The way I see it is you have 3 choices.

1. Accept the situation as it is ... unconditionally.

2. Change yourself.

3. Get Out.

In your case, I think BM = bowel movement.
Sorry you had to experience such rude behavior ... especially from your husband.

terinick,

1. I do not plan to accept the situation any further, conditionally or unconditionally. I've shaken off the jealous comments about my son having "everything" even while he was very ill with cancer at age 6, see earlier posts. No more.

2. How do you think I should change myself here? My expectations are certainly changed already. My drive to create a "brady bunch" with them has been sapped too. I feel only a little sad about this, angry that I have basically been rejected after so many years of trying. Or I guess from their perspective, put in my place.

2. Get Out? Of my marriage or relationships with DHs kids, grands etc.?

They think DS7 and I have taken something they still want, DH. He was gone from them for years when I met him. Their emotions are so distorted on this. Pish, after 16+ years, look at things as they are, be mad at the culprits of the failed old family, DH, BM and themselves.

Well, I'm going to take a slightly different point of view here. Perhaps DH prefers being estranged from his family and hoped that BM telling you about them would convince you to leave him alone on the subject of kissing and making up with them. Not every family has the same dynamic as you would like yours to have and they have behaviour patterns that work for them. Does your DH express any regret at his estrangement from his siblings and their families? If not, maybe he truly doesn't care. I can relate to that.
Similarly, BM may just have been trying (albeit in a clumsy way) to give you a heads up about her family's dynamic. Maybe she was trying to tell you that they are never going to meld into a Brady Bunch and that you'll be a lot happier once you stop trying to promote that. Some families will blend, others won't, depending on the particular "personality" of the family involved. I know I often see posts where some parent or another is devastated that his/her child has moved out of town, because their concept of family is everyone living out of each other's pockets, and frankly that would drive me nuts. Sometimes a week or two will go by without our family members communicating in some way. That doesn't mean we don't care very deeply for each other, it just means that's the way our family likes to operate. Different strokes for different folks.
Bear in mind that just because she's the BM and possibly jealous that you now have what she once did, doesn't necessarily mean that everything she says and does is intended to be mean to you.
But, she seems to have given you some sort of official sanction (not that you needed it :-) ) to officially disengage from your husband's first family. Be happy!

Iamom I completely understand what you are saying. Completely!!!
My dh's ex , the bm, is the same. Very territorial and has clearly brainwashed her kids to think our family is not theirs. Yup, she told them i am not a mother figure in any way. So over the years they didn't bring homework and began avoiding tactics.
For me, no prob, less work, i stepped back and treated them like any guest visiting in the house. My dh owuld get angry and say, this is their home. I said no. Its not. They visit you. THey are visitors. THey are acting like this. THey are trained by your exwife to be visitors. They dont think this is their other home because of their mother!
And he asked them. They dint' answer. Just put their heads down and said we have a home with mom. Lol....The damage this Bleep has done to those kids. Well..its ok...sd has wreaked havoc on her house! Has caused her second divorce and beign in her teen is making her house hell. Good luck to her!
Lamom, washing your hands of them is the best. I gave yo uthat advice last year. Andi told you , there is nto point in having your son aroudn them. That is not family. THe way they treat him.

colleenoz,

You have hit all of the nails on the head. DH does want to be estranged from his sibs, does want me to back off on that subject and that's exactly why he had BM talk to me. I think your perspective is right on.

Same thing on BM's lecture/rant. She made it clear that my idea of family, especially in terms of being part of "Her Family" is not theirs. She said that straight out to me. But on both counts, they could have and should have handled it better. Who knows, I guess they felt they had to be cruel to be kind?

DH is in the doghouse with me and I'm not sure what can get him out. For him to use BM to deliver those messages is just plain wrong.

I guess they both, DH and BM, felt they had to go to that extreme to get their messages across because I have tried so hard for so long to get a united family with their families, DHs and BMs kids, and reconciliations with DHs sibs, nephews, nieces etc.

Yes, she did give me an official sanction to disengage, more like really hard kick in the rear.

LAMOM -

"When I first posted here in Dec. 2008, KKNY asked me bluntly what I was trying to accomplish with my skids. BM did the same thing yesterday and I guess most BMs don't want their kids, young or grown, to accept the stepmother as family. If they do, what does that make the BM?? That's what my friends said, that's what I read here and that's the way it is. "
I don't recall asking you what you were trying to accomblish, but I do think it is a valid question - because if you dont know what you are trying to accomplish, you'll never get there. As to your attempts at a "Brady Bunch" family, I think that is highly unrealistic. There were no Xs in Brady Bunch (and a full time maid!!!).

If you say that accepting SM as a family members means there is no room for BM, and communicated that, then it doesnt surprise me there are hard feelings.

