I don't know when your visa expires but I definitely would not marry when such serious issues are involved. When children pee and defecate all over the house that indicates there is a very severe problem. And the girl is a threat to your daughter's safety. To be this violent at the age of 5 is extremely troubling. The father of these children needs to be more involved in their daily lives and in their discipline. To give his daughter all his attention is rewarding her for her bad behavior. That won't fix anything. Personally I would consider this family too great a risk to marry into. The daughter is violent and the son (apparently) has fetal alcohol syndrome. Both may become far more difficult as they age and their father has taken the easy way out by spoiling them. He has not offered his children appropriate discipline and he is not giving you the support you need. Even at the best of times this would be a difficult situation. Marrying is a serious decision and if you had a child together that would make your life even more difficult. I hope you consider carefully before taking this risk.

Kate, Please accept my sympathy, I'm so sorry for your loss. I saw your post early this morning and I've been thinking all day about what to say. When my mother passed away right before Thanksgiving I couldn't decide whether I was relieved or sad. We had already lost her to Alzheimer's 5 years ago. She would have been 89 this spring and she was such a wonderful strong, smart, talented and funny woman that I spent a long time being angry that she was gone even before she left us forever. Someone said in an earlier post that they still saw glimmers of their mother despite the Alzheimer's and this was so true for my mother even until the day before she died. Oddly, after my mother died I started to realize that I had her back as she was for most of her life, as I and my brothers and sister remembered her. During her long decline we were dealing with everything of the day to day she needed but couldn't do for herself. After she went to be with the God she so devoutly believed in she came back to us in all of our great memories. One blessing we had, or maybe two, in choosing a headstone: 1) our cousins who had gone through burying their mother earlier in the year talked us out of making an immediate decision, and 2) even when we thought we were capable of making a rational decision the company that specialized in grave markers told us we had to wait until spring because the ground was still frozen otherwise we might have had pink granite because my sister insisted that was my mother's favorite color even though everyone knew she only told my sister that because my sister loved it so much. My sister finally admitted that she knew Mom was only humoring her when she was a pre-teen infatuated with pink, LOL. Hang in there. I know your Mom was wonderful and how much it hurts but hang on to your sister and the rest of your family because they know how great your Mom was too.

May was a while ago, of course that particular weekend has long since passed. I actually enjoyed the extra weekend he was here and realized that he is much less troubled when the only kid in the house. It turned out just fine. I stand by being annoyed that whatever BM says goes, and that my DH needs to stand up to her. Right now she's kept him the last two weekends we were supposed to have him. First she "forgot" the 4th of July was our holiday AND our weekend, took him across the state. The next time, DH was supposed to pick him up Fri @ 6 and she told us a few days before she was going camping and we needed to pick up Thur night or she would take him with her for the weekend. Grr...of course she took him because DH and I both worked that Friday. She did decide we could have him the following weekend, however, we already had plans for our "kid free" weekend..paid for reservations we weren't going to change because she decided. So we haven't had him for 6 weeks now. Same old same old....she decides everything. It bothers me I can't plan "family fun" weekends that include him, although I am feeling less and less guilty since it is his mother who is "keeping him" from us. By the calendar he should be with us tomorrow, and I'm kinda excited to see him. Who knows though, I haven't heard if he's really coming or not. For what it's worth, I was not TOW. My DH did not leave her for me. Her and I are the same age. I don't believe my DH tries as hard as he should to stay involved in SS's life (school, sports) but I also see how difficult she makes it to be involved. I cannot negotiate the terms of their parenting. If DH asks my opinion I'll share it with him, but I am really focusing on "minding my own business". I have my own kids to worry about. *****BIG THANKS to you ladies who didn't think I was a monster for enjoying a sleep in, an hour away from Disney Channel, and most importantly the time off from bickering and deciding what to make for dinner that everyone likes. :)

rspiegel, being a motherless daughter myself, I hope to be able to give some insight (I am now a step-mom as well but out of divorce). While I was more open to the idea of my father finding someone, my sister objected to EVERYONE no matter what by making EVERYONE'S life miserable (only now is she beginning to accept our step-mother), and my brother just steered clear of everything and everyone. I think what needs to be clear in the father's mind is that you will become the girl's mother only if she wants it, if not the best approach would be to simply be a female presence in her life. I know I greatly appreciated it... One mistake ALL but my step-mom made was to try to buy us. We got a ton of presents out of it (not that my dad was a dating machine, he was simply a widower for many years and women just seem to LOVE him); my sister rejected all the gifts while I accepted both mine and hers (shame on me)! Different reactions to a behavior we both saw through. The other thing that happens is that, if all was good pre-death, the image of the mother will get more and more perfect... so it might get difficult at times for dad's new love. The biggest thing that helped me as a child and that has helped me now with my step-children is open communication between me and the children but more importantly between me and my husband (as my dad was and is with his wife). Problems come up when things are not said and thus misinterpreted or just amplified. But that goes with any relationship, I suppose. I think having a step-parent can be a really good thing, especially after years of having one parent: sometimes, without a sounding-board/partner, they go for the deep end and don't quite know left from right; at least that was the case for my dad (no offense to single parents; I have much respect and admiration for the category)! I cherish and value my step-mom; as much as she may drive me crazy sometimes, I do go to her to make sure that my father hears something that I have already told him. She is a good friend to me... My husband wanted me to be the mom to his children in our family... but they already have a mom! Granted, I have taken on many of the responsibilities that would fall on a mother when the children are with us, but I also recognize that their "mom spot" in their heart is already occupied. Still, I am very happy that they have been able to create a "step-mom" spot for me! :o) Best of luck. I think dads are pretty cool guys to marry. :o) ...uhm, and by that, I mean unmarried dads!!!