I have been a sm for almost 13 years. My sd was adopted at birth and is now 21 and will be graduating collage this year. Dh was husband number 4 and 13 yrs younger than ex-wife who is very angry and manipulating (money, etc.). That stopped after dh and I got married because he did better with the manipultion. Bm would call dh at work and start yelling. We lived 4 1/2 hrs away but would fly sd down every 3 weeks like clockwork it worked great. Bm called the night before the first visit and canceled the trip with a lame excuse so we contacted and attn and boundries were set up.
Early years with stepdaughter were fine and she liked me. I tried very hard to be a good stepmom but as my sd got older it was apparent she did not like me (more passive agressive)and was jealous of bd. I realize it was the bm doing this. Sd pulled away after legal visitation ended (she was about 13 yrs old) and only came around for xmas just long enough to get her gifts and that would be about it. When she turned 15 1/2 here she comes for her car and got it. Our company (that we worked our butts off building)was just starting to make money and here she comes$$$$$! You could tell she did not like me and would manipulate to get her way and she was excellent at it. Almost scarey!

I understand why all of this happened. Dh and I did therapy and we were told that sd was spoild and we needed to set boundries with sd! I had had enough with sd and xwife. I was done and over it! Now, Sd was coming for visits as college was coming?? Oh Daddy! Daddy! But the first time a boundry was set she was gone for 3 yrs and did not invited dh to her high school graduation (the private school we paid for of course).

She used the opportunity of dh's mother's funeral to work her way back in because her college money was running out. Now dh is trying to create a relationship with her. He sees her a few times a year for dinner or breakfast since she lives so far away. I do not want to be around her (per therapist). Birth/adopted mother is angry with father and so is sd (what's new) but now the anger is coming my way. That is fine because I am out of it now.
My new problem to this complexed issue is that sd is now cultivating relationships with other members of dh's family and is saying bad things about me and bd. What do I say to family members when they bring her up so that I do not sound awful. I want to be the bigger person here and not sound mean. Sd is very convincing (she is good) and the family is going to hear that I am the problem. It seems very hard for outsiders to understand the dynamics of stepfamily.I feel scared and do not want to go around the family now. I haven't said anything. This is the first time I have voiced it. Any suggestions?

I would not confront her because unless you KNOW for a fact she said anything and what she said, you may end up looking like you are attacking her. Rumors are just rumors and if they are not true, then be the bigger person and let it go. But, I would not stay away from the family.