Your user name says it all. Seems to me like you've analyzed this situation and have it all figured out. Great guy. Baaaad timing.

You could try to revive things -- but at the risk of investing more good years and emotions into what might ultimately be a dead end. Or if you're up for the emotional risk, you could be totally honest with him, and ask him to be totally honest with you in return -- Was his 'freak out' temporary or permanent?

But if you do and he says it was for real -- listen, and respect his honesty. There are countless stories of women spending decades with men who just won't commit. Don't be one of them...

After 25 years of marriage, I had the opportunity of being single for 7 years until meeting my fiance'. I dated plenty of men along the way and my favorite word was: NEXT.

I suggest you make it part of your vocabulary.

yeap, been there done that.

even though couple of years after divorce seems long enough for you, it is not long for him, he clearly is messed up because of the divorce. I don't know if he would ever commit, maybe he will, maybe not.

let me tell you, after i got divorced i had no intention of ever marrying or even being in serious relationship, for several years it was the last thing on my mind. i either dated casually or didn't date at all. Right now i would certainly marry the right person, but 19 months after divorce? was I interested in marriage? no. i was terrified.

so you have an option of dating other people or wait when your guy is ready. in any case it is honest and nice on his part to acknowledge that he is not ready.

on the other hand he might not be that into you (even if he likes you) and just uses his ex-wife as an excuse to keep you at distance.

Men generally mean what they say... SO LISTEN!

My exBF strung me along for several years... telling me "it's just a piece of paper" "we ARE in a committed relationship" etc. He told me he never wanted to get married again... but he also bought me a ring. He didn't want more kids (told me that after I had a tubal pregnancy.. to make me feel better, told me it was for the best because he was done having kids) He had three, I had three... none together.

So, a year after I finally left him, he met and married someone else. Within a couple of years, they had her tubes untied and conceived twins.... so much for not wanting to get married or have kids. (of course women tend to blame themselves... "what is wrong with ME?" "What does SHE have that I don't?" etc.) and the truth is... as sweeby said... BAD TIMING. We all have to have our time to mend after a breakup and we do so at our own rate... then we are ready for whatever... or our feelings change... or our outlook on life changes... etc.

I agree with terinick... NEXT!!!

and finedreams... Maybe he's just not that into you... (there is a book & a movie, btw)

Just to add that if you've been married before, getting married again might not be a priority unless you want to have more children, plenty of divorced people are fine with the way things are for the time being or maybe forever. If you've never been married before I can see that it could become a priority. Everybody is different. You have to consider your age and future plans, if you are in your 30s, never married and want children I suggest you date men who have plans to marry soon. Otherwise it might not be that important.

Thanks for your comments. As I mentioned, there has been zero contact between us (which seems to really surprise people I know), and my intuition has been to just leave it alone. As much as I liked this man, I don't feel that I should be the one to follow-up with him to see whether he has changed his mind or not. I was very honest with him up-front; he is the one who changed the program. I asked him in the beginning if he was sure that he was ready to be in a relationship and he assured me that he was (and he then acted accordingly until the flip out).

Since you all have confirmed what I have been doing, I will continue with the no contact. And I'm working on trying to forget about him - even though he's the one I least want have out of my mind. Oh well. Such is life. Ooohhhhh, woe is me . . . lol! Seriously, though, forgetting about him has been difficult and I get sad about it sometimes.

after you give it some time start dating and you will see that there are available men in their 30s or 40s or any age. it is normal to feel sad, it is always sad to end something, but you know any end is also a beginning, hopefully of something better

analytical1 ?

????? Sounds like you know the answer on this one if you were really looking for an answer. If you do feel sad, it's less sad than you'll feel years later still unmarried.

Your post sounds strange to me on a board about stepfamilies meaning people who HAVE committed to divorced people with kids or ARE divorced people with kids. Move on, there is nothing to see here if you are a fake and little to learn if you are real.

lamom I think she wanted to know how normal it is for divorced people with children, men or women, to be reluctant to commit and bring other people in their children's lives again, seems this is the right forum for her and she did get good answers. she sounds real.

analytical1:
Some women on this forum get a little cranky and it spills over to their posts. Take it with a grain of salt. Everyone should be welcome here without getting judged, reading false accusations or having a finger pointed in their face ... unfortunately sometimes people forget their manners.

In regard to your situation:
Feelings are fleeting.
This too shall pass.
NEXT.

analytical, sorry if I judged you incorrectly. Good luck on your issue.

Finedreams - you summed up my position exactly. I was just wondering if anyone else had had a similar experience while DATING, given that most people do date before they get married.

Indeed, I did know what the answer is as far as what I was to do, which is why I let it (him) go and haven't been in contact with him since. There's no doubt in my mind that I took the right action. That does not, however, keep me from wanting to learn as much as possible from the experience. And, it certainly doesn't keep it from being sad to me on some days.

As several of you have mentioned, the feelings will pass and I'm planning on moving on to a better situation. Thanks for your insights.

I agree with and appreciate terinicks comment. I too am not divorced or a step-parent, however a married woman with two children struggling a little with decisions regarding my marriage of two decades.

I posted recently after being a long time reader & have found this forum insightful, truthful and the posters here gave me invaluable advice from their experiences. I worried whether I had chosen the wrong place to ask my questions, but I should have worried not.

I was honest, truthful and upfront and all responders replied equally the same. It was as if they were sitting at my kitchen table sharing over a cup of tea (or a glass of white:) as all girlfriends do. Encouraging, honest, and upbeat about their experiences - but equally they were not going to hide the pain of both divorce and stepfamilies.

An amazing group of women, both Bios and Steps - and I feel they are far stronger than I would ever be. Hats off to you all... My apologies to the stepdads in the group who may have responded...screen names can be deceptive!

I had the "Divorced Man Flip In" LOL!

My DH had been divorced 2 years when we started dating. He told me he loved me after a month of dating. He took me with him to look at homes to buy because he said he wanted me to be comfortable there, too. He told me I had changed his mind about ever getting married again. I was a lot more reluctant because my divorce had been more recent, but after all of this I felt safe to commit again.

WRONG! 6 months later, it was my birthday and I was asking him "What happened". LOL! He started pushing me away as soon as I started getting comfortable with him. I started sliding down on the priority list until I could no longer even talk to him on the phone during the work week. We never had even a single moment alone. He started criticising everything about me.

Don't ask me why I stayed for 4 more years, but I did. I started backing away to where I wouldn't even see him on the weekends anymore, then I broke up with him. That was the best thing I could've ever done because it snapped him out of his perfection mode. He had to do some self-analyzing and came up with that he may had some blame for his previous divorce and our relationship going bust.

We are now married! After 7 years of dating. LOL!