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Question for all of you with exes/shared cust. RE: school events

Posted by lovehadley (My Page) on
Thu, Feb 4, 10 at 13:25

How do you typically handle who takes the kid(s) to school activies/events?

This Sat. SS has a little fair/indoor carnival at his school. It's not a big deal---just some game booths, food, bounce house, etc. A PTA fundraiser.

We have SS Wed-Mon this week and he will (obviously) be with us this Sat. for the fair. However, DH works on Saturdays, although usually just from 9-early afternoon. He could totally take off earlier than normal and we could take both kids to the fair.

BUT of course--BM told him she wants to go. DH just kind of said that he had figured we would take him and BM said well, she wants to be there, too, the RO says she CAN be around me at school functions (she is right.)

SIGH. DH told her (not sure verbatim) that he doesn't want to stand around and play big old happy family, that it just makes it too awkward for ALL of us to go, and that he doesn't really want to be there with her even if I stayed home.

And, really, he's right---it is just stupid! I mean, it's one thing at a soccer game where we are watching SS play. But a fair? I mean, what, are we ALL (me, DH, BM) going to walk him from booth to booth and watch him do this game, watch him get face-painting, watch him in the bounce house? It seems like an unnecessarily awakward situation for ALL.

Anyway, so DH just said fine, never mind, he would rather work a longer day, and that BM can just take SS. He made plans to drop SS off with her in the AM and said he would pick him up on his way home from work in the mid-afternoon.

So SS will be with BM on Sat.

It's really not a big deal *this time*, DH and I are both FINE to skip the event; but I also don't like setting this precendent that he will give in/back off because she's insisting on being there.

So, like I said, how do YOU handle school events? Who takes the child? The parent they're with, or both parents?

Nothing is going to change here, as this has already all been decided and it works fine THIS TIME...but what about next?


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Question for all of you with exes/shared cust. RE: school eve

You just got REALLY lucky! I believe that BM wanted to insert herself in this thinking it would just make you uncomfortable. Well, now that you and Dh wont even be there, it totally blows her plan. Love it! You should be GLAD not to have to go, let her go, and go do something you dont usually have time for (that would be a pedicure day for me!) In fact,I wouldnt even worry about "setting a precedent".....your precedent should be " we dont plan to be around you if we dont absolutely have to"


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RE: Question for all of you with exes/shared cust. RE: school eve

AMEN!!!!! Lucky you! And a big HA on her, since she's now going to have to walk around the stupid fair spending her money. Except now DD won't get to go, which could be disappointing, but you could have some good one-on-one time with her, right?


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RE: Question for all of you with exes/shared cust. RE: school eve

How is she inserting herself? Where I live, fairs are public events. Anyone can go.

I think you are getting power hungry. You, a SM are critizing a mom, for attending a public event at her kids school.

I think both parents should be encouraged to go to public events, but work committments are issues.

My X and I generally alternated.


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RE: Question for all with exes/shared cust. RE: school events

I believe BM is being manipulative. Not many folks with restraining orders against them are being innocent under these circumstances.


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RE: Question for all of you with exes/shared cust. RE: school eve

Oh, so one restraining order means mom cant see her kid at a public event. SM needs to get off her high horse.


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RE: Question for all of you with exes/shared cust. RE: school eve

"You, a SM are critizing a mom, for attending a public event at her kids school."

A mom that has a restraining order...

I think that worked out great... let mom have him & remove yourselves from the picture altogether. If her motivation was to insert herself, she did... good for her, no fun to play the game if the other players go home.

KKNY, she is entitled to attend a public school event... but what reason would she want to go when she knows the child is with dad & SM, so she going to feel like a tagalong 3rd wheel. Given the past history of RO, it would have been awkward for NORMAL people.... but she would have enjoyed making lovehadley uncomfortable. That is they type of person she is... and it's pretty sick to use your child's school event to do something like that. Now, if she sincerely wants to spend the time with her son at the fair, she gets to do that and nobody has to feel uncomfortable or awkward.

And it took the wind out of her sail.

Love, we really don't have this issue as SD lives with us all the time and we couldn't pay BM to show up at an event... but the standing rule is that if the event is on BM's time, it's up to BM to take her (haha fat chance, SD has missed out on nearly EVERY school event because BM has her 3 weekends a month and says no) and when she is with us, it's our call. When they shared 50/50, whoever had her would take her. The one time we all showed up to see her play, BM & her clan sat on the other side of the room and SD was the one that looked uncomfortable & nervous (it was during the custody battle). It was awful. Of course BM moved away shortly after that and hasn't been back to any events since.


