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Need help figuring this out

Posted by lovehadley (My Page) on
Fri, Feb 6, 09 at 9:27

My SS is usually, overall, kind of cold to me. He will occasionally hug me or tell me he loves me but not often. He is just kind of neutral towards me, and I am probably similar. I hug him and tell him I love him every night before bed, but that's pretty much the extent of any physical interaction we have.

He has been disrespectful/mouthy to me in the past but DH has been *better* about putting a stop to that. I don't take that personally so much because I have heard SS around his mom and he is WAY worse to her, and he's also mouthy with DH at times, too.

I am almost NEVER alone with JUST SS. For example, every other Saturday when he is with us, DH works, and I have both the kids from 9-6. Here's the thing, though----when my DD is not around, SS morphs into this sweet, talkative, friendly kid with me. DD has an acting class from 10-11:30 every Sat. SS is SO friendly to me when she is not there.

Same thing this morning--my DD had a Father's Breakfast at her school this AM, so I got my SS ready for school, etc. while they went to that. Since it was just the two of us, he was SO sweet and friendly.

So I am thinking his coldness to me has something to do with jealousy of DD? Maybe he feels it is not his place? I don't know! Any ideas?


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Need help figuring this out

My younger brother had 2 older sisters. He didnt even start talking till he was 3 (he now has Phd). I wouldnt worry, keep hugging him. Some children are less huggers.


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RE: Need help figuring this out

Is it possible that your SS feels that to show you affection in front of others is being disloyal to his original family? Sometimes kids feel that if they love a step parent they are being hurtful to their bio parents.


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RE: Need help figuring this out

I'm probably not going to be much help but my SD does the same thing on Friday afternoons. If her mom can't be here to get her from school, I go pick her up and wait for BM to get here. From the time she is picked up until her mom gets here, she is 'my best friend'... even if she barely mumbled goodbye to me that morning. I have surmised that she is doing that because she wants her mom to show up and see how great she gets along with me since it makes her mom jealous to see that.

In your SS's case, I think it may be that he is not comfortable being affectionate or friendly around your DD. Maybe he feels threatened by her or doesn't want to step on her toes, like he's 'taking her mom' and so he backs off. There can be so many reasons why he does that but you should probably take him aside and talk to him alone about how you feel... let him know you like when he is more affectionate and talks openly and it confuses you when he is cold around everyone else. When he is acting cold, you can ask him 'did I do something to upset you?' and he may just snap out of it. I think the best way to get to the bottom of it is to talk to him about it directly and ask him how he feels and share how you feel.


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RE: Need help figuring this out

my nephew used to never hug, never kiss, talked very little to anyone, never show affection and never wanted to accept affection. my mom and I worried about him. he is 19 now and in college. he always gives me and everyone else a hug and a kiss, is very friendly and talkative and affectionate. overall fun to be around and we could never imagine he will be like that. so things change with age.


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RE: Need help figuring this out

I've never been affectionate. Even hand shakes kinda freak me out, LOL. All of my close friends know I'm not a hugger and give me crap about it still. I have a saying about my lack of affection but it's probably too crude for here ;)

I guess just let him come to you as he feels comfortable. The only thing I thought of was does your DD and SS get along? Maybe he just doesn't like to show affection to you in front of her?


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RE: Need help figuring this out

both my stepkids are like that. They are both really great when it is just the two of us - any more than that and they all get crabby. Maybe they think they are being cool or maybe they don't want DH to think they like you too much - as in more than him. I'd just say take advantage of the sweet times. It makes the crabby times easier to deal with.


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RE: Need help figuring this out

Our youngest acts out more when she feels like there's a need to compete for our attention. One-on-one, she's a gem. But sometimes when everyone is home, or if others are here visiting, she acts like a brat...I think just for attention. Maybe your SS is feeling like he needs to compete for your attention. It's nice that he gets some one-on-one time when your DD is at her theater class.


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RE: Need help figuring this out

hormones?
being cool to impress your daughter?


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