If I could make a suggestion, I think it would be to suggest that you involve a finance professional. I think having a financial planner (who specializes in, and I hate this phrase, but stepfamily or second-family finance) on your family team would be of enormous benefit. First of all, you and your husband may not see eye to eye and need mediation. Secondly, your husband is legally entitled to money that he is not pursuing and being advised of this by a professional may give him the oomph and/or tools to do so. Thirdly, you need to make sure you protect the interests of your own bio children. And finally, and maybe most importantly - we all work so hard for our money, and not very many of us know how to make that money work for us. Wouldn't you like the benefits of a consultation, which probably wouldn't cost too much, to really problem-solve this? After all, you probably wouldn't try to set a broken arm if you weren't a doctor, or argue a court case if you didn't have specialized legal knowledge. My suggestion is to take advantage of the available knowledge about best practices for these types of situations.

I think the child support for YOUR kids should be used to make sure THEY are not lacking anything. I also think that not only should it help provide what they NEED, but it should help provide for things they WANT. For example, if they want to join some sports team, or want to take art lessons, or gymnastics, etc that money should be used for that. If they want to buy some books at the school book fair, they should be able to! ETC. I think it is so sad that you are working TWO jobs, and you get $1250 a month in child support and STILL your children are lacking things they NEED.

I honestly think each of your children should get about $300/month of that money for whatever they need or want. I think if you took HALF of that $1250 every month and put it in an account for your kids, that would be more than fine! Then the remainding $600 can go to a communal pot out of which food is bought, the mortgage is paid, etc.

This is easy ...

What percentage of your income CS and wages goes to support the household?

100% 85% 75%?

Take CS out of the equation .... Then how much of your income goes to support your household?

100% 85% 75%

Thats how much of his income he should be contributing.

you do not need to put a dollar amount because believe it or not he will stick to the amount and then he will find a message board like this one and be complaining he has to pay rent. :)

I'd probably put everything into an imaginary 'pot' -- Your earnings, your CS, plus what he ought to be earning and what his mother spends on his kids.

Then subtract your household expenses including childcare, mortgage, utilities, food, necessary basic healthcare and clothing for all, plus savings for emergencies.

Then, assuming there's money leftover, I'd allocate that back out in the same proportion it came it. In other words, if you (wages and CS) put in 75%, and Hubby puts in 25% (wages and gifts), then you get 75% of the leftover for discretionary use.

My opinion -- the 1250 goes for your kids, it can include a reasonable share of mort, food etc. Reasonable, not more than 2/6; likley less

Then what you earn and he earn has to cover rest.

Sorry I dont remember enough of your background, but maybe you are living in too big a house. Maybe you dont earn enough to support 4 kids and 2 adults (not an insult, I dont either).

When I was a single mom I used my child support to help support me and my son. When I got married and me and my dh were both working full-time I mostly was able to bank my child support money in my sons account.

Now I am only working part-time and I rarely am able to put that money away (it is only $100 a week). But when my son or any of my stepkids need anything they have it. And so far we have been able to put them in any activities they have wanted to join.

So I would say that as long as your kids have everything they need, they are able to join activities they want to be in, and they are able to have extras when the other kids do then it is all fine.

***If your contributing a lot more to the household income than your husband and there is money left over I think that it should be put in the bank for your children since you do get a large amount for support.

"So I would say that as long as your kids have everything they need, they are able to join activities they want to be in, and they are able to have extras when the other kids do then it is all fine."

But if you have followed OP's other post, you will know that her issue is that her kids are NOT getting what they want or even what they need at times.

In that case, and given the fact that OP is working two jobs, I think she is entitled to put away a GOOD portion of that child support for her children, the children for whom the support is intended.

I would not specify a set amount each month. I would have a list, before the check arrives, of things they need and maybe things they want... like a lesson or toy and take care of those things first. Some months, they may need more than others but making sure your kids have what they need and a few things they just want (so they don't feel deprived while the other kids get stuff) would be a priority. Whatever is left could go into the family 'pot'.

If I were OPs X, I would be livid about this situation. I would expect that the CS would be going to pay my share of my kids needs. Its not. I would be looking to evalauate custody. If I couldnt afford to work to support my share of house and DH and his kids then he and his kids have to go. You cant support everyone in this world.

