Direct contact BM-stepmom

15 years ago

How many of you stepmoms have direct contact with BM?

I definitely don't have any contact personally with BM, and I would like to keep it that way too. Whatever goes on with the skids needs to be discussed with FDH, not me. However, I'm fascinated that for some of you there is direct contact, I guess if everybody has moved on in their life there shouldn't be a problem...hmm

Comments (23)

justnotmartha
15 years ago
Direct contact? Hell - I've sleep in the same bed as SD's mom! :-)

This doesn't mean we're bff's. I'd say we truly can't stand each other, but we go through bouts were we try our best to play nice. She generally calls me to discuss any issues unless she's cranky with me, then she calls DH. We can do the nice chit chat thing most days . . . but it's takes MANY years to get to that point.
nicksmom
15 years ago
Most times, I think BM would rather have contact w/me than with DH. They really cannot have a conversation longer than about 15 seconds before it quickly goes downhill. I do all of the travel plans, so have regular contact with her about dates/airports, etc. I also do my best to keep her informed of what's going on with her kids here (we have custody). She generally is pleasant, but not overly. She was MUCH nicer when she was custodial parent. But generally, we do fine. I guess someone in this house has to be able to plan/discuss things with her....
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Me again. I'm sure this will be long. So, if anyone's up to reading and posting, I appreciate your input. Telling me if we're being stupid and there's a better way is appreciated. I think I was just tired last night and not posting this really well. But, I couldn't sleep cause I'm so upset about SS "calling Dad's bluff" about lying having consequences. We're not wanting to divide the kids against each other. This latest lying problem was several emails between Dad and SS teachers this week about school projects and normal homework. DH was being specific when on videoconference with SS 3 times this week asking if things were done or what was left to do, etc. SS kept insisting all parts of work were done AND work was turned in on time. Teacher was emailing DH meanwhile saying "NO the project was NOT turned in til 5 days later, and SS was giving her and DH doubletalk. And, she said the other social studies stuff was incomplete because according to SS he didn't have crayons, etc supplies. DH sent him stuff for school (crayons, etc.) and regardless, if he "ran out" of something he should have to DH "I can't, don't have crayons, calculator, etc." NOT "yeah, Dad everything's totally complete and ready to turn in Friday." As far a punishing the kids, here's why we're so upset. DH wants the consequence for lying to SS to be that we're not going to go out and do the extra stuff "besides xmas eve and day stuff" (ex. going to the movies once or twice this week, hanging out at the 4h center for the christmas lights, going out with friends and cousins to skate or chuck e. cheese type stuff, kids museum in town etc. (cause they're all off public school this week.) I agree because it's similar to what we give all the kids. But, this time it's going to be the worst timing we've had and it's the worst one I think for SS and the other kids cause it's basically all Christmas week and they're all looking forward to stuff. In the past, we've really kept cancelling stuff to an absolute minimum and some of our kids were so little that with naps and stuff we just generally didn't go out a lot of "all day" fun. Most activities were a couple hours here or there. Our youngest now is almost three and SS is the oldest 12, so more recently we've been able to do A LOT more stuff. EX. this summer we got a poolpass for the park and could go because enough of the kids could swim without help for me to handle alone when DH was at work. The money thing comes into play because we don't always have enough to go do stuff both when SS is here and not here. The kids all love doing stuff together. For example when they all want to see a movie together, our kids will wait to see it until he's here. He usually sees the movies already with BM, but it's fun to wait and see how much a kick they all get out of doing something together. So this past Thanksgiving when he was here, we all had a blast, because we had so much stuff they all wanted to do together and we'd saved the money for it. We did 2-3 special things together everyday. (ate at favorite restaurants, santa pictures, saw movies they all picked, went to circus, etc.). Right before he left, we got a big packet in the mail from his teachers. It was filled with copies of a bunch of failed tests and examples of incomplete school/homework that was contradicting SS saying he'd only failed one test and had kept up with all his assignments, etc. His Dad sat him down and had a big talk about honesty and asking if he needed more school supplies (said no, but we sent extras home anyway). And, we both had him explain to us "how" he was studying for all subjects, so we could make suggestions about other ways to study math, spelling, etc, that he could try to see if they helped him learn more. Then, he went home. For the last month, DH has made a point (more than before) of asking him about test scores, assgnments teacher tells us are coming up due, etc, to see where SS at with school. Last night, we got the last email, and the teacher was flaming mad at SS for the lack of effort and the double-talk lying he's now been caught in --again. She says it's all absolutely unacceptable and he's the only kid doing this and it's happening almost constantly in class and for homework. She says he not rude, he just doesn't care or try. So, DH says for now we're stuck because we can't force stuff like "from now on everyday after school do your homework right away, and show Dad all the papers each night and the tests you bring home, etc" because he doesn't live with us and we're in another state. Even his teachers are so fed up with him that they've said since they have so many students and SS won't try or be honest, they'll just "do what they can" to tell us assignments and test scores. (It means we been getting spotty info but not everyday updates and they're to busy to offer more.) So, DH says that at least he's going to show SS there's a consequence for lying to him. And, that's what not doing extra stuff this week is