I suspect, from what you have said, that your DH was a different person, less responsible when he was married to his first wife. It may be that those siblings who were involved with the failed deals blame him, and feel sorry for his first wife.

Terry, using language that a three year old uses is so telling as to where you are coming from.

it would be much nicer on DH's part to address this with you directly instead of making BM do that, he is married to you not BM. If he put BM up to this I would not blame her, but him.

I think it is hard to determine how much involvement is appropriate. I observed SM around DD for few times and some of it looked funny, they are close in age, SM is very young yet she acted like DD's mother and ran around her like a chicken, she even talked to her like to a little girl. Neither I nor ex talk like this to her or run around like crazy, DD is a grown woman. It looked funny, but SM wanted to do her best.

maybe you wanted to be more involved but they do not find it apropriate and don't want it. so stay uninvolved with them. they clearly let you know.

no more gifts: DH could get gifts, no calling: DH should call, no inviting over: DH should invite if he wants to. every family is different, that's how they want theirs to run, well, fine, you run your own your way then.

Its funny to me when SMs complain about SKs being rude as to gifts and thank yous. I always make certain my DD had a gift for her dad for his birthday, fathers day, etc. and sent thank yous. He of course never reciprocated, and saw that she had gifts for me. Now part of this is, I think, that in many households, these things are for women to take care of. Still, I wonder how many SMs complain that the stepkids dont treat their father nicely, and yet they dont ask their DH, do you remind kids to remember mom at mothers day, etc (or when they were younger).

The Brady Bunch was an oversweet fiction tv show, anybody setting this 70's show as a basis for what reality should be/are is is bound to find themselves in failure and never measuring up. As kkny states, there was no BM or BD and additionally all children were minors, all were seemingly 'perfect' without any adjustment issues to death or divorce. That 'family' does not exist, it was make believe.

'Ancient grudges' to one may well be something more/different to those actually in the situation. DH was wrong to sic his ex on you, but was it really pre-planned, was there really a plot against you? Or did the subject of DH's siblings come up and it went from there? And it turned from DH's siblings to your relationship with the adult stepkids, were your stepkids near this conversation? Did SD have any idea her mom was about to be her mouthpiece? I thought SD and you had come far this last year in being adult friends and rather understanding where and why the other was coming from.

I get that you feel kicked and attacked, but seriously, the girlfriends are right, BM did you a favor, she set you free, you're now totally free to have or not have relationships with these adult stepkids and relationships that are not hoping for false reality or nonmutual expectations.

You've got a little one to focus on that needs you and loves you that you share with his father, how and or if DH and DS7 deal with and involve themselves in the extended paternal family from here on out is up to DH. You've been set free, let the 12 years of trying and being rejected of your hopes roll off and just focus on your son and your homelife with your DH, that's all that has to matter to you.

But make DH stick to what he wanted. His problem of arranging any family togethers that might involve DS7, his problem when SS acts out, his problem to communicate with his adult kids, his problem of his SGKs ect. When or if he now dumps his issues with his problem at your feet, a simple 'thanks for sharing, but not my problem, what are you going to do if anything about this or that...' is all that you've been mandated to say/do. All you have to worry about and focus on is your DS7 and your DH as it pertains to your immediate household, do a jig and send that BM a 'thank-you' note.

KKNY: I always make sure that my SK's mom get a gift for xmas, mothers day, not birthday (their Grandmas takes care of that) yet they never have anything for Dh unless I get it. Which I do. Yes I do complain about how they treat my DH. They think he is just supposed to pay for everything and thats it. But I blame DH for that, he let their Mom do most of raising the kids. She was a stay at home mom and he worked alot. She is the caregiver. They have slowly learned to count on Dad for more than just money. Hey they even made his xams gift, it was very sweet and he appriciated that more than anything.
My point is not all SM's are bad or try to be mean to BM.

Jess, you are absolutely right, I should have said some.

I think it is very different when children are minor versus grown. As DD became an adult I don't think i need to monitor if she got gifts for this or that person, she is taking care of that herself. and I don't think ex needs to remind DD to get me this or that. I think at some point we have to let it go and believe that we raised our children properly and now as they are grown they will take care of business themselves. It is OK to remind that somebody's birthday coming up but no need to micromanage all the time. I don't think it is up to us what relationship our grown children have with the other parent or stepparent.

lamom:
Thank you for sharing your experience because I've learned from it. Your husband has been telling you for over a decade, he's not interested in a relationship with extended family. You haven't been listening. You've been trying to "fix" it and it's been a painful road. It's your choice now to change yourself (meaning your attitude toward fixing your husband's broken relationships.) Let it rest.

