I'm confused. You moved out & the kids tell her she should marry you so you move back, but then when they don't get their way, they say even if she marries you, they won't listen to you? It also sounds as if the dad is not helping the situation.... though mom is pretty much set in her ways in how she has raised the kids so far. To be honest, my opinion when I read the entire thing (along with wondering what you get out of the situation) is that you are not much more than an unappreciated unpaid babysitter. The fact that she would have a talk with you to find out what's going on, questioning your authority in front of her daughter, instead of telling the daughter that you are in charge & they can talk about it when she gets home... unless the daughter is claiming you are in some way harming her, mom should not be questioning your authority on her daughter's request. That tells the child that she is really in control because all she has to do is call mommy when she doesn't get her way & you will have to explain yourself. I wouldn't even do that to my paid babysitter. So many things you describe are so wrong on so many levels.... I don't have enough time to give my full opinion. Ultimately, it's your decision to stay or go, but if you leave~ my suggestion is to pay close attention to how women interact with their children before you allow yourself to get serious. It's a very hard thing to help someone change... almost impossible unless the person wants to change and asks for your help. Thinking you can step in and change a dysfunctional situation into a functional one because you have lived your life differently & think you can apply that to their life, will almost always backfire. Kids will almost always resent some stranger, no matter how much they might like you or think you're a nice guy, coming in & trying to change their way of life... not that some won't like changes for the better like a better standard of living, but when it comes to discipline... good luck! If they have been raised without it, they won't welcome it from a stranger. It was also probably a huge mistake to move in so soon. But it sounds as if the problem has existed long before you came along & are not going to get better without professional help. In my situation, even professional help has not made things better, but the first and most important thing is you and your girl getting on the same page. If you can't agree on what should happen, then the situation with her kids will never get better. Another option if you stay is to have her find alternate child care. It is not your responsibility to care for her children and if she isn't going to at least give you the same respect any parent should give their childcare provider, then let her find someone else. and taking her kids to do things they want to do should be based on many factors... like do you have time? do you have money for it? and do they deserve it? If they are not treating you well, why would you reward them by taking time from work & spending your hard earned cash on them having fun? The least they can do is treat you nice, anything less & they are learning to be entitled, which is really not good for them (or you) in the long run. That's my 2 cents for what it's worth.

"It sometimes feels like we're made to think that we're imagining things. But my S/D has now admitted to things she did that my wife vehemently denied was happening. Here's a classic one: my s/d did not like when my wife and I spending time together. She would try to divide us in some way...usually with some distraction. She denied doing it...my wife denied it was happening...but a few years later, in a moment of honesty and reflection, she admitted it." Very true -- It's easy to see how this happens... "Is it possible that your SD just wanted to spend time alone with her mother? And maybe SD picked up on feelings that you didnt like her?" Also true -- though I'd eliminate the 'just' as SD admitted there was an element of 'divide' in there. That's what's so heartbreaking about the whole dynamic. It starts with a small slight that's natural enough, but is interpreted through a critical light, then the seeds of hurt and resentment take hold and begin to grow. And now there's a self-feeding cycle... At some point, someone just needs to say "STOP! -- I think we've both got the wrong impressions of each other and have gotten our feelings hurt as a result of a whole long series of misunderstandings. Let's start over with a clean slate." Naive, I guess, but wouldn't it be nice?

