giving advice not attacking

14 years ago

I only started writing on this site because I needed advice,instead I've been attacked over and over again.You all really don't know the whole story about the BM and my DH so why the attacks I try to help others when they ask of it,not knit pick them to death.Thanks for all your encouragement,I want what is best for the girls and always have.Did the word mental illnesses ever come into to play for you people? We are very happy together and try to do right like others.You all start in on me like a mob.I can't stand how vile you all are.I had my husband move in with me because I loved(love)him and was supportive of him for giving them the extra 2 yrs.to get on their feet.I commend him for staying in a loveless marriage where all she thought of him was just a paycheck.She is a very sick woman.He couldn't afford to be on his own those 2 yrs.Every cent he made went to pay on them.Now its over and she still owns him but it doesn't matter because we are happy.I will always encourage him to check up on the girls but I can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do.Thank you to the one person on this site that had alittle empathy for me.Just remember advice, not hatred attacks.I know all of you that responded are just perfect angels who have never found truely profound love like I have.I won't post again. you are no help to anyone in this household or my SD's.

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Comments (7)

justmetoo
14 years ago
Good. Great. Wahoo for you. Have a wonderful life.

And for the record: I might not be perfect and little horns may replace my halo from time to time, but *I* have never stolen anyone's father, tried to replace anyone's kids with 'delightful' subsitutes as a consolation prize, nor denied anyone access to their parents.
ulrike1
14 years ago
Punkintm, sorry you walked into an episode of the Jerry Springer show instead of an advice situation, ha. This board is indeed more of a debate board than a support board, since many posters are here because they are angry at their ex-spouses and their ex-spouses' new partners--and that's OK. You can still get some good advice but I agree that when people have made up their minds about something and project their fury, there's not a lot you can do. I think there are other stepmothers boards that are exclusively for stepmoms and not for stepmoms plus people who are dealing with stepmons? That might be a safer place. (I like to come here because I get some insight on how my husband's ex-wife might be thinking--my kids have a stepmom too, but for whatever reason I am comfortable with that.)

Assuming you are reading this, I would just say that you and your DH should be as forward thinking as possible. Right now your SDs are hurting and probably feel horribly conflicted and torn. Be patient with them, be unwavering in your expression of support for them, let them know they are always welcome and that you love them. That message may be hard for them to hear over their mother's anger and their own grief, but eventually it will seep through, and the older they get, the more it will mean to them. If they try to rehash the break-up, your DH should continue to reassure them "that's not something you need to worry about, that's between your mother and me." He shouldn't trash her in any way, no matter what he thinks or what she has done. He should give them the precious gift of not burdening them with the fallout of his decision and the failures of their marriage.

Good luck to your family.
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Come be my mom! Sometimes I ask for her advice and she is so worried she'll get it wrong, even if it's what I need to hear... she won't give it. She's gotten better over the years. I think she also thought she wasn't qualified to give it. I've gotten better tough love from GW than from her on occasion. Bless her little soul. She knows I love her and I know she loves me. :) So. Here's my suggestion. Ask them before they start or as soon as you realize they're "talking/asking advice", ask them if you're supposed to just hear them or if they want your advice. I learned to preface my conversations with my family members a long time ago and it helped cut down on friction. When I know I just want to be heard, I'll say, "Can I just vent?" or if I want advice I say, "What do you think about this?" and then end it with "It's ok if you don't agree with me. And I may or may not follow it, yours is just one opinion I am getting". It seems to free up the "listener" and help me be less frustrated because I am more certain with where I am going with what I am saying. Hope this helps you. It's good to be near your family, isn't it?
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finedreams
14 years ago
you can be angry but it really does not matter to us, you have to live your own life no matter what we say. No, we do not have perfect lives, mine is for sure very far from perfect. But if I ever post here that I stole someone else's man, moved in with married man, and now am happy he does not see his children then I'd prefer people tell me how it is.

If you would post here that you made a mistake and now want to do right by his children, maybe you'd get different response, but all you do is blaming others for your own and DH's wrongdoings.

and of course exwife is crazy. roll my eyes here...every TOW (when confronted) says that his exwife was mentally ill, or lesbian or only wanted money. like it justifies something. like anyone cares.
kkny
14 years ago
Alright, here's my advice. Tell therapist the truth, that you were OW, that you are glad he left loveless marriage, no matter what that did to kids. Have therapist meet with kids alone, get kids side. I doubt you'll do that. Becuase it seems to me that you only see blame as one way. If anyone blames you or DH, they are bad. But you and DH can blame skids and anyone else you want.
justmetoo
14 years ago
--"Did the word mental illnesses ever come into to play for you people?"--

I hope that you remember that as your DH goes into the future with his daughters , and keep that thought with an open mind, as mental illnesses can be hereditary leaving a predisposition towards in the lineages. Will there be any 'empathy' for and/or a held out supportive hand of concern from your DH towards the girls then? Or will the advice from his therapist still be the same as now?
steppschild
14 years ago
I have yet to respond to any of your posts and I am sorry if you think you got flamed over here. Perhaps if you could do things over again, you and DH would have done things differently and cleanly so that his DD's could have had the opportunity to process their parents' divorce. It didn't happen that way and they view you as an interloper and their father in not the best light. I do have one question for you. How come BM got custody of her kids when she has mental illness?
finedreams
14 years ago
since when mental illness of a partner justifies cheating? it actually makes it worse: cheating on ill person. Unless OP meant that her DH is the one with mental illness-like sex addiction or impulse control or something else that causes making impulsive decisions.

giving advice not attacking

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justmetoo

ulrike1

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