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A real outing with my boyfriends young son (long)

Posted by xlabrujitax21 (My Page) on
Mon, Feb 25, 13 at 5:18

Hi. I'm posting here because I'm nervous and while my boyfriend is amazing he seems to be rather vague on my concerns. Let me start from the beginning though. I am 23 years old with no children (but plenty of nieces and nephews ranging from 17months to 16 years old) my boyfriend is 21 years old, divorced and has an adorable soon to be 3 years old son. He married his sons mother when she was 5 months pregnant after much fighting between their families and them as a couple themselves. They were 19 when the baby was born. He doesn't like her, he barely looks at her when he picks up the baby from her house. And here's where the story gets jumbled. His side is that she lied about birth control following an accidental broken condom, that he was aware she had had abortions in the past and thought she would have learned "by now" this happened while they were "on a break" after being together for a few months. She offered to abort their child and he said that they could handle it. And they are quite capable as far as I can tell of being the best parents they can be, just not together. I've talked to her before, we are "friends" on facebook. I've already met their son. I drove them to their divorce and custody hearing along with her new boyfriend. It seems like a simple enough arrangement. But as time went on my boyfriend opened up more with some concerning details like her current boyfriend has only just turned 16, she let's the baby call her boyfriends (past and present) "daddy" even in my boyfriends presence and she once attacked a former girlfriend of my boyfriend. He wants to take the child away from her. Her father is a drinker, her sister is (insert complaint). He has concerns that their child will be marginalized should she and her current boyfriend have a child of their own. The issue being that she and her parents (where she, the baby and her boyfriend live) have primary custody. My boyfriend (a child of teenage marriage himself) doesn't have an on the book job, no high school degree, no credit, barely a place to live except the days he stays with me. I on the other hand have 2 college degrees, a high paying job, excellent credit and my own place with my autistic brother I care for. Now for the real reason I write to all of you. I have met his son over the past 6 or so months when picking up mail from the "bio moms" house (I hate the structure biological can be understood as because I'm adopted, a mom is a mom is how I feel) for my boyfriend or when we stop by a family member of my boyfriends but Ihave not actually interacted with the child as a small unit (just me, the child and my boyfriend) and its going to happen. In march. We are taking him to a local show for yo gabba gabba or one of those tv sing alongs, Iforget which one. I'm nervous because while he has seen me I usually just say hi and let him play with his father and then say good bye when we leave. I asked my boyfriend "what does he like?" "What does he eat?" And Iget no real answer just "oh whatever you plan will be fine" or "he's only 3 don't worry" but Ido worry. I have a chronic illness. I've never seen a real future with kids or anything. I never put real thought into except for the time I've been with my boyfriend, like maybe, 4 or 5 months in and for the last 6 months that Ihave seen the baby in passing. I am just so worried Imay do or say something wrong. I even talked to the mother about it (since she had to agree to it per their custody agreement) and she gave the same answer! My boyfriend talksabout our future with the baby and how we would be a perfect family and I think while my heart says that's more than what Icould imagine as perfect my brain reminds me Iam not and never with be the babys mother. His mother is not dead or neglectful or going to give up custody. And while she may be cool with me now Ifeel like it could change rapidly should their son and Ihit it off. I'm just not sure how much of this I'm making more stressful than needed or if Ishould worry about it. My mom says just act with him as Iwould my youngest nephews (from my oldest brother who LOVES my boyfriend) is she right? Can I treat him as Ido my nephews or should it be more or less because of the situation? The other thing Ifigured out from scouring google sites was to bring him a toy when Isee him so Igot him a light up owl in his fave color that you can write messages on that glow at night. I also made a small "travel" bag with some toy cars and coloring books and a small stuffed teddy. Is that too much? I ask my boyfriend and he just smiles and says "you're perfect" could he just be as nervous as I am? Or is it so second nature to him after 3 years that my concerns seem petty to him? Please help. I'm sorry this was so long and badly typed. My computer died and I'm doing this on my android. Thank you everyone!


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: A real outing with my boyfriends young son (long)

(OP edit) Oh Iremember the other important detail. My boyfriend is currently trying to get into a GED program so he can join the military in better standing. He wants to move into a place with me. He would be awarded jointcustody if he had a place that he can prove is safe and that his son has his own space. Which isn't a problem because Ido have an extra room now. But I also have an autistic brother (high end aspergers but needs care and supervision) I'm not sure how my brother and his son would work out and Iwouldnt want to put the three males through the change to have it not work it and someone or someones ending up displaced. I'm just at a loss of what to do. He talks about marriage and future children and pets and big houses and I think of bills and if Ihave a medical relapse and leaving children behind in the world and it makes me sad because Iwant to say, yes, let's do it, I love you and ill love your little boy with all my heart, deep down I have allowed myself visions of vacations and day trips and first day of school but Idont want to hurt anyone. I'm not sure if I'm really capable of being a primary figure in a childs life. Also I want, no, need to include the babys mother in all of our plans with the baby and he says the less the better but his less is a little bit of bending the truth to avoid a fight without realizing that if she finds out all hell will break loose. Like not taking the baby out of nj without 24 hour notice but he wants to "just go to sesame place" (in the summer) and worry about how she feels about it later.


