Step father spanking, leaving bruises
justplaincountry
10 years ago
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colleenoz
10 years agoRelated Discussions
Spanking children at home
Comments (50)I'm new to these forums & just read this whole thread. As someone else said "whew!" -- a lot of reading. I also agree with several people that any discussion that sparks us all to think is quite useful. So, my 2 cents on spanking: It's "simply" not a simple issue, as evidenced by the ongoing debates. It also can not be a simple "to spank or not to spank" question. As others have noted, there is a wide spectrum out there. Consider a scale starting with "non-painful swat on the rear, administered after telling the child that if they don't stop X, they'll get a swat," to the other end, which would be some type of painful contact, with no explanation or warning. Now on top of THAT, factor in the rest of that child's relationship with the parent. Does the parent spend time with that child, tell them that they love them, read to them, hug them, etc, etc? Or is the parent critical, yelling, no affection, etc, etc? I would rather be raised by a parent who told me they loved me, were proud of me, had high expectations of me, but understood that we all make mistakes, who hugged me, and who also gave me a very few pre-warned attention-getting swats ... as compared to a parent who shows little caring or cherishing, who put me down or called me stupid, but who happened to never spank me. I hope that made sense. This is why, to me, this issue can never be "to spank or not." It has to be discussed within the whole parent/child relationship, and that is unique for each of us. I was raised by parents who treated me as I first described (loving, with few well-deserved, but non-painful swats). That's why it's harder for me to relate to the opinion that "spanking is always wrong." My husband & I have 2 kids, ages 9 & 11, who we did spank a few times as preschoolers (in the manner I described above). Other things that got their attention were time outs and temporarily-lost priveleges -- always with an explanation as to why the behavior was not appropriate. I would guess that my kids got maybe 5 spankings each (defined as a "swat-swat" on their clothed rear with my hand) when they were little (under 5-ish). As they get older, lost priveleges become a much bigger deal to them ... In my opinon, one of my jobs as a mom is to teach my kids correct behavior, and also teach that if they KNOW that something is wrong, and they do it anyway, then there are consequences (which they are also aware of in advance). If the kid knows what is right behavior and why, yet still does the wrong thing, then I believe they should get the consequence that they've been told about. Whether that consequence is a swat, or no dessert tonight, or "OK, then, I told you we'd have to put the toy away if you kept doing ..." whatever. Administered in this way, I feel that spanking is no more harsh than any other attention-getter, like time-outs or lost priveleges. In my opinion, spanking can teach "I'm bigger than you, so I can punish you by hurting you" --- if the parent allows that to occur, by leaving out all the other factors (loving relationship, explanations, etc). In the same way, a time-out or a lost privelege could teach, "I'm bigger than you, so I can force you to sit there, or I can take stuff away from you." It's all in the context! When I was little, I learned that my parents really meant it when they said, "Don't open the door to a stranger," because they loved me & didn't want me to get hurt. (I got my maybe 10th & final spanking for that one, and yes, I do remember it. Not the spanking -- it didn't hurt -- but the concern in my mom's voice, and I remember how bad I felt disappointing her.) I also learned that my parents were pretty darned consistent -- if they said there would be consequences, there were, and I understood why. My parents weren't perfect, and neither are my husband & me. But I do know that I was loved, and I'm quite certain that my kids do, too, even though we did spank them a few times when they were younger. Sorry so long! Hope this train of thought sparks more people to think. IMO, as long as our kids know we love them, and know why we set boundaries, and know why there will always be consequences for broken boundaries, then we're doing that part of our parenting job pretty well. TXMoose...See MoreThe Step-grandson Problem
