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5 months into it and I am ready to quite

Posted by wishitwereeasy (My Page) on
Fri, Jan 14, 11 at 22:37

When I agreed to marry my husband we had only known each other for a few months. I own my home and have three children of my own. When we married my husband moved in with us.

I have always been there to assist my family, and not knowing what was comming I agreed that his oldest children should come stay with us.

My 21 year old SD has been in an up and down relationship with her toddlers father as long as I have known her.

Shortly after we were married they had a huge argument and he threw her and the baby out.

My 24 yr old ss has no where to go so he also moves in.

SD and SS does not help around the house with chores nor do they contribute to the expenses.

SD demands things of her father on a whim. When I ask her to do something I get the eye roll and nothing gets done.

SS was caught rummaging through my room and with my jewlery in his possesion.

My husband has left because his kids no longer feel welcome and they are staying in a motel.

I have been blamed for creating a break up.

How can someone be so narrow minded that they do not see that the SK are the issue?

Am I wrong?


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: 5 months into it and I am ready to quite

Let them stay at the motel and file for divorce! Change your locks since they willingly left. You blindly jumped into a bad situation and need to get out asap. It will not improve. The kids are grown and sound like they will never be able to support themselves. You shouldn't have to take their abuse. And your dh sounds like an enabler.

At the very least think of your children and the influence your stepkids could have on them. Do you want them to think that what your stepkids do is acceptable?


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RE: 5 months into it and I am ready to quite

It's not enough info to decide whole heartedly but I think that adult children whether biological or not, should be expected to grow up and move on and if Dad is enabling them to be lazy and stay in the house, then your hands are tied; you just stay miserable and you fight with DH. Because you aren't on the same page with each other as far as your expectations for the 'children' in your household.

You say that you only knew him for a few months - I think that people that are blending families, either just bringing in a stepparent with kids or bringing in kids on both sides, seriously must wait it out and get to know each other and the kids before moving in together.

I'm not coming down on you so please don't think that. I think you should not put so much pressure on yourself for a breakup but realize a marriage with children, even adult children, won't work if both parents don't agree to not let the kids come between them and to stand as a united front together. If he has one idea and you have another and there is no room for compromise, then it won't work now and it won't work ever.

Good Luck to you. Sounds like the sk's take advantage of dad.


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RE: 5 months into it and I am ready to quite

Thanks for your comments. No I did not give all the info as to not sound selfish. Yes he is an enabler and yes they take complete advantage of him.

From what i recently found out was BM left them and moved out of state. SK did not know him as he was not in their childhood due to his own issues. Anyway I think that he is trying to make up for lost time and that is why he lets them control his life.

the minute they saw he was happy they did everything in their power to make him misrable.

And Yes I do agree that I should have gotten to famiralize myself with his situation before I "jumped" in


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RE: 5 months into it and I am ready to quite

I have been involved with sks for years and as long as dh keeps enabling them and takes their side over you, it will never work. dh should put his foot down and set rules in your household.
but what i have found is that my dh has been unable to set rules with his kids. the sks run the show and this sounds like what you are involved in. it will never work unless your dh handles his sks and you both agree on it.


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RE: 5 months into it and I am ready to quite

Did you husband own a house before marrying you ?
I think we should help our children when they are down and out but we should not ENABLING them to be the permanent boomerang kids.
How you H treats his children is hard to break because they have had a long history together. It appeared that you and your H have different philosophy in parenting.
If he comes back, then you both should agree on how to deal with ADULT children. How to help them when they are down and out, what conditions, how long to help, what are the expectations from the owner.

A friend of mine shared a great idea that she had her son who was coming home after a tour in the navy. She believed her home is always open to them but only as a temporary stop. SHe asked the son the give them a business plan of how he planned to leave the house - how long, how much he would need to save ... The son got a job and moved out after 4 months. That was a great idea for she treated the temp housing as a business. It clarified all confusions.


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RE: 5 months into it and I am ready to quite

I agree with incognitomom, let them stay in the motel & change the locks. He is manipulating you... blaming YOU, making you feel bad, blah blah blah. That is not how a loving husband treats his wife. Heck, their own mother got the heck outta Dodge & said she was done. I'm assuming they were grown when she left & she wasn't gonna put up with their laziness & drama, so why should YOU? It shows his complete lack of respect for you that he moved into your home & now is trying to guilt you because you don't want to put up with his ADULT brats!

The biggest mistake we all might be making, is assuming that everyone operates like WE do. We raise our kids a certain way that is acceptable to us & we assume everyone does the same. Well, they do but they raise them to what is acceptable to THEM, which may be far from what WE would tolerate. If your DH had no part in raising his children, then that is part of his problem & he needs to deal with it without dragging you into it. Be glad he left willingly.

and if you do take him back, the first condition should be that only HE gets to come back.


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RE: 5 months into it and I am ready to quite

--"How your H treats his children is hard to break because they have had a long history together. It appeared that you and your H have different philosophy in parenting."--

Shakti, I don't think you caught this line from OP "SK did not know him as he was not in their childhood due to his own issues."

I don't see this one as something to strike up to as an enabling father, can't side together as a couple blah blah.

The OP knew this guy a few months, then agrees to marry him and move his adult non-functioning children (who he, himself, knew little about and their own mother fled them). Now Dad wants OP to let his adult children be and do as they please in this lady's home whom he just happened to luckily find (just in the nic of time) and get to say "I do" or HE is moving out.

