My SD33 was 13 when my DD was born. She lived with us and was present during as much of the birth as possible. I wanted to bond her with DD as much as possible so we had her in the room while I was laboring. I had planned to have her there through out the birth but there were complications...... She lived with us for about 4 more years after DD was born. We NEVER had her babysit for DD. I thought that would be the best way for SD to resent DD and I didn't want that to happen. For either of their sakes. I made sure that DD stayed out of SD's bedroom as well. If SD wanted DD to come into her room that was fine but I respected SD's privacy where her little sister was concerned.

It does sound like your SD is being taken advantage of and it is a legitimate question that you raise.....What do they do when she isn't there?

Some people don't seem to see anything wrong with having other children in the family look after younger ones. This seems to be beyond the looking after point.

What does DH say about it and would he mention it to BM? Perhaps SD will decide she doesn't like to visit quite as often. I could see my kids making other plans at her age if they had to "Babysit" all of the time when they visited their dad.

We've never made the girl babysit the boy--of course she's only 3 years older than him.

Now, at mom's house, SD (now 17) has babysat their younger brother (6 years younger than her) plenty of times. Matter of fact, they had a little drama there this past fall and the girl considered coming to live here, but eventually decided that she would stay there until school was over (she's a senior) because she didn't trust her mother and stepdad to take care of the boys! So she's there until the end of the school year--and then she hasn't made up her mind what she's going to do. She may come here. She has a long-term boyfriend. Who knows?

I'm just happy that she'll be able to make her own decision. She's a good kid. I'm very proud of her. It's just a shame that mom and stepdad have made such a mess of things that she feels like she's the only one capable and put all that pressure on her.

It sounds eerily familiar... Of the kids' four parental units, I KNOW that I'm the only one with a lick of sense. These other three people ARE idiots (including my DH) when it comes to the kids.

I wouldn't consider once in a while babysitting a huge problem, but having no confidence in the parenting skills of your mom and stepdad is.

Someone I know told me that her mom and step dad used to do this to her. They also had a baby when she was around 13. Not only was she responsible for caring for the baby, but she said that to play sports or participate in after school activity's, the only way she was allowed, was if she brought the baby with her and watched over the baby while she was participating in the sports!!! That she was responsible for the child! She said she tried to do it for awhile because she really, really wanted to participate in sports, but that it got too hard once the baby was walking. She said it was embarrassing that she had the kind of mom and step dad that not only did not bother to watch her in games, but did not even bother to watch their own baby, so that she could actually play the sport.

She is now grown up and is not close to her mom at all. She said she is really close to her dad and (step mom who she says is awesome)!!!

As that baby grew up, her mom and step dad only cared about that child. Everything was for her. Their first daughter would get no lunch or lunch money, but the little one would get everything.

I don't think the relationship with her mother will ever be repaired. Too much hurt and pain and favoritism.

Wow, that sounds really wrong to me, too.

I don't see a problem, like you said, with saying "hey, can you keep an eye on your sister for 15 mins while I take a shower, or run down to the basement to throw a load of laundry in..."

But it sounds like they are treating this girl as a live-in nanny. IMHO, this isn't even a stepchild issue---although I can certainly see how treating a stepchild this way would breed resentment towards the other child. But I don't even think a biological child who lives in a nuclear fam with mom and dad should be responsible for a younger sibling so much. This little girl is 13 and that is really not that old! I would not hire a 13 year to babysit my DD because I just wouldn't feel comfortable with it. At that age, regardless of how mature and responsible she may be, she doesn't have the decision-making skills that an adult should have. Watching the toddler for 15-30 mins is one thing, but being solely in charge while mom and SF are working or sleeping is just not okay.

Can you talk to your DH about it and maybe he can mention it to BM? I just don't think it's fair or even really SAFE to expect your SD to be the constant babysitter. Bless her heart. :( How does she feel about it?

No, you are not wrong.

I think it is OK to babysit on occassion and help wiht younger siblings. But there is a big difference between helping here and there or completely taking care of your siblings while parents sleep late!!!ridiculous! I heard some parents do it to their children.

DD has 2 yonger brother, one is 12 years yonger than DD, and the other one is 20 years younger. When she is at dads, she spends time wiht her brothers because she misses them when she is not around, but this is very different from parenting your siblings. My X and SM would never ask her to actually take care of her brothers while X and SM sleep or rest. Never. That's certainly not her job.