Also, your worth is not determined by the SKIDS acceptance of you. You deserve a peaceful and happy home for you, your husband and the son you share together. Feel the blessing of "what is."

KKNY: "Terry, using language that a three year old uses is so telling as to where you are coming from."

Thanks! I appreciate your criticism. Lighten up ... it was meant as a joke.

In your situation its not really disengaging its moving on and doing for people who appreciate YOU.

You have a free pass to do what you please if its buying something for your SGS great if you don't want to don't ... they don't want it anyway.

To me disengaging is a feeling of ease and comfort to know I don't have to do anything I don't want to do for ungrateful people.

They have made it perfectly clear they don't like you, nothing you do for them will make them happy so you don't have to worry about trying to make them happy anymore :)

Its not easy .... you have to work at it ... I still walk by stuff and want to pick it up for SD but I stop and say is it worth spending my money on it, will she appreciate it .... I move on and get something for others who I know will appreciate it.

Bless their hearts, most men just don't have the same "boundary issues" that we women have, do they? And yet, the opposite, they seem much more able to shed the idea of unified families, too. It's got to be hormonal, don't you think?

Before my DH and I worked out a system that was good for us, he too would think it was really nice for BM and me to interact about SDs. Which in theory it is, but BM would take the opportunity to do territorial things and get in these subtle (and not so subtle) little digs about her being first etc. etc. And except for those exchanges she wouldn't even talk to me back then. Yuck.

Finally I told DH to quit "letting" those little talks happen! And he apologized and said he thought he was giving me authority by doing that. Once he said that by saying "Here, BM, talk to Ulrike1 about..." that he was putting me "on equal footing" with BM. Ha, then he stopped in his tracks and realized what he'd said. Bottom line, we aren't "equal," our positions are quite different.

I think especially when we have our own children, that we want to have the sense of well-being that comes from a harmonious, united family, everyone connected and having frequent interactions, etc. But sometimes it's better not to. Sounds like with your DH's sibs, the latter is true. Hard to explain it to kids, though.

Well all, I have received two phone calls from SD36, one from SS30's gf (really telling as she never calls me) and a half-assed apology from DH. I have been polite and have cut all of the conversations very short, DH's the shortest. SD36 and SS30's gf/babymama were very obviously taking my temperature. Well, I'm hot! I dropped DS7 off at SIL's house to play with his only sane cousin on his dad's side(also at the bday party) and she volunteered that she couldn't believe what happened to me Saturday after all I've done for them.

Lamom - You've been given a gift!
You may not realize it yet, but what you've been given is permission to put your own little nuclear family first and foremost. You've been told that Hubby's Ex and his former family are not yours to worry about -- so you get to stop worrying about them. (Remember - disengage? "Not my problem")

Want to plan something? Mom, Dad and DS.
Vacation? Mom, Dad and DS.
Holidays? Mom, Dad and DS.
Theatre tickets? Three please.

Someone want in? OK - What did you have in mind?
In other words, receptive to invitations, not responsible for issuing them.

If Dad's estranged from his siblings, trust that there's a good enough reason and that these sibs wouldn't bring joy, peace and love to your own little family. Where they are now, they're a neutral. If they were a net positive, odds are good Hubby wouldn't still be estranged from them. Think of the complications you'll avoid just be eliminating these energy-sappers from your emotional life.

You don't have to dislike them, resent them, fear them, tiptoe around them -- ANYTHING!
You just get to go on with your own little life until someone calls or knocks -- then see what you feel like doing.

DH does want to be estranged from his sibs, does want me to back off on that subject and that's exactly why he had BM talk to me.

Same thing on BM's lecture/rant. She made it clear that my idea of family, especially in terms of being part of "Her Family" is not theirs. She said that straight out to me. But on both counts, they could have and should have handled it better. Who knows, I guess they felt they had to be cruel to be kind?

DH is in the doghouse with me and I'm not sure what can get him out. For him to use BM to deliver those messages is just plain wrong.

I guess they both, DH and BM, felt they had to go to that extreme to get their messages across because I have tried so hard for so long to get a united family with their families, DHs and BMs kids, and reconciliations with DHs sibs, nephews, nieces etc.

Well it couldn't be any clearer then. You were trying to create "family" in what is YOUR reality. This is not THEIR reality. They finally had to kick your butt to get you to see.

I'm not blaming you at all for trying, but I don't think you should be angry at them for finally getting their point across, awkward as it may have been. You weren't listening, and they had to do something to make you listen, hurtful as it might have felt.

I hope you can find some kind of neutral territory, where your nuclear family comes first, but there is room for the steps in a way that feels comfortable for all of you.

Weed, my nuclear family does come first. Don't be mad? Well, I'm sure I won't stay mad but can I have a couple of days after my 12 year investment? Yes, their idea of family is very different than mine and I'm sure they felt justified in letting me have it that way.

