Letting go feels good... but still, she has a lot of nerve!

13 years ago

I haven't accompanied DH to pick up SD since around Thanksgiving. I stopped going because I am pretty disgusted at her flaunting her spending in our faces (big Halloween party where she didn't have enough money to transport SD home, etc.) while she hasn't paid her support since she lost her job (she was found to be embezzling while on her maternity leave) so I've stayed away as part of my disengaging. (which is easier said than done sometimes) She's had a few parties, including a huge New Years bash. Good for her. But she owes almost a year in back child support, she has not given DH one penny for SD & won't budge an inch when he wants or needs something... unless of course, there's something in it for her.

Well, last night SD is talking to BM & tells DH that her mom wants to talk to him. I overhear him asking how much farther is it? How long would it take? So, later he tells me that BM is going to a Super Bowl party on Sunday & wants him to drive to where the party is to pick up SD so she doesn't have to leave the party & meet him at her house. The town she'll be in is another 10 miles in the other direction so she's asking him to drive further or take a completely different route, either way it adds over half an hour to his already 6 hour round trip. He told her to text him the address but I didn't hear him say yes. He wants to know where he's going before agreeing to anything which is smart.... although I would have told her to suck eggs on the spot. It's a good thing he's not me, because I know that would only make things worse. lol

As much as I want to ignore it, and really it has nothing to do with me... I am not going so it doesn't have much impact on me, I just think it takes a lot of nerve. She blew off the last two court hearings & has another one on Monday (the 7th) which I doubt she'll come to. She still has a bench warrant that nobody seems to care about and she most likely doesn't even have a license. But, going to a Super Bowl party is a priority... besides the fact that (in my opinion) it's not the best place for kids to be... with people yelling at the screen, cursing, drinking, etc. BUT, I know lots of people have those parties & have their kids around. I'm just not into watching football much so that's not really the point. I'm just irked that she would even ask him to do that for her. She can leave her party, drive SD back to the house on time to get picked up & go back to her party.... I'd feel differently if she ever did anything to make his/SD/our life easier... or pay something toward the support of her daughter. OR BE A MOTHER TO HER DAUGHTER~ Something!

and it really bugs me that I'm even irked. Like I said, it's not MY problem & I have nothing to do with it... except witnessing what she puts SD & DH through with her self-centeredness.

I just needed to vent.

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Comments (16)

parent_of_one
13 years ago
why is he even driving? she pays no CS, she is the one who moved, I think she should be doing all the driving (did judge ordered him to drive???), also is she going to pay back CS? I don't see why DH has to drive extra? There is no way I would drive 6 hours every weekend, I commute 2 hours daily, no way i would drive 6 hours on a weekend and if somebody asked me to drive extra 10 miles? No way. If judge ordered him to drive, well then OK, but judge didn't order extra 10 miles to accommodate parties.

I really think with such distance visitations should be moved to EOW or once a month. It seems unreasoanble. OK, mom doesn't work but dad does. What judge orders working people to drive 6 hours on the weekends??? As crazy as BM is I am impressed she wants SD every weekend with such long distance. Most people have different arrangements. Heck some people wouldn't even bother every month with such distance!

I would also document how she asks him to drive extra and how SD is attending grown up parties and then discuss with a lawyer. This woman is so gross and your DH is too nice.
imamommy
Original Author
13 years ago
"As crazy as BM is I am impressed she wants SD every weekend with such long distance. Most people have different arrangements. Heck some people wouldn't even bother every month with such distance!"

When BM was doing the driving, she would cancel all the time. She now has her mom (in her 70's) drive to pick her up. The split of transporting was an agreement because he was trying to be accommodating to her when she moved. BM kept saying it was temporary, although we didn't know what she meant by that... he wasn't going to babysit SD while she set up her life over there & then let her have SD. But we also assumed things would not last long with the new BF, so we're surprised they're still together... but she still hasn't made much effort to get her DD after almost four years. I agree it's a long drive & he shouldn't have to do it but he also still owes over $5000 to the attorney (we've paid over $12k already) & it would be too expensive to go back to court over a drive that costs him $40 in gas each week.

