Can't Accept My Stepson
TheNewMomma
21 years ago
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angel18515
17 years agolast modified: 9 years agolaurels4u
17 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
Ex hit stepson...how do we deal with it without scaring stepson?
Comments (9)Personally, I think it was a mistake for your husband to call his ex. We've dealt with this for two years now, SD goes to her mom's and tells mom 'stuff' and mom calls dad up, yelling & ranting at him.. not 'discussing' as reasonable parents should. From your post, it sounds as if he didn't call when he was calm & reasonable, he was upset. She responded with anger or defensiveness, which is not going to resolve any conflict or resolve the problem he hopefully wants to resolve. (and my SD has also been sitting next to her mom when mom calls dad to yell at him and she'll be crying and begging mom to stop... then I'm sure she feels this is all her fault. Not a good position for a kid to be in.) Kids will play up the parts of a story they know mom or dad will react to and the truth is, there isn't much you can do about what mom did. Unless there is a bruise of other evidence of abuse, involving CPS on a one time incident is going to subject the child to further trauma... if it's an ongoing problem, then maybe intervention would be appropriate but it sounds to me like mom was stressed out and reaching out to dad for help by calling him. When she called to say she was going to hit him, what did dad say to her? Did he offer to take the child since she was obviously stressed out? I think one resolution would be to give mom help with reducing stress, which may be more time at dad's and maybe the parenting classes or counseling to help her deal with problems. I don't think it would help to call CPS or file to take her child away from her if she is otherwise a reasonable parent that just had a bad day. Last year, I was put in the position of being accused of hitting my SD. She wanted her mom's attention so she told her mom that I hit her all the time. Her mom called CPS on us claiming my 18 year old daughter grabbed SD by the arm, dislocating her arm. All of it was untrue, nobody has ever hit or grabbed SD in our home and CPS closed the case because it was an obvious lie, but the point is that it put my SD through additional turmoil of us having to take her to the doctor to be examined and she was pulled out of class at school to be interviewed... and all the time, she knew this was because she told her mom that I had hit her.. which was made worse for her because she knew it was a lie. I don't think she realized what a big deal it would become. and it's no picnic to be falsely accused of abusing a child!...See MoreJealous of my stepson
Comments (7)Ok.. since everyone else has completely beat you down i have to put my two cents in. i understand how you feel and i understand that you can't control how you feel in your heart. My boyfriend has two girls and they really like me.. i know i'm lucky considering what other women go through and the horror stories on here. i will admit i favor one of the girls over the other. One is easy going (kid A)and the other is in constant need of attention and is not as kind hearted as the one i favor (kid B). You know the kind.. she loves the mirror and she's quick to stick her tongue out at times.. basically the girl i hated in high school. i tend to notice that her Dad seems to like her better, although he would never admit it! Anyway, with me, i'm the problem child. i'm the selfish one because even though i am giving of my time and taking on a SITUATION and i'm good to them equally, i still consider myself selfish at times because every now and then i feel very jealous of kid b.. and only kid b. If it was just easy going kid A, i would have no problem with her. But when i see my boyfriend cuddling and adoring Kid B i want to cringe and vomit at times. i know a lot of this stems from my own dad not being the psychologically correct dad that actually plays with his kids, talks about their feelings and their kid life with them. My dad would do anything for me, but not once did we play catch or monopoly or anything that was all about me. Ok, one time we had a daughter/father day but that was it. My mom must have said something to him. So now that i'm a grown woman and i finally found a great guy i feel pretty pissed off occasionally that his kids take so much of his adoration and attention and i'm not the one and only apple of his eye.. even though i KNOW IT'S THE RIGHT THING FOR HIM TO DO. i wish he had a son instead of two girls, so that i could not be so aware of attention games that girls often throw out there. We are going on 5 years now and i had hoped that i could shake this disease of mine. It's gotten better, but you know, we live in a new world of mixed families and it's a new struggle. You probably just want your man all to yourself.. as do i. But i just tell myself that i am probably in their lives for a reason (i treat them better than their mom)and maybe i'm here to clear out some old karma. It's not the worst thing that could happen and the more you focus on it, the worst it will get. If i continue to have issues i will go to a psychologist. i also want to start meditating again and just focus on being good and doing the right thing, because maybe this situation is here to make me a better person. i just wanted to reach out to you because, hey, i get it. i know what you're feeling. When i try to talk to my best friend about it, i get responses like the ones above.. "you're being a jerk". But you don't grow up and become numb.. you are always growing. When you feel jealous, take a breather and do something nice for yourself. Also i find that it's a good remedy to spend time alone with the girls after i've pulled myself together. And third if i lose my cool with them, i think it's ok to let them know that i never said i was perfect, i say something like, "you know, i'm sorry i snapped at you, i'm just having a bad day today." Create your own situation.. and think of him as a child you were both meant to nurture. Good luck.You are not a bad person.. probably just got hurt somewhere in your life that has nothing to do with your step son. Try patting yourself on the back on occasion because a lot of people would not be strong enough to be a step parent. Look for the root of your problem and deal with that head on. Also, if you aren't getting the attention you need from your man, that is a whole other issue that you will need to take up with him. In the real world, ppl are not all consumed with our problems and sometimes people raise kids in a way that makes them think they are the center of the earth. Those people are the ones you can't stand working with. They are the ones that say incredibly obnoxious things. And even though we should spend a great deal of time with children, it does not mean you should not have adult time to yourself or with your husband as well. In addition, it wouldn't hurt to talk things out with him and possibly get a pat on the back from him too. Some parents think nothing of spending 24/7 w their kids and over look the fact that maybe that's not your ideal way to spend the day. Best of luck to you. And here's a couple pats on the back from me!...See Moredislike stepson - need help to save my marriage
