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sandra65_gw

b/friend and son dont like each other, what to do?

sandra65
13 years ago

Hi everyone, this is my first time here and would love some advice as this situation is making me ill with stress. Sorry this may be a long one!

My b/f and I got together about 4 yrs ago after he left his wife and he became my lodger. My son was 15 at the time and I've been a single parent for 13 years his dad was sort of in his life but didnt contribute financially and moved away from the area although he did make the effort to ring a lot and see my son every month.

Ive had probs with my son's behaviour he didnt do well at school and has always been a bit lazy and not done much around the house but this has been my fault as Ive done everything for him, However he is a lovely boy with a kind heart and everyone loves him, a lot of people think he is a lovable 'rogue', not that he has done anything 'rogue'like!

Because my b/f was also the lodger he saw that my son wasnt particularly going down the right road, and has been on at me that I am too soft and let him get away with everyting. I know he's right but it's been hard and it was just me and my son for a long time I had two other 3 yr relationships, and I know that I do let my son get away with things to keep the peace. My sons dad died 3 years ago and since then things in my house have gone downhill.

My b/f and son had a huge row couple of years ago as my son was refusing to do something and I got upset my b/f interveneed and got annoyed with son told him not to talk to his mother like that he said you're not my father and both of them nearly came to blows.

Since then they havent really got on my b/f only speaks to my son when he has to and made it clear for a long time that he didnt really want much to do with him as he thought he was disrespectful to me.

My son thinks my b/f only talks to him to get on my good side and that even though he son doesnt do a lot around the house b/f does even less. I have to agree with this but I think they each dont do much because they think the other should be doing it.

I think my b/f should have found himself somewhere else to live ages ago as this would have meant he wouldnt have had to listen to the cheek from my son or worry that I was letting him get away with it, but I feel like he didnt probably because he had it easy living here and just paying rent. He says its because he loves me.

Anyway they sort of got back on track being civil to each other, altho sometimes b/f would only say hello/goodbye when prompted by me, I always feel like Im in the middle,

they had another big row a couple of months ago again because son was being cheeky to me and b/f didnt like it, I was having an argument with son and b/f stepped in.

Its like living in a war zone. On the one hand my b/f is right my son is lazy, doesnt work spends mornings in bed but because Im his Mum I feel forhim that he lost his dad and it;s hit him hard. I prob havent helped by not making him get out of bed but sometimes I do and sometimes it's just such hard work its easier to leave him there. It doesnt help that I lost my job a couple of months ago and am struggling financially, b/f says this should be a reason for my son to get off his backside and get a job and again I know he's right but it isn't happening and I cant help thinking Im not doing something right but I just dont know what to do!!

I think b/f should be making more suggestions and helping him rather than just critizising.

My son says my b/f doesnt treat me right as he hardly ever takes me out (doesnt have a lot of money as has 2 children with ex), hasnt even divorced his wife yet which is true although he finally put the application in a couple of months ago, doesnt help much with things like painting around the house.

B/f has now moved as he got offered a larger room for less rent which is permanent. We still see each other but it was my birthday day after they had the row and b/f was so annoyed at my son that he didnt even bother to come over or take me out on my birthday which made me upset. I feel like my life is going round in circles with no direction. I want to help my son but I dont know what to do for the best lately he has been trying more to get a job/ I cant help feeling the conflict with b/f being the lodger hasnt helped which wasnt a good move on my part. Am feeling like telling my b/f we should split for a while whilst I concentrate on my son. We have split a few times but he is always so distraught as he loves me so much that I end up thinking at least he loves me but sometimes wonder if it is words and no action? B/f doesnt really have any plan for us in the future and he is taking a long time to get divorced, said it was because his ex would take it out on the 2 kids but a year or so ago I said I wasnt waiting for him to get divorced and he said he would few months later still hadnt I said Im off again he said he would and this time he did at least file the papers.

At the moment b/f doesnt come round as I dont want them arguing again so I go to his.

On one hand I want to have a relationship but things I dont agree with my b/f on and on the other hand my son has a point and I should really be focusing on helping him.

Sorry for such a long rant had to get it all off my chest.

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