long...)

If something feels wrong, it usually is.

I'm sorry, I don't have much advice. I usually am very direct and would bring up my concerns directly to him.


 o
RE: Is SO lying? (sorry, long...)

I agree with Nivea. Why don't you just ask him?


 o
RE: Is SO lying? (sorry, long...)

Personnally I doubt she is bringing fiance (I even doubt he exists). IMO, either he made plans and then cancelled them, without telling you, when he found out SD was coming, or lied from the getgo. I am not certain which is worse. FYI, my DDs school is out from April 19 to 26 (Passover, lots of Jewish kids and teachers in school). In the end, I suspect he will always put his DD first. If he really beleives they are ruining his life, he should get therapy to help him deal with it. IMHO>


 o
RE: Is SO lying? (sorry, long...)

This is an issue of communication and trust. Either he doesn't trust you enough to tell you the truth and let you know what's going on, or he doesn't feel the need to communicate with you. Either way, he is not respecting your relationship or how any of the possible scenarios will affect you and your relationship with him. Any one of those, if true, will impact you and if he's in a serious relationship, he should at the very least, discuss it with you first.

or he's a wimp that is afraid to tell you... but that's just an excuse. It shows a lack of respect, especially if he outright lied to you and wasn't really going to Japan. Or, his plans changed and he should have told you right away.


 o
RE: Is SO lying? (sorry, long...)

appreciate your replies everybody.

kkny, I know some schools have breaks in April, possibly hers too. Our have breaks in March and DD's college also in March. She wouldn't be coming unless it is school break, but...the fact that he didn't tell.. and all this Japan story...Unless he told me Japan trip is earlier but then again why not tell about SD coming? he wouldn't be able to lie much because when he is in japan he gets a cell phone with Japanese number and that's where I call him or he calls me. It would be tough to lie, plus I always feed his cat when he is gone. But something still is fishy! I wouldn't say they ruining, but runing his life for sure. yes, i told him he needs therapy in regards to SDs and his X. he doesn't think so.

nivea and iammommy and helpwuiththis he is away in Canada now. I will wait when he is here tomorrow. the thing is I accidentally saw about SD coming in his personal calendar which was open right under my nose. i would have to think how to address it so he wouldn't think i am snooping (I am not).

he always says that he thinks children, parents, external stuff, work should not be runing or even damaging people's personal relationship. he always says that and yet his actions prove otherwise. yes, i suspect DDs always will run his life. maybe I should get out now. We always tell each other everything espcially in regards to children so this sounds and looks very wrong to me.


 o
RE: Is SO lying? (sorry, long...)

Sorry I just have to completely say I know exactly how you feel on this.... It makes me want to smack him with a lamp. (Sorry ladies I have PMS.)

"And I feel hurt because he cannot say "no" to them but thinks it is OK to say "no" to me."

On the topic, maybe she's house sitting or taking a break from school for some peace and quiet while he's gone?

Talk to SO, explain to him what you saw on the calendar and ask for an explanation. If all else fails, tell him that you're curious about whether you should bother stopping by to make sure things are ok while he's gone. If SD's there you shouldn't have to. :)


 o
RE: Is SO lying? (sorry, long...)

A few questions (forgive me if you've answered them elsewhere...I'm still pretty new here):

-Approx. how often do the SD's visit?

-How long do they stay, generally?

-Have you ever tried staying at your place while SD's are visiting Dad at his house? (If so, how did that go? Did you feel excluded or was it a welcome break? Was it more your decision or theirs?)

-Is there reason to think that maybe either DH or SD's are acutely aware of your discomfort around SD's/relationship between they and Dad, so they might figure hiding info from you/making plans without your knowledge is easier all around?

If he's lying, I don't condone that by any means. I just know that one of the main reasons people lie --about anything-- is that it feels EASIER to them than whatever the truth entails. If it was me, I'd ask him why he feels the need to lie, what he fears would happen if he told me the truth. You could also ask if there's anything you can do to make it "easier" so that he doesn't have a reason/excuse to lie. Or work out some kind of arrangement or schedule that's mutually satisfactory ---and stick to it--- so that it doesn't become an issue anew, each and every time the SD's visit.


 o
hosue sitting

thanks hecallsmemom for understanding,
no, she wouldn't be house sitting. I watch the house, take his mail, and take care of a cat and such when he is gone, she won't be coming to sit in the house when he is not there. And she lives too far away to fly here when he is not here. he will be here and she is coming and I am not told. It is unusual. yes, i do want to smack him. Sorry. I am just beign rather fed up.