Yes, SD is being taken advangate of, IMHO. I assume you and DH would be willing to have her for mor time. While I beleive in the you cant make rules for the other house, this goes over the line if SD cant sleep at night (wiht baby in room) or doesnt have time to do homework, which it certainly appears that the former is happening. My personal opinion is also that 13 is too young for extended primary care of 2YO. Its one thing for 13 (if she is eow) to have to share a room with 2YO if there are no extra rooms, but that clearly is not the intent here.

DH should speak to mom and say this is abuse and neglect of BOTH kids, and there has to be a better plan. He should say occassionally watching 2YO is one thing, this is indentured servant. To me, either SD is old enough to look after kids, and then she is also old enought to tell a judge where she wants to live, or she should isnt old enough to take care of a child.

I'm on the computer a lot, but I dont have a 2 YO.

I would have your dh tell bm something along the lines of
"DD does not like taking on the responsibility of her younger sibling while you and your dh sleep in or go to bed early so much. If it continues she may not want to visit you as much. I am just warning you of her feelings before that happens"

Maybe then he is not saying that she is wrong in what she is doing...he is just playing good guy by letting her know what dd may do if it continues??

If I were you guys, and especially your sd, I would be sick and tired of this!!! And the posters who mentioned resentment were right. SD will start to resent this baby and her bm and sf.

Mom2emall,

That is a possible start, but if mom says she she will enforce visitation, then I think dad should come back with not acceptable -- neglect and abuse of BOTH children. Not only will SD resent it, but a 13YO should not be carrying this weight.

I did talk to DH as soon as I got home, and his parents as well as they are staying here for a visit. We were all steamed and discussed what we could do about it, but though we had several great ideas we knew the truth was truly nothing. DH was going to call and offer to go get both girls, but we knew that would not happen - it's "HER" time so that would NOT be allowed, even though she isn't there. By 10pm when sis was still up, SD was pooped and SF was sleeping DH wanted to call mom at work and tell her to call and wake up SF, but we hesitated as we knew SD would get reemed for complaining about this to us. Finally we just asked SD what, if anything, she would like us to do to help the situation. She said to let it go - sis was nodding off and she was going to get some sleep. I wonder if she's up with her yet?

DH is going to call/email mom today and try to have a friendly "I'm concerned about the amount of time SD cares for sis" talk. It will go over like a ton of bricks, but we feel he has to at least voice his feelings so they are out there. I also set all the texts to my computer just in case they are needed down the road.

DH and I would have her 100% of the time, but we know that isn't right. However, there is no way mom will give up her EOW time - it's HER time. SD is very much a possession to her. Doesn't matter that half the time she isn't there - mom needs SD to watch the baby then so her new DH doesn't have to. They are 'divorcing' EOW and I'm always hearing of their fights. AS much as SD gets peeved with her mom she still wants to please her and fears hurting her, so her telling a judge she doesn't want to go there won't happen. She'll tell us all the time, and her mom when upset as well, but I don't see her actually making it happen. Plus, she feels very protective of sis - she was two when her parents who fought all the time divorced, so she feels like she has to be the 'stable' one for sis.

We hear many times that mom loses patience with sis or just refuses to get up and get her, so SD just does it. We've tried to tell her that as long as she continues to step up and do mom's job for her she will not do it herself. She gets this, but when sis wants some juice and mom won't get it she doesn't feel like she can just sit there and ignore her too. I admire SD's dedication and selflessness, but it PISSES ME OFF TO NO END that a mother thinks it's okay to shove her parenting duties over on another CHILD. . . . and actually has the nerve to get angry when SD grumbles.

And if mom and SF turned SD into a prostitute, would that still be "moms time" OK, that is going on the deep end, but my point is neglect is neglect and once neglect happens, a parent can not expect to have tiem.

I am so sorry.

You might suggest to SD that she talk to her school guidance conselor about this.

If DH is reasonable, and gets nowhere, I would try demanding supervised visitation. Unusal for 13YO, but this situation seems to me to justify it.

good luck

JNM - Are you sure SD isn't exaggerating how often she is asked to care for sis? Maybe / Maybe not. What about asking SD to write it down in a journal so you can all see objectively how often it happens. Then decide how/if to act.

One other thing --

When I ask my older son to watch his younger brother, if it's for more than the 15 minutes 'take a shower' variety, there's cash involved. And he has the opportunity to say 'no.' If I want him to act like a babysitter, I expect to pay him like a babysitter. Which allows me to expect him to ACT like a babysitter too.

