Return to the Stepfamily Forum | Post a Follow-Up

 o
very manipulative sd and a dumb husband

Posted by tiredofbs (My Page) on
Sat, Jan 5, 13 at 20:16

Hello-new here and have a question....

My husband and I have been married for 5 yrs-my step daughter, now 26, really hates me! I have tried everything and as of the past 6 months, I have given up and totally ignore her when she decides to come to our house (usually to ask for extra money-we pay her cell phone and rent every month...) The lat time she was at our house was the weekend of Thanksgiving-we had a couple from out of town that we are good friends with and my husbands grandson and his girlfriend. Stepdaughter came over and was rude as hell to me-I never said a bad thing-actually tried to be nice and speak to her kindly. I fixed dinner for everyone, cleaned up by my self, and after
I was done, went to the living room to speak to our guests.
About 10 minutes later, dear stepdaughter stormed out of the house and exclaimed to her daddy that I had not even spoke to her an I was rude! Daddy walked her out and got her under control and she left-but my problem now is that she calls her dad and snips to him that I am not a good housekeeper, that we have too many dogs (4), and that he does not spend enough time with her (she only calls for money-never returns a phone call from dad)-now my husband is starting to agree with her and it is really causin g some problems! He wants to get rid of 2 of the dogs (NOT going to happen-I'll leave with the dogs..), and he thinks that the house isn't clean enough so he has chosen to sleep in the guest house (I clean the house EVERY DAY!!)
I am sooo tired of the stepdaughter's behavior and my husbands going along with it that I just don't know what to do, short of just leaving!!!!! Any suggestions?


Follow-Up Postings:

 o
RE: very manipulative sd and a dumb husband

I think you have more problems than just a dramtic busybody SD. The SD has not been over for like six weeks yet husband is sleeping in guest house under the pretense that you don't keep house clean and have too many dogs.

Either there is some truth to the claim or it's a made up excuse on your husband's part to put distance between the two of you. Husbands don't just move to the guest house because their grown child who does not even live with them dislikes the way his wife keeps house. He also does not just rise out of bed one morning and declare 'hmmm, daughter is right, my wife is a poor housekeeper and I think I'll go stay in the guest house'....whatever is going on between your husband and your's sleeping arrangement is not something you can lay on the SD and her opinions of you. If her little hissy fit she tossed clear back on Thanksgiving has kept him out in the guest house this long, there is a whole lot more to this story than dogs and dust bunnies.

It sounds more like he's hiding out in there waiting for you to get fed up enough you take all your dogs and leave. Is it marriage counselor time or is it beyond that? Is getting rid of two dogs and cleaning 24/7 really going to solve all the problems, he'll move back in and your marriage be all 'happy' again? I doubt it.


 o
RE: very manipulative sd and a dumb husband

Well any man who is stupid enough to pay for his bratty 26 year old daughter's cell phone and rent, while allowing the girl to treat his wife like crap is pretty much clueless, so any actions he takes are not surprising.

As JMT said, I suspect there are way more issues here that you are letting on, or even aware of. I think you need to dig into things with him, either thru counseling or just improved communications.


 o
RE: very manipulative sd and a dumb husband

Hi, new around here .. came by late last night trying to find some perspective w/problems w/my relationship w/husband that get acted out (in part) via battling over my step-daughter. I've found it helpful around here :)

I noticed that you said that you ignore your SD when she comes to visit. Sounds like you made an exception on Thanksgiving.

Sounds like she's complaining Dad doesn't spend enough time w/her (I don't know any 26 year olds who spend loads of one and one time w/their Dad, but okay) And that she does nothing towards the end of spending time w/him except when she want$ something.

The stuff between her and her Dad is 26 years old. And it's between them.

The stuff between you and your husband is between you - and truly has nothing to do w/her (although, believe me, I know how easy it can be to lose respect for a man who appears to be choosing his kids over you .. and she is trying to make it all about her - so you have to get help w/this ..)

If any of you continue to lend yourselves to making a triangle out of your twosome w/your husband, you will - all of you - lose. Working this out can become easily complicated (especially w/the level of acting out going on!) so, I'll add my voice to the others: Find a very good couple's counselor and work this out.


 o
RE: very manipulative sd and a dumb husband

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. He has two adult children (from first marriage) out of state in their 40's who I adore and we have a grand time of it. His second marriage (wife died of cancer) and he had two children (boy 23, girl 29) who were indulged and never said "no" to. We are both retired and in our 60's and love to travel, RV and enjoy the recent home we purchased. Though we thoroughly discussed his involvement with his children and my not wanting any role other than his partner, there is tremendous animosity with his younger two adult children towards me.