I agree with KKNY. As I was reading all these posts I couldn't help but think of how angry OP's ex must be over this. He pays $1250 a month in support yet his children are still lacking needs?? I'm sorry but your DH needs to get off his @## and get a job. And pretty much all of his income should go twards the household bills. That is the burden he takes on when he choses not to go after child support for his own kids.

I agree with KK and Sminmj. Their father should not be expected to support his ex's new husband and his kids, which is what it is essentially doing. That money is indended to put a roof over their head and food in their mouths and by contributing to that CS helps hubby and his kids, but for it to be in a communal pot that DH and kids dip into as well is wrong, IMO.

Seems like CS should go into a seperate account. 1/4 of household bills could be paid from it, 1/4 from your own account, and 1/2 from DH. The fact he chooses to not receive CS to help with his 1/2 is his own problem.
The remained of the CS account should be for whatever YOU deem they need.

I dont have a problem if one partner in a marriage earns more, or has more incoem from investments, and pays for more than 1/2 of household expenses. But CS is different -- it is meant for the children. Now children need food and a place to sleep too, but I have a lot of trouble beleiving that the CS isnt being used for the benefit of others. That is wrong and has to stop. Now, in todays economy, a lot of people can go through rough spots, but this apparently has been going on for years. Now is a tough time of OPs DH to get a job, but it has to happen.

OP, what would happen if your X lost his job and CS stopped? Are you saving for your own kids college? Are you saving for your own retirement? If you are working two jobs and getting CS you should be able to save for college and retirement.

I think OP is putting her DH way ahead of her kids. Frustated, you have to accept that DH may leave, but you can not keep short-changing yourself and your kids.

I agree with kkny on this one. Dont short change yourself and especially your kids.
ANd i agree that CS is not for your new husband and his kids to gobble up. THat cash when it comes, whatever your kids needs, clothes , activiites. lessons, comes out first. If he wants clothes for his kids tell him to claim Cs from their mother!
Stop putting yourself inthe ground and what you've done over the years now is that you have lowered your standards to make it 'ok' to do what you have to do for the sake of the new family.
I understand the mortgage must get paid and the bills...but hey...has he gotten a job yet??? Have you seen him go for an interview? is his nose in the paper and internet for jobs? Check out the history section for the internet site...see where your husband has gone for the day. If you hit history and all you see is game sites, your husband is draggin it.
At that point i would give him a week to pick up his stuff and go live at mommy's.
Your his wife, not his mother. And please, you dont need to discuss how m uch money will be allocated from CS with him. I know he's your husband but that cash has nothing ot do with him and he should nto expect you to dish it out all because you have it.
next time your husband asks about it, tell him things have changed and that money is not to be counted as cash for him and his kids to spend. A portion will go the house for food..but a very small fraction. Take out portions that you need for the kids. Go buy them what the need. And dont be afraid to exclude his kids. THey have grandma to splurge.

"If I couldnt afford to work to support my share of house and DH and his kids then he and his kids have to go."

enough said.

"So what's a fair amount to ask him for out of the $1250 per month that I get?"

Why are you asking your current husband for any of the money your children receive from their father for their support?

A fair amount? $1250.00

The money is for the support of your children and no one else.

I can't respond. I agree with everyone above.

GET A JOB, JOE!!!!!!

I have to agree with everyone else. The court did not order your X to pay that child support to take care of your DH's children, much less your DH!

If I was your X I would be livid.

This whole thing seems out of whack to me. DH stays home with the kids right? I realize there is not a dollar amount attached to that ACTUALLY - but how much would it cost to have day care for all your kids? Blended families are still families, and families support eachother. Just because you happen to get extra help from an ex doesn't make your DH current contributions valuless.

That being said someone should take a moment - show your DH the LAW that says since thier bio Mom has CHOSEN not to support them that not only is it insane to think that DH could lose the kids by asking for support - but SHE could go to jail for not giving it to him. He has all the "power" now, you should show him that.

You're all talking about math and cold hard numbers. Perhaps if you really feel the need to go down that road you SHOULD look into how much money it would cost you to put all the kids in daycare - and that number should be what your DH "brings in". Don't forget to factor in what his going back to work will COST you - as in TAXES, gas, child care, etc. That ammount could surprise you.

