How can SM be the bigger person when adlt SD tells lies about her

15 years ago

This is long but my question is in the last paragraph if you do not have time to read all this.

I have been a sm for almost 13 years. My sd was adopted at birth and is now 21 and will be graduating collage this year. Dh was husband number 4 and 13 yrs younger than ex-wife who is very angry and manipulating (money, etc.). That stopped after dh and I got married because he did better with the manipultion. Bm would call dh at work and start yelling. We lived 4 1/2 hrs away but would fly sd down every 3 weeks like clockwork it worked great. Bm called the night before the first visit and canceled the trip with a lame excuse so we contacted and attn and boundries were set up.

Early years with stepdaughter were fine and she liked me. I tried very hard to be a good stepmom but as my sd got older it was apparent she did not like me (more passive agressive)and was jealous of bd. I realize it was the bm doing this. Sd pulled away after legal visitation ended (she was about 13 yrs old) and only came around for xmas just long enough to get her gifts and that would be about it. When she turned 15 1/2 here she comes for her car and got it. Our company (that we worked our butts off building)was just starting to make money and here she comes$$$$$! You could tell she did not like me and would manipulate to get her way and she was excellent at it. Almost scarey!

I understand why all of this happened. Dh and I did therapy and we were told that sd was spoild and we needed to set boundries with sd! I had had enough with sd and xwife. I was done and over it! Now, Sd was coming for visits as college was coming?? Oh Daddy! Daddy! But the first time a boundry was set she was gone for 3 yrs and did not invited dh to her high school graduation (the private school we paid for of course).

She used the opportunity of dh's mother's funeral to work her way back in because her college money was running out. Now dh is trying to create a relationship with her. He sees her a few times a year for dinner or breakfast since she lives so far away. I do not want to be around her (per therapist). Birth/adopted mother is angry with father and so is sd (what's new) but now the anger is coming my way. That is fine because I am out of it now.

My new problem to this complexed issue is that sd is now cultivating relationships with other members of dh's family and is saying bad things about me and bd. What do I say to family members when they bring her up so that I do not sound awful. I want to be the bigger person here and not sound mean. Sd is very convincing (she is good) and the family is going to hear that I am the problem. It seems very hard for outsiders to understand the dynamics of stepfamily.I feel scared and do not want to go around the family now. I haven't said anything. This is the first time I have voiced it. Any suggestions?

Comments (3)

finedreams
15 years ago
ask SD why she is spreading rumors and what is the reason behind it. I know it is hard to confront a person this way, but I guess you have to ask her directly. let her explain to you what excatly she does not like about you. see if she says anything.
imamommy
15 years ago
How do you know what she is saying, if anything? She has a right to have a relationship with her father's family and you can't control what she says... but you can control what you say or do. I would not say anything negative about her. If she is brought up, simply say "oh, that's nice." or some other pleasant response that doesn't imply how you feel one way or the other. You don't have to gush that you like her or spew 'your side of the story' to anyone. If she is talking badly about you, people are smart enough to figure out through how you present yourself, whether she is being petty or that she is the one with the problem.