Comments (13)Ok...I don't have teenagers (yet!) and after reading this I might lock them in closets between 13 & 18 (just kidding *LOL*) but truthfully. I've worked with teenagers and agree that some of this is just where they are emotionally (if you remember - it was an awkward time!), some of this is his issues with his parenting (mom leaving, dad making little to no effort), part of this is his testing your love for him. (Ever read the children's book "mama do you love me?" it is all about that test of love for children.) But part of me thinks that you have allowed a level of disrespect from him in the past 4 years and still given him things that please him. Children have the ability to change their behavior parent-according. Like Alstep's SK knowing that dad is a marine who would never tolerate such behavior. I'm strict so my SS(s) pull less with me than with other parental figures (BM, Grandparents...etc.) It is hard to correct behavior that probably should have been nipped in the bud years ago but I would still try. I agree with all the previous posts in that aspect. He is not a lost cause. Most importantly, however, is exactly what others have said. Your DH needs to step up and instead of thinking "this is magically going to change when SS leaves" you need to be thinking "this needs to change now." This is not going to sound very nice but DH's "let you deal it" attitude is a form of disrespect as well. After all - this is HIS biological child - it is MORE his problem than yours (that is not to say that you didn't sign-on as a mom when you married a full custodial parent but I really feel like DH was burnt out on being a dad so when you came into the picture he used you as his vacation from parenting.) I've seen this behavior before. Knowing that you will step up and do what needs to be done has taken a weight off of him (and unjustly put it on you!) And you have allowed it (while secretly brewing resentment and frustration for the past 4 years since you unknowingly volunteered to be a single parent in a marriage.) You need to talk to DH and let him know that parenting needs to be a SHARED adventure (which is sometimes a shared headache!) You may see better results with a counselor because things that are "objective" coming from a third party are "personal" coming from your spouse. Although you have put all of this stress and frustration on your SS ("I hate him"), it is not REALLY about him or his behaviors. It is about the fact that you feel alone in a no-win situation and would like a little help from the other parent in your home. You, and every parent on the planet (biological, step or adoptive) needs respite! Respite can come in the form of what I call "daddy duty" when I just NEED to sleep in, be alone in a store, or have a "girls night out" (we've obviously got littler ones.) It is joint-parenting. I'm very fortunate that my DH and I agree on discipline and that he is very intuitive to my needs. He seems to know when I'm being pushed to the brink and he steps up to relieve me saying "I've got it this time". You are lucky that you are married (I don't know how single parents do it!) You need to UNITE with your spouse and decide how you are going to handle this situation TOGETHER. It is not fair that you probably feel like a single mom who never even gave birth. (My DH is great but I've felt that way myself. Luckily, when I voiced it, he was receptive to it but he wasn't always as instinctive as he is now!) You MAY be frustrated with your SS's behavior but he is NOT the center of this problem. And won't it suck when he leaves in three years and the problem doesn't go with him! Has dad ever given him just dad-son time? It seems to me that this boy is crying out to be acknowledged by his father. He is becoming a man and wants to know how. Your DH needs to show you more respect by stepping up to his responsibilities as an example to his son. If Dad doesn't take on responsibility and doesn't show you respect, why should he? SS could also be anticipating the destruction of a marriage here (he doesn't need to know that you don't make love to know something isn't right!) Maybe your DH could discuss having a weekend fishing trip (or something) with just he and SS but that SS has to earn it by following the rules, doing his homework, and being respectful. There HAS to be something that SS does "care" about. Has DH ever sat down and talked to SS about what he is so down about? Can you level with him at all?...See MoreMy Stepson wants to get rid of me
Comments (28)I would agree with some posts that mom should take the primary role of discipline. I do not discipline my skids. I'll verbally tell them off if they talk back to me but they clearly know i'm a fair person and i just do not take anyone cr*p including their dads...lol... I butt heads with stepdaughter but not directly. Its what she says to her dad that i just get up in arms. demanding that we do not do anythign until she visits...so i told my dh...so your son and our son will suffer and be bored until she decides to comedown to visit and will only visit if we are 'doing ' a trip outting??? how shallow is that???? he thanks God told her that regardless whether she was here or not plans will be made and that she will just miss them if she is not here. And he said this ot her before i gave my opinion so i'm glad that this values are instigated. Its not fair to my SS or son that they miss out on a trip because she decided to be withher friends....i'm ranting....sorry. Yah, about the divorce line, kids say the darndest things. You know , even when things are going great here in my household, a few years back at the beginning of the relationship, the kids would do this. THey would pop up saying out of the blue if my dh would get back togheter with mom....i think its just the kids are having a good fun time and it reminds them of what they had in thepast and i dont think you should think too much of it...i know it hurts...and you feel...wtf? what am i doing wrong? You doing nothing wrong...its just an innocent child expressing something , a need, they clearly do not fully understand. Continue with the positive reinforcement, step back onthe discipline and let mom spank her child. I'm old school as well and believe that a little spank when things get out of hand needs to be dealt with but i do not believe in spankingother peoples children. I wouldn't want my child spanked by stepmom or stepdad or even aunt, uncle etc... My SD slapped my sons hand for doing something bad. I told her, no, you do not discipline, its my job and my job only wth your dad. You are not an adult. (biomom places her as the discipline for her younger brother so she assumes the role with no thought) I know your mom places you inthe position but under my roof you will not have that title. She never did it again and i think she is happy in not feeling responsible. I do not beleive in placing such responsibility on a child shoulders..they should concentrate onlearning,,having fun and being a kid....See Morecopiano23
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