Dont get me wrong, I know many families are facing tough economic times. If family needs older child to look after younger, after school, so the parents can work, I understand. THIS DOESNT SOUND LIKE THAT WHEN SD IS BABYSITTING NIGHTS AND WEEKENDS.

There are more red flags here than May Day in communist russia.

THAT was funny, KKNY. I totally agree. Poor girl. Sounds like she has a big heart and is totally being taken advantage of. Her dad needs to get in her corner.

I hope dad demands some changes and if it is not going to happen, maybe SD needs to keep a record of how much she babysits, what hours a day and what are parents doing in a meanwhile. then dad should take it to a judge. this is unacceptable. apparently situations like this are pretty common.

i think there was somebody else here who wanted SD to move with them so she can watch their younger children and then they were surprised that SD refused. pretty selfish to say the least. I think if you don't have time for more children, you should not have them.

I was just talking about this issue with a mom at my DD's school Open House yesterday. She is a single mom with 3 kids--14 yr old DD, 11 yr old DS and 6 yr old DD. She said her oldest DD LOVES to be paid to babysit. She said she is at the age where she is too young to do anything else, but she is ALL ABOUT earning her own money. So every time the mom goes out or has to work or whatever, she gives her DD the option of being the paid babysitter. Her theory is that she will have to pay one regardless, so if her DD wants to earn the $$$, then why not? But she said she NEVER expects her to do it and her DD knows she is well within her rights to say no anytime.

She also sometimes lets her DD have a friend over while babysitting and pays EACH of them to babysit.

Just a thought that, if NOTHING ELSE, SD's BM could offer to do this. But it doesn't sound like she and her DH have that much regard for SD, anyway, so I doubt it would ever happen. :(

IMHO, there is a big difference between 14 YO looking out for 6YO and 13YO looking out for 2 YO. But its irrelevant, as I suspect no one is offereing 13YO any money.

"there is a big difference between 14 YO looking out for 6YO and 13YO looking out for 2 YO"

Oh, I totally agree. I do believe I said in my earlier post that I didn't think the 13 yr old was emotionally mature enough to handle that much responsbility, no matter how responsible she is. I think she is probably capable for babysitting for a couple hours, but certainly not overnight, or all day long.

I was just making a point in general that it CAN work to pay sibs to babysit but ONLY if the kids WANT to do so.

I just want to chime in that I first babysat a 1 1/2 year old when I was about 10 or 11 (in the evening for neighbors that were going out to dinner). The difference is, I wanted to do it. I was asked and paid.

Now that was about 1979 and I'm not trying to start a debate about whether it was right/wrong or if I was mature enough or not. Can't change the past. My point is that if your SD doesn't want to do it, she will eventually resent her mom for making her... if she doesn't already.

I totally agree with you that it seems like an unfair burden for her mother to be placing on her.

Please don't think that by what I am about to say that I am in any way critisizing or trying to you what YOU should do. I am simply relaying what my husband and I did, and please also understand that we expected, and received, full reciprocation from her mother and SF.

When my SDs started getting into those teen years to where they began complaining about something at the other parent's house that was 'unfair'? Well, what we found is that by offering any sympathy at all, they basically saw as validation, as if we AGREED they were being treated "unfairly", and you know what happened then? Next time mommy told them to do it, they screamed, "That's not fair! Even DAD thinks so!"

That actually happened, and of course, dad never said any such thing. All he thought he was doing was offering comfort to his child, who complained about having to do the dishes. His actual words were, "Oh my poor baby!"

And his daughter also didn't feel she was lying, and she really wasn't, she was simply "interpreting his response in her favor", which one of the many things teenagers do.

Although my husband had no intention of doing so, his daughter interpreted his words of comfort as agreeing with her that her mother was being unfair--which triggered her to become defiant, rather effectively undermining her mother's authority, creating a disciplinary problem. Didn't matter that it was completely innocent, it had the same effect as if he had intentionally "badmouthed" BM.

Now, if anything had gone on at their mother's house that was harmful, dangerous or illegal, most certainly we'd want to hear about it. But "unfair"? Well, what is fair or unfair is a matter of opinion, and unless I actually would request BMs opinion on how I should run my household, I'm not interested, and again, the reverse applies as well.

We all have the right to our opinions, but expressing any type of opinion to a child as how the other parent should run their household? Well, if you do it to them, how can you not expect them to retaliate by doing it to you? And once that starts happening, how can you possibly be certain that little disciplinary problem with "defiance", won't start escalating, until it's out of control?