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RE: Question for all of you with exes/shared cust. RE: school eve

WHOA. Where did I criticize BM??? I didn't say anything negative!

That's why I ASKED the question---what do people in shared custody situations typically do regarding school events?

Restraining order aside, I am sure that most people would rather not spend an afternoon with the ex. So I guess I do think it's *kinda strange* that BM would WANT to put herself in an awkward situation. "but what reason would she want to go when she knows the child is with dad & SM, so she going to feel like a tagalong 3rd wheel" EXACTLY.

I know if it were HER weekend, DH wouldn't really consider going, he would just let BM do it b/c it's HER time with SS.

Anyway, this is neither here nor there, like I said, it's not a big issue this time--I was just asking people with shared custody (ie--Ima, Sweeby, Ashley, etc.) how they handled situations like this.

And KK, you did say that you and your ex alternated, that makes sense and seems reasonable to me.


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WHOA. Where did I criticize BM??? I didn't say anything negative!

That's why I ASKED the question---what do people in shared custody situations typically do regarding school events?

Restraining order aside, I am sure that most people would rather not spend an afternoon with the ex. So I guess I do think it's *kinda strange* that BM would WANT to put herself in an awkward situation. "but what reason would she want to go when she knows the child is with dad & SM, so she going to feel like a tagalong 3rd wheel" EXACTLY.

I know if it were HER weekend, DH wouldn't really consider going, he would just let BM do it b/c it's HER time with SS.

Anyway, this is neither here nor there, like I said, it's not a big issue this time--I was just asking people with shared custody (ie--Ima, Sweeby, Ashley, etc.) how they handled situations like this.

And KK, you did say that you and your ex alternated, that makes sense and seems reasonable to me.


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Would never discourage X from coming

What I said is both parents should be encouraged to go, but work can get in the way. Public time does not get divided.


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RE: Question for all of you with exes/shared cust. RE: school eve

kkny

ARE YOU KIDDING ME??????? (yes, I had to scream that!)

There is no such thing as PUBLIC TIME in a custody schedule.. unless the order says "Public time".

Under that theory, trick or treating is done in public.. I guess the other parent can tagalong because it's a public street... nevermind if the child is walking with his custodial mom that has a domestic violence restraining order against the father, I guess non custodial ~ restrained dad's can follow them as they walk... even if he has a restraining order, after all it's a public place!... I'm sure the courts will agree it's a public place, he's not there to intimidate his ex or stalk her.. he's just there to see his child get a bag full of candy! Doesn't THAT sound ridiculous????

Public events are just that.. public. A school play, carnival, fair, etc. Both parents SHOULD be able to attend if it's what makes the child feel loved by all. When there are restraining orders... and might I just ask:

"Oh, so one restraining order means mom cant see her kid at a public event."

How many restraining orders do you think it should take? How many times would YOU need to be punched in the face before you would not want to be in the same room with someone that punched you? I about fell off my chair when I read that... if anyone is on their high horse, it's the woman that got drunk, punched someone unprovoked, and still thinks she can dance around the paper that tells her to stay the hell away from the lady she punched... she continues to drive by their house & 'forget' things she NEEDS to drop off & interjects herself whenever she can.. she is a nut and sure she has a right to go to a PUBLIC school fair/carnival. But it is DH's weekend and he has a right to say they have other plans and won't be there....

It was just very nice of him to say she can go ahead and take him on HIS TIME.. not PUBLIC TIME!


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RE: Question for all of you with exes/shared cust. RE: school eve

According to Love, the restraining order does not apply to school.

Of course, DH has the right to say he has other plans and he and child wont be there.

And mom has the right to be there to.


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RE: Question for all of you with exes/shared cust. RE: school eve

What we did was the parent with custody at the time of the event took the child to the event -- or not. If it was a school event you'd want to go to -- play, concert, open house or awards ceremony, usually both sides would go. If it was something like a carnival, only the parent whose weekend it was would usually go. Of course, we didn't have restraining orders...

(In elementary school, we basically ignored each other. In middle school, we said hello, then sat separately. In high school, we even sat together)

In this case, it seems to have worked out well for you LH. You don't have to go, Hubby gets to work and avoids BM, and BM gets to spend more time with her son. Though I do think this episode may show her that all she has to do is say she'll show up to get rid of you...


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RE: Question for all of you with exes/shared cust. RE: school eve

DH has the right to say he won't be there... but what if the kid wants to go? IMO, this is petty. A mini-carnival at the kid's school is hardly *the* place to be on a weekend. Custodial parent for the weekend should be able to do custodial parent things without other parent honing in on the time.

