" Last night my sweetheart said he was tired of them being angry and wants me to stay at my shop each night, an extra 3 hours, until they go to bed, then I can come home."

Is this post even for real?

If so, you need to leave. The above statement would be enough for me to walk out, no questions asked.

And I wanted to clarify---I meant leave the RELATIONSHIP, not leave your house!

Unfortunately it is all too real. I'm so hurt and in shock, I can't stop crying. I need to get a grip and end this nightmare now. before it gets any worse.

This is not good alizeran, not good at all. As I was reading your post I thought you were describing 'the usual' problems with the skids but when I got to the bit where your SO asked you to stay in the shop for another 3 hrs, THAT is not ok. Don't you start doing that ok, you don't have to do anything like that and I feel awful for you!!

A few thoughts that come to mind: when SO has 50/50 custody it doesn't get much fairer than that. What does he mean by 'making up for it'?

You feel like "not one of the family" and I think that's completely justified because you're not treated as such.

How did you last through the past 1.5 yrs???

It's not you!!!!!!!!!! The skids are acting up because of the situation, my guess is that any other woman in your place would have received the same treatment, so it's not YOU!!!!

I think that you need to get real serious about this real soon. Your SO needs help to work through his feelings of guilt towards his kids, because that is what he's suffering from by the sounds of it. Then he also needs to learn how to parent his kids, parenting classes can be a great start. But only after SO sorts his own issues out first, otherwise it's not going to work.

Probably the skids can do with some help of their own, talk to a counselor for example. The skids will need time to adjust and to work through the issues, but that doesn't have to be a deal-breaker. My guess is that you can hang in there with that; as many steps and bio's manage.

However, your SO's behavior is an absolute deal breaker for me, it's unacceptable. Full stop. Unless he's willing to go to counseling or therapy himself, with you, I would not hang around. Can you go to a friend or family? Or maybe move out first and go to counseling till you feel you are ready to come home.

You do not have to feel like that going home to your own home. SO needs to deal with the real issue here and count his blessings that you have been so understanding up till now.

>>>>
Liesbeth

Does your "Sweetheart" know where the curb is?

Having children wish for their bio parents to reunite is normal. Having a spouse or significant other indulge his spoiled brats in this type of behavior and insult you the way that he has in inconceivable to me and a deal breaker.

This man would out of my house so fast his head would spin. You are not even married to him right? Well thank God for that............how do you love someone that would have such little regard for you?

I would enjoy packing his things and theirs and setting everything on the front lawn.....stay at your shop for an extra 3 hours so THEY won't be angry???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? Having them walk into another room ( of your home ) when you enter the room ( of your home ) that they are in??????????????????? Is this for real?

Is it your house or his house you live in?

alizeran......I am sorry to blow like that but you should run not walk out of this relationship. Please do not allow this to continue. You would be better off alone. Please let us know what you do....I think everyone of us that reads this will want you to stand up for yourself and clean house.

I too wonder how you have lasted for the last 1.5 years. Do your grown children know of this? I would think they would be very upset.

Its my house. when I divorced my ex husband, I didn't have a credit rating, it was like I did not exist. I begged an apartment manager to let me rent, they decided to give me a chance though they couldnt verify my credit worthiness. After being turned down 3 times, was able to get a phone. Worked two jobs long and hard to make enough for a down payment for my house. After a couple years, met him, he was already divorced and living in an apartment. His ex lives in the big fancy house, he pays her mortgage, alimony and child support. He thinks that on the weeks he doesnt have the kids, I can come home at the normal time and the two of us can be together. On the weeks he has the kids, I am supposed to stay away. I can't deal with this pain any longer.

He asked me not to tell my grown kids that he is requiring this

some 11 and 14 years old are a pain. saying that...Your SO's behavior is inconsidered. I would come home when i want and would not stay 3 hours anywhere. He allows his selfish kids run the household, fine, his problem, but you do not need to be a part of it. What for?

Alizeran....
He is putting his kids first because he feels guilty. I am tired of all fathers and/or mothers with kids feeling guilty for the kids. They made their decision to leave and obviously were unhappy. It seems like the other woman always gets put last and they are no longer important.

If he asked you to stay 3 hrs longer at the shop that means he is choosing his kids over you. Unacceptable, I would pack his clothes and throw them on the front lawn and say you are DONE. Get out of MY HOUSE. He has chosen his children over you and you are not important his kids come first and ALWAYS will.

