I would say that there are about twice as many adoptees searching than birthparents. Many birthmothers feel that they have no right to search, that they gave up that right when they signed over their children. That does not mean that they don't want a reunion. Birthparents are more afraid of looking also because the adoptee might not even know they are adopted. A birthmother knows that she is a birthmother. It is far better and easier for the adoptee to search. Birthparents usually just came to our meetings just for support or in case their child was there. I also believe that unless it is an open adoption, it is best to wait until an adoptee is an adult and better equipped emotionally to do the search. Teen years are hard enough to survive. Yes, the truth is worth knowing. Honesty is important. Done correctly even though the news may be bad, it doesn't have to mean sad ramifications that can't be dealt with. LOL If I knew all you wanted was a huge inheritance, I would not help you with a reunion. We are talking emotional well-being here. When I did a search with an adoptee, we had many a talk on all of the what if's, I made sure that an adoptee had someone to go to for councilling if necessary. There was follow-up. It is your sister's right not to do a search. I respect that immensely. Just as I haven't passed on much in the way of information to my twin because she doesn't want to know. I have a scrapbook made for her about our birthparents and how I have done the search and the details. If she ever wants to see it, it is hers. I did it just in case something ever happened to me and she changed her mind. If she never wants to see it, so be it. It is her right not to know. BTW, Birthmothers are very special people. They did the best they could at the time. It isn't an easy decision to make, and for all the birthmothers out there, I give you a huge hug. It is far easier nowadays to keep children and far more accepting. Years ago, there was no support.

re⋅gret⋅ta⋅ble /rɪˈgrɛtəbəl/ adjective causing or deserving regret; unfortunate; deplorable. re⋅gret /rɪˈgrɛt/ verb, -gret⋅ted, -gret⋅ting, noun verb (used with object) 1.to feel sorrow or remorse for (an act, fault, disappointment, etc.): He no sooner spoke than he regretted it. 2.to think of with a sense of loss: to regret one's vanished youth. noun 3.a sense of loss, disappointment, dissatisfaction, etc. 4.a feeling of sorrow or remorse for a fault, act, loss, disappointment, etc. 5.regrets, a polite, usually formal refusal of an invitation: I sent her my regrets. 6.a note expressing regret at one's inability to accept an invitation: I have had four acceptances and one regret. To Imamommy: I do appreciate your sincere reply and explanation....serioulsy I do. Unfortuantley, from your position, which is understandably based upon your Life's experiences, it is, in my humble opnion: lacking. This is especially true when you state it's all about YOU. Of course it's all about me...it's my posting, my question, my struggle, my family, and most importantly of all: my feelings. No matter how one "paints the picture" the viewer or in this case the reader, will take from it whatever it is they percieve, want or need to see; or perhaps are blind to see it for what it really is. I might add that the canvas may not be large enough for the artist to paint the whole picture. As for the "choice" hind site is always 20/20, but I don't think a divorce and raising 3 (innocent) children in a broken home and carting them back and forth between parents is a good idea. I didn't have an Aunt Bee to turn to and I didnt' like the idea of putting 3 kids into day care. To my x-wife's credit she agreed to consuling and too remain commited to raising our children together rather than apart. Sadly (regretably) things didin't work out. As for my children and how they feel, I know both clinically and from first hand experience how they feel, and I even know what their pattern's of behavior are, which is why: I've given up hope to any meaningful relationship; and question why I should even bother with "tradition" like this wedding. We all know that "traditions" are a long-established or inherited way of thinking or acting. Perhaps by going to this wedding there is some hope that these time honored events will provide an opportunity for some closure. God knows it's sorely needed. Lastly, if by chance I've failed to address or satisfy a question, or simply didn't agree with one's opinion, then let us part company with the knowledge that we can agree to disagree. I"m going to go and fix a hot cup of tea and I will drink that tea in honor of all of you, but most of all to Imamommy whose brush has put some color into the tapestry of my LIFE. Please join me.

Usually the kids are all very gracious about any gifts they get. Bm got ss a game for a game system he does not have. That is why he disliked the game. She had asked what to get him for Christmas and I told her what game system he had, but she got him this instead and said it was all they had at her work and if he didn't like it she could exchange it or get him the money. So that is why I was honest with her about it. (I tried to return it to a game store one day and brand new in the package they tried to only give me $4 without a receipt!) Myfampg: As for how the kids see their bm we are done making excuses for her behaviors. The kids are not stupid and we don't want them to think her behavior is a responsible way to parent. These kids will probably be parents one day and we don't want them to emulate her behaviors because we kept making excuses for her. BM lies to them all the time and blows the kids off for months at a time until her parents get on her case. A few of her bs excuses -"sorry I moved out of state without telling you and did not call for 10 months, but I was not around a phone at all during that time." -"I know I was supposed to pick you up that weekend 2 months ago but _____ was sick and I did not get a chance to call you." -"I didn't show up to take you shopping for your birthday and have your party because I texted and nobody responded so I just thought you were busy"(NO TEXT WAS EVER SENT) -"He is just cranky because he watched your brother and sisters all day" (as she is standing in our doorway and her bf is on speakerphone telling her that since she came to our house she can come home and pack her sh** and get the he** out of his house) How do we back bm up on these things??? We just let the kids express their feelings and we acknowledge their feelings. At times we make comments like "your mom needs to get her life together, but she does love you". That is really all we can say. I understand wanting them to be positive and see the good in everyone and in most situations we do try to do that. But sometimes the rose colored glasses have to come off and you need to see that a duck is a duck. A duck can not be a peacock because you wish it to be so.

Some days her mother seems fed up and is committed to making a change, but others she just seems passive and feels hopeless and lost as to what to do to motivate her daughter. And even other days she's "buddy buddy" with her. My wife came from a very rough childhood and essentially both her biological parents neglected/abandoned her. She was dealt a terrible hand. And I believe she still has trouble to this day knowing how to parent a child due to that. In many ways, she has overcompensated for her lack of love and affection in her childhood by being way too lenient on her daughter and not setting any boundaries/expectations or consequences for poor behavior either. And I've always been in an awkward spot as the stepfather, obviously. But I know I'm also responsible for not stepping up and establishing rules, etc come hell or high water. I just have so much resentment though for my stepdaughter and the fact that she at the very least, should have a conscience or basic respect for those that provide her with all her essential needs. But shows no gratitude at all. She's the most self-centered person I've ever met and I literally can't even look at or speak to her anymore its so bad. Just another small example of her selfishness and inconsiderate nature...my Dad, and basically the only "grandfather figure" (if you will) she has, just spent a week in the hospital after having a heart attack that almost killed him and then had open heart surgery. But did she ever once visit, or express interest, in going to visit him at the hospital which is right up the road? Of course not! Although the rest of us went multiple times and he asked about her several times. I'm literally going to go nuts if the situation doesn't change...and soon. I want a major change, even if that means kicking her out, for the sake of the rest of us.