If this were a performance situation (kid is the chocolate heart in the Valentines day parade) I can see both parents wanting to attend regardless of (whose) weekend it is to spend with said child. Otherwise, BM needs to get a grip.


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RE: Question for all of you with exes/shared cust. RE: school eve

" she continues to drive by their house & 'forget' things she NEEDS to drop off"

HAHA, this is off topic, but she did it just yesterday, Ima! SS has a new truck that he bought while with BM and he wanted to bring it to our house for 5 days. Well, apparently, it's too big to fit in his backpack, so BM, sure as anything, called DH at 7:30 yesterday AM as she was driving SS to school and wanted to know if she could swing it by and DH could run out to the curb to get it from her in her car?

I mean, okay....she at least seems to "get" that she can't come in our driveway or drop something on our porch...BUT...DH's answer was NO, you cannot come by. That is not acceptable. And thankfully, he said exactly that! He DID agree to meet her in the school parking lot, as he was getting ready to walk out the door for work, and it was right on his way.

But geeez....it is the most bizarre thing. Maybe I'm being paranoid but I often wonder if BM "encourages" SS to bring things to our home and makes sure he "forgets" them. It's odd to me because SS NEVER wants to take anything from OUR home to BM's. I just can't see HIM wanting to constantly bring this or that....I have to believe it's her encouraging it for some wacked-out reason.


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Yuck, flashbacks

I agree with other posters who made the important distinction between a performance versus an activity. A school carnival is the equivalent of going to a movie or the mall, and even though the parent whose day it isn't would like to go, they are barging in on the other parent's time with the kid!

That said...this is a "do as I say and not as I do" thing for our house, because even though my ex and I always divided things up like that, BM would have none of that, and we gave in. It is such a relief to have both SDs out of high school so there are fewer of those events where it was her, DH and me hanging around, sometimes all day, with the SDs, or even in events where the kids didn't really stay with the parents.

And she wanted it that way on her time, too. She would always call DH to invite him to church events or things at her golf club, places we weren't even involved with. He would always say no; eventually she figured out that if she invited both of us, we were more likely to come. Which was true, but we really didn't want to do those things with her, where the three of us (or sometimes her DH too) had to socialize for long periods of time.

The funny thing is, in desperation DH and I tried a tactic where I would go without him if it was something on our time and DH couldn't go. At first BM was mad (she chewed him out once in front of the girls) but then it seemed fine with her--DH called me her "new best friend."

It was just so uncomfortable and I am so happy it is pretty much over. I feel like a newlywed.


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RE: Question for all of you with exes/shared cust. RE: school eve

Just wanted to add that I am happy to hear that your dh is finally standing up for you!!! Good for him for not allowing BM to be around you or your home. And I agree that you do not all need to be at the school carnival. I bet BM wanted to have you all there and she could try to play innocent victim while making you uncomfortable. Now she gets to spend her child free day with her son in a crowded school spending money on silly games!


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RE: Question for all of you with exes/shared cust. RE: school eve

"Just wanted to add that I am happy to hear that your dh is finally standing up for you!!! Good for him for not allowing BM to be around you or your home."

Me too!!! But, if SS is coming to your house after school, he could have said 'leave it in the office & it will be picked up when SS is picked up from school'. He should not have to make a special trip to the school (even if it's on the way) because I think she gets some sort of cheap thrill at knowing she can get him to meet her... that is her pay off and it encourages her to continue forgetting things & wanting to meet him or drop them off (staying engaged w/ your DH). But, it's great he is doing better at saying no... but when he says no, he needs to MEAN no, not "no, you can't come by the house but I will meet you." SS isn't going to play with his truck until he gets home from school, so there's no need to get it in the morning.


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RE: Question for all of you with exes/shared cust. RE: school eve

remind me again how long ago the whole incident happened with BM.

To answer the question at hand though ... even when things were bad (and they got bad for a while) everyone sucked it up and we sat together for most events and just dealt with it. We spent our time talking to the kids. At things like fairs kids almost never stay right there and there is really no reason why everyone cant be there and have fun.


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RE: Question for all of you with exes/shared cust. RE: school eve

'remind me again how long ago the whole incident happened with BM"

It happened last April, so about 10-11 months ago. Then she also made up a false allegation of child abuse against me in June of 2009, not to mention just caused a bunch of court-related/custody drama the remainder of the summer.

Things have been relatively peaceful since August 2009, I'd say.