supposed to be about. The reason it's going to affect ALL the kids is because, I'm not going to leave SS alone at home to take the other kids out. They're going to have to miss some stuff (playdates) and do other stuff later (movies after SS goes), etc. And, I told DH that I can't just have SS sit in his room "grounded" all week. DH said fine, but we should take away TV and stuff, and that will affect all of us. And, the teacher told us SS needs to learn some specific math stuff and catch up on reading, so DH said to just keep homeschooling all of them so it's quiet. Can't send the others outside for hours a day in this weather, and our immediate family is two hours away, so the visits are all day events, I can't just drop off the others and go home with SS. So, the kids are not getting this week off school. DH said maybe we'll take next week off for them. Normally, our other kids don't feel slighted when one of them is busted and we lose TV or something for a few days. But, they're getting older now, and this is a special holiday week. And, in the past we've talked with them a lot to not "take it out on each other" if they get mad that family plans have changed because of a consequence. But, this time the older ones are more upset than before. DH and I said sorry, but we didn't know what else to do. And, our older kids said they'd feel more slighted if they saw we just did nothing about the lying than if they had to miss/delay stuff due to SS punishment, because they know they'd totally be busted if it were them. DH and I are so stressed about the mess SS is in at school, that we just didn't put a lot of effort into "smoothing things over between the kids". We figured that they're getting older now, so maybe we should be letting them tell SS his actions aren't fair for how they affect everyone else. Our kids already do that to each other. (Ex. if the kids make a huge mess right before we're going out to the drive-in, I've been known to cancel it, because the movies started before they were done helping clean it up. We let our kids tell each other they're disappointed with the kid that skipped picking up and made a bigger mess instead.) But, this is really the first time something big has happened with SS consequence affecting plans like this. Maybe seeing how lying doesn't accomplish fixing school problems because it messes up more than his relationship with his Dad will get through to him? I don't know. I was an only child so sometimes what's best with the sibling stuff is a mystery to me. But, DH and I are good about really working together for parenting. And, I do really feel lost about what are the long term consequences. Maybe this is a really bad idea, or maybe I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill. But, we really do want the kids to all grow up loving each other and not even feeling like half-siblings. I wrote on here last night, because DH and I are questioning where the line is in watching SS lie repeatedly about the self-destructive thing he has going on with his schoolwork especially now that he's about to go on to middle school. We want to do the best thing to help him succeed, and to keep the family happy, and to be a good-fair example for the younger kids (no double standard stuff if we can help it). But, that's a fine line for us always, because he has BM and his dad at different households, and they have very different parenting styles. They're two totally different people. And, I truly feel lost at this point. We've done a good job so far I think. They're ALL good kids, but we want to do our best to help them learn so they become good, happy adults. But, being the step-mom and an only child and knowing SS actions are now leading to more serious consequences for himself at school and that it's all rapidly erasing the trust he has from us, is why I posted to you all. I've got to go pick SS up now. I hope this makes sense to some of you, so you can tell me what you think. I didn't sleep at all last night because I was so wound up trying to think of what else we could do and hoping that SS and DH can actually have a really good talk and accomplish something this week and not just argue or have a big talk like the one at Thanksgiving produce ZERO better results. I'll check back here later. And, thanks you guys, even for the stuff you were critical of me for. I appreciate you being honest with me, cause I'd rather have another adult parent tell me there ideas or what they see, so I can see other perspectives than what's rattling around in my head. I'd rather do the best things for all the kids---even when I'm not clever enough to think fast and have all the answers about what will really help them all with family problems. Merry Christmas. PS. You guys are totally right that the money thing is an issue for us. But, it's because it really does affect for my SS his expectaions in life and his perspective on things. And, it's affected our ability for ten years to stop useless painful lawsuits involving him. It is what it is. We don't try and hold it again him. That's dumb. There's nothing wrong with them having more money than us, EXCEPT for the ways that we've seen it affect how he treats people. It's affected his friendships, etc. when other kids feel he's spoiled and he's needed help to learn how to get along with friends at different points in growing up when other kids have felt intimidated by not having "cool stuff" or declining to go places with him because their parents couldn't afford to participate. He's learned a lot from us not having a lot, because I can see how he's grown more sensitive to other kids and learned that he doesn't need to "go someplace" to impress or have friends. I think DH deseres a lot of credit for helping SS see that other kids will love hanging with him doing cheap free stuff, because SS is a blast to be with WITHOUT needing Disneylands, or the latest videogame machines and stuff. I truly think that's stuff he learned from us NOT his BM.
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jerseystepmom
15 years ago
I have direct contact with BM, not my husband. Partly because he hates dealing with her and doesn't do it well (forgets agreements and then she tries to back out, manipulate, lie). The other reason that I tend to have primary contact is that I am the one who handles the money, scheduling, social calendar, etc. etc., and since I have a little more time to stay on top of those things, I do it.