Sweeby, you are right, I have been given a big pass on them. And when SS comes calling for hand outs and favors for himself and his kids I won't forget the kick in the pants I got on his behalf. Disengagement, not my problem.

BTW, as I posted above, I have received several calls from SD and SSs GF as well as DH feeling out where I am with this. I am just not ready to talk to any of them. You sent the junkyard dog, BM, after me, now you want to know how the bites feel.

What I was trying to say didn't get received in the way that I meant it. Yes, go right ahead and be mad, but...oh heck, I am not good with words tonight. Just reread Sweeby's post and do that. :)

Yeah - You do get to be mad for a while --
Just remember to breathe

Weed30 said - "I hope you can find some kind of neutral territory, where your nuclear family comes first, but there is room for the steps in a way that feels comfortable for all of you."

Sorry, Weed, but this statement is even more fantastical than Lamom trying to unify the family.

The fact is, if she hadn't tried all these years, they'd be p*ssed about that! BM would be ranting to DH that his wife didn't like HER kids and saying "are our kids not acceptable to her?" SC would be ranting they aren't involved with their "dear little brother", or that the "new wife" is controlling him. DH would be ranting that she hated his kids, and that she is the reason why he never sees his kids.

Lamom - if I was you, I'd be fighting mad for 2 reasons:

1) your DH, whom you have a child with and whom you gave VOWS to (love, honor, cherish) was in cohorts with his EX WIFE (to whom those same vows were broken). Where the heck does his loyalty lie? If he wanted you to get the point about something, he should quit being a schmuck and figure out how to communicate to his wife HIMSELF! Communication is part of marriage and parenthood. He needs to grow up and not send an emissary on his behalf.

2) BM was the one to lay it out for you. As if you need lessons on how to be his wife from the wife that didn't work. PUUUUUUULLLLLEEEASSSSSE! Ummmmmm, I know I don't need anyone's EX WIFE (let alone my current husband's) giving me advice on how to be a wife/mother, thank you very much!

I agree that you should sieze the freedom that has been given you, because you can say you tried. You can do it with a clear conscience. You can sleep easy and peacefully in that big ole bed all by yourself while DH sleeps on the porch with the dog!

You can sleep easy and peacefully in that big ole bed all by yourself while DH sleeps on the porch with the dog!

hahahaha you made my day, i need this laugh, oh my, picture it...hahah

lol, Ashley ~ that visual made me laugh too!!!

It is BM's problem (and a problem she passes on to her kids) that she doesn't support her children in loving & accepting & having a relationship with thier younger brother. Anyone that knows MY history, knows I have NO reason to like or do ANYTHING nice for my oldest son's father.... but when his wife got pregnant & had a little boy, I would NEVER have supported my son in any way if he was less than brotherly to his flesh & blood. That is the family values I HAD to instill in my children. They are all "half" but never once would I EVER allow them to call each other "HALF". They are brothers & sisters. PERIOD.

How sad it is for kids when parents teach them to discriminate because they are not from the same set of parents.... I would be willing to bet that if mom had more kids from a different man, she would not allow her kids from her first marriage treat her kids from her second marriage 'different'. Why is it okay to do that with 'dads' second family? I call BS!!! How about teaching your kids that family is family... full blooded, half blooded, by marriage, or adoption... whatever.. treat family the way you'd like family to treat YOU!!!

OP, what sweeby said... you don't need THOSE PEOPLE!

so true imamommy..my DD's brothers are her brothers not halves. and I always inquire how they are doing not only when i talk to DD after she visits her dad but when i talk to ex too. family is family.

I agree to a point --

Children who are raised together are Brother and Sister. Period.
Kids who aren't raised together are something less. I hate to use the word 'less' -- but it seems to reflect the reality of the situation. My SKids don't consider either of my kids (their half or their step) as full siblings.

Sweeby... I think the relationship may be 'less'... but why place a label on that relationship? My parents divorced & my sister was with dad, I was with mom. Had that happened when we were babies... she is still my sister. Our relationship isn't as close as the relationship with my older sister that lived closer & that I saw more often... but both are my sisters. If my dad told me I had a grown sibling that I never met, they would still be my sibling... and the actual relationship would depend on the time & effort put into it... We are raising SD and her grandma is raising her sister... but that doesn't make them any less sisters.