So we came to an understanding, that if the kids complained about the rules at the other parent's house or what they had to do was "unfair", we supported the other parents decision, and they supported ours, and we all kept our personal opinions to ourselves.

It's not like we went overboard praising the other parents decisions, it was simply "their house, their rules," and basically discouraged this practice with the reminder, "what happens in Vegas should stay in Vegas."

So, that's what we did, but again, we expected reciprocity, and received it.

Same situation here. My SD12 has always been the one to look after SD10. This goes back to when they were only 4 and 2. Yes 4 and 2 years old!! SD12 would give SD10 the bottle!
SD12 is still looking after SD10 now, making her lunch for school etc. Sometimes she doesn't feel like it and then SD10 goes without. SD10 can't be bothered with these things and is very lazy, lovely girl, but lazy..
We always tell SD12 that it is fair enough for SD10 to make her own lunch now, it's not SD12's responsibility.

SD12 is so used to talking to SD10 like a mum, she used to continue it at our home. We gently got her out of that habit, usually pointing out that it is very sweet of her to look after her sis, but that at our house she does not need to be mothering SD10, FDH will do the mothering; making a bit of a joke to lighten the mood. It went down well and SD12 can now just be a sister when they are with us, amazing really how kids adapt hey??

Now BM has another baby, 7 months old. I'm worried about the whole thing starting all over again. So far BM has gone out of her way to 'prove' to the skids what a great mum she is, trying to convince them that she was like that too with SD12 and SD10.
-SD10 (being in denial) thinks that BM is the best,
-SD12 sees that history is being re-written here and pointed out to us that BM is doing much better now than she did with them at the time.

Last month BM picked up the bottle again and she is also smoking 'again' (never quit in first place but made kids believe this). It's not long before sh*t will hit the fan..

Thank guys - it feels good to know we weren't making too much out of this. I don't think it's something we could easily have weekends taken away from mom over, but it is something I would like to use in an attempt to modify them. It seems that if mom is going to be around little to none on a visitation day there isn't much point in SD being there, except to see her sister and SF. Well, she and SF do NOT get along and she's not just seeing sis she's responsible for her, so things aren't exactly what we hoped. We tried for FROR when custody changed hands but she refused - we got the written right to watch her during mom's visitation IF mom agreed to it . . . which will never happen so the point is mute. This is the same woman who will pick SD up on 'her' night after practice at 9:00 only to bring her back to our house at 7:00 the next morning as she has to work (meaning they are on the road by 6:30) because it's HER time and we can't stop her. . . nevermind the girl who has homework and might want a good night's sleep. The putting the interests of the child first thing doesn't really work with her as mom believes that above all else being with she or her family IS the best thing.

Again, I have no problem with a little babysitting here and there, but like many have said it should be offered as an option, with compensation . . . even if that is a ride to the mall or a friend's house or whatever.

Sweeby - I am concerned that SD might blow things up a little bit as she is fond of the victim role, so that is the main reason we don't rush in with swords drawn. I hear of it often - down to little things like "mom is tired after work so I have to keep SD in my room while I do my homework so she can relax." I think that is crap, but how do I not know that SD didn't really ask to take SD up there as an excuse to not do homework? The only times I can be certain what is going on is when mom is not there. We have been keeping a little journal, as well as SD's texts and emails, for a timeline.

BMom has a way of always getting her way (except I guess custody!) so I'm certian nothing will come of this and she'll continue to put her feet up while SD chases her sister around. But, I guess we will see.

JNM - I think I have posted here before about my BF's daughter and actually having to leave dinner once because she needed to babysit her little sister. It actually ended with us being kicked out of BM's house by BM calling her and having her tell us. Really, really, really bad!

I'm the oldest of 3 kids. I don't see anything wrong with older siblings babysitting younger ones...WITHIN REASON. It is not reasonable for your SD to be putting the little one to bed and then having to get up with her when another parent is in the home.

My BF's X and her hubby work odd shifts, but get paid quite a bit. They had a nanny for a while, but she didn't live with them. They always found reasons to get rid of their sitters. Once my BF's daughter turned 12, she was responsible for babysitting when their shifts overlapped. I think that is so wrong! And then to make us bring her to their house at the last minute when we thought she was going to be with us all weekend was even more wrong! I told my BF that this is what they chose and their work schedule is NOT his problem or his daughter's.

If they are going to work odd hours, they need to hire someone that can take up the slack. Plain & simple.