I agree with what Cat said. I've been with my DH for 5.5 years, and we got married this past September. He has a 6 year old son, I have a 6 year old daughter. My DH's ex sounds very similar to your DH's ex. I can tell you it really is an up and down battle, a roller coaster ride, and I think the best you can do is protect yourself emotionally and set clear boundaries. I went through the years where I wasn't "allowed" to go to birthday parties or soccer games or Christmas programs and it was awful. Then DH started standing up for me and insisting that I be present, but BM (bio-mom) would do the same things you are describing. At one YMCA Christmas program when my SS was 3 years old, his mom told me and DH (thank GOD the kids were out of ear shot) that if I so much as LOOKED at her, she was going to "claw my eyes out." I really think she would have. Things have been constantly up and down. She would start being nicer to me and I would think we turned the corner, but then for no apparent reason she would flip out again and the drama would start all over. I finally, finally had to end all communication with her. I sadly have not attended any of SS's soccer games this fall because I refuse to put myself in a situation where I will be verbally abused or berated or insulted. As of right now, we do things with SS when he is with us (karate) and BM doesn't attend---so he hasn't noticed so much that I am "absent" from soccer because BM isn't at karate when he's with us. It is sad that my relationship with him is "limited" due to BM's personality, but--like I said--there are things I just won't tolerate. I can take the nasty looks or silent treatment, but no one will be verbally abusive and rude to me. It sounds like your BF is supportive and that's good. One thing to really be wary of is a man that just wants to "keep the peace." My husband ws like that for a long time (as in allowing BM to forbid me from attending events) and I finally had to say either stick up for US or I'm out... It certainly won't be an easy road, but I think you can do it. In some ways, it helps that the kids are older and more able to see the situation clearly, although I do think they will always "protect" their mom. That's natural. My SS was not even 2 when I started dating his dad, and his mom TRASHED me to him from the get-go. So he and I had a very rough road. It was really sad because you could (and still can) see the guilt/torment on his face, wanting to like/love me, but feeling like he was being disloyal to his mom by doing so. His mom still tells him, to this day, that he doesn't have to listen to me because I'm not his mom, and other such things...SIGH. Luckily, he is very intuitive and has matured a lot over the last few months and is becoming more certain about the fact that he does love me. He recently told his mom (while I was out of town) that he loved me and missed me and didn't care if that made her mad--WOW! She guilitiy reported this to my DH and the counselor. I tihnk the more you can do to not let BM get to you, the better. Some counseling for you and your boyfriend, if he's willing, is not a bad idea....just to figure out how to navigate these waters!

"Biological mothers can't win. If they ask about what the child did while at the father's house, they are accused of being nosy. I have read many articles/advice columns that advocate keeping the two lives completely separate, and that you should tell your child not to tell you about what went on at the other parent's house, unless it was dangerous of course. Don't bother saying that you should wait until they volunteer info - I would have no idea what my kids did at school, or on that hypothetical camping trip, if I didn't ask, especially once they became teenagers. If I didn't ask them how the camping trip or school was, they would give me a hard time about it, but most teenagers won't come home and tell you all about their day." I have three bio kids (teens & grown) and one SD that's 8. The problem isn't when you ask your bio child how their weekend was or what did you do or did you have fun? It's when it becomes an inquest for info that you can use against the other parent. Those are general questions and anything more is digging. If a child wants to tell you details, let them offer it but in doing so, realize that YOU have NO say in it. One parent has ABSOLUTELY no control over what the other parent does at their house. You may not like it or it may not be something you would do (or allow) but it's NOT your choice. The only way the other parent could call you "nosy" is if you pick up the phone and tell them what your child said to you. Otherwise, how would they even know what your child told you? I asked my kids, how was your day at school or how did you do on your test? and they would offer what they wanted. However, I didn't say "what did your teacher say in class?" "who sat next to you at lunch?" "what did you play at recess?" etc. When you dig for information, the kids know what you are doing and it makes them uncomfortable. Especially if they know you are going to call the other parent and they feel like they are getting their other parent in trouble. Keeping the two lives separate doesn't mean they are banned from talking about their time with their other parent. to tell a child to only tell you about "dangerous" things is ridiculous because you are asking a child to determine what is "dangerous". and your definition may be different than the other parent. If you want your child to be happy and feel comfortable talking to you about anything, let them say what they want and don't pry. When you hear something that concerns you, instead of picking up the phone (or writing them), relax and realize that the other parent loves their child and isn't going to hurt their child any more than you would. If you think that the other parent is out to hurt your child, that's a different story but it should be based on facts, not just because you don't like them. After all, at one time, you saw enough good in them to make a child with them. My SD lives with us full time now and her mom leads a very different lifestyle than we do. We don't agree with it but the reality is that we have no control over it. She lets her stay up all night playing video games, eat ice cream for breakfast, goes days without bathing or brushing her teeth, goes outside without a coat when it's cold (she comes back sick) and on and on. She has even slept with (and we think she had sex) with her boyfriend in the same room as both her daughters and the court did not think THAT was enough to change custody from 50/50 to us. Of course, three weeks after the trial, she met a new guy and moved away, signing over custody to us. She's a flaky person... but my point is no matter what you think of the other parent, you can't control what they do.