Plus, truth is that after years of being tormented by her through her using his daughter against him, we now hold all the cards because my SD was emancipated and now we have full-time custody of their other child......so she has to deal with me, as the person running our household.

So, there is an element of it that I enjoy at this point, but it grew out of necessity because my husband was too busy to keep up on the details that dealing with her lies required (plus he would be likely to cave just to shut her the hell up......I would not back down)

It's been tough, but my SS is a senior in school and going off to college in a few months! Yipee!!!! We survived!!!
sweeby
15 years ago
I talk to my son's StepMom regularly, and greatly prefer talking to her versus talking to my Ex. SHE is reasonable and can see more than one side to a situation; HE thinks his opinions are the only ones that matter.
disengaging
15 years ago
I had lots of direct contact and didn't have any problem with her--for the first 8 years. I didn't even meet my husband until after she dumped him, for another guy. Then, after a string of failed relationships and yet another failed marriage, she decided she wanted my husband back, and that's when the games began.

It got to the point my husband cut off all contact with her. Until we finally were able to get "caller ID", he stopped answering the phone completely. I'd take messages, and he'd just ignore them and not call her back, making all arrangements instead directly with his daughters.

Took a while, but she did figure out that she had to deal with me, and she's always been "sweet as pie", at least to my face. A single harsh word has never crossed between us, never a single disagreement about the kids, child support, holidays, vacations, but then again, during most of that time period, she was remarried, only attempting to con my husband into "reconciliation" on rare occasions behind her husband's back.

Wasn't until after the kids were grown and she divorced the last husband that she really started trying to cause trouble. Basically, even after 25 years, she stil regards MY husband as her property--for life! At this point, we've had an attorney advise her we wish no further contact and if she persists, we will file legal action.