I think you all have the wrong approach here. Telling your spouse that "Your bio kids" are entitled to more money than his because your ex pays support and his doesn't will NOT go over well no matter how you try to sugar coat it - or make it okay because a professional said it and not you.

Calling him a mooch beacuse he is not "bringing in any money" while he is the one to deal with all the kids all day will not go over well either.

Child support is there to make sure the kids involved don't suffer financially, that their BASIC needs are met. That's food, shelter & clothing. Not dance class - iPods and savings accounts. Saving for their future education is a smart thing to do - but not at the expense of your marriage.

Oh - and one last thing... it doesn't matter what X-husband thinks of how you spend the childsupport. That is the magic of divorce - it's officially NONE of his business anymore. It only becomes his business IF you start neglecting your bio-kids BASIC needs.

"Oh - and one last thing... it doesn't matter what X-husband thinks of how you spend the childsupport."

Actually, it does. This man is sending money to HIS children to see that they get what they need---and, I am sorry, but I disagree. With $1250 a month in child support, those kids should be entitled to some *extras* like dance class! OP has stated that her children are lacking basic things, like clothes that fit!

Totally agree Hadley. Ok X-husband can't do much about it, he pays what he has to pay, so yes the OP can do what she wants as long as she meets the basic needs of the children.
Buutttt, it's more of a moral question, not one of the law. OP should spend that money on her kids, and as LoveHadley said, if he pays that much than there is room for extra's for her kids. If OP wants to do the right thing, morally, then she should do that. If OP wants to spend it elsewhere she can too, but she'd have to live with the knowledge that her X is paying for other people than his own kids, and that is just not ok.

So when I'm re-reading the original post I can't help but wonder why you need to come up with an amount? Can't DH just get a job first and then you talk money? And to put it simple; ALL his money should go towards your household, whether it's the mortgage or the bills or the food or his own kids clothing..

What do you mean by:
"So, what's a fair amount to ask him for out of the $1250 per month that I get? Will it depend on how much money he's making." I don't understand how your DH's possible earnings have got something to do with the $1250 you get? Are you asking what would be a fair amount for him to chip in? ALL OF IT. Make a budget for the basic needs of his kids and the rest can go to the household expenses. Done.

I also wonder about this statement: "and I also want to ask that some of my children's support get put away for them (or I can spend it on just them if I want to)".
Why do YOU have to ask HIM? IT'S NOT HIS MONEY!!!!!!

Norcal and Liesbeth have some pretty good advice, IMO.

I think 1250 for two children and with one potentially in daycare is not a high amount. In my area a "good" daycare is going to be $800. $450 left over for basic necessities...clothes, food, shelter...eh 1250 is not a lot.

DH needs to concentrate on getting a job, both of you need to come up with a budgeting plan including quality of life for all children. And absolutely, DH needs to go after CS for his own children. He has absolutely no reason to be concerned about anything with regards to custody. But as Norcal said, a financial counselor will help ~both~ of you to figure out what you need and want in all of this.

Okay, back to the original question, which was "what amount to ask him for" out of the $1250.

Here's my (heavily biased, BTW) opinion on the subject:

The whole concept of asking one's husband for money rubs me COMPLETELY the wrong way--especially when you are working your tail off to support the family financially. While I agree that child care does count for something, plenty of families have two parents who work and split child care responsibilities one way or another. So maybe he needs to work third shift?

This isn't so much a financial issue as it is a character issue for me. A MAN would see that his children and wife are suffering and that he needs to do something about that. Sitting in front of the computer all day is NOT doing something about it.

His income (all of it) should be put into the family "pot" and the two of you should sit down and develop a family budget, allocating the funds as the two of you see fit. Having to "ask" him for money is the lowest of the low as far as I am concerned. A man of character would WANT to support his family and would do so willingly. It's not fair that you carry all of the weight.

And I think that he does need to go after his ex-wife for child support, too.

Thank you all again for responding and trying to help.

I need to clarify things here - my kids needs ARE being met. That is not an issue. They do not get extras though. That's the problem. My skids needs are not getting met b/c I'm meeting my own kids needs, but they ARE getting the extras (from their bio-grandmother). It's messed up, I know.