It has taken my BF/Partner these 5 years to learn boundaries and to know how to say "no" in a healthy manner. His son is in therapy, though I feel it is for attention from Dad and to have the excuse of not finishing college (we are going on 6 years and NO degree yet and has not worked a paying job in 3) The daughter teaches in a foreign country but the time she comes home is wrenched with stress. I made up my mind recently that I need to sit back and observe and unless that it effects me directly through disrespect, I can not involve myself. If my BF/Partner asks my opinion, I temper my words, though I am honest with him with my thoughts. It's never fun to have this type of family dynamics, but I am a great believer that when adult children try to inflict pain on their bio parent or their partner, they are the ones that have esteem and security issues that only they can resolve.

The daughter is manipulative of her father, as is the son and though I see a major change in my partner's thinking, he, (as any parent) wants to believe some of the BS they dish out to him. I have overheard them too many times conspiring to get dad to do something, take them somewhere, and/or buy them things.

Though there have been many family discussions, they seem to walk away still making fun of their dad and myself (something they have openly done to their dad and me, and/or in subliminal remarks they think we are too stupid to understand the reference of). Not only do they make fun of their father, but when we are out eating, they have made fun of waiters and people they observe. (major insecurity in my book)

Such a shame that two young adults would waste not only their time on, but their energy, internal thinking and the impact it will have on them (as nothing in life that is done in a negative connotation goes unnoticed by the powers that may be,,,it will bite them in the butt somewhere)

I am reading inspirational thoughts from Wayne Dyer and I find great peace through that forum.

My final thoughts:How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.

I refuse to allow my ego to get in the way of my happiness. Is it hard? you bet...but is it worth the work of thinking greater thoughts? YOU BET IT IS!


 o
RE: very manipulative sd and a dumb husband

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. He has two adult children (from first marriage) out of state in their 40's who I adore and we have a grand time of it. His second marriage (wife died of cancer) and he had two children (boy 23, girl 29) who were indulged and never said "no" to. We are both retired and in our 60's and love to travel, RV and enjoy the recent home we purchased. Though we thoroughly discussed his involvement with his children and my not wanting any role other than his partner, there is tremendous animosity with his younger two adult children towards me.

It has taken my BF/Partner these 5 years to learn boundaries and to know how to say "no" in a healthy manner. His son is in therapy, though I feel it is for attention from Dad and to have the excuse of not finishing college (we are going on 6 years and NO degree yet and has not worked a paying job in 3) The daughter teaches in a foreign country but the time she comes home is wrenched with stress. I made up my mind recently that I need to sit back and observe and unless that it effects me directly through disrespect, I can not involve myself. If my BF/Partner asks my opinion, I temper my words, though I am honest with him with my thoughts. It's never fun to have this type of family dynamics, but I am a great believer that when adult children try to inflict pain on their bio parent or their partner, they are the ones that have esteem and security issues that only they can resolve.

The daughter is manipulative of her father, as is the son and though I see a major change in my partner's thinking, he, (as any parent) wants to believe some of the BS they dish out to him. I have overheard them too many times conspiring to get dad to do something, take them somewhere, and/or buy them things.

Though there have been many family discussions, they seem to walk away still making fun of their dad and myself (something they have openly done to their dad and me, and/or in subliminal remarks they think we are too stupid to understand the reference of). Not only do they make fun of their father, but when we are out eating, they have made fun of waiters and people they observe. (major insecurity in my book)

Such a shame that two young adults would waste not only their time on, but their energy, internal thinking and the impact it will have on them (as nothing in life that is done in a negative connotation goes unnoticed by the powers that may be,,,it will bite them in the butt somewhere)

I am reading inspirational thoughts from Wayne Dyer and I find great peace through that forum.

My final thoughts:How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.

I refuse to allow my ego to get in the way of my happiness. Is it hard? you bet...but is it worth the work of thinking greater thoughts? YOU BET IT IS!


 o Post a Follow-Up

Please Note: Only registered members are able to post messages to this forum.

    If you are a member, please log in.

    If you aren't yet a member, join now!


Return to the Stepfamily Forum

Information about Posting

  • You must be logged in to post a message. Once you are logged in, a posting window will appear at the bottom of the messages. If you are not a member, please register for an account.
  • Please review our Rules of Play before posting.
  • Posting is a two-step process. Once you have composed your message, you will be taken to the preview page. You will then have a chance to review your post, make changes and upload photos.
  • After posting your message, you may need to refresh the forum page in order to see it.
  • Before posting copyrighted material, please read about Copyright and Fair Use.
  • We have a strict no-advertising policy!
  • If you would like to practice posting or uploading photos, please visit our Test forum.
  • If you need assistance, please Contact Us and we will be happy to help.


Learn more about in-text links on this page here