And what is up with the new bedroom. Why? for whom? Why all of a sudden?


 o
RE: one more question

The new bedroom that DH is proposing:

Would this be the first & only guest bedroom in the house? Where do SD's or DD sleep when they visit?


 o
RE: Is SO lying? (sorry, long...)

She's the other woman, & she's going to be there forever.

or maybe you're the other woman, the disguise that makes it possible for these 2 to maintain a "partnership" emotional relationship.

Inappropriate or not, the 2 of them are a unit, & you're the 3rd wheel.

ick.

Find a healthier guy.

or not.

but throw this one back.

ick.


 o
serenity

SD in question is 26 lives out of state, she visits during school breaks, she is a teacher. She doesn't visit too often, to all hionesty, she is not here that often. yes, i stay in my place when she visits. he spends very little time with me (with her together or separate) when SD visits. Usually it works OK because DD visits at the same time as older SD. I want to be alone with DD as well. But DD has her other family and bunch of friends to spend time with and there is no attachement to the hip. SD has nobody else. Ask me why?

It is sometimes welcome break but sometimes I feel excluded. Funny thing is SO wants to be very involved with my DD, helpful, wants to be around etc. He doesn't want me to be as close to SDs. To all fairness SDs are way more difficult than DD and it is not only my opinion but SO's opinion as well. DD is easy going. SDs are not.

To all fairness, SO's words in a moment of confession (pillow type of talk): I like your DD, what a nice girl, she is pleasant to be around. I would suspect you wouldn't want to be around my DDs as much and I don't to you to be hurt by them. When I told him that I am always very nice to SDs and why would they hurt me, he said them hurting me is nothing to do with me but is something to do with them and then he changed the topic.

and there are bunch of rooms. No need for another room unless SD did get engaged and brings the guy and SO doesn't tell me. Actually when there was talk about engagement and how SD wants a bigger diamond so she is gonna wait until her guy will get one, I made a comment that marriage is about commitment not about material possessions and diamonds. Since then SO avoids talking about SD's engagement.


 o
sylvia

I knew you are going to say: get out.lol I do think on ocassion...
the only thing is that they are not here as much, especially the older one. It is not like she is here all the time. But yes I am a third wheel. It does hurt me because I am the mother myself and I never raised a kid this way. I am very close to DD but I don't have this kind of attachement. DD doesn't control neither me nor her dad. what they have is unhealthy.


 o
RE: Is SO lying? (sorry, long...)

Fine, it isn't about how often they are there, it's about how he's treating you regarding it.

and your words "what they have is unhealthy." are so true. Why would you want to be a part of that? Unless you are happy in that situation. It's not going to change. Imagine what it will be like when his daughters get married and start coming around with grandkids. or worse, if they end up divorced and moving back home with kids (after you may be married to their father).


 o
RE: Is SO lying? (sorry, long...)

FD, in the end hopefully SO will get counseling. Because his daughter's dependency on him is not good for her either. I love my DD and would never kick her out, but I think you can also put this to him that it is not fair for her for him to take up all her free time, that he will not be here forever, and she has to find her own life. I think he should gently gently talk to her about her getting counseling to help her move on with her life. If she has no friends, she needs to talk to someone about that. Some people are more solitary, and maybe she doesnt meet many people teaching (although the teachers in my DDs school seem pretty social, they have teacher trips over the holidays, etc.)


 o
RE: Is SO lying? (sorry, long...)

iamommy and kkny,
SD lived in this state and attended school and college here, she moved out of state like 4 years or so. But she somehow did not develop any friendships with anyone here. So when she visits she has no one here so she sits with dad 24/7. I am not a very social person, DD is not either. But not having anyone? I don't know if she has anyone where she lives now, but she has no one here. 12 years of school and 4 years of college here and not one person? She is rather difficult and pretty demanding, maybe that's why.

