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sunsunshine

dealing with guilt-parenting

sunsunshine
15 years ago

I am in sort of a situation. My husband and I currently have 2 kids under two and one on the way. My husband also has a duaghter who is 7 years old. The problem I am having is that my husband gets her for about 2.5 months out of the year. When his daughter comes, it seems that all of a sudden my husband comes ALIVE! He somehow acquires so much energy that he is always doing something with his daughter while she is here. It always seems that we go broke after her visits. I believe he parents out of guilt. I, on the other hand, feel like a good parent. I provide routines, good home cooked meals and treats for my household. I like to do things with my kids that are meaningful such as storytime, sledding, baking sweets, eating together, playing together.

Not to mention, we are on a budget and are far from rich. My husband is also the same as me, as far as wanting to eat home. Well, that is until his daughter comes to visit. It seems as though he completely changes when she comes. He eats out all the time, I mean pizza, chicken, restaurants, you name it. Also, he goes shopping, arcading, all this fun stuff. But when it is just me and our kids, he suddenly doesn't see the need to do any kid things...He actually always talks about dropping kids off (although he jokes about it) to our relatives so that me and him can spend time together. And that is where my problem lies. My husband seems to lose interest in doing kid things as soon as his daughter leaves. I almost feel like he uses our kids when his daughter comes because he actually wants to take them out to the park, and to the arcades or what have you and spend money.

If we ever do kid things when his daughter isnt here, he always seems to be watching our budget. But when his daughter visits, money is no object. This has made me very resentful of my husband. I also worry about my kids because I will feel like they will notice the changes in their dad as soon as his daughter leaves. They might feel like he doesnt care about them like he seems to care about his daughter. All of a sudden he has no interest in doing things with them. Also, he never wants to spend money on them for thir pleasures. Pretty much anything they ever got, like toys, has been from me. I am the one to get the toys. Even on my childs birthday he didnt even show any interest in helping me to find some gifts for our child. He was only interested in getting his daughters gift but he showed absolutely no interest in helping me find a gift for our child.

Because of all of this I have comepletely backed away from the entire thing. I just try to focus on my kids and their well-being because I can't stand to put up with him acting like this because I think it will hurt my kids as they get older.

I would appreciate any outsiders opinions on this issue.

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