I agree that DH needs to get a job. I think that's 100% true. I priced out daycares in our area and for the girls to go its going to be $1000 per month. Add in both boys in the summer and that number goes up about $800. That's staggering. I don't think DH will make that much even to cover that.

I agree he needs to go after BM for support but honestly, she is a SAHM to her 3 "replacement" children that's she had since her and DH split up. I doubt we could get anything from her anyway. All I would get is her license suspended most likely. Although the satisfaction of making her squirm and be uncomfortable knowing that we DID go after her, to me that is satisfaction enough. He absolutely refuses though so there's not much that I can do about that.

I agree that a part of the child support money needs to go just for my kids but right now, as things stand, there is NO money for that. If DH goes back to work, he said it's pointless for him to go to just pay for daycare and have like $100 left over. I tend to agree with him about that b/c the hassle of what him working would entail might make it just too hard and not worth that $100. See what I mean? It's so hard! UGH!

And we do NOT live in a too big house - it's just our mortgage payment jacked up (real estate taxes doubled) and that is now putting us behind. Plus, the cost of everything has went up so that's whats putting a strain on things. I know everyone can relate to that.

I asked him if he gets a job and there was money left over if he would be okay with me putting money aside for my kids and he said no more than $200 per month. I think that's a little low but then again, if there's no money to begin with, then $200 seems like a lot.

He does take care of the kids and I know being a SAHM is not easy work but I do agree that he could do SOMETHING from home to earn money or at least get something part time on the weekends. He refuses though saying he's not going to work for $8 an hour. UGH!

Oh my goodness, you're married to my husband! LOL

"Not going to work for $8/hr."

That attitude makes me want to THROW UP. I am up to my ears in it and it stinks. My part time job is $10/hr--not much more, but I'm not too proud to do it. UGH.

Only you can decide when you've had enough. Me, I already have...

So how about Stay-at-home-Hubby takes in another child or two for home-based day care? That would bring in some real income? Lots of women do that --

"I asked him if he gets a job and there was money left over if he would be okay with me putting money aside for my kids and he said no more than $200 per month. I think that's a little low but then again, if there's no money to begin with, then $200 seems like a lot."

This statement is telling. You are 'asking' him. "IF" he gets a job.. "WOULD IT BE OKAY"... "HE SAID NO MORE THAN $200 PER MONTH".... I'm not a big Dr. Phil fan but the first thing that came to mind is 'ARE YOU KIDDING ME????' and then he has set his standards at $8 an hour? That's minimum wage! McDonald's pays $8 an hour and they are always hiring and they have flexible schedules and very few towns don't have one nearby. But, something tells me he will have another excuse why he can't work at McDonalds.

My daughter's father married a girl after we split up. She was still a teenager and he was in his early 20's. They've had 4 kids together since and he has NEVER held a job long enough to pay me much of the measley $72 a month in child support that was ordered in 1991. Over the years, I've gotten checks here and there for $10 or 20... which tells me he isn't making much when he does work. I understand your DH's reasoning for not 'going after her' because she doesn't work and can't pay anyways because of her other kids. I never went after my ex, but I did get an order and I let the arrears build because SOMEDAY he may have something. He now owes me 18 years of support and with interest added each month, even though the actual support is not being added (our daughter is 18), the interest added is more than the original support and that amount is growing and will continue to grow until he pays it. There is no satisfaction for me that he has no license... that law wasn't in effect when I got the order, but my daughter was entitled to be supported. I feel terribly sorry for his other children and most of all, I feel terribly sorry for his wife. If he hasn't worked enough to pay me $72 a month, then she has been the one supporting him and their children for the last 18 years (along with public assistance). That is one of the reasons I have never pursued contempt or collection. BUT I have worked and I have supported MY daughter (and other children) and I would NEVER have let someone else support my responsibility. The fact that your husband has set his standard at minimum wage tells me that he probably has very little education or work experience. He also has an obligation to his children to get a support order, it really shouldn't be his choice. His ex, just like mine, may someday get a job. Their other kids will grow up and then they may be able to pay the arrears and who knows, maybe they'll have life insurance or some other benefits someday. Some states only allow you to get child support from the day you ask for it while others will let you go back in time, but in my opinion, it is immoral for one person to give up the right of another person and child support is the right of the child. If he doesn't want it, put it in the bank for the child.

