Is it okay to just not feel any connection to a step-child?
reluctantsm
15 years ago
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poppy31
14 years agolast modified: 9 years agoserenity_now_2007
14 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
Any words of advice concerning child bed wetting?
Comments (34)My oldest wet his bed almost nightly until about 6 months ago. He's 13 1/2. I'd wake him up and literally walk him to the bathroom, where he'd stand there and sway back and forth, go walk into his closet, pee in there, then head back to bed. Sometimes he'd use the trash can. He'd have no memory of it in the morning. He was such a heavy, heavy sleeper. Sometimes it was best just to leave him in bed, at least I knew where he had the accident. We all laugh about it now, but he had the same problems, couldn't have sleep outs or sleepovers. Even now if he's going to sleep out, he won't drink anything after 7:00. He's still a very heavy sleeper. I had the same problem as a kid, so did his dad. And we were both heavy sleepers as kids. My son, also, unfortunately inherited my bladder size, so that doesn't help. The pediatrcian just advised that we wait it out and didn't give medication. I worry so much about my kids taking medications, and since this wasn't anything physically painful, we decided to wait it out. It took awhile, but things are fine. My younger two never had a problem, and both have bigger bladders than I do, I swear. They're not as heavy sleepers as the older one. Good luck. I know how frustrating it can be (daily stripping of the bed, frustrated child). Personally, I'd try to wait it out if you can, although I don't believe the medication has any side effects you should be concerned about....See MoreStepChild and Rules
Comments (10)Hi everyone, Now you get to hear it from the Boyfriends perspective. (Madisons Boyfriend/future Husband) I'm 34 and have been divorced for 7 years now. I took custody of my son because of abuse on his mothers behalf 3 years ago. Much of what you all have said in the way of advice is horrible. Considering the very limited information you had to work with. She was asking for advice (Tips for the POSITIVE) to make things WORK and how to amicably solve problems that all Stepfamilies go through. What you have given her is basically No hope at all. I have to wonder if some of you were at the painfull end of a stepfamily relationship and therefore give advice based on your own or close friends experiences. Or maybe too much Dr. Laura radio time. First of all, I am not a typical guy. I've spent the last 7 years celibate and waiting for something more than just a ride to come along. Not a date, not nothing. You know why? Because it was important for me to finalize what had happened to me before. I know what I want and I am willing enough to compromise on ANYTHING to realize what most people don't and will never have. A loving, lasting relationship. Will all the bumps and pitfalls that come with that. I am more than mature enough to handle critcism and see my faults and my errors when they are pointed out to me. Even IF those issues are not really problems at all but a difference of lifestyle. You cannot treat or give someone grief over what used to be normal and acceptable before. You can only work on the rules of play. Which means that if something My son and I did before in fun bothers Madison, then we will work it out and make sure we respect her space. Vivian31, I can assure you, Its not only HIGHLY possible but a certainty that my disciplinary skills will change accordingly. You would have to understand our situation more than you do to say a comment like "it would seem HIGHLY unlikely". That comment only serves to scare Madison rather than give her what she is looking for, which is advice on how to approche me about these issues in hopes of finding solutions that will lead to success rather than failure. I have admitted to her that I have not been on the ball latly with my son when it comes to rules and regulations. Thats because I've NEVER had to until recently. My Son was always mindfull and kind and never gave me a hard time about doing what was asked. I really believe the issues that WE are facing with him are issues that are due to jealousy, hurt feelings and the Gigantic issue of CHANGE. His behaiviour recently is directly proportional to his age, the girlfriend he has and everything else a 14 year old goes through. Yes, I will have to get on him a alot more than i used to have too, but thats life. If the only thing I'm worrying about at this time is getting him to sit at the table and stay, clean his room, be courteous and watch his manners, I feel things are gonna be ok. For you to say this will bring dis-harmony is a bit of a no-brainer. Show me one stepfamily that hasn't had to deal with some dis-harmony and I'll send you a unicorn. The issue is not to prevent dis-harmony. Its to deal with it when it certainly will come. bnicebkind, This issue of a 14 year old hanging out with a 9 year old is no more an issue than if you were to say "Why is your 14 year old brother hanging out with his 9 year old brother". Thats how long and how close these 2 fellas are. I have to go cause my Baby calls, but I'd be happy to discuss this further with you and Madison on here. If only to help those in the same boat see how it CAN work with patience and understanding. See ya soon.........See MoreAnyone have any happy, successful step parent/child experiences?