Get out of this relationship now before you get hurt anymore. You don't deserve this. You deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. Someone will love you for you and you deserve so much better. DO NOT sell yourself short. I did and I have learned my lesson. Will not do it again. I am happier being single. I love my life and no one can hurt me.

You tell WHO EVER you want!!
SO must know that it's not on if he asks you to keep it quiet!! That is crazy.

And since it's your house, they will have to go. The more you write the more I agree with Believer and LoveHadley.
Time to pack up.

It's like he's still married to ex, paying mortgage, alimony and child support?? While he has the skids 50%??
That is not good. He could be contributing so much, again, out of guilt, but whatever the reason; it's not good.

And please don't feel bad that they would have nowhere else to go. The skids can go back to BM for as long as it takes SO to find a place. Sounds like he has enough money to give to BM so he should be able to pay rent for his own appartment. And anyway; THAT is not your problem, don't make it your problem either.
You could even drop their stuff off at BM's place yourself if that's easier. Rent a little van for the day, get your friends over and load it up. Then change the locks. Seriously. Get a friend or family to stay over at your place for support. Or go and visit them, take a break. Don't stay home alone and let your thoughts run wild, have somebody there to help you through. You'll be amazed how quick you'll feel stronger. You are a strong person, you just need to feel that again.

And ring your own children now. You need support from your own loved ones, SO knows you will get it and he's trying to deny you that. How selfish and mean and UN-LOVING. When somebody does stuff like that they don't really love you,
I'm so sorry..

Call you kids now ok??

Oh and by the way: I suggested dropping their stuff off at BM's rather than putting it out the front because it just saves the hassle of having the dramatic scene at your place. Anything to make it as smooth and quick as possible.

I would feel like putting it out the front, for sure, but I think you might have dramas out the front, or what if he doesn't pick it up soon enough, to take it back to BM's yourself gives YOU control, even though it's a bit more work that's worth it.

thank you to everyone, I appreciate the comments and thoughts. I called my SO (he is at home with the kids) and told him he needs to decide, if we are going to be a family, that is great, but that I am done being treated like this and if it means we break up, that is what will be. I don't like confrontation or drama, but he needs to decide, either I can come home and his kids act decent, or we are done

This situation is ridiculous!!! NO FRICKIN WAY should you have to stay away from YOUR home because his daughters get angry!! He needs to deal with their anger in a different way. He is showing them that they can always get their way if they act mad. That is poor parenting at its finest! He does not want to deal with them so he walks all over you.

Do not put up with this. Sit him down and tell him how you feel and that you will NOT accept this idea. Tell him how much you love him and his kids, but its time he steps up and becomes a parent instead of a puppet his kids hold the string to.

Tell him you refuse to live under conditions where you are not allowed in your own home at certain hours. You will also not be called "stupid" or disrespected. He needs to decide if he wants to be a husband and a parent or if he wants to be single again and a puppet for his kids. Point out that this behavior will continue with anyone he dates and unless he wants to be alone all his life (yes they will continue this behavior into adulthood) he needs to squash this nonsense now!!! Let them be mad, they will get over it and become better people for it.

I don't know if the decision is up to him anymore, I reckon you should decide for yourself.

I don't think he's going to just change now, even though I hope for you that he would, but he probably needs more of a wake up call than this. Don't put up with empty promises..

Did you ring your kids yet?? Please do!

I second third fourth ... whatever number we are at what everyone else has said... That is absolutely ridiculous!!! And yes, call your kids. I think you need their support.

That is crazy!

How long did your SO and BM divorce? Have you tried forming a relationship with SD's or has your SO discouraged it?

Call your kids. Anyone who tries to tell a parent that they shouldnt call their kids and tell them whatever they want to (OK, lets exclude sexual stuff, etc) has another strike against him. And this guy alreay has his share of strikes.

Nivea -- I dont think the main problem is the relationship with the stepkids, its the relationship with her SO.

KKNY, I agree...thats why I wondered OP's answer if SO discouraged it in anyway from the begining. OP didn't state how long ago the divorce was, but that they had been together 4 years. So assuming at least 4 years they were divorced that is an absurdly long time for the girls to be acting like this, or Dad has some splaining to do about the relationship with BM.

There is only one reason why your sweetheart does not want your adult children to know about this. I'm guessing that he would be in for one hell of a confrontation.

It sounds to me like you have fought you way back to the top after the demise of your first marriage only to hand all of your hard work over to this man and his children. I'm sure that you have asked yourself..."Why in the world have I done that?"