I think when parents tell the kids "well, she's just your half", it gives the child permission to think it's 'less' because if parents didn't tell the kids, I don't think they would care. I've done things with and for SD that I did for my kids... all out of love and thought. I wanted to be a good stepmom to her, treat her like my own. Her mom & grandma have told her repeatedly that I am not her mom.. they tell me I am overstepping.. and all I wanted to do was enrich her life. Her mom does not cook or bake, I do. Her mom is not interested in dance classes or girl scouts, I am. Now, I could understand if I sat SD down and told her I am going to teach her how to scrapbook, which is one of her mom's hobbies. That would step on her mom's toes, I would not do that. But, if her mom could see that I ADD things to her daughter's life that she won't, can't, doesn't want to or isn't interested in... then her daughter would probably see my existence as a positive. I think if parents encourage (or at least not discourage) the child to think of all siblings as just siblings, it encourages the child to be open to more of a relationship with their siblings... even if they don't live together or see each other much.

My DD has five siblings from her dad (from 2 other women) that she has never met. She still calls them her brothers & sisters. My DS has a little brother through his dad's ex wife. My other DS has 3 siblings from his dad's wife.

My oldest has two sisters by her dad. My comment has always been "those are your sisters, that makes them family. If they ever need anything I will do everything I can for them." The girls have only met me a few times but I always speak to them and show them as much friendliness as the short visits allow. My daughter is grown now but she has said to me that she appreciated how I NEVER acted or spoke in any way negative against her sisters. I don't have any real relationship with the girls but when they see me with my older daughter in public they will get behind BM's legs and wave and smile at me. They know who I am and they understand I like them. Of course they worship big sis. LOL. I was lucky to have a good relationship with first ex. Second ex, now that's another story.

"Children who are raised together are Brother and Sister. Period"

Absolutely. DD is 7, SS is 7 (actually, they are getting closer to 8!) and DH and I have been together since they were not quite 2. We have lived together as a family since they were 4, and we've been married since they were 6.

They absolutely refer to each other as brother and sister. DD will say "my brother" this or that and SS says "my sister" this and that.

They know that *technically* they are step-siblings, but it certainly doesn't seem to feel that way to them; I actually think it is very heartwarming because this is something they have just done on their own.

I do think that some of it can depend on age. I don't have any half-siblings, but if my dad and his GF were to marry and have another child now, I have to admit, I would have a tough time viewing that child as a "sibling" in the same sense that my brother is.

DH and I have been actively trying to have a baby together for over 2 years now, and I can't see THAT BABY being "less" of a sibling to DD or SS.

SS has a baby sister (technically, half) at his mom's and mom is preg. again with another girl. SS always refers to them as his sisters, and I think that is just how it should be.

I would only use the term "half" when using it to explain a situation to someone who might otherwise be confused, kwim?

"I think the relationship may be 'less'... but why place a label on that relationship?

I think when parents tell the kids "well, she's just your half", it gives the child permission to think it's 'less' because if parents didn't tell the kids, I don't think they would care."

Agree completely -- I'd never use any word other than 'brother' or 'sister' or the person's name. Sometimes it takes, but sometimes it just doesn't. My older son has two step-sisters (StepDad's DD and StepMom's DD) and wasn't raised with either one. If I were to say "your sister" to him, he'd be utterly confused... Who?

ITA, Sweeby. I have many siblings (steps, halfs etc) the closest in actual age to me are steps. Now, I don't go around referring to one or the other by step or half (except for here to clarify) but to be perfectly honest, the only siblings I actually feel a sisterly/brotherly bond with are the steps. I have helped out with the younger "halfs" and have spent time with them but it is quite a different relationship than the ones I grew up with (the steps.) The age difference is so vast that my elderly grandfather always refers to me as their Aunt lol.

I've also felt great pressure to be something else to these much younger half siblings that I'm not even really sure what it is. And I read a lot of that from Lamom's postings. My fathers children don't need much from me, my father has it handled. My stepmom seemed to think I should be doing more for the halfs because we are siblings and it proved something to her. There were times that I would do something for my own daughter and SM asked if I was going to do it for the younger halfs too. The bare bones of it all was that I cared for them and loved them, but there wasn't going to be any magical wand to wave to make us more brother and sisters than we already are. Just by being born we were brother and sisters and our relationships would take their own courses. I have one half sister that actually wants to spend time with me and another one that I can't carry a conversation with. Go figure lol

Ima, I think you've mentioned before that your stepmother has children. Do you consider them siblings?

Each situation is going to be different. And with anything to do with stepfamilies everyone is an individual and your expectations towards them will not always match reality.

Lamom, I would take that conversation as freedom.

"Kids who aren't raised together are something less."

this is offensive statement and i am dissapoined in you for saying it.

I am going to ask DD how would she feel if someone told her that her brothers are something less than her brothers. and "raised together" is a relative concept. DD is 20 years older than her younger brother and she couldn't be possibly raised together with him. She is away in college. She wouldn't be raised WITH him together even if they shared both parents. What a silly concept.