So direct contact? Not any more!
imamommy
15 years ago
I'm too busy taking the knife out of my back to deal with BM most of the time. She finally stopped calling DH several times a day when he requested contact by email or text. (He needs everything in writing because she denies she said things, or says she told him when she didn't, etc.) When she does text, she bombards both of us... one time she sent me over 40 text messages to arrange a time to pick up SD when she and DH had already set up a time & confirmed it. I will only deal with her when absolutely necessary. Strangely, she will contact me more than DH... maybe because he told her not to bother him at work and by the time he gets home, her BF is also home. (Fortunately, contact with us has dropped down to almost non existent since she moved away. Unfortunately, contact with SD has also dropped down to non existent too.)
mom2emall
15 years ago
BM calls my cell mostly because I do not think her bf "allows" her to have direct contact with my dh! BF is a very jealous guy!
dotz_gw
15 years ago
Liesbeth, I m all for NO contact with BM from past history..Do you have a reason to suspect she will give you problems, or have you been there, done that? I m dreading this seasons sporting events, I will have to see her(not talk)but her crazy mother is there too, and she chases DH and me after the game is over and says insulting things..Disengaging, I suspect by the crazy meetings she s tried to set up with DH(that he never falls for) she thinks she could get him back too, if only I was out of the way...You put it perfectly, he is her lifelong property...I am so tired of the way she tries to insinuate herself into my home, calls SS 10 minutes after he gets here, I hear him on the phone answering her questions, No the first one, No the second one...I show no reaction, pretend I dont know who he s talking to, she wants a reaction, I am secretly trying to drive her mad by having NO reaction LOL
pseudo_mom
15 years ago
Up until July 23 of this year ex spoke to me rather than hubby.... on that day I told her to GFH and do not contact me about HER children ever again basically.

Thats the day DSS showed up at my door accusing me of neglecting SD because ten days prior, I didn't let her call her mother (after she had been on the phone with her mom for 4 hours I unplugged the phone)and also neglecting her mental issues (mom had her diagnosed as having anxiety only took 6 therapists and 2 psychiatrists to get a diagnosis) when SD was chasing me around the house looking for the "court order" and wanting her aunt's telephone number began to have a breakdown telling me she was having an anxiety attack. I told her she was not having an attack but trying to get her way.... the next day came back home and said "haha I got my way ______got to sleepover"

So now I no longer speak with her and never answer the phone when she calls.

If hubby doesn't want to speak to her have her send emails .... do not burden yourself with talking to his ex.
disengaging
15 years ago
Disengaging, I suspect by the crazy meetings she s tried to set up with DH(that he never falls for) she thinks she could get him back too, if only I was out of the way...You put it perfectly, he is her lifelong property...I am so tired of the way she tries to insinuate herself into my home,

dotz,

Yes, EXACTLY!

Crazy meetings? Boy oh boy! Before we sent that letter, as he had cut off contact and she couldn't get at him directly, she recruited and involved other people to assist her!. Not the just his daughters, but HIS family members, including HIS mother, HIS sister, even his nephews, into trying to "con" him over to their house, where she would be waiting for him. He responds by turning around, and walking out the door.

Aside from HIS family, to try to insinuate herself in MY husband life, she's seduced his friends, MY friends, his coworkers and my constituents--giving her a legitimate reason to show up at his place of business and our business functions. We of course, would leave immediately, and her antics have cost us some good friends and family relationships.

I never bothered confronting BM, because it would have only been handing her ammunition to use against me. She's extremely charming, always in control and never loses her temper. Instead of screaming, she "plays the victim" and cries. She's quite the actress too, and has her performance down to a fine art.

It would also only have served as confirmation not only that she was "getting to me", but that I was actually WORRIED, which would have also strengthed her delusional conviction that my husband secretly wanted her back! Oh, and then, she'd have doubled her efforts and really gone to town!

With my apologies in advance for those here for whom this does not hold true, there seem to be a lot of women who continue to regard their X husbands as "property for life," and for these women alone, there is a saying, "Women hold on, while men MOVE on!"