Take back the life that you have worked so hard for my dear and make your own decision here. Do you really want to leave things in your sweethearts hands again? This NEVER should have happened. I see a fundamental flaw in his character for having treated you this way. I know that you love him or think that you do but lets be real here. This man is basically putting you out of your own house. Since he has met you his living conditions sound like they have improved a great deal. His arrangements with his divorce settlement sound as though he is giving way too much to his ex while asking you to "stay at your shop" while he and their children take over your home so his children won't be angry. Angry about what? That you have opened up your home and things to them? Angry that you have helped to improve their father's standard of living? Angry that after raising your own children into adulthood you are willing to do it again for children that treat you worse than hired help?

I know that you have been with him for 4 years and that it must be difficult for you to think about ending this relationship. There are plenty of men out there that would treat you well with love and respect. I hope that you will put yourself first here. I'm afraid that if you stay in this relationship you will regret it and that you will continue to have to fight to be treated decently by him and his kids.

I agree with everyone here.
Also agree that she should call her kids.

Sweetheart? HARDLY.

HE knows he is wrong so he wants this kept secret. He thinks so little of your feelings that he will make you 110% alone so he doesn't have to deal with the brats he has created. They act this way because he allows - and even encourages - it to happen. They should know right from wrong, but obviously dad doesn't so who is to teach them?

At this point there is no talking in my book. Just ask him which moving company he will be using this weekend to get he and the brats crap out.

I agree with everything said. But I'll only add one contrary thought, mainly because I'm loathe to tell a poster to up and leave based on one post, written in anger, when there might be more to consider.

It's possible that your S.O. [I won't add the 'B' just yet...] said what he said last night about you staying late at the shop not because he is being a cruel b*****d but more because he is being a clueless male desperate to find a quick fix to avoid the tension in the house. Is he geenrally an emotionally avoidant type? I'm not saying it justifies his absurd suggestion, but that it may point to the fact that he's desperate and clueless and that you both could benefit from discussing the situation with a counselor to get some real solutions.

I think that ---unless he is a b******d about other things--- it might be premature to leave him or get overly outraged at his comment last night. Yes, it was a ridiculous thing to suggest you simply *disappearing* to avoid the problem, and it was particularly insulting given that it's YOUR HOUSE. But it's possible it was just a 'thrown-out-there' crazy idea spoken in a moment of frustration and that very soon he will realize how unviable and insulting the suggestion was. (It's possible he didn't want you telling your kids about it because he already knows how ridiculous/insulting it was to say it.) However, it shouldn't be insulting primarily because of a feeling that he "chose the kids over you" (even though it certainly appears that way on the surface) like that's some kind of taboo sin because the challenge of blending a family is so much more complicated than that sort of apples-and-oranges comparison and it is true that often a parent does have to put their children first. So that in itself should not be the factor that is so offensive. (But if it is, it's an indication that a relationship with a man with kids is not something that is ideal for you.) What should be the main offensive thing is that he proposes telling YOU to leave your own house because he is unwilling/unable to discuss anything HE could do different to help things. At least *at that moment* last night he was unwilling. Hopefully he will be open to discussing it after he has had a little more time to come to his senses. If he's still unwilling/unable, then I'd think about leaving the relationship because that suggests a controlling person who takes no responsibility for their own choices.

I'm also not going to say leave (or kick him out) but I will say that you need to find a way to be more assertive. You have to decide what your self worth is and what YOU deserve, not worry about him (or his kids) at the moment. You are in no way responsible for HIM or his kids. First, you are not even married to him... btw, you're very fortunate to see this problem BEFORE legally tying yourself to someone. But, you need to ask yourself if he loves you, respects you and is treating you the way you deserve to be treated? THEN decide where your relationship should go. You should command he treat you the way you deserve because otherwise, you will continue to be walked on and feel frustrated. Nobody needs a man THAT bad... especially not someone that is independent enough to buy a house on their own.

If he isn't willing to parent his kids, then you have to decide if that's something YOU can live with. If he disregards your feelings or opinions, is that something you can live with. From your post, it sounds as if you have allowed it to progress to your breaking point and I can't imagine anyone telling me to 'stay away' for ANY reason.