SO and Sd both need counseling because he is angry at X and in fact he and older SD are bonding on anger toward BM. They feed of each other. After my repeated advice, BF told Sd to not make him listen to compains about BM. It got a little better, but still not perfect.

I don't know iammommy, why i am staying. Things are not bad. He is not bad at all. I am just describing rather vividly what bothers me. Frankly when they are not around, i am fine with him. he often says he himself does not know how to balance kids with personal life. I have been single for 16 eyars and I know how to blance DD and personal life. he does not.

As about younger SD she is spoiled but she has her own life, a lot of activities, she is athletic and is on all kind of teams in college. she also has a lot of GFs. She is incosidered in terms of changing plans but she is not attached to nobody's hip at all. she does not demand 24/7 attention from parents. older SD is the one who seems to have unhealthy attachments.


 o
add to venting

just to add as I am on a venting rampage.

Last summer SD (26) demanded that dad goes just with her on a week long vacation. We just booked our own vacation and he could not really afford additional vacations but she demanded. So she booked expensive hotel (he paid) and stayed with him for almost a week just two of them in the same room. In about two days BF got tired and started asking himself what the h... am I doing here with my grown daughter? It was a romantic hotel, romantic destination, people walked around holding hands, here he is with a woman, few days would be OK a but a week with a grown daughter? Plus he wasn't comfortable in the same hotel room, but he could not afford two rooms. I suspect he won't do this anymore. Oh she demanded he takes her to Bahamas or on a cruise this Christmas, he refused, she was very upset. I love my dad but just two of us on a criuse, romantic vacations, one room? What's up with that?


 o
RE: Is SO lying? (sorry, long...)

I completely understand your strife Fine. Sometimes a good smacking helps, or at least it makes you feel better. >:) My SD spins the same web and wants dad all to herself. It drives me crazy because it's not that she wants to JUST exclude me, she wants me to go away completely and I'm sure that's how your SO's daughter feels. That's how she feels about anyone that's in her father's life. She tries to ruin all relationships, not just romantic relationships either, ALL relationships.

That's not healthy. It sounds to me like she's projecting her failed relationships and that need for companionship off onto her father which don't get me wrong, a vaction is nice, but a romantic vacation? SD needs some help. These are big strings that she's tying daddy with and that could be dangerous further down the road.

I love my dad too, but eww, a romantic vaction for two? Not a chance in Hades. More like deep sea fishing off the gulf of mexico or something like that.

IMO, SD is psycho.


 o
RE: Is SO lying? (sorry, long...)

I think Sylvia may have hit the nail on the head, Finedreams. This arrangement doesn't sound very healthy.

You deserve a guy who is there for you 100% and that you trust. Not one who isn't over how he was done wrong by his ex and who lets his 26 year-old daughter demand expensive and inappropriate vacations that he should be taking you on, not her.


 o
RE: Is SO lying? (sorry, long...)

What about just casually asking when the next time he expects his DD to visit? Or, is DD coming during March Spring Break this year? If he answers anything but "she'll be here on the 20th of April" you know you have a problem . . . time to borrow a lamp from hecalls . . . . :-)


 o
RE: Is SO lying? (sorry, long...)

hahha believe I do have a VERY good lamp, it is a very heavy one. lol

Just to make a point SD has a problem with her mom's BF. SD was upset BM moved in with BF without asking SD's permission. SD lives two hours flight away and what is her business who mom lives with. SD is upset that mom finacially supports her BF. Who cares? Sd is grown and makes enough money. SD made a scene at BM's house around Christmas. came home hysterical and cried on daddy's shoulder. So it is not only dad she is trying to control, it is mom too.

She also tells dad what he doesn't suppose to buy for younger SD (like buying a car or so). Bf says she is jelous. Well duh..And younger SD mentioned recently that dad's fascination with older sister is over the board. What's up with 24/7 attachment, buying expensive gifts non stop and going on vacations with her? Younger SD is right, so i am not the only one who sees it.


 o
RE: Is SO lying? (sorry, long...)