Don't let the door hit ya. It appears that OP has self created a mess/situation that she did not take the time to consider. Guy finds single hardworking self efficient lady, sweeps her off her feet right into marriage (after a few months?) and then proceeds to take over home with a 'my way or I'm leaving' attitude...I see this as a lady who has been taken advantage of aka 'used'.

Change the locks, call your lawyer, protect your finances, and don't look back.


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RE: 5 months into it and I am ready to quite

you made a mistake by marrying too fast but he brainwashed you and took advantage of you, he is a jerk, and I suggest you divorce him ASAP.

he was out of his kids life (jerk)but as soon as he meets you all of a sudden he is so actively involved with them that wants them to move in and take advantage of you, your nice house etc. Motel is the best place for him.

I am suspicious of men who never take interest in his kids until they meet a nice lady. In the past I had couple of dates with men who reported that they do not see/barely see/almost never see their kids because their exes are nasty (I suspect that's he told you: his ex was nasty and took kids away..yeah right). Mind you I never wanted to get into relationships with these type of men, see ya...

I wouldn't suggest you try to fix it, see your attorney ASAP. i hope you didn't put his name on your house.


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RE: 5 months into it and I am ready to quite

Update.....

Well my Husband moved out today. I have changed the locks and he or his spoiled adult brats are no longer welcome in my home.

All of you are absoultly correct. He did take advantage of me... he had little relationship with his kids before I came along and he saw a giveing person and took EVERYTHING that he could get.

Let me shed all the light on the story so you all have a better understanding.....

When I met my husband he told me all the things I wanted to hear. How he was gonna protect me and take care of me and make me happy. I would never have to worry about a thing. I beleived these things not because I am gulible but because I honestly thought he was sincere.

We meet in Febuary of 2010 by August we were married. Please note that in the six months before we were married we had not one issue, I think our biggest disagreement was over football teams. I never had to worry about dinner, a clean house, laundry and so on... he showerd me with gifts on a weekly basis..... I guess I was blinded by the attention...

Anyway.... In this time his kids also started comming around which was fine, again always about family I pushed him to have a relationship with his kids if they were willing (little did I know the whole story).

Well then we got married and here we are today.

I am now being accused of not being an adult about this because I changed the locks and because I am not crying in front of him. I was told I have no emotion.

Well just cause I am not crying in front of him does not mean that I am not heart broken. I have shed lots of tears over the last couple weeks, but I will no longer do it infont of him, why you ask....well he has made no effort to fix this, he chose the side of his kids (in his mind they have done nothing wrong) and he moved out willingly.

If in fact he did love me and wanted all the BS that he said to win me over then he would still be here today and he would have stood up for me.

My only fault was allowing this relationship to move to fast and not realizing what he was doing. I

I have picked myself up and dusted myself off. He has tried calling me several times today after he moved the remainder of his stuff and I refuse to answer the phone. I have set up an appointment with my attorney and will begin the research of the divorce process.

My kids and my home will be my only concern from here forward.

I thank you all for your comments, they do help


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RE: 5 months into it and I am ready to quite

"I am now being accused of not being an adult about this because I changed the locks and because I am not crying in front of him. I was told I have no emotion."

Wow, he's still trying to beat up your self esteem as he's walking out? He's not happy because you are not an immature/insecure, emotional woman that's begging him to stay. Good for you.


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RE: 5 months into it and I am ready to quite

great job! you are a strong woman! stay strong and congratulations on your newly acquired freedom.

if you ever date a man with children again, do not ever go out with one who is either not spending time with his kids (of course because of BM) or is excessively involved with them/enabling. Either extreme is a "no no".


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RE: 5 months into it and I am ready to quite

thank you all for your comments. I am moving on and divorce is in the process.

I was told I was pathetic and that I made his life misrable. My response was that is fine cuz you no longer have to deal with it here are the divorce papers please sign.

He got up and walked away... Well now I have to hire a process server to serve him pappers (JackA@#!)


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RE: 5 months into it and I am ready to quite

You did the right thing! I love your comment to him - then jerkdude walks away? Pathetic!

Have a wonderful life!


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RE: 5 months into it and I am ready to quite

What your husband is doing, is not good for those kids. Husband should put his wife first and visa versa. Especially in the case of adult children who are obviously muchers and takers. Your husband is in the wrong here.

Don't be so hard on yourself. I married a guy after only knowing him a few months, he moved into my home with my three children (aged 10, 15, and 17) with his two children (aged 5 and 10) at the time. When his daughter made multiple false allegations of abuse and began to accuse my 15 year old son we sent her to go live with her mother. I offered that they could stay someone else until it blew over, but that I could not put my son at risk. He totally supported me and sent her to go live with her mother (it was what she wanted anyway), and said he wasn't going to move out or leave are marriage for a bratty kid. She was 10. It's not like he kicked her the the curb, he sent her to go live with her mother. Now these kids you are talking about are adults that need to pull themselves up by their bootstraps and deal with life. It's called parenting and it sounds like he not only is not much of a husband, he's not much of a parent.


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RE: 5 months into it and I am ready to quite

Congratulations on having the guts and mental courage to move on! you were being used too much and you do not deserve this.being showerd with gifts and attention for the first 5 months while backstabbing you for it is pathetic ac on his behalf. i hope you find happiness and peace :) goodluck


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