The other issue that disturbs me is if he is interfering with your relationship with your adult children. I might be tempted to invite all my adult kids (and spouses/SO's, including any grandkids) over on a week when his kids are with their mom.... then call him up and tell him "can you please not come home until we are all done visiting and they leave?" I'd LOVE to be a fly on his wall to catch his reaction. But, that is my passive aggressive side and I am reluctant to tell you to do that because it would probably only make things worse. But, you get my point? What would HE say if the tables were turned? Is your relationship a two way street or One way only?

I think it would be more interesting to invite your adult children and their spouses/SO's while sweetheart and his children are there. I would like to see if the young kids have the guts to treat you in their usual manner why your adult children are present. While you are all there perhaps that would be the best time to discuss your being asked to remain away from your home while the ingrates and their father have 3 hours of piece and quiet and he can tuck the little babies into bed without your evil presence.

I am sorry but what you have posted here is such a display of cruelty on OP's and his children's part that I can't get past it to entertain the thought that he might have redeeming qualities. Does he treat you like a queen unless his children are in your home and then you are not fit to be in the same room with his kids when they are in your home? Give me a break. If my SO or husband suggested that I not come home for 3 hours for the reasons that you stated I would be so hurt and so angry that I would never get over it and our relationship would die. Not to mention the other treatment that he has allowed you to receive at the hands of his children. You have been together for 4 years. If you have not earned his respect and the respect of his children in that amount of time I would say it isn't going to happen.

You also stated that he pays ex's mortgage payment and alimony in addition to child support while having the children 50% of the time. That sounds excessive to me and not something that would not be easy to live with either.

If my girl friend came to me with this problem I would tell her to leave. If her SO brought her flowers, cooked her meals and washed the dishes but allowed her to be treated this way by his children and asked her to stay away from her home because he refused to man up and parent his children correctly I would tell her to leave. I have a hard time believing that your SO isn't somewhat of a jerk in other areas of your relationship.

Go ahead....have your kids over and see how his kids behave. I would love to be a fly on the wall then.

How much older than your sweetheart are you? Or, are you?

Well, well, well, another of those...this is to unreal to be real threads. Where did that self supporting woman, who established credit for herself and bought a home go to? Now your home has turned into a hostile environment and you being told to stay away??????????

Are you so desperate to have a man that you put up with that kind of treatment?

"Sweetheart" didn't fall in love with a doormat -- He fell in love with a self-reliant woman who had pulled herself up by her bootstraps! But she seems to have disappeared. In the famous words of Mufassa (Lion King -- delivered in a low, booming voice) "Remember who you are!"

Repeat to yourself "This is MY HOUSE and I WILL NOT be disrespected here. Anyone who cannot behave with civility and respect is welcome to leave." Then once is sinks in with you and you BELIEVE it, repeat it to the three others who desparately need to hear it.

The key is not saying too much.
To many words weaken your message and allow others to twist them into something they can argue with.
Keep it short, simple and direct;
deliver your message calmly and with a level gaze,
and then you'll be taken seriously.

The key is not saying too much.
To many words weaken your message and allow others to twist them into something they can argue with.
Keep it short, simple and direct;
deliver your message calmly and with a level gaze,
and then you'll be taken seriously

Sweeby gave some really good advice here. I am notorious for letting my emotions get in the way... especially when DH and I have an agruement. (In school a close friend said I had an emotional mind that anyone that would last being with me needed to be logical to counteract that) I have gotten frustrated in more than a few arguements because he is calm as a cucumber but I am getting upset. It is never until I am calm cool and direct that I get my point across. Excellent Excellent advice!! Something I work on daily myself.

If you aren't married to him, you can ask him to vacate the premisses wihout much commotion. Give him 30 days. If he does not move out, evict him.

I agree with liesbeth. Don't put their stuff on the lawn. Too much drama if he starts arguing. Drop their stuff at BM's. Since he pays her mortage anyways, he might as well move in there along wiht his "wonderful" kids. Oh and it is your house, SDs live there and yet have no shame to be rude to you. throw them out, all three of them. And change the locks.

PS Just noticed..he lives in your house but pays Xwife's mortgage? Is this post for real?

Alizeran,
Have you given them the boot yet? Your bf is tired of them being angry to you have to keep away from your house for an extra 3 hours? hahhah...nooooo.
I agree with many on this, boot the 3 out to bm house. He's paying for it right? so its not the kids that will be out of a home its him.
I suggest like others on this, pack daughters stuff first, drop them off to their mothers house. Then pack his stuff and leave it on the front porch.
And say, have a nice life. Goodbye!