But, I still don't think he should budge. If he gives her an inch, she'll take a mile!
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Help...how can I let go of these feelings?
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parent_of_one
13 years ago
he shouldn't budge, but he probably knows she is nuts and would make his and SDS's life more difficult.

well BF stays with her because they have a baby, he probably feels guilty that his older kids are not with him full time and he wants to do right by this kid. BM knew what she did when she got pregnant and she probably going to guilt him into marrying her to do right by the child. Crazy.
dotz_gw
13 years ago
Sure , she has a lot of nerve asking for the favor, but I d be more ticked at DH for granting her the favor, if he does........
momof3_stepof1
13 years ago
I'm new to this forum, I've been reading for awhile but this is the first time to post. imamommy, you and I have a lot in common! My husband just got custody of my step son in October. His bm gave him up via text messaging. It's all legal and done. She moved to another state and is about 5 hours away from us. We only have to drive half way to meet her. She has yet to pay a dime in support, supposed to pay weekly beginning January 1 but hasn't bothered to pay anything yet. She is really good at trying to get my husband to do what she wants him to do. If I hadn't been there behind him saying "she cannot move him out of state without your consent" she would've faster then a blink of an eye. This was the first time he EVER stood up to her. I was so proud of him. If she EVER asks him to go there to pick him up or bring him to her over there and he agrees, I will fly off the handle!! I am through pleasing her. Your husband really shouldn't try to please her anymore either. If he has custody and she can't get her then tough. She doesn't get her. The kid will eventually see through the bm.
mattie_gt
13 years ago
Your BM is a very selfish woman with a huge sense of entitlement. Of course you're irked - it would be very irritating watching DH and SD catering to the whims of this woman who just sits there like a queen bee and expects her every wishes to be fulfilled. I'd be irked if DH or SS had friends who took advantage of them in that way, over and over.

BM has a court date the day after her Super Bowl party? Guess she'll be a no-show again. At some point the system is going to catch up with her, I hope.
imamommy
Original Author
13 years ago
DH & I talked about it last night. I reminded him of all the times she has screwed with him & hurt SD in the process... the time she was half an hour away at her mom's house, but didn't tell him. She told him that she would be home late & he said no, she needs to be on time because we have a long drive from her house. She drove back home & was on time, but SD said she was angry & yelling the whole way. That's who it really hurt, SD having to listen to her rant about how her daddy is so uncooperative & unfair, when all mommy had to do is let daddy pick her up from where they were & save everyone a lot of time & driving. That's how unbending BM is. If it meant saving DH some drive time, no way!

Well, he said that he doesn't want to pick up SD from the party but he's going to. As I was telling him how wrong I think that is... how she won't do a thing for him or her DD & now he's accommodating HER??? He quietly sat & listened to me, then asked me "If I force her to bring DD back to her house, how long do you think she'll make me wait in her driveway? I have a long drive & I just want to get her & come home" and he's right. BM would get to her house when she feels good & ready. One time, she was upset & sent SD with BF so when I got there, BM was home but I had to wait for SD to get there with BF.... almost an hour. We know how she is, she doesn't care if her DD gets home at 2am. So, he isn't doing it to please her... and I'm still irked by her even asking, but I kinda understand why he's gonna do it. Like I said, he goes by himself & I will be home, playing with the baby... but, it has crossed my mind to alert the cops to where she'll be. She has a warrant, no license & will probably be drinking.
silversword
13 years ago
Oh Ima, I know that feeling of wanting to make the call. A warrant, no license, drinking and driving with SD???

Now that is child abuse.
shakti2574
13 years ago
Perhaps your DH can stop ENABLING his XW, by saying OK if you cannot be home for the kid than let's skip this week's visit. (this will save him money for gas, esp when gas price is above 3)
momof3_stepof1
13 years ago
I agree, I think he just needs to say SD can't go for the weekend if she cannot cooperate.
imamommy
Original Author
13 years ago
Well, BM's mom picked up SD on Friday from school. This morning (Sunday), BM called DH & told him SD has been throwing up since 3am & has the stomach flu. I guess that put BM's plans out & she was going to be home for DH to pick her up. I made a suggestion that DH let SD stay at BM's until she is no longer sick, since BM is not working & SD can't go to school... he didn't want to ask her so he was still going to bring her home. The last time SD came home with stomach flu, everyone in our house had it for a week & this time, I told him that I was not available to stay home & take care of SD as I have to be out of town on Tuesday, so if she needed to be taken care of, he would have to stay home & take care of her... also, that if she gets DGS2 sick, he won't be allowed at daycare & I will have to stay home with him, which messes up my plans. As far as I'm concerned, BM knew of the risk because her other DD15 and her DS1 was sick with it last weekend apparently. She is the mom, she should nurse her DD back to health, right? If SD can't go to school, there's no reason BM can't take care of her until she's well enough to go back to school. After all, she could have warned DH that they've been sick since she knew everyone in her house has had it the last week or so. Anyway, DH arranged for SD to stay with her, at least until tomorrow/Monday.