I would not confront her because unless you KNOW for a fact she said anything and what she said, you may end up looking like you are attacking her. Rumors are just rumors and if they are not true, then be the bigger person and let it go. But, I would not stay away from the family.
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I can see why you're upset -- But I think I can also see why she's lying -- because BM wants her to. I suspect that saying horrible things about you to BM is the most effective way to get BM's undivided attention and expressions of concern, and that this, above all else, is what she's craving. She knows BM wants her loyalty, and saying bad things about you is her easiest way to demonstrate to BM that she has it. (The dirty dancing and boy-crazy emulation is another way.) Kids can tell when their parents want them to say horrible things about the other parent or stepparent, and SD is feeding her mom exactly what she thinks she wants to hear. And the trouble is multifold: - it makes her a liar where anything she says is suspect and nothing can be believed; - it makes her mom think you are awful and that she may need to take drastic measures to protect her DD; - it feeds whatever animosity is already there between you and BM and between you and SD; - it can result in CPS investigations, legal action and false accusations with real potential to harm; - and it can keep SD in a state of perpetual stress and turmoil where she knows she is acting without integrity and manipulating other people becomes a lifestyle. My heart breaks for this poor girl. Ima, do you think you could maybe get some of these admissions recorded on tape? In part, as a safety net for you, but also to share with BM, Grandma and the counselor, who may not know how much of what SD says is true. The other thing is that BM and Grandma must be made aware that this stuff isn't true. And also that SD is saying things about them that you realize are probably also not true. You must all curb your appetites for horror stories about the other parents and acknowledge that all of you parent figures must work together to help SD -- to stop feeding into her drama games. I have to confess I fell into a little of this same trap with DS -- alternating poor-parenting stories. And what finally worked was to call Ex, with DS in the room (about age 10?), and say "DS told me something that caused me some concern. I wanted to hear it from you if what DS said is accurate, or if he misunderstood." Then let Ex tell his side of the story. Then I'd thank Ex for his side, express support for his position (even when it was difficult), and tell DS that I was glad we were able to get this straightened out. Then I'd invite Ex to do the same thing -- to call me directly if he ever had cause for concern. Believe it or not, it actually worked, and it didn't take too long to expose how DS was playing both sides against the other.
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I would not let my dh treat my son (his ss) like that. I would bring my concerns to him and discuss it, whether he wanted to discuss it or not. Of course I would try to talk about it in a way where I was not completely bashing him. I would probably tell her that the disciplining seems to be getting in the way of their relationship and the only way you can see to mend things between them is if she becomes the "fun one" and you take care of all the discipline. Even if your dd acted like a brat at times it sounds like sm is holding some type of resentment and behaving very poorly. I know that being a stepparent is difficult and requires much more patience and understanding than being a parent. What does your wife's family say about her behavior with sd?
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I'm surprised you didn't leave a long time ago thurman. Knowing that your wife would take her over you. Its funny. But my husband and i were discussing power and relationships just last night because my sd was caught in a down right lie. A big one and in fact her own mother didn't know, found out during the lie because she got ont hephone with my husband and my husband was asking her wtf is going on? and she didn't know...they both figured out that their daugther was playing tag team. Oh boy. did her mother let her have it last night and her father let her have it. What i found sad is the main gutt feeling about my sd was completely confirmed last night. That i cannot trust her and that i was right to disengage from her a few years back and to make a stand with my hubby how i felt about her and where my future involving decisions about her stands. What i was proud of last night, was my husband standing up for himself and for our marriage. Thurman, if your wife never stood up for you, why did you stay? For me, i would never have stayed in a marriage if power lay in a childs hands. My dh andi discussed in detail that we agree that power will never lie in his daughters hands. Not even an inch..not a thread. Because its now in the open. She lied. And her own mother was shocked last night and pretty peeved. come ot think of it, i wouldn't be surprised if sd was the cause of problems for her marriage. My sd admitted to me once, i asked why do they fight, her answere' they fight alot because of me, because of what i do and say. Then why do you do what you do? sd' i dont know, but i dont liek him and i dont' care' So what do you do with that? i feel sorry for bm having to deal with that attitude...but she's a tough woman. im sure she handles it. I told my dh, what if the situation was reversed and your daughter didn't like me?, he said its her tough, i'm married with you and she will grow up as well and marry someone as well. That's life. But that is reality thurman. Your wife doesn't stand by your side. Why did you stay?
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organic_maria
15 years ago
Maggie you obviously do not have any relationship with her and refuse because you honestly do not like this adult woman. Thats fine andyou are doing the right thing to keep far away from people such as her.
You Dh continues his relationship without any hindrance from you and you do not interfere with the relationship. Agian...very good.
BUt if she does go around sayng things behind your back and IF a family member approaches you and asks you this and that and you find out that she has lied and manipulated the situation then you confront this adult head on and do it in frotn of the entire family and set the record straight that you have never interfered etc..etc..and any issues she and her mother have are her own issues and to keep it to themselves because its not nice to lie to family members. You do not have contact with her and therefore anythign she does say in the near future is obviously fabricated.
I do not know details of your situation..maybe both of you went rocky when she hit her teens but it does sound that she is spoiled and the bm has anger issues that were never let for for so many years. There are some bm out there that do not get over their failed marriage and use their kids as weapons because that is the only thing they hav at their disposal. BUT she is not a child. She is an adult and if you feel she has overstepped her boundaries and find out for a fact..a fact....not just feelings...that she is badmouthing you behind her back and then you confront her and the family and set the record straight.
BUt you have ot know for a fact. You cannot go out on a whim and just assume. I know you dont like her or trust her and you sya she's manipulative but if you have nothing ot hide and have always stayed true on your road and are an honest nice person then i think family members will see through her lies and manipulations. Especially if they know you have no contact all these years.
If family members ask about her you say you don't know. You are not in contact with her and that your DH would know since he meets her for dinners...thats all. Be honest. You don thave to voice out that you do not like her or trust her.

How can SM be the bigger person when adlt SD tells lies about her

Comments (3)

finedreams

imamommy

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