Now i do not have other chidlren so her only siblings are her dad's sons, she couldn't possibly be raised togther because they both are much younger, but she is extremelly involved with them and they are her BROTHERS. They are not "less". We have no such concepts in our families.

Nivea, "I've also felt great pressure to be something else to these much younger half siblings that I'm not even really sure what it is." "My fathers children don't need much from me, my father has it handled." "The bare bones of it all was that I cared for them and loved them, but there wasn't going to be any magical wand to wave to make us more brother and sisters than we already are"

Sorry, I don't know how to italicize cut and pasted quotes here. I think this truly summarizes how DH's kids feel. That they have felt pressured by me to be something that they are not and don't want to be for my son. Maybe like Nivea, after all of these years they still don't understand what it is, to be a big brother and sister.

"My fathers children don't need much from me, my father has it handled." I think this is the same thinking that DH's kids have applied to my son. Whether it's about spending time with him, being supportive during his illness, including him in things, they believe that DH (really I) have it "handled." This was laid out to me plainly a couple of months ago when SD36 told me she was starting a college fund for her nephews, DH's grandkids, and that my son would not be a beneficiary of it! She told me this on a all expenses paid trip I essentially gave her!! I know what you're thinking, "you can't buy love."

On the comment about proving something for the SM, I have to honestly reflect on that. I Have wanted to see something from them that they have never really given. SD has made an effort to include my son in some things with her nephews, DH's grands, who BTW are also MY SON's nephews! Probably because my son will not be raised with them, they will never see him as being more than a little relative who is only technically their brother. A little relative with what they think is a platinum spoon in his mouth.

Just wanted to add this on being accepted in to clans because that is really what we are talking about here. Or at least that was what BM was telling me I was going about wrongly...

I am from LA, CA hence my handle. My relatives live in the MidWest and East as my parents were from the MidWest. So, we only see them on either side, once, twice, maybe 3 times a year depending on the relative although we stay in close contact via phone, e-mail, trips, gatherings. In fact, one first cousin is coming out from NY to spend spring break skiing together with her kids, another wants us to come out and visit her in Chicago, a third wants to keep DS7 in Ohio while DH and I go on a much deserved vacation. Some of my relatives traveled many miles to help when my son was sick while these skids couldn't travel two miles. Others sent gifts, prayed, called, wrote...you get the picture. BUT, because they love and accept me, they love and accept my son. That's really what it's all about. I get it that they just don't feel that way about me, therefore DS7 and rationalize it by believing that DH and I "have it handled." Sorry, Nivea, I'm not mad at you, just that you have really encapsulated the half-sib perception problem. I wonder if your father thinks he has things so handled that he wouldn't welcome more involvement with "his kids" from you.

My son is much more closely related to DH's kids by blood than he is to any of my relatives who are many miles away versus 2-10 miles, SD 2 miles, SS 10 miles. But, because of the baggage from their old family, polluted thinking courtesy of BM etc., they will not welcome him to a clan he was BORN in to just like he was born in to mine.

Yep, that's how I think of family, all by my lonesome. I won't be trying to shove it down their throats anymore. I am very glad to have this board to talk about it and be reminded that this is a common dynamic vs. my problem personally!!

Lamom, no I understand perfectly what my SM wanted but not sure why. She wanted everything her way regardless of how others felt or what was going on in others lives. My daughter since day 1 has taken a back seat to her children and then she even expected me to place my daughter in the back seat as well, uh thats not happening. I will do (and have done) for them quite a bit. I love the younger ones and care a lot, but I'm also not their parent or grandparent. I'm their older sister with a life and just as important people in it. Because I do for my daughter didn't mean I should have to (or even be expected to) do for the half siblings. We are a family, what I do or not do for them doesn't make our relationship less so. It is also a two way street.

I think you've set some very high expectations for your stepchildren in regards to your son. From what I've read your stepdaughter has done a lot, maybe not what you want...but why do you think you set the bar for what happens? And what actually constitutes a big sister and brother relationship? Your stepson sound like he has a lot of problems so I wonder why you would even want or *expect* his influence on your child. I certainly wouldn't want my daughter directly influenced by him regardless of their biological relationship. I'd would be working to limit his exposure to my child in fact.

And then you're pressuring your husband to mend fences with relatives he doesn't even want to. So the stepkids grew up with estrangements, divorces etc as a way of life and you're *expecting* them to act differently than their own father and act your way. Do you see where I'm going with this? It reads as if you're the puppet master pulling everyones strings trying to make them do as you will...Most people (regardless if they are a member of a stepfamily) are going to balk at being controlled. You take a lot of digs at adult stepkids in many of your postings but when one tries to explain to you, they are bitter or can't get over their parents divorce. And you wonder why BM is talking to you?