Comments (7)After lots of hard work, yes. We're 20 years into this marriage. When we married (2nd for both), I had a 14 yo daughter, he had 5 and 10 yo sons. Within 3 yrs we had one more son and one more daughter. Needless to say, we both worked full time. The first years were hell. My daughter was a princess and was not thrilled about the male invasion or the loss of our "Gilmore Girls" lifestyle. She was - to be charitable - difficult for the first year or so... she loved my husband, but hated the change in lifestyle. Thankfully, her acting out was limited and her girlfriends all loved the idea of babies and a big family and being part of the herd; peer pressure was in our favor. The s-sons were a challenge. They were with us every other weekend, 6 weeks in the summer, and most school vacas. There were many issues - lack of personal hygiene, disrespect, walking away from their messes, plus throwing footballs, baseballs, etc in the house - often directly at breakables... intentional damage disguised as accidents (that came to an abrupt end when they mistook one of their father's prized possessions for mine). Much of our trouble was fueled by their mom - she gave them permission to call my daughter and myself D----- B--s... "because that's what they are!", they would chew their food at meals and spit it back on the plate... "It's a game we play at home - my mother says we can do it here if we want." They were not big fans of soap, shampoo or water - clean clothes were unheard of ( they would arrive with a bag of dirty clothes) and the younger one even arrived one time with an awful rash on his 'lower extremities' that the doctor said was strictly from filth! The younger one actually went through a spell where he would not use toilet paper; he wiped whatever on the walls!!! I cried with relief many times as soon as they went out the door and headed for home. My husbands guilt was enormous; his fear of alienating and losing his kids was crippling. I was afraid to rock the boat or come across as a witch and I didn't want to undermine my husband. Ultimately, after many terrible arguments, we came to the conclusion that we were not presenting a united front. We also came to realize that my daughter and I were really fringe issues. The core problem was the boys lack of respect for my husband and his condoning their disrespect and their behavior by catering to them. He also realized that the problem had become so significant that he was well on the path to destroying his relationship with them by virtue of his behavior. Kids instinctively smell fear and they know just how to leverage weakness. We had many family meetings where we invited their input but made clear that we set the rules. It took a long time (and a lot of tears) before there was any progress, but it happened. I think ultimately the boys stopped being so angry when they recognized that they were hurting themselves as much as (maybe even more than) anyone else and expending a great deal of energy doing so. Over time, they started to become more objective - sometimes a little embarrassed - and they eased into our routine. I found that "the more the merrier" helped - we encouraged each of the older kids to bring friends along and we kept them busy  we went many places with two strollers and as many as 8 other kids between 7ish and 16ish? The herd/peer thing takes them into a world of their own where their behavior reflects on and impacts them - it's not about the parent/step parent. The kids are now 33, 30, 24 and the Âbabies are 18 and 17. All the kids are doing well. The older 2 have long since finished college and have good jobs. Number 3 is in his last year of college; number 4 started college this fall and number 5 is the only one still here at home (and we're broke, needless to say). I am not the boys' mother, but we have developed pretty decent adult-to-adult relationships. They come to me for advice and the older one asked me to do a reading at his wedding. Our first grandchild is due this month. We all consider ourselves to be family. The kids do not think in terms of step and half sibs - they are brothers and sisters and are insulted when someone outside corrects them on the legal status of their relationships. The boys mother has backed off significantly, but has not given up. She has worked very hard to gain the allegiance of D-I-L and recently let me know that she was the babyÂs real grandmother. It has been a great deal of work and I sometimes wonder if I would have done it if I knew how difficult and painful it would become. After all the ups and downs and all the noise and confusion, we now find ourselves having to adjust to a new and much quieter life, and to each other. Our oldest recently reminded us that we had never been/lived together without kids - I guess that will be our next adjustment/ challenge!...See MoreToo quiet step-father makes my children feel disliked
Comments (6)OMG! I just HAD to post to this one. You sound as if you are telling MY story! I posted my own question a couple weeks ago regarding the same type of man. I can tell you from first hand experience that this guy is not going to change. If anything things will only get worse from this point on. I know that's hard to hear and not what you want to hear. I've been there. I too was wishing for advice or some magic potion to make him 'see' what he was doing. I blamed myself, I hated the way he treated my kids. I let it go on for way to long. I kept hoping and wishing that one day I'd wake up and things would be different. I did finally wake up but looking back I know I should have gotten out a long time ago. Sweetie... for YOUR sake and YOUR KIDS, GET OUT of that situation. Start now preparing to move on with your life. I can tell you that it's only going to get worse. I'm speaking from experience here. I finally did something about my situation. I filed for divorce (yesterday) and he moved out. I can't even express the calm and the peace I feel with him out of the house. My children simply glowed this morning. It's only going to get better for us I just feel it. Granted it's going to be tough financially but hey.. it's worth it to have that man out of our house. Above all else, don't blame yourself. The best thing you can do for your children is show them that no human being has to settle for that type of behavior. It's simply unacceptable. I made up so many excuses over the years for my husbands behavior. Always telling the children just to stay quiet and out of his way when he was home. We were prisoners to his paycheck. So scared that we couldnt make it without him. But I reached the point to where I wasn't scared of that anymore. It scared me more to think about what he was doing to my children's mental well being. I tried everything to get my husband to see what he was doing. He was so deep in denial that he would never admit to being the problem or even having a problem. It was 'all the kids fault' and my fault because he had no interactions with the kids. I'm talking... This man wold walk right past us on his way out of the house or into the house and not even look in our direction. He didn't even acknowledge our existance!! I never understood how he could not even speak. I thought how rude! Well, it's his loss. I hope the silence in his new place is killing him. Meanwhile my house is filled with laughter. It feels like we've come out of a long winter. Even the sunshine is brighter today. If you'd like to email me you may do so at lacey2010@yahoo.com If I can do anything to help you, even if it's just listening please email me. I know first hand how difficult that type of situation can be. I know what it feels like to have your heart torn out day after day wishing,hoping and praying for even the slightest glimpse of hope that something is going to change. The sad truth is... men like these never change. I'll keep you in my prayers and hope that you'll email me....See Morepoppy31
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reluctantsmOriginal Author