Fine,

Is the new bedroom he's planning away from the other bedrooms, so as to allow more privacy and separate quarters?

In thinking through your dilemma, the new bedroom seems to be a red flag to me that his DD may be planning on moving home to live with him.

I hope it isn't true, but that new bedroom, when one isn't needed for a "guest" makes me wonder.


 o
moving in

SD did said a year ago that she is going to quit her job and go to school for PhD in our state and living with dad. SO told me he does not want to live with his SD and it is not going to happen. But he is reorganizing that room, taking stuff downstairs to basement etc. But why not telling me the reason? It just occured to me that maybe she is either moving in or simply bringing a guy finally so they need a bigger place to stay, but why isn't he telling me?


 o
just remember

I just remember that I told BF that my friend dumped her Bf after he brought his single sister to live with him and they sat together 24/7, so my friend said enough. And when Bf asked me if I would do that, I said if somebody shares a place with family it is fine but if family members are attached 24/7 I will leave a guy. Since then he hasn't been saying anything about SD and just moving stuff back and forth. maybe he got scared that if SD moves in our relationship is over? So he hopes to keep it a secret for longer. I am getting myself wired up and am probably going to get into argument instead of peaceful conversation. I better stop thinking of why he does what he does and just ask.


 o
RE: Is SO lying? (sorry, long...)

"So he hopes to keep it a secret for longer."

This is beyond problematic, it's disgusting.

We've all danced around this, but the word is incest.

Physical or emotional (& it never stays "just emotional", it always progresses), it's a sick sick thing, & it isn't "just her".

No normal man spends a week in a hotel room with a woman he isn't sleeping with, & no normal man would claim to be as innocent or naive as he claims to be about his daughter's behavior.

He knows her attachment to him is abnormal, & he knows exactly why.

Stay with him if you want to be a part of it, but your role isn't partner, it's "enabler".

That poor girl.


 o
RE: Is SO lying? (sorry, long...)

Finedreams,

You started your first post on this "either something is fishy or I am paranoid".

I don't think you are paranoid. I also think something fishy is going on and Sylvia had the guts to put it out there.

I'm sorry.


 o
RE: Is SO lying? (sorry, long...)

First off, I still maintain that you and BF need to have a real heart-to-heart about his honesty. But now moving on to older SD... Just a few points to consider, from my perspective as an SD:

-I agree that the choice of a "romantic" destination for a trip alone together might be iffy. But this is of course presuming that the locale is truly seen/advertised that way and not just a place thay MAY be seen as romantic, i.e. a beach... Lots of people like the beach, not to be "romantic" but just to chill and get some rays... If it's wierd, it's wierd, but bear in mind it *could* just be a relaxing, and totally innocent, vacation.

-The time alone together, relatively isolated, isn't in itself so wierd from a divorced parent & child perspective. The way my Dad and I have always described it is like the difference between "quality" vs. "quantity" because we only see each other for like 2 week-long stretches per year. Because there has been a rupture (the divorce), and then simply the months and miles apart where they DON'T see each other most of the time, it can create a pattern where they simply substitute *concentrated* time together instead of more casual/distant daily contact. I know my Dad and I both are pretty bad at smalltalk on the phone and there isn't really a substitute for the face-to-face contact when you're building & trying to maintain that parent-child bond through all manner of factors that tend to break it up unless the effort is put forth. That said, I've never made any attempts to exclude my Dad's wife from any of this shared time (though she has variously excluded herself and me and made it very clear all through the years that she couldn't tolerate 1 week w/o my Dad's undivided attention).

-The need for closeness, even though SD is "an adult"/"grown woman", doesn't go away just b/c someone reaches a certain age. I mean, sure, people should be able to do basic, pragmatic things for themselves by a certain age, but the closeness on an emotional level ---within reason--- is something parents & children generally want to keep intact indefinitely, even though this undergoes many changes and eventually (hopefully!) becomes more like a friendship than a dependent bond.

