My step son is making me crazy.

15 years ago

I dont know what to do and i am at the end of my rope!!! my husband and I have a wonderful marriage. he is the best partner that any woman could ask for, but to be honest with you I am considering leaving him because i honestly dont think I can deal with life with my step son in it.

My husband and I were married when my ss was only 2 years old. I had a 4 year old son and a 1 year old daughter from a previous marriage. I took this child into my heart just like he was my own. His mother was not in the picture so to him i was "mommy" from the start.

I myself come from a family full of "steps" and we all grew up just like biological brothers and sisters so honestly there was no issue with having a step child....boy was i diss illusioned!!!!!

I noticed early that this child just didnt seem....uuuhhh...well, normal. He would scream for hours on end..throw tantrums that would stun the most patient parent..

Well, I carried on. I talked, i diciplined, i begged, i bribed, i bargained, i loved, i showered this child with affection to the point that my own children would feel left out. Ikept praying the situation would improve. In kindergarden, my ss was a terror. I was in the principals office at least 3 times a week. He was biting, hitting, lying. finally i had him evaluated and 3 different doctors told me that there was nothing physically, emotionally, or mentally wrong with him...he is just "strong willed".

When ss hit the first grade he failed every thing, but during the last 9 weeks of school he would become a straight A student because he was afraid of having to repeat the grade. This indicates that he can stay focused if he wants to...he just never wants to. Then there was the behavior issues..he would melt down in class when asked to do any task..like a 2 year old. down on the floor crying and screaming in the middle of the class room...

well, time for another visit to the doctor, and the child psychologist...both tell me there is nothing wrong with this child. we tried several meds for addhd to no avail. the meds made him worse instead of better.

Then he starts making up stories..he actually told his dad that i threw him down a flight of stairs.

Now we are in 3rd grade and things are even worse. He forgets his jacket, his homework, to put his dishes away. he forgets to clean his room, zip his pants, turn off his lights, do his chores..and his excuse..."sorry mom. i forgot."

My children cant stand to be around him. I beg them to have patience with him..and they really do try. they are remarkable children who are responsible and polite and thank the dear lord for that because to be honest with you, I have no time for them because every second of my day is tied up in trying to get SS to do what he needs to do. You can hand the child his toy and tell him to put it in his room and he drops it on the floor and walks away.

He is a total slob and has no sense of any kind of personal hygine. this child will come home so filthy i hate to see him step on the floors.

When i ask him to do anything his response is "what about tyler and caitie?"(the other children)

The strange thing is that he is a very sweet boy..he just has this huge sense of entitlement...my husband is in total denial..he works 12 hours a day and doesnt see the goings on here. He always has some excuse for him..when i ask him to decipline him all he does is "give him a good talking to" thats it!!!

Depression is setting in because honestly..i hate being anywhere near the child now. he is my biggest source of stress and anger. then i feel guilty for feeling that way. I love him..god knows i would die for this child but I feel like such a failure. He is 9 now and he behaves like a 4 year old. I tell him where to put the dirty laundry and he will drop it on the floor next to the basket. I tell him to not take food in his room but days later i find moldy food under the bed.

I dont know what to do. I cant live like this but i cant live without my partner either. anyone have any advice, suggestions or just a hug for a mother riddled with guilt and feelings of failure?????

Comments (8)

liesbeth
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Wow that sounds incredibly hard.. Understandably you are at your wits end. So first of all a hug >>>.

It seems like you've taken him to plenty specialists, and if they all say there's nothing wrong with your SS than it sounds like you need to look for other reasons to explain his behavior. Is his BM in his life at all? Or any of her family? It sounds like your SS feels like an outsider, and rather than to try and fit in; he's confirming his role of the outsider (if this makes any sense). He shuts off so he's not as 'vulnerable' and by not making an effort to fit in he can predict the outcome.

Since he's been with you from such an early age and even calls you mom it doesn't seem to make sense, but I still think that it might be something along those lines of feeling left out. It doesn't mean that you're not doing a good job, or that you don't love him enough, he might feel that way without it being related to your actions/behavior. I don't know. I wonder if a therapist or counselor could help with this. How does your husband feel about his behavior?
lovehadley
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Wow. I am really sorry to hear about all the turmoil you and your SS are going through.

I think that Liesbeth had some good ideas. First of all, I would not totally rule out there being some underlying physiological issue or mood disorder. Children can be difficult to diagnose because, since they are growing and constantly maturing, it can be hard to differentiate between a "phase" and a real psychological disorder. You said his BM is not in the picture and that makes me wonder even more. Why is his bio mom absent? Does she have any history of mental disease, addiction, etc?

What do his teachers say? Any ideas and tips to help set SS up for success?

It sounds like you are extremely loving and devoted to this little boy, and I can hear your anguish in your post. I would urge you to seek some sort of support for yourself---talk to a clergyman or a counselor or even just a friend. It sounds like dealing with your SS day in, day out is really wearing you down and overwhelming you, and I think it's extremely important to take care of your emotional well-being here. Do you get any breaks from the kids? Maybe a babysitter one night a week so you and DH can go on a date night? Speaking of DH...I think he needs to give you more support here! I get that he works 12 hours a day, but if there is any way possible, I would see if he wouldn't cut back on that to a more normal workday. At the end of the day, this is HIS child. It's wonderful that you love him so much and I commend you for doing so much for him. But it's not okay for your DH, IMO, to put it ALL on you.