Comments (18)LCaroline...it's not not wanting to raise a grandchild, step or biological, that's not 'popular'.It's the cold hearted attitude about an innocent child that you seem to delight in baiting with that is not 'popular'. --"I don't want to get involved in this situation and I don't give a damn about the kid other than the fact that I don't want it in my house".-- You don't give a d*mn about a child being abused. Your husband cares, but not enough to rat out his son. A drunken abusive child beater. --"he really doesn't want to call childrens' services due to his fear of getting his son in trouble-- "My husband is worry that the boy will be put in foster care if the beatings are discovered."-- For Pete's sake, do the child a favor and pick up the phone yourself before the drunken fool really hurts the little boy. Why instead run to a forum? You have a computer, look-up your state's child abuse hotline number and dial it. I seriously doubt you have anything to fear that somehow the child will be placed with you...one home interview with you and child protective services will flee from you in a d*mn big hurry....See MoreI hate my step daughter
Comments (31)Black Susan, I want to thank you for being brave and expressing your true emotions. Those judges who have not walked in your shoes should be banned, but I guess that makes a forum. I am living your life! I have a BPD SD 18....when I hear her voice, I cringe. She is so evil and devious. Her mother was also BPD and just commit suicide in March. I too love my husband but can also envision my life far away from them. I sometimes feel trapped in hell. I stumbled upon this form because I was in search of Daughter/father odd relationships. A friend brought to my attention that the BPD SD is probably jealous. She is also 95% of the reason we fight. Whenever a fight erupts, SD is right by her father in weird ways. When we are not fighting, she does what she can to get him alone. We have four children combined (all teens) and none have this issue. I once had serious concerns but watching carefully, it was SD who was trying to be more than close. I've been with them for 12 years now. The stories I could tell!!! I'm either weak or gluten for punishment. I have tried so many things. I've researched BPD, gone to therapy, family therapy....Just recently in the past year, people have seen the real monster. Just after her mothers suicide, things are making more sense to my husband. I too am on other forums, specifically for BPD....so much compassion for the disease!! These parents take a beating over and over. This is not my kid and I should be able to place boundaries, yet I am stopped and MUST tolerate because of her illness and because of the guilt her father feels. The bio mom sexually abused her and she was in foster care 3 weeks before released to her father. Uggh! So much to say...I'm sure you all have similar stories. I've had it! I know why you had an outburst. I've been there. The lies, the deceit, the con artist is enough to drive you crazy! For the past few years, I record anything that has to do with HER....she lies so much and I am always on defense. I used to just stay quiet when family would ask about our situation. I flat out give the truth and I don't care anymore. One of her goals is to go live with a wealthy aunt. (she was there a year and screwed that up). She has literally threatened me that if I tell her the truth of what goes on here, she will make my life more miserable. Entitlement!!! You earn privileges!! She graduated from a dump school and feels she gets a big party.....I refused to be involved. My house is invaded. I would love to hear from all of you who are experiencing this pain. I understand the anger, resentment and frustration. Krystal...See MorePlease help me with my step child!
Comments (14)I am in a relationship with my boyfriend who has a 5 year old girl. She comes from a VERY privileged family who think they are above everyone else. When she can't have something she screams and gets what she wants. Recently my boyfriend has had the 2nd court case and alot more access to her and instead of 2 days of play he is having much more time with her and has given her discipline where needed but she screams and carries on until he backs down because he doesn't want to be the bad guy. As for me, I try not to discipline her because I want to create respect, but last night I broke when it felt like all my love and fun and kindness was thrown out the window when she said to her Dad in a fit of fury that she wanted him to get rid of me, this all stemmed from her not being able to sit in the front seat of the car. Once in the back, She kicked the back of my car seat and had a tantrum. My boyfriend disciplined her then took her back to her mother and they had a talk and she wants them back together, which is a normal thing, but my dilemma is HOW do I treat this child now. The daughter is learning bad traits such as racism and high class traits that are turning her into a spoilt brat. Should I just not give her any energy wether it is good or bad and just step back? I talked to my boyfriend about it today and he said to try that, but it is harder to give nothing than to give love and support and then on the other hand be emotionally effected when she turns her anger on me. I welcome any thoughts on this subject please. Thank you Megan...See Moresylviatexas1
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