In my own stepfamily, some of us are closer than others. And I am closer to the steps go figure! The one half sister that I can't carry a conversation with...well I don't want my daughter exposed to her. She's at a time in her life where it's a crossroads but as her older sister, I do not have a duty to put my daughter in harms way to carry on a sibling relationship the way her mother thinks I should. And that is my right, to maintain my relationships the way I and the other person involved...would like.

Nivea, you've said it all. My SS feels that my son, DS7 has usurped the proper place of his kids, SGKs 9 and 3, being intrepeted as wanting them to take a back seat to him. This feeling is the common condition. I've not asked or expected them to take a back seat but like all mothers, my kid comes first just as theirs comes first. They think,
"Why is she (meaning me) trying to make us love her and him (meaning DS7) when we just don't and won't? Why can't she just get it? That controlling so and so?" Foolishly, since I love my child like the morning sun, I hoped they would too. Maybe me too, silly me.

Yes, I have mistakenly tried to force my ideas on family on Dhs family both immediate and extended. I have seen, been pointed out to and acknowledged my long mistake. I'm sure that they too feel like I was trying to be a puppeteer instead of just accepting who and how they are. You are right. I wanted something with them.

The interesting part is in the last few days all of a sudden they all, DH, SS and SD, want to know how I am feeling. Calling although I haven't returned any calls other than DHs. Since they, SS30 especially, have blown off so many of my calls over time, I feel OK about doing that. Can SGS9 come over for the weekend?! Am I taking DS7 skiing in the fresh snow from the storm and can SGS9 come along?! If it weren't happening to me I wouldn't believe the gall. DH told me that SS30 called for his millionth cash handout this morning. How am I feeling about things? Other than screw them and everyone who looks just like them, I feel fine. That ought to cover all of DH's "family." Now I'm the bitter one.

I know that I am a lot younger than most who write on here, but I can really and truly sympathize with how you feel.

For a long time, I had this 'vision' I suppose, that me, my BF, and his ex, BM, could all get along civilly to provide a stable and calm environment for the child they share together, because as a psychology student who is focusing in developmental psychology, I know, and there is research to back me up, that an environment filled with parental jealously and forcing alienation is unhealthy - but I digress. The point is, I just could not get over how much BM hated me. Even when she was cruel to me, calling me a 'b***h' and a 'whore' in front of friends, I wanted to try for a civil relationship.

My best friend put it best when I would continually complain and cry to him about the situation - there are two kinds of people out there - those that like you, and those that don't. And when you look at those that don't, they either have a good reason, or a stupid one for why they don't like you. To those that have a good and valid reason, there is a chance to mend fences if both parties are willing and able. To those that don't like you for invalid, ridiculous, and STUPID reasons, they can't be reasoned with, they can't be rationalized with, so why waste your time, energy, and breath on stupid people who dislike you for a stupid reason?

It seems that your stepchildren and the BM fall into the second category - the one in which they dislike you for stupid reasons (and you know, you seem like a great stepparent, much better than the one I have who makes me feel like a second class citizen compared to her precious ones). So, like others have said, disengage. Don't let yourself be caught up in something that will only lead to heartache. As Forrest Gump said - stupid is as stupid does. You can't reason with stupid, so don't try and enjoy your life.

"this is offensive statement and i am dissapoined in you for saying it. "

FD - I'm just saying that in the natural way of things, children who aren't raised together in the same home generally won't feel like 'real' brothers and sisters. The relationship they would most often feel toward each other would normally be something 'less' than full brotherhood.

"Now i do not have other chidlren so her only siblings are her dad's sons, she couldn't possibly be raised togther because they both are much younger, but she is extremelly involved with them and they are her BROTHERS. They are not "less". We have no such concepts in our families. "

Are you trying to suggest that if your DD had a brother or sister who had grown up beside her -- that she would still feel just as close to her very-much-younger (technically-half) brother as she would to the sibs she grew up with? I consider that quite unlikely. Not that it's an intentional slight, or even that she wouldn't love her little brother to bits. Just that it is very unlikely to be a similar relationship. The generation gap and completely different foundation life experiences just make it unlikely.

@smashley, thanks for the compliment

sweeby, you said that they are LESS than brothers and sisters if they weren't raised together.

I am not trying to suggest that relationships are closer or not (plenty of people were raised together and do not even speak to each other), I am saying they are not LESS than brothers and sisters because of age difference or because they do not share both parents or because of whatever other reasons. I am sorry if that's the case in your family and your children are less than brothers because they weren't raised together. But it is not the case in every family and i am very glad it is so.

I do not know what you mean "real" brothers and sisters. DD's brothers are very much "real" to her, as about closeness of relationships..there is no formula.