Take care,
dotz_gw
15 years ago
LOL Is there a school where BMs learn these tactics?My SILs told me when they first met me that they didnt really remember what BM looked like because they had only seen her 2 times(they live in different states)..NOW they are all BFFs!!!! Talk on the phone, call on holidays..When my DH was in the hospital, BM called the SILs before I had a chance to do so,which I thought was a total invasion of privacy... (DH didnt want to alarm them)She s had my SS call MY accountant asking for private tax info..She had never been inside my DHs home in the five years he lived there, until she knew about me..THEN she showed up with her 2 kids, while I was there for dinner!!! wanting to come in!!!!She shows up in court in the same clothes, over and over again, as if to show the judge how poor she is(I had the same skirt in the 60s :) , talking about actresses!!!! Crazy grandma chases us out of gym screaming HE WILL ALWAYS BE MY SON IN LAW!!!! Ah, good times...I love these stories tho, they are wildly entertaining, some of us have SO much in common....
dani77
15 years ago
I don't have any direct contact with biomom, but I'm about to and I'm a nervous wreck! SS's therapist wants to meet with ALL of the parents, which includes me since I'm his main caretaker. He only sees biomom once every two months or so, but she causes a lot of emotional problems for him. We're all meeting next weekend, and it should be interesting...let's just hope that everything I've ever wanted to say to her doesn't explode out of me all at once!

Here is a link that might be useful: StepMammaMia
liesbeth
Original Author
15 years ago
The reason I don't have any contact with BM is because she has always bagged me to the skids, straight from the start even before we met. Over the last 4 years nothing has changed, she still bags me as much as she can. amazingly it doesn't rub off on the skids too much..lucky me!!

Since she feels so threatened by me it's like she does not want to acknowledge my presence. It's like a battle, even though I don't want to be in it.
BM goes out of her way to be in my hair and to prove to me that SHE is their mom. The two things that she hammers into the skids heads are:

-I'm after the power; I want to take over as their mom and I want to be boss of everybody.

-I'm after the money. FDH only wants to see the skids more so he can pay less child support and that means more money for me.

Both these issues seem like pure projection to me. She's the one that's engaged into this powerstruggle with me.
No need to say that BM feels she doesn't have to talk to me, and with that she's right. She doesn't and it's fine by me!
dotz_gw
15 years ago
I dont know about the power, but BM has told the Skids I m after the money, SS told me she said I was going to take all their money.(They dont know my net worth is a lot higher than his LOL)Dani, Is it absolutely necessary for all of you to meet together if you re not comfortable with it? I understand the concept of lets work together for the good of the kids, but I think I d meet seperately and let DH pass along any therapy recommendations when he, therapist and his Ex meet....Couldnt drag me there....
finedreams
15 years ago
I am BM and I am talking to SM on occassion. We live far away so we do not see each other much. I did call her directly to congratulate her wiht birth of their child. She called me for soemthing similar. I spent a lot of times wiht her past summer because i was visiting home town where X lives. We get along. But I would not discuss anything about DD, money, etc. I talk to X.
mom_of_2.5
15 years ago
As a BM, I have very little contact w/ my daughters SM. I guess because shes the third wife, and my ex and I established co-parenting long before he met her. I deal with him directy for scheduling, money whatever. I did run into her this weekend at the grocery store and we talked a minute. I don't hate her, but I think all decisions pertaining to my daughter are between her Dad and I.