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RE: A real outing with my boyfriends young son (long)

ok, first I think you're moving way too fast with this situation. Are you in love with this guy? And if so, is he your first love? I'm just asking because I think your answers will shed some light on the situation. There seems to be a lot of issues with this guy and his ex. And now she has a 16 year old boyfriend??? Do you really want to be a part of this scenario? You're an educated young woman and seems you're getting mixed up with someone with a lot of baggage. I'm not saying the little boy is baggage, but everything and everyone surrounding him. It's great that you want to be a surrogate mom figure to him, but I personally think this situation is bad for you personally. You also have to consider your brother, he comes first. While you have a right to be happy and have a life, don't do anything that jeopardizes his or your situation. A part of me feels that this guy you're seeing is using you. Sorry, be careful!


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RE: A real outing with my boyfriends young son (long)

It sounds like you are concerned that your BF is planning a future of the Brady Bunch. All you have to do is read on here to see that step families are not like the Brady Bunch.

Before you get all attached to this boy, you need to step back and let BF take care of his problems. You have your life together, he does not. You have responsibilities already with your autistic brother and health problems. Your BF needs to get a GED and a job before he even starts to think about custody. And he should not be relying on you to solve his problems.

You are right to remind yourself that you are not and never will be this boy’s mother. Your relationship with this child is contingent upon your relationship with his father. The stresses and responsibilities you already have in your life will make it very hard for you to take on another child.

It sounds like your BF thinks he can use you as a replacement for his son’s mother. You may not think that, you may say “Oh, I know I’ll never replace this boy’s mother.” But be careful, your BF may be the type of man that wants custody of their kids, and when they get it expect their GF/wife to be maid/ chaffer and cook for their child without any of the authority or say so in the child's rearing.

If BF wants custody of his son, he needs to do that on his own. Let him be a man and get his life together. He needs to get his own place and stand on his own two feet before you even consider letting him move in with you.

And don’t think just because he moves in with you and has a “place that is safe” that he will be awarded joint custody. While more and more men are getting more time with their kids, most of the time, the biomother has to mess up really bad before custody changes are even considered.


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RE: A real outing with my boyfriends young son (long)

1)--"while my boyfriend is amazing "--

a) --". My boyfriend (a child of teenage marriage himself) doesn't have an on the book job, no high school degree, no credit, barely a place to live except the days he stays with me

2)--"And they are quite capable as far as I can tell of being the best parents they can be, just not together"--

b)----"she and her parents (where she, the baby and her boyfriend live) have primary custody

3)--"He wants to move into a place with me."--

c)--"He wants to take the child away from her"--

4)--"he says the less the better but his less is a little bit of bending the truth to avoid a fight without realizing that if she finds out all hell will break loose. Like not taking the baby out of nj without 24 hour notice but he wants to "just go to sesame place" (in the summer) and worry about how she feels about it later."--

d) you forgot to give me a quote for this one which should have read 'He has zero zip repsect for a CO, a judges ruling, and/or give a flying flick what anyone, including YOU think about it'.

There, I tried to put reality for your situation as clear as day using your own words...I just left out all the mumbo jumbo sideline concerns you included. Do yourself a favor and stay clear of involving yourself anymore deeply into this sad situation. Date the guy if you feel you must, take Jr on fun afternoon outings (think of it no differently than if you were taking one of your nieces/nephews for a fun day), feed the child something simple off a menu where there is likely to be something kid friendly he'll enjoy...but do not let this guy move in and do not get attached to this child. This guy and the child's mother have a lot of growing up to do...there is not a stable happy future in it for you. And if the guy is serious about full miltary status, the guy will be not even around to deal with the mess he's trying so hard to create.

You're a young, educated funcationing adult, have a big heart and a chance to find a real amazing man and a bright and happy future...don't settle for the first fish that swam by.


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RE: A real outing with my boyfriends young son (long)

(OP) No I do not think I am inlove with him. And he wouldn't be my first love but I think you both are right. I sort of knew what you both are saying anyway Iguess I just wanted someone else to tell me that it all sounds crazy because my parents and siblings love my boyfriend so they say things like "give it a chance" "he had a hard life don't just drop the ball." Also I think you are right, at first it was more us but now that I think about it, once I answered with "I dont mind if we go see your son" its been baby this and future that and wanting to make a million adjustments to my life and not many to his. Also correct, he may want custody but he should put his own pieces back in the puzzle. I don't know anything about custody laws and stuff so I only can take what he says but I guess the time has come to have ...I dont even know. A nice conversation with my boyfriend pointing out I worked hard my entire (teenage to now) life because I may not be around as long as the average person and I also have a dependant child (sort of) to look after. It just sounds bad and a little selfish and I hate sounding like the bad guy. But you guys are right. I'm going to have to do what's best for my brother, my health and myself first. Oh and as far as the ex's current 16 year old boyfriend. He is emancipated. As if that somehow makes it better. Legal. But he's still a teenager either way. Thank you both.


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RE: A real outing with my boyfriends young son (long)

Ah, yeah, that doesn't sound so kosher when you bullet point all of it. Thank you. I think you are right. He needs to step up first and I may need to step back and maybe just step away.


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RE: A real outing with my boyfriends young son (long)

Ah, yeah, that doesn't sound so kosher when you bullet point all of it. Thank you. I think you are right. He needs to step up first and I may need to step back and maybe just step away.


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RE: A real outing with my boyfriends young son (long)

(OP) He is coming tonight to have a conversation. Thank you everyone

This post was edited by xlabrujitax21 on Mon, Feb 25, 13 at 16:57


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