Besides the physical discomfort of being sick, it affects us being able to work (=our income) & being a sole proprietor w/no employees at the time, it would force me to close business or my dad (he has a separate business in the same location) would have to run both of them, by himself because right now it's just the two of us. He doesn't need the added burden of me getting sick and/or possibly getting him sick too. As it is, I'm already taking time off because the daycare is closed on weekends & the other grandparents have not picked up DGS for two months... and it's no longer feasible to bring him to work with me, he gets into everything as 2 year old's do.

So, I'm aggravated now with the prospect of dealing with a sick child and/or having the illness brought to us & having it affect our already stressed finances. I'd just like to figure out how to stop being aggravated with everything... and feeling like everything is BM's fault in one way or another. I know that's unreasonable or irrational thinking. But, it's just one thing after another.
silversword
13 years ago
You aren't unreasonable or irrational IMO. You are being very reasonable and rational. If she's not working she should have volunteered to keep SD. And good for you to tell DH you can't stay home. If he doesn't want to ask BM, he should take care of the situation himself.

(((IMA)))
justnotmartha
13 years ago
"I'd just like to figure out how to stop being aggravated with everything... and feeling like everything is BM's fault in one way or another. I know that's unreasonable or irrational thinking. But, it's just one thing after another."

I don't have any solutions for you, Ima, I just want you to know I totally understand how you feel. You aren't alone.

I hope SD is feeling better and didn't infect the family. OR better yet, that she did stay with BM!

Hugs to you.
parent_of_one
13 years ago
She is not working, both you and DH do. It is unbelivable she didn't even suggest to keep a sick child until she is better. Plus she is not paying CS (is she still not paying?) and now she puts your finances in even more jeopardy if you have to take time off work.

I totally see how aggravating it is, I would be beyond furious. So sorry for what your family is dealing with...Hugs.
imamommy
Original Author
13 years ago
Well, SD stayed with BM and DH is going to pick her up after work today. No word on her condition, so I don't know if she is still sick or contagious and BM did come to court this morning... two hours late. Her hearing was at 8 so I went to hear what happened because DH didn't want to miss work & there was no other reason for him to go. Anyway, she wasn't there & after an hour, the DA mentioned she had changed it to 10am. So, I left to do a little shopping & came back at 9:45am. BM was leaving the courthouse so I guess I missed whatever happened. Oh well. I'm kinda glad I missed it because I thought she was not going to be there & we wanted to know what the court would say about that... but she was there so I'm sure he'll get a notice about what happened. I'm glad I didn't go because it probably would have annoyed me to listen to her lies & excuses.

I just know I need to step back from the crazy... I mean, she drove three hours to come to court & left SD home alone. She COULD have brought SD & dropped her off at home, if she can be home alone~it shouldn't matter that it's at our house vs. hers, right? She's gonna be 12 next month so not a big deal anymore, right? But, instead she leaves her home & wants DH to drive up after work so he won't get there until 8:30 or 9 & get home close to midnight. I think that it would be common sense to bring her instead of making DH go get her since it's the same day. Nothing can be simple & that's why I need to step away from that mess.

Thank you JNM. I know you're going through a tough one too. I hope things have gotten better for you too. I think the toughest thing I've had to deal with is the guilt for backing away, even though I know I need to. It's horrible to know that my involvement is making the situation worse because SD resents my involvement, so I back away but in backing away, I feel guilty when her mom (or dad) disappoints her by not doing something for her that I would have been happy to do for her. Over the past couple of weeks, I have tried reaching out to do nice things for SD & she is polite enough when I do something for her... for the moment, but she continues to run to her room when I come out of mine or look away if I look in her direction. I feel bad that it's come to this, but I guess she can't have a relationship with me without disappointing or upsetting her mom.
parent_of_one
13 years ago
Was it a hearing for CS? Ha, wouldn't make a difference, she doesn't feel she needs to be paying anything, no matter what judge said. I don't know how you guys are coping. Nuts, you have your own 3 kids, your son is deployed, grandson to take care of, crazy DIL, finances, job, SD with all kind of issues and on top of it, you have to deal with BM being obnoxious and NOT PAYING child support.

Letting go feels good... but still, she has a lot of nerve!

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Letting go feels good... but still, she has a lot of nerve!

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