As a SM, I will go to ANY length to avoid any contact w/ DH's ex. She's so nasty, and did everything in her power to make sure SS has no respect for me I just can't stand the thought of her. My tummy turns upside down to be in her driveway.
dani77
15 years ago
Dotz-Yes, it is necessary. I'm nervous about it but realize that it needs to be done. I (and his therapist) feel that I am just as much a parent (if not more) and need to be there to establish a united front. There are very basic things that need to be addressed (such as the need for her son to brush his teeth or change his clothes when he spends a weekend with her), in addition to the need for her to follow through on promises she makes to him. She often tells him that she will take him for a weekend and simply doen't show up. She is supposed to have him every weekend but can only be bothered every 6-8 weeks. We're basically going to be telling her that if she doesn't get her act together she will no longer be seeing him. She's done far too much damage already with her constant neglect. I could go into a lot more detail but it would be a verrryyyy long post! Anyway...I'm nervous about the meeting but also slightly looking forward to getting everything out in the open. She needs to start being held accountable.
dotz_gw
15 years ago
Dani(thought I posted this , if it turns up again)sounds like she s the one in the hot seat LOL not you, so good luck.....
ashley1979
15 years ago
I CAN have direct contact with BM, but don't do it much. I used to contact her if I ever had to coordinate a pick-up or drop-off of my BF's daughter for whatever reason. Once I did contact her because I wanted to take my BF's daughter to have some portraits made as a Father's Day gift for my BF.

But after my BF and i broke up and got back together, BM started geting increasingly more hostile towards me and even trying to damage the relationship between my DS and BF's DD.

But, I know where BF's balls are being held captive. And I know I don't have them. BF is definitely still her posession and he isn't man-enough to take his balls back from her.

BM controls every aspect of our lives where his DD is involved in some way or another. She buys plane tickets so she decides how much time we have with her. She has her all the time so she fills her head up with whatever nonsense she wants and we have no way to combat it. She even texts BF's DD when we are together to tell her to call her right away....just so she can make sure that she's either ruined the good time we were having or given us some sort of instructions so that BF and I look like inept parents ("take care of my baby" and "make sure you tell your dad you have to wear such-and-such tomorrow").
ceph
15 years ago
BM and I have a fair bit of contact.
She's a nice person and we get along just fine. So she and I do most of the scheduling and any parenting-talk that needs doing.
When we don't see eye-to-eye though, I get DH to deal with her. He can tell her off if she does something banana-headed, but I prefer to remain low-conflict with her.
ladyflutter
15 years ago
I'm the BM and SM and I have attempted twice to co-parent my kids. Basically in an effort to be "easy going, keepin the peace" kind of thing. And my ex cannot handle anything himself and leaves it to her. So it just seemed the thing to try. Until SM became more and more controlling over things and I was getting overwhelmed by her controllingness. I put my foot down and said enough! Didnt go over real well. It's been rough ever since. She keeps telling me "well xxxx (ex) is going to call you and talk to you about blah blah blah". The phone has yet to ring and she continues to send her "thoughts, ideas, rules, etc" to me. I keep telling her not going to discuss it with you. She stillllll keeps sending emails and he doesnt call. I personally would love not to have to speak to either one of them ever again. I have a feeling we may have to head back to the mediator to resolve these communication issues. I shouldnt have to deal with her at all. I didn't make these precious dears with her right?
liesbeth
Original Author
15 years ago
You are totally within your right as far as I'm concerned ladyflutter. It's a good idea to go back to mediation with your ex. Maybe without SM there, the issues you two need to discuss are between you two, and SM has already put her 2 bob in plenty by the sounds of it. Now let's here from ex.
When FDH set up a mediation session I did not even consider joining him. I care a lot about his kids but it is not my place to be and I don't have a problem with that. At all. It would only p*ss BM off (and rightly so) and confirm for her that I'm the one that's in charge, so it would be doing more harm than good.

Good for you for trying to work things out in a more constructive way!!
rachael_rae
15 years ago
I'm SM and I intentionally make it impossible for incidental contact with BM. I do this because she has continuously caused scenes in public (like at school games) and in person. I purposefully remove myself from being within her reach to keep my SS's (7 & 9) from having to witness their mother being hateful. She acts this way for many reasons: for attention, to be a bully, and to have power and control. It's a shame, but it's so true. Soccer games make me a nervous wreck, because I have to constantly keep track of her and stage myself to where she cannot easily approach me without major effort. I don't see this ever changing, so I resolve to be the bigger person and to turn away and remove the temptation (me!) from her path. Don't get me wrong, I still go to games, it's just that DH and I have an agreement not to leave me stranded or alone at any time!

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