What does he say about the whole situation?
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mom2emall
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
From what you wrote I get the impression that there are no consequences for his actions. That in itself could be the problem. Does your DH or you ever give him time-outs or take away things he likes to do? OR take away items he enjoys? Have you tried chore or behavior charts with rewards?
finedreams
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
ODD is rather hard to diagnoze, it sounds like it could be it. Or Fetal alchohol syndrom (if either parent is alchoholic), those are tough to diagnoze. he might have ASD as well, mild form like asperger. Or some form of emotional impairment. It does not sound like he is just acting out, it sounds like there is soemthing wrong wiht him. It sometimes takes very long to diagnose correctly. Keep trying to find out what is wrong.
wild_thing
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Hugs to you mom!
I agree with finedreams post. It really does sound like there is some form of emotional impairment there. You may also take a look at RAD. If the mom is out of the picture or had been there but only a short time, the trouble might be an attachment disorder issue.
organic_maria
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Hugs to you and i can totally understand where you are coming from.
No , sadly your ss has nothing wrong with him and it is strong will.
You know why i my gutt feeling tells me? Because you are describing my nephew. At my wedding, my husbands side of the family said and i quote ' here is Satan's child' ANd i didnt' take offense.
He honestly is strong willed. Everything you have described is him. The biting , hitting, the bullying...he used to take toys and slam them on his own mothers head. I phoned one time and found her locked in the bathroom crying.They also had alot of tests done and nothign found.
What he needs is extreme discipline. and it must come from a father figure. My brother would also spend very little time in the house. 15 hrs working..then of course he had to sleep so...barely home.
Your husband MUST CHANGE HIS WORK HOURS TO ACCOMADATE HIS CHILD. It does get worse as they get older and his father must take the reigns now. Both of you have to work TOGETHER IN DISCIPLINE. Very important. My brother and his wife went to counciling and it took a long time to handle their son and it still takes alot of energy. The odd part is my nephew also has a caring side...that you would expect if you saw the first aspect of him.
After several years , he is now cleaned....not a slob..barable to be around with ..still has a temper once in a while but its controllable.
I think what also hit my nephew hard and what really changed him also was the death of his brother last year. It was awful. my sister in law was pregnant...and gave birth in the bathroom...his brother had passed in her arms..police..ambulance...needless to say i wont tell any further. But since then he's really calmed down...
I know its hard. i know it willb etrying for you. But dont give up on this child.
1. go to counciling.
2. You husband must acknowledge the behaviour.
3. You and your husband must work together and be consistant and persistant in punishment and reward.
4. Have soem time away for yourself..for peace of mind and let your husband have a go at times...for him to witness.
As well, he also is expressign that biomom is not there...so i think its a combinaation of strong will and realizing biomom not there. So feelings of resentment are bubbling.
Another thing is...was mom a substance abuser? That maybe a piece of the puzzle.
Good luck...keep us posted.
p.s If your husband is not willling to work with you and acknowledge what is going on...you have a bigger problem and it is not you SS.
disengaging
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
When ss hit the first grade he failed every thing, but during the last 9 weeks of school he would become a straight A student because he was afraid of having to repeat the grade. This indicates that he can stay focused if he wants to...he just never wants to.

Geez, that does sound a lot like ME, and I was and still am ADD. Mine's pretty extreme and from what my mom tells me, I practically drove her to a mental institutution. My parents do claim they did try everything from pleading and begging to punishments and even severe beatings! Well, that's not how I remember it! Getting into fights? To me, that was just fun! By the time I reached middle school no one wanted to fight with me anymore. I don't think I had enough "self-awareness" to feel pain, much less remember, it so it was really hard to hurt me. My little ADD world was a very happy place! Behavioral problems in school? They had to FIND me first! I would often stay up for 3-4 days solid and often only went to class when I needed some rest. I slept in class so often, they snapped a photo of me sleeping at my desk and used it for my senior high school yearbook picture! I always aced all the final exams though with close to 100%, state-wide regents exams too!

They couldn't put me on medication because ADD hadn't even been coined as a phrase yet, so they didn't even know what was wrong with me.

Therapy was nowhere near as effective as the special classes my parents sent me to learn "coping mechanisms". I learned speed reading, memorization, and study techniques to compensate for my short attention span. I learned organization skills to compensate for my "forgetfulness." I even had to attend elocution classes to learn proper pronunciation and how to slow down my speech so others could understand me.

They didn't quite have the desired effect, but they actually did help. It wasn't until I became an adult though that I learned how to fully utilize them. They serve me well to this very day.

I was that way many long years before my parents divorce. My parents kept their adult problems to themselves so it wouldn't effect us, and I was hardly even aware that our dad had moved out. So they had nothing to do with it, and your SS's problems may not really have anything to do with you either.

Best of luck!
finedreams
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
eddifer just to clarify I meant he might have ODD not ADD. Oppositional defiant disorder. hard to diagnose, often comes across as being plain rude, but it sounds to me like that's what he might have. Please check into it.

My step son is making me crazy.

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liesbeth

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