-The hotel room. Okay, I can see where many people would find that odd, at least from the outside looking in where they can't be totally sure what the Dad/daughter relationship REALLY is like (especially when they already feel somewhat threatened by it). But I'll say this: I've stayed in close quarters with both my Dad AND my step-Dad, sometimes for up to a week (when it was them visiting me in my old tiny apt, sleeping on the couch with really just a big room divider separating). I've shared hotel rooms (with two separate beds) with my step-dad when he comes to my town on business and stops to visit me... And there just ISN'T that incestuous "overtone" that many people might fear there is. And my mom is always thrilled that he and I have a chance to see each other, and beams over how caring he is to make the time to come see me on these business trips. I guess it really depends on the people involved, but in my case absolutely not, even with my STEP-father, not related by blood. I realize, though, that this same scenario might not be so innocent with everyone, and I can understand why you'd be a bit concerned... But from an insider view, to reassure you somewhat, your situation could just as easily be a Dad and daughter sharing quarters b/c it's a natural "family" thing to share quarters (within limits, of course.)

-Finally, older SD may very well have issues. Maybe she needs help, maybe she doesn't (I'm not there so I won't form a decided opinion)... But just bear in mind that all the separations and perceived barriers that come up between a NCP and their child after a divorce can make it difficult to maintain a relationship in any manner BUT this more concentrated, intense pattern of lots & lots & lots of contact within sporadic bursts. And divorce itself is a major thing affecting people, all around... it may be that her "issues" are mostly all centered around her relationship with her father (anxieties about losing him from her life since the divorce, now that she's an independent adult living miles away, and now that he's got an important woman sharing his life that isn't she or her mother)... maybe she functions fine in her own life at home but you wouldn't really know, would you? For the sake of argument, if she really has psychological problems, I guess that's something she would hopefully deal with on her own. You can't make someone go into therapy and really work at it if they themselves don't see a reason to. You can't *make* somebody else change, no one can do that. If she's really screwed up, hopefully she'll come to the conclusion on her own that she needs some help. But in the meantime, unless you have REAL reason to suspect an incestuous relationship, all YOU can really do is be patient, or disengage for the few times she is there... and overall just let her and the behaviors that irritate you a few weeks out of the year roll off your back... much like you would with that one irritating cousin everybody has, that we always get stuck sitting next to at Thanksgiving dinner. It's finite, you grit your teeth, then it's over and life goes on.

In general, I think that's a good way for us all to look at the conflicts with our irritating SP's or SK's ---at least when ***custody isn't involved*** and the contact is within minimal, bearable amounts--- like the SK or SP is one of those annoying cousins. We don't take the cousin really personally, we don't feel pressured to form some super-close relationship just b/c we're cousins, but also it doesn't generally occur to us to either kick the cousin out of the family nor remove ourselves from it, just b/c of a relatively infrequent annoyance. That's a good goal, anyways, even though we all know it can affect us all so much deeper... just maybe a way to try and minimize the damage and stress on ourselves.


 o
RE: Is SO lying? (sorry, long...)

thanks again.
it turned out that trip was a week before and as about DD coming he thought he told me. well, it might be true, but something still is fishy. She supposedly broke up with a guy she was talking about for years and was supposed to be engaged. well I think there was no guy. now when the "guy" is gone she calls dad daily to complain about mom. Both Dds complain and b...ch about BM causing BF tremendous stress. and where do you i fit in it? no where. I think i am stupid for staying. this is getting worse not better


 o
RE: Is SO lying? (sorry, long...)

More wow ... seems she has a lot of issues with BF's kids


 o
RE: Is SO lying? (sorry, long...)

I think she had, I think she moved on.


 o
RE: Is SO lying? (sorry, long...)

That post is a year old. I think she mentioned splitting up with him because of his drinking?? later....but I could br wrong.


 o
RE: Is SO lying? (sorry, long...)

That's true, but recently she said they got back together and he is no longer drinking... everything is hunky dory! He didn't even need rehab... he just stopped drinking and he's cured. **miracle**


 o
RE: Is SO lying? (sorry, long...)

this is a year old post.


 o
one more

How do you know imamommy what SO did or didn't do? I don't remember discussing rehab here. It is private and I wouldn't discuss it here. This is not a place to discuss such things.