We USED to all suck it up and do things together. When SS started kindergarten, we all went to the school picnic; when he finished kinder, we all went to the end-of-the-year carnival, etc. It wasn't until things got nasty that things drastically changed.

I guess my issue is that I just refuse to be around her nor do I want my daughter around her. I don't trust the woman farther than I can throw her.

I don't know...it's tough...on one hand, you do not want to hold a grudge, but on the other hand, I do not want to demonstrate to my daughter that someone can be physically violent with you and then you will still be around them. KWIM?

All that aside---i just feel like DH should have the opportunity to do things with his child without BM hanging around, and BM should have the opportunity to do things with her son without DH hanging around. To me, the shared custody gives them EACH ample time with their son, and they each know that if a certain event doesn't fall on their day THIS TIME, the next one will. It all eventually balances out. IMO.

It's tough.


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'remind me again how long ago the whole incident happened with BM"

It happened last April, so about 10-11 months ago. Then she also made up a false allegation of child abuse against me in June of 2009, not to mention just caused a bunch of court-related/custody drama the remainder of the summer.

Things have been relatively peaceful since August 2009, I'd say.

We USED to all suck it up and do things together. When SS started kindergarten, we all went to the school picnic; when he finished kinder, we all went to the end-of-the-year carnival, etc. It wasn't until things got nasty that things drastically changed.

I guess my issue is that I just refuse to be around her nor do I want my daughter around her. I don't trust the woman farther than I can throw her.

I don't know...it's tough...on one hand, you do not want to hold a grudge, but on the other hand, I do not want to demonstrate to my daughter that someone can be physically violent with you and then you will still be around them. KWIM?

All that aside---i just feel like DH should have the opportunity to do things with his child without BM hanging around, and BM should have the opportunity to do things with her son without DH hanging around. To me, the shared custody gives them EACH ample time with their son, and they each know that if a certain event doesn't fall on their day THIS TIME, the next one will. It all eventually balances out. IMO.

It's tough.


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RE: Question for all of you with exes/shared cust. RE: school eve

They SHOULD be able to do things with their kid without the other parent.

I know PLENTY of intact families that one parent deals with one certain kid's activities and the other deals with the other stuff. It's no big deal in an intact family to split up kid-duties (okay...now THAT'S funny!). There are some kids' parents on DS' baseball team that I didn't know were married because I had only ever seen the mom or dad and not together.

If DH had a bio-daughter, would it even be a thought in his mind to go sit at dance classes (not performances or rehersals, but just practices)?

Divorce makes it almost like a contest or that each parent has something to prove. Does that make sense? My X and his GF come to everything for DS. It's great for DS, but pointless for the GF to be at some things. Like baseball practice. If X is out on the field helping and I'm there to pick up DS, what is she there for? Basically to prove that she is just as caring and loving and obligated as X and I are. But there are lots of things X doesn't really need to be at when DS is with me (batting cage practice), but he'll make the 30 minute drive (then complain about the gas). Why? To prove to the other parents and coaches that he's a great dad.

I was just thinking, LH, that I feel really sorry for BM's DD. With all the time and effort BM spends on SS and his events and talking to DH and messing with your head, how does she have time for her DD (and the one on the way)?


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RE: Question for all of you with exes/shared cust. RE: school eve

"I was just thinking, LH, that I feel really sorry for BM's DD. With all the time and effort BM spends on SS and his events and talking to DH and messing with your head, how does she have time for her DD"

It's funny you said that, Ashley!

The morning of the school fair, BM called DH and said she was going to be running late b/c she had to find a sitter for her 2 yr old DD! DH said "aren't you bringing her to the fair?" and BM said no way.

It is the strangest darn thing! EVERY event at SS's school (ie--Halloween party or Fun Run or soccer games, etc.) BM NEVER brings her DD. She always gets a sitter! It is so odd b/c every other mother throws their baby or toddler in the stroller (well, not literally, but you kwim) and GOES. That is just what you DO when you have more than 1 kid!

But BM keeps everything so separate with her kids.


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RE: Question for all of you with exes/shared cust. RE: school eve

We usually do school functions on whos day it falls on. So if it was our Saturday then we would take them.
My skids BM though is very lazy and doesnt really want to go to anything.


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RE: Question for all of you with exes/shared cust. RE: school eve

"But BM keeps everything so separate with her kids."

Except if it's the girl's b-day party and SS is with you. Weird....

What it seems like to me is that she's "pretending" she doesn't have another family when she's with SS. Wouldn't little sister like to have a cupcake, too? Wouldn't little sister like to see big brother perform? Nope, because little sister doesn't exist in BM's weirdo, wacko fantasy-land.


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