My grandmother died in 1987. A couple of years later, my grandfather found a new wife & his 9 adult children protested. They could not stand the idea of another woman living in the house he shared with their mother, so he was given an ultimatum... get rid of the wife or move out. (side note: My grandparents had put the property in the daughter's name prior to my grandmother dying... possibly because they might have believed they could not get social security if they owned a house) He was kicked out of his home by the youngest daughter who held title of the house. His kids refused to accept the wife. A couple of years later, he had a stroke and his wife could not handle taking care of him by herself. (He was in his 80's, she was slightly younger) She ended up leaving him because the kids would not share in caring for him as long as she was around. He has since lived with my Aunt (not the one that evicted him) & her family... for the last 10-12 years, he has been alone. Well, he has his children that come to see him, but they have their own families now.. kids & grandkids. I imagine he has been lonely for companionship & love all these years, but he has been denied that because his kids refused to see past their own feelings about the loss of their mother. He will turn 100 next month. I find that so sad that he has been denied companionship because of his kids selfish attitudes.

On the other hand, my uncle on my dad's side lost his wife three years ago next month. He has two grown children that have been supportive of him finding & meeting his new wife. He was married a little over a year after his wife died and he is a new man. His first wife was SO different than his current wife... he's like a kid again. How wonderful it is to see him laughing & enjoying life with her... he's in his 70's. His son even calls her his new 'mom'. I'm sure they loved their mom, but realize that dad deserves happiness in his life and they have their own families too.

It is such a contrast between the two situations and it boils down to how the kids acknowledge their feelings & how they feel about their living parent's happiness. My mom's siblings act as if my grandfather's happiness with his new wife, somehow minimized his love for his first wife, their mother.

In your situation, you have a choice whether to enter into a more serious relationship with someone, where these problems exist. The only solution here is to discuss things with his adult children... because they are adults and leaving him to mediate is probably going to cause friction because he is in the middle and it's much easier for them to carry their negative feelings if they never have to actually deal with you directly... and talking face to face makes it real. Before I would consider marriage or anything more serious, I would want to sit down & hash it out with them. Maybe you can get through to them that you love their dad, he deserves happiness in his life (with or without you) and then at least you will know where you stand with them. Your FDH also needs to stand up for his right to be happy and have the woman he loves be respected by his children. They don't have to like or love you, they don't have to feel any certain way.. they are adults, they chose THEIR partners, they make their own choices about how they choose to live their lives and they need to understand that their father has the same rights as they do... they are all adults. But, once you have all that out there (if it hasn't already been discussed) then YOU get to decide if you want whatever aggravation that will come with your decision to move forward in your relationship. If he isn't, at the very least, going to command that they treat you... his future wife... with respect or common courtesy, then I wouldn't waste my time with him further. But, that's just me.

The "kids" are way over their boundaries, but, if I were in your boots, I don't think I'd sit down & hash it out with them.

As far as they're concerned, this is family business & you are nobody to talk to them about their father.

Your beloved must strictly re-define their boundaries & make their acceptance of his decisions mandatory.

"Love me, love my wife" kind of thing.

Another thing that occurs to me is that, once anyone is in a position to decree *anything*, it never stops with just the one conflict that's on the table now.

If he doesn't firmly put a stop to this, they'll assume more & more power, & eventually somebody will take away his keys, his car will be sold, he'll be put under somebody's guardianship, the house will be sold, & he'll find himself owning his clothes & his shoes & maybe a few photos.

It sounds like you have a warm & loving heart, & I wish the two of you the very best.

I do not think that you are wrong at all. He needs to have a sit down with his daughters privately. He needs to reassure them that he loved their mother, but she is not coming back and he enjoys your companionship. He needs to point out that someday they will be married and it is selfish for them to expect him to be alone forever. And he needs to point out the good qualities he sees in you and tell them he plans on marrying you and purchasing a home together. He also needs to let them know that they do not have to love you, but he expects them to treat you with kindness and respect.

Honesty is the best policy. He is better off telling them now and getting it all out there and then letting them deal with it. He can not allow them to run HIS life because as others pointed out it will only get worse.

In the meantime enjoy his sons support!

My own father died at age 55 (mom was 53) and it never occured to me to think that my mother should spend the rest of her life alone, while she has never remarried (her choice) she has had a SO in her life for 21 years (he happens to have been my father's cousin who lost his wife six weeks before my father died). Dad and mom had been married 33 years.

Is it *you* the daughters object to, or would the idea of any woman still bring on such anti feelings? If the males sons think it's okay, maybe they and your partner can have a long deep discussion with the daughter/sibling and help them through dealing with the fact that the girls are being pretty selfish in their thoughts.

You don't say if the daughters/sons are married are not, but it would be a good point to ask the children at their now young age "if your spouse died tomorrow would you plan to spend the rest of your life alone and single"?

If it is money/estates they are worried about, there are always pre-nups that could be considered if that would be something that prompts their anti feelings.