If he is going to be a SAHD, he needs to do the housework so you don't have to do housework after a day of working at your job and he can take classes or work from home if he really wanted to.

And I understand that he feels it's not worth it for an extra $100 a month. When I was with my exBF (he had 3 kids & I had 3 kids. Neither got support for any of the kids), I was offered a job in social services making $7.51 an hour (this was when minimum wage was $4.25 an hour) with a 40 hour traditional work week. He was a deputy and his shift changed every three months. For a time, we were both working days and had to put the kids in daycare.. $60.00 a day if I remember correctly. I was making $7.51 an hour for 8 hours so it was actually costing me money to work. But, we stuck it out and eventually, I received pay increases and we didn't always need that much childcare as the kids got older. If I had thrown up my hands and said "I can't work for less than the childcare!", maybe I would have had to still work in fast food or retail jobs. I'm not putting down those jobs either but they didn't have the benefits I got working in social services... benefits my kids needed. I would pick up cans or work cleaning toilets for under minimum wage if my kids' needs were not being met. So, I disagree that it's not worth it to work for an extra $100 a month after daycare because he will get work experience, pay increases and possibly benefits that eventually make it worth it. Sitting on the couch does not increase job marketability when he does decide to get a job. I don't know how old he is but the longer he stays out of the job market, the tougher it will be to get a better than minimum wage job and the more likely it will be you or some other woman will be supporting him for the rest of his life. My ex is in his 40's and has never had a real job.. so the chances are slim he'll ever get one.

My DH has custody of his DD9 and his ex also doesn't work, but he got an order and the arrears are building up. It isn't for the 'satisfaction' of taking her license or tormenting her (as she thinks he is only doing it because I am telling him to so I can torment her)... it's because they have children and their children have a right to be supported. She is also in her late 30's and has never worked. It makes me wonder what these people that rely on someone else to support them are going to do when their 'support person' is gone and they have to take care of themselves? In my opinion, it's the worse case scenario when they turn to their kids and mooch off the grown kids when nobody is left to take care of them.

If my DH were to refuse to go after support for his kid AND refuse to work for less than any amount... well that wouldn't happen because I wouldn't have married him. But, I can tell you what, if he wasn't working or getting support for his kid and I am working and getting support for mine, I sure the hell would not be ASKING him how much I can keep of my own money!

Him doing home-based daycare could work... if his notion of childcare didn't involve him playing computer games all day long. That's not really an adequate level of supervision, particularly if there are a bunch of kids around. I know I wouldn't pick a daycare provider who I knew was spending most of his/her time on the computer fooling around instead of interacting with the kids.

I think you guys are going to have to do things you're not going to like, because it sounds like doing what you like isn't working. He may end up having to have a conversation with his mother about giving different gifts, go after his ex for child support, and take a job that pays less than he wants. You may end up having to look after all four kids by yourself if his job is evenings/weekends. You both may end up having to pay a significant chunk of the new income for daycare, purely because the amount left over after daycare covers what you need.

I also think that the longer it takes for you both to realize that you're going to have to suck it up and deal with the situation as it exists, the harder it's going to be to straighten things out. "It's too hard to get a job I want and I don't want a job I could get more easily," is not a good reason to have kids in the house who don't have clothes or dental insurance, whether they're your kids OR his. "I'm tired and don't want to look after all four by myself," is also not a good reason. The kids are there. The household's needs are not being met. You guys are the adults, and need deal with it.

"I'm tired and don't want to look after all four by myself," is also not a good reason"
I have to agree, as well. I can relate to this---although 2 is NOT the same as 4 at all!

My Dh owns a small car dealership and sales have really gone down in this economy. He's had to cut people's hours and even lay off the book-keeper. As a result, he has lost a LOT of his flexibility and is having to work longer hours to do more of the work.

He didn't get home until 8:30 last night (worked 12 hours!) and today he is working 9-6. He is also going to have to go in tomorrow AM at some point for a couple hours to do some book-keeping.

This is his weekend with SS but I've been the one caring for him since Wed. night. (DH worked until 9 pm on Wed night, and 6 pm on Thurs night.)