I know people who are extremely close to their cousins who are much younger and were never raised together yet don't speak to their own siblings. Heck plenty of people don't even speak to their own mothers. there is no rule what makes what "real" or "normal". Whatever individual families decide and maintain.

I meant the emotional relationship is generally less -- not that the people are in any way less worthy.

And no, it's not my (bio) children who are less brotherly. They were raised together and have a very close and loving relationship. It's my children's step- and half-siblings who were teens and older when they met who feel less like siblings. To my way of thinking, that's kind of a duh - yeah thing. So call me cruel.

"Children who are raised together are Brother and Sister. Period.
Kids who aren't raised together are something less."

"something else": as not brothers and sisters? don't see anything about emotional relationship in your post. this is getting very annoying. you chose to say they are "something else", not me. I am just quoting what you said. and who is determining if emotional relationship is more or less (not like that's what you said to begin with). more or less compare to what? everybody has different standard.

There are different ways of interpreting that statement.
And for some reason, you seem he!!-bent on interpreting it one way, even though I've explained several times that I meant it another way.

I'll agree that my statement was ambiguous.
But why keep insisting that what I meant was offensive, when you clearly have no idea what it was that I meant?!

Oh, finedreams do you have that tally sheet out again!? LOL.

Come on now, we all know there is no such thing as 1/2 a person, it only exist in government stats with 'every American family has 2.5 children (and a dog or cat)'. Always find that rather silly, one expects to knock on a door and find 2 kids and literally another cut right down the middle. Of course in their stats it's averages.

In real life 'half' is a term to identify bio realtionships, but how it actually plays in the family is going to depend on the families involved. We can't make people or different family members think the way *we* think they should think or act the way *we* think they should act, and I'm sure we'd find how relationships play out different from household to household. And I think it is reasonable to understand that all blended families (and even 2 bio parent households) and the relationships of siblings being whole, step and/or half' are going to depend on the complex make-up and individual emotionals and foundations in each family. We can't shove *our* feelings, emotions and beliefs down someone else's throat just because *we* believe one way or another vs how things may be in a different family in a different household with other out laying issues and situations they may be dealing with.

sweeby, I don't think it's as simple as "durr." One example I look at is a cousin of mine in a happy 2nd marriage. She had 2 kids in her 1st marriage and her husband had 2 from his 1st marriage. They made MAJOR efforts to make friends out of these step-siblings, road trips to Disneyworld, integrated family events, including our big family Thanksgiving gathering. These step sibs are very close and good friends.

This same cousin made no such effort for the kids of her 1st husband's 2nd marriage. There are 2 1/2 sibs that you would barely know exist. There were no road trips for them, they are not invited to the family gatherings, when mentioned which is rare they are always referred to as "X's kids" vs. the little brother and sister. So, her kids finally forged relationships with these 1/2 sibs on their own when they became old enough to take matters in to their own hands as teens and young 20's. But by then, the damage was done. Although her kids have tried to get a little closer to their younger brother and sister, it's not the same. Also, my cousin, their mother, has not helped at all. I know several relatives and friends who have handled things EXACTLY the same way. There is resentment towards the 2nd wives and by extension, towards the 2nd sets of kids. None of these "1st kids" have meaningful relationships with the "2nd kids."

Now whose fault is that? I love my cousin dearly but she is the BM of this story. She made sure her kids knew and loved the steps because it was better for HER 2nd marriage. She also made sure that they did NOT know their 1/2 sibs well who barely make it under the wire as a brother and sister. BTW, none of these sets of kids bio, step or half were raised together under the same roof.

All,

I see from the posts that I have been trying to force my idea of family down DH and his kids throats for many years. I am disengaged now, realize that the only family (as it relates to DH) is my little trio and that's all I'll be focused on.

Thank you everyone for your perspectives on this. I've had a few days, plus the insights shared here, to process this.

LA -

I've been reading this and wasn't planning to comment, but with so much back and forth about everything from everyone, dissection of each point and word, and so much of it is just semantics...I think the some of the issue may have been lost. Maybe it doesn't even matter anymore.

BM, speaking for he entire brood, said that your were forcing things upon everyone and to back off. You acknowledge it, albeit your heart was in the right place for all parties considered. It's one thing for you to always be the outsider, but to you have your son be the outsider too. You must hurt tremendously. I am sorry.

Gerina, thank you. I appreciate the understanding.

"Now whose fault is that?"

parents' fault.

it is much easier to simply say well they are less than brothers and sisters because they aren't raised together or other blah blah, it is much harder to actually work on making them BROTHERS and SISTERS.

now in your situation you tried but they are resistant, but at least you could always say that you tried and didn't simply say "duh - yeah". but you are right you can't force them to have a close family if they resist. focus on DS now