On the other hand I recall you broke up with your FDH because he wouldn't commit. And now you are married. So things change in people's lives, in yours and in mine and hopefully in every one else's. Things sometimes are better sometimes worse. Including my relationships wiht his DDs and my relationship wiht him. But nothing stays the same.

And time, by the way ladies, go on in case you didn't notice it is 02/2009 not 02/2008. hahaha


 o
RE: Is SO lying? (sorry, long...)

Actually FD, you did post about his drinking and breaking up with him because of it. Don't recall 'rehab' specifically, but these days, that's a pretty logical assumption.

No need to go after Ima --


 o
sweeby

I am not going after anything or anyone sweeby. of course I said that I broke up due to his drinking. but then imamommy claims he didn't go to rehab. she does not know my SO, how could she possibly know if he went to rehab or not? i am not even wondering why she cares, but she can't possibly know.


 o
finedreams

I don't care if your SO went to rehab or not. If he did, great! If he didn't, it's NOT my problem!

In a prior thread, I believe I might have said that an alcoholic is always an alcoholic and a drunk that stops drinking but does not seek help (either AA or rehab) is just a 'dry drunk' and from what I recall, you got very defensive... saying he stopped drinking and he's just fine now. I may be mistaken, I'm not afraid to admit I might be wrong. I am not going to waste my time looking for that thread because I really don't care one way or the other. I still believe that without treatment, a person does not change. They might refrain from drinking but they are still a dry drunk. I've dealt with alcoholism in my family all my life.

Leaving a BF because he won't commit and going on to get married isn't 'changing'. I was ready to commit and found someone that wanted what I did. That is not the same as an alcoholic that goes from drinking to not drinking. I don't see that as even remotely the same. But, whatever!


 o
RE: Is SO lying? (sorry, long...)

"I still believe that without treatment, a person does not change. They might refrain from drinking but they are still a dry drunk. I've dealt with alcoholism in my family all my life."

I agree with this absolutely. My mom is (and always will be an alcoholic) and she did have long, sometimes a year, periods of sobriety while I was growing up. But she ALWAYS relapsed. The behaviors don't change or go away. Drinking is a SYMPTOM of the underlying behaviors/issues. It wasn't until my mom started working a 12 step program that she got sober--and has STAYED sober for 7 years.


 o
RE: Is SO lying? (sorry, long...)

"I still believe that without treatment, a person does not change. They might refrain from drinking but they are still a dry drunk. I've dealt with alcoholism in my family all my life."

Ditto...and the same goes for drug addiction. It's a sickness and without support it is all too easy to fall back into habits. J is a recovered addict who still attends meetings as a mentor and he will tell you "You are ALWAYS an addict. The only way to stay sober is to stay very aware of yourself." And IMHO you can't be aware if you think you don't need help. You're really in denial if you are a recovered addict and you think you don't need continued support. The urge to gdet high/drunk never goes away...you just learn to fight it.


 o
RE: Is SO lying? (sorry, long...)

Pseudo, I'm not sure why you're so concerned of late with Finedreams and her posts from many months/years ago. You seem to be making a point that her situation isn't/wasn't as conflict-free as you think she is presenting it to be. But could it also possibly be that maybe her situation has improved, partially because of her discussing it on this forum and bouncing her thoughts off the posters here? I think if we were to all read our own posts in chronological order, I think all (or most of us) would see a trajectory of increasing patience and coping strategies and increased attempts to view our situations from multiple sides. (Incidentally, this answers the question about why some of us who aren't in the majority of what our role is in the stepfamily get something worthwhile out of posting here.)

Okay, so Finedreams has posted about some negative feelings regarding her stepfamily situation. So what? As is pointed out many times when an SP describes very negative feelings toward SKs: "she's just venting, expressing her normal feelings". Why is it okay for some posters to do that and not others?


 o
RE: Is SO lying? (sorry, long...)

My point was.... she wasn't always holier than thou... and when she is trying to stick it to others.... she should remember when she was in the thick of it there was no easy way out ... other than venting.... and working through your own thought process..... You might not find it degrading but when someone posts update to their situation she has to be reminded of every detail in every post but the specifics of a situation really do not matter at that moment the person posting just needs to get it out.