When our kids are together AND it's cold outside, things tend to get CRAZY. Watching 1 6 yr old versus watching 2 is a whole different ballgame.

And honestly--I don't like it. I've been doing a lot of the driving in the mornings and take SS to school often. I always take my DD to school at 8 AM, then I've been coming home to get SS, taking him to school at 9:10; then I rush home, clean, do laundry and then head to my afternoon tutoring job. Then deal with two 6 yr olds all night.

I wish it wasn't like this and I've complained to DH about it. We had a big argument a few weeks ago and I then realized---as bad as I *think* it might be, he is the one working 75 hrs a week to keep his business going. He doesn't want to do that but he does....

I think in this economy, lots of people are strugggling and we all have to do things we don't want to or didn't plan on doing.

My DH's schedule has been like this for a month now and I imagine it will be for another 6+ months. At some point, things will turn around but in the meantime, we are all having to pick up a bit of slack.

I'm TOTALLY not trying to preach to you--I can't imagine watching 4 kiddos alone. BUT just try to view whatever you have to do as temporary until things get better.

DH NEEDS TO GET A JOB, even if it is part-time or only brings in$8/hr! ANYTHING is better than nothing!

it's just our mortgage payment jacked up (real estate taxes doubled)

First of all, if your real estate taxes doubled? How and why did that happen? Especially considering the state of the current housing market? You know, you don't have to simply accept the increase, you can challenge it. I have successfully challenged mine 3 times, and helped several of my neighbors get their reduced as well. The process for doing this varies from state to state, but often a single phone call to the assessor's office armed with information on the most recent sales prices of similar properties, is enough to do the trick.

Second, I know the job market's pretty tight these days, but if he can't find a job clearing at least $1,000/month to cover daycare costs? How about working a 2nd or 3rd shift job, or at least weekends?

And maybe a suggestion for grandma? All I need is the slightest hint that my grandbabies could use some pjs, shoes, boots, jackets, etc., and I can make it to the store and back in less than an hour. Even my 2 y/o GD has no problem saying, "I want BLUE shoes gramma, BLUE!" and blue shoes it is!

Of course I know mommy puts them up to it, and no, I don't think she's broke because I know they're not having any financial problems. I realize she figures I'm going to spend money on them anyway, so why waste it on crap, when it could be put to good use instead? I appreciate the consideration, and find it a rather reassuring indication of her maturity in embracing her parental responsibility.

I honestly dont' like that attitude....thats its not worth it if 100 if left over...hey its 100 more than what he has now and there is money being contributed into the household AND it relieves stress off of you. I hardly think i would say that its not worth it.
No, he's gotten lazy and you have accepted it.
sofrustrated, sound to me like you are going for a 3rd job.
Again, you have asked advice from here but you go and ask your husband how much to set aside. If you want all the money set aside thee is nothing he can do about. What if your ex hubby found out that the money is not beign used to the full potential. would you like it if he went to court to lower it? You do not sound like you are in a position to lose any money and 8$ /hr is better than nothing.,
Even better idea! Here' one for ya! Give his two kids to grandma to take care of. Money solved. She can help that way as well.
That way some ofthe cash is cut and can be set aside as well for his kids when he works.
In the end you are theone living this life with him and you are only frustrated as long as it bothers you and you allow it to bother you.
To me now it sounds like you are back to square one....its not worth him working so i guess now he wont get a job.
SO......cut off internet since bills are tight and your husband will no longer have the net and his full attention can now go to all the kids and cookiing and taking care of the house and tell him to do the groceries as well.

1. Disengaged, thats a great idea to see if Grandma can help, and it doesnt have to be all day, 5 days, many people work out schedules combining part-time work, day care, relatives, etc. Any free or low cost programs in your area? Put the younger kids on the waiting list NOW. Even an extra 100/week would help.

2. I hope you and DH have agreed on no more additional kids until family gets situation under control. Soon, all the kids will be in K and higher.

3. Have DH discuss with his mother that the family is in serious financial straits, and she will always be beloved by the kids even if she doesnt give "fun" gifts. At this age, they dont need much money. He MUST learn to ask others for real help, and not just fall back on you.

"My opinion -- the 1250 goes for your kids"

amen.

This man isn't entitled to live off the money a father pays to support his children.