It is wise that both the gentleman and you realize that if you continue your relationship that a different home is best, it's one less thing for the daughters to get hung-up over and it will truly be *your* home.

Could the idea of being uprooted from the home the still athome daughter is in, part of her worries? Have you and her dad discussed where/how the daughter will live if you sell the current house? Are the girls worried over what happens to mom's things if the home is sold? Any of these things may or may not be fueling their feelings with the anti.

Dad pretending you don't exist with his daughters and pretending they don't exist with you, can not go on forever, that is not a solution and is unfair to you and all but puts you on a standby mistress status.

You sound like a smart cookie Eve, and the other posters have already said everything I would say. Plus, you already know...

Dad needs to have a straight-talking sit-down with his daughters. They need to shape up and behave. And a pre-nup would be reasonable to protect everyone's interestes.

I think it is very rude to start dating right after losing your spouse, like someone said their parent dated few weeks after mom/dad passed. That is just disrespectful to everyone (at least keep it private). But 7 years? More than enough to move on. They are being selfish or maybe greedy and he is not doing enough about it. Maybe his sons can help here by being a positive influence.

I appreciate all of your comments. To answer some of your questions...... both daughters are in their early 30s, one is married with children, and he has paid the house off so that the other one can live FREE in a house that is much larger than the ones we've been looking at. They are selfish and spoiled, and I've told him this many times. If they love him so much, as they say they do, they should want him to be happy. What do you think about giving him an ultimatum?

i would not call it ultimatum but i would tell him that you are considering moving on with your life if he is not willing to explain to his DDs what is going on. or maybe you should separate temporally and tell him to fix it with his daughters and if it wouldn't get done within few months, make separation permanent. this just sounds too frustrating to go on like that.

I can not believe that he has given one daughter a house and the other is married with children and they both feel the need to interfere in daddys life! And he lets them!!!

My first thought is that the girls are worried about you taking any inheritance they feel they are entitled to. But he gave one daughter a house....how much more can the girl expect?? I wish someone in my family just handed me a house!!

If he does not stop this behavior now it will only get worse.

Hmmm, giving houses away, there's a pretty good clue as to a possible reason the girls don't want dad in any serious relationship...their gravy train might be in danger.

While I can understand dad doing this for the unmarried daughter (hey, it was his choice to give her a house), now it's time for dad to say 'time for me to move on girls'. By giving the home to daughter he assured her future of always having a roof over her head as long as she works and can pay the taxes and insurance. Okay, but she's taken care of now.

Dad's got one married off, the other settled comfy. He's done his dad duty (and then some) and he can still do a pre-nup on any outstanding issues. Is he going to take the plunge and now live his life for himself? If not, I think it's time for OP to do some serious thinking and making decisions on her own future.

If letting his girls run his life is truly what dad wants and enjoys than that is the life he has chose and let him live it. If it's what he wants, OP's dislike or challenges to it is proable that in the end you'll lose and/or live an unhappy interferred in life.

Dad has to make his choice and you can then make yours. It's not a them (girls) or me thing but rather that lifestyle (which does not work for you and you will not live it) or a lifestyle we can build together between you thing and both enjoy as a couple invested in each other.

I'd agree with a variation on FD's and JustMeToo's suggestions, phrasing it along the lines of:

- He's a wonderful person and you love him deeply.

- But you can't see living the rest of your life as a second class citizen, and that the way his daughters treat you is putting you in that position.

- If he can put an end to that, you'll marry him tomorrow.

But I'd be careful to avoid 'attacking' his daughters by calling them selfish and spoiled. It certainly sounds true, but as a parent, even if you know it's true, it still brings up a powerful 'defend my children' instinct. (He'd probably end up defending them instead of correcting them.)

You might try one other tactic. To someone in her young 30's old age is a pretty frightening (but abstract) prospect. Maybe either you or their brothers can ask them how they want Dad's life to be 10, 20, 30 years from now. When he's retired and bored, do they want him spending his days alone in front of the TV? Or out and about with a caring companion? When he's lonely and just wants some company, who's going to be there for him -- You, or Them? When he's 85 and feeble and unable to care for himself, who do they envision changing his diapers? You, or Them?

"You might try one other tactic. To someone in her young 30's old age is a pretty frightening (but abstract) prospect. Maybe either you or their brothers can ask them how they want Dad's life to be 10, 20, 30 years from now. When he's retired and bored, do they want him spending his days alone in front of the TV? Or out and about with a caring companion? When he's lonely and just wants some company, who's going to be there for him -- You, or Them? When he's 85 and feeble and unable to care for himself, who do they envision changing his diapers? You, or Them?"

Excellent points! I think they really could have applied in my situation too at one time, I honestly don't think DH's kids have ever thought along these lines but I know I sure have!

Good luck Enchanted, I hope he stands up to them, but please don't marry him before this is settled.
~Cat

The only thing that disturbs me Enchanted is that you are name calling "Coward" and attacking the daughters ... not good communication in my opinion. You get more with sugar than vinegar.