99% of the posters who come here to vent just want to hear .... wow what a b!t(h!, that sucks, I wish I had some advice, good luck ... what helped me was...

You know words of encouragement not be to dragged down to the dirt and then not just kicked but stomped on .... granted some people need a kick in the head to realize there situation will not ever get any better ....


 o
RE: Is SO lying? (sorry, long...)

serenity, the reason they try to dig up old posts of mine is to justify their own wrongdoings in regards to chidlren/stepchildren(kind of like "your SO is this or that so it is OK for me to do XYZ", but one has nothing to do with the other).

I expressed my opinion in one of the threads that when divorced parents (and stepparents are often behind that or at least involved in that) enter power struggle with each other dragging each other to courts etc, they subject their minor children/stepchildren to uneccessary drama and suffering.

iamommy and others didn't like it (I guess it hit the nerve) so they had to find excuses for their and their spouses behavior by pointing out that I had these or those irrelevant problems some time ago. lol It is childish.

People feel defensive and cannot think of anything more than come up with irrelevant stuff.
It is like once imamommy gave me a lecture why my exhusband does this or that. LOL i have been divorced for 17 years and what my exhusband does or doesn't do is not in my control, like I care or like I can divorce him one more time LOL

I think the reason some stepparents feel so defensive is because they know I am right. One of the major reason of their stepchildren being that dificult or being so emotionally disturbed is because of a power struggle between parents/soemtimes stepparents (both parents, not just BMs). They know I am right, but they don't want to admit it so they dig up some stuff out.

My life is not conflict free or perfect of course not. But i raised a well adjusted succesful adult (raised by divorced parents) and I can offer some pointers how to raise children with less drama. Did I ever feel like throwing something at my X's head yes, but did I? No. Not worth traumatize my child. People want drama and power struggle, then they deal with consequences. When I offer my opinion instead of paying attention to someone who did pretty succesful parenting/coparenting, people get defensive .

By the way imamommy said i was a single parent. No I never was. That's incorrect. majority of our divorced time we lived close by and we had 60/40 split. Then later on when we moved further away from each other, our arrangement was 70/30. It did involve travelling and effort but we co-parented so it worked. Now when DD is in college there is no custody of course but her time off is split about 60/40 (60 wiht dad, 40 with me, she lives closer to dad now). So i can offer pointers on dealing wiht exes wihtout drama. But people are welcome not to listen and be defensive. Do i care? no. I do care though about those children...

As about relationship with SO's grown children, it is nice and of course it improved (I do not even have much to post about it because there are no current issues). As about my relationship with him, I do not know where it goes, I like to take things slow, having a man is not my life priority. It's never been and as i am getting older it is even less so.


 o
RE: Is SO lying? (sorry, long...)

FD, if you don't read my posts as you claimed... back when you said my posts are way too long and you don't have time or any interest in what I say.. then why would you refer to me three times in your last post? Why do you care what I say if you don't read my posts? Why do you always seem to respond to what I write? Are you obsessed?

There is a difference between telling you that you have your facts wrong.. which you often do.. and being 'defensive'. If I tell you that you are wrong about something... like when you claimed I am supporting my husband like he is a freeloader bum and I am a desperate sugar mama that needs to take care of him... setting the record straight with the real facts is NOT being defensive.. it's simply telling you that maybe you should know all the facts before you go around making holier than thou condescending statements/insults.

But, then you don't read my posts now do you?


 o
RE: Is SO lying? (sorry, long...)

I sure read your posts now because I am concerned about your SD, I don't like children suffering and offer you my insight how to do things differently so to avoid traumatizing chilren/stepchildren. The way you respond to my advice (defensive and angry) tells me that you are paying attention to my advice and it probably hit the nerve (and I hope it effects your/your DH's choices in your home in reagrds to SD). It does not matter how you feel about me or my posts, I do not care, it is a public forum, but as long as your SD is having less drama in her life I am happy.


 o
RE: Is SO lying? (sorry, long...)

"99% of the posters who come here to vent just want to hear .... wow what a b!t(h!, that sucks, I wish I had some advice, good luck ... what helped me was..."

Actually, I agree with this, and understand it. I know there have been times that this is exactly what I wanted, too, after particularly emotional/upsetting situations I've posted about. But I do think this forum is good about being balanced in that regard. Any given person on here regularly gets a mixture of affirming and critiquing responses. Except when something very obviously tragic and/or happy is announced, and then the forum is really good about giving 100% support at those times.

Yes, it's human nature to want some comforting words and validation when you're upset. Nobody wants to feel like they alone are the sole cause of the problems in their lives, nobody likes the possibility that they're at least partially wrong about something. But it's also important ---especially, as FD points out, when there are kids involved--- to be open to hearing different perspectives on a situation. Because we're all sometimes wrong. Or at least not 100% right. Most often it's just that we're under-aware because we've not lived in the shoes of someone who'd been on the other side. And if we're right, it sometimes helps clarify our own position and how to phrase it if we have to 'debate it' with someone else. Just like how the debate team in high school was good for helping kids refine what their positions on things are, as well as how to express them clearly and convincingly, and to stick with positions even against opposition, unless the opposition proves itself to have superior arguments behind it. Debating is just as much about listening as it is about talking, and the best debaters keep their minds open and flexible.


 o
RE: Is SO lying? (sorry, long...)

FD, don't flatter yourself! If I come off as defensive and angry at your posts, it's NOT because of the validity or truth in them, but the fact that I don't care for your input. You have a right to post and say what you think and I have a right to be irritated by it. That doesn't mean you strike a nerve or are right. Most of the time, you have facts wrong and your 'advice' is not really advice. But, you are entitled to say what you think and so am I. Make no mistake, I am very appreciative of input from others that are going through what I am going through and who have been where I am and have made it out and to a better place. JNM, pseudo, lovehadley, just to name a few that I can relate to very well. Not everyone always agrees with me and there have been times that others have told me I'm off base or my approach might be wrong and have shown me other perspectives I may not have considered... but the difference is it's coming from someone whose opinion I may respect because most of the time, I find their advice/opinions to me and others, sound. With you FD, I find you often get the facts wrong (with me and others) and I don't value your opinion, though you ARE entitled to give it of course. And I am entitled to tell you what I think as well, that doesn't mean I am angry, defensive or that you are striking a nerve and are right. Of course you can think what you want.


 o
RE: Is SO lying? (sorry, long...)

you are right, serenity, sometimes people post about situation and get responces from people who have been in the same situations, but repeated the same mistakes hense got the same negative results. Somehow original poster finds these replies useful (it is comforting to know that others make the same mistakes but it is not helpful in terms of resolving the issue). And then someone else posts about how they did things differently and got positive results. But the original poster instead of listening and maybe considering it (or not), becomes angry and defends their actions (even if their actions repeatedly produce negative results). If one wants only hear opinions excatly the same as theirs, it is fine. But what's the point...


When i posted my concerns on this particular thread (and few others) a year ago, i got all variety of responces from people. And that was my goal to get variety of replies to my questions. If i wouldn't want to get different replies, i wouldn't ask. I didn't become angry that some of them didn't match what i think. so my issues that i asked about get resolved, thanks to those who expressed their opinions.

But some people here post about identical situations a year after year with no change and yet they refuse to listen to different opinions. It is their problem, not mine. But i feel bad for the kids.


 o Post a Follow-Up

Please Note: Only registered members are able to post messages to this forum.

    If you are a member, please log in.

    If you aren't yet a member, join now!


Return to the Stepfamily Forum

Information about Posting

  • You must be logged in to post a message. Once you are logged in, a posting window will appear at the bottom of the messages. If you are not a member, please register for an account.
  • Please review our Rules of Play before posting.
  • Posting is a two-step process. Once you have composed your message, you will be taken to the preview page. You will then have a chance to review your post, make changes and upload photos.
  • After posting your message, you may need to refresh the forum page in order to see it.
  • Before posting copyrighted material, please read about Copyright and Fair Use.
  • We have a strict no-advertising policy!
  • If you would like to practice posting or uploading photos, please visit our Test forum.
  • If you need assistance, please Contact Us and we will be happy to help.


Learn more about in-text links on this page here