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Can't Accept My Stepson

Posted by TheNewMomma (My Page) on
Fri, Jan 10, 03 at 18:26

I don't know what it is but I just can't stand having my SS12 around. He's not that bad of a kid and we don't see him that often but there are so many things that grind on my nerves about him. I'll list just afew of the things that are irking me:
-> He's always trying to grind on my nerves asking the same questions over and over or asking completely stupid questions that you would expect of a 4 year old.
->His relationship with his dad is terrible, it's like he's not even his dad sometimes, more like a babysitter that he calls dad. But I guess that's because they haven't seen each other more than a month out of the year for the past 11 years.
-> He never really wants to spend time with us (even his dad) because if he's staying with us and we're not doing anything "Fun" then he calls his mom and complains he wants to go home.
-> He never calls his dad unless he wants something or to make plans for when he comes to see us. And when his dad calls there no one answers the phone, even when we know there's someone home.
-> He shows me and my family no respect. My parents or I will do something for him or give him a gift and all we get is dirty looks and never a thank you. Even if DH and I buy him a gift and DH points out that I picked it out the thank you never comes to me, only dad.
-> He's a spoiled brat that thinks he can get away with anything when he's with us despite being punished or told off.
-> and his BM just adds to all the problems. She makes him the way he is. She's been manipulating and shaping him for 12 years and DH doesn't get the time to try and make him a better person. 3weeks out of the year just doesn't cut it. And when he doesn't call or answer the phone it doesn't help anything either.

Well I'll stop my list because I'm getting frazzled just thinking about it all.
These are some of the things that really rub me the wrong way about the kid.
I don't know what to do. I've been to other message boards but all I get is women who have wonderful relationships with their Stepkids and love them to death. I'd like to hear from some people who have the same problem as I do.

I'm getting to the point where I tell DH "It's either him or me". But then he'll just say "well it's only 3 weeks a year and it's only for 6 more years". I know that but the problem is I can't stand the kid now.

I've heard of women who have gotten their husbands to stop having their stepkids come stay with them (my mother in law is one of them). I was wondering if there is anyone else out there who has tried this, or did this.

I'm not saying that I'm going to tell my husband "I never want that kid in my house again", but I have thought about it.

Please don't give me critism, just advice. And hopefully there are some stories out there of other women who have gone through or are going through the same thing.

Thanks for listening. Sorry it was so long.

Emma


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Can't Accept My Stepson

Emma,
If he is only coming around for three weeks out of the year can you just make the best of it?? He could be there everyo other weekend grinding your nerves. I dont blame you. I cant imagine having to deal with a brat just because my husband used to be married and had children with someone. This crap of "well you should have know bull"...if a kid is 12 and a brat than why not give it a break? I have to agree with you. I would not deal with my significant other have a brat that comes to stay with me period... Good luck keep us posted


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RE: Can't Accept My Stepson

NewMamma,

I can empathize with at least part of your situation. My SD is 9 and is only with us every other weekend and three times per year for a two week stretch.

Why is this so hard? Because her BM is the one molding and shaping her, and she is totally different than I. She is raising her daughter to be dependent and helpless. We don't have a whole lot of input into SD's upbringing because of limited time here, but we sure as heck try. Yes, there are times when SD grates my nerves so much that I just want to hide under the bed until she leaves! There are so many things she does that just annoy the heck out of me because they run counter to me and my beliefs, that are contrary to how I try to raise my own kids. I won't go into detail, but suffice it to say that she acts more like 3 than 9 most of the time. Dumb questions? Yes, I always get them! Questions like ... "where is the milk"? HUH?!!!! Or, with the cordless in her hand she'll yell out "the phone is ringing" ... well, uh ... ANSWER IT!

I do not love my SD, but I do care because she is part of my husband, and I respect that. And while she annoys me, I remind myself over and over that she IS NOT MY KID, and how she turns out is her mother's responsibility, not mine. My husband tries his best, but again, time here is limited.

The fact is that you can't get rid of your SK's, though I'd make a healthy wager that every one of us SM's has wished that from time to time ... if we're honest with ourselves. You're stuck with them! So, do your best to bite your tongue when you are annoyed and do what you can to shape healthy behavior in this child.

It's not easy -- the toughest job you'll ever have. And it takes endless patience and work. You don't have to LOVE your step kids, but try to be kind and respect them. Tough thing to do, I know. Boy do I know!


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RE: Can't Accept My Stepson

Be careful to remember that this is your husbands child. Nothing is more important to a parent than their own child. I'm afraid if you tell him it's either him or you then you'll be packing your bags sooner than you think. Put yourself into your husband position. How would you feel if he told you that it's either him or your child? I'm sure you'd send him packing.
Mom is right when she says that you don't have to love your SS but you do need to respect the fact that he is your husbands son. You married into this for better or worse and it is only 3 weeks out of the year. What's 3 weeks a year compared to a lifetime with your husband? Is it really worth losing your husband? It won't kill you to just grin and bear it will it?


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An ultimatum for your DH would be horribly unfair to your Husband and especially the child. What would happen if Bio Mom was in a car accident and you had to have the son permanently? What if, as a teen, BM can't handle him anymore and sends him packing to dad? What if she remarries and the boy decides he doesn't like his step dad and wants to live with dad? These are the things that should be considered before marriage. I am a believer of what goes around comes around. You pass sorrow around and it will come back to bite you. This boy probably needs his Dad badly - especially if his BM is not adequately parenting. Maybe you should give yourself an ultimatum .... accept this child or leave. What gives you the right to place that kind of choice on your husband? How can you hurt him this way? My step mother did not welcome us in her home. She had a dark, evil soul. If we called, she would hang up on us. If we sent Birthday cards, she would throw them out. Dad would sneak out once in a while to visit us and all of us kids would gather just for an hour of his time. I still wonder at his lack of guts to tell this woman that he didn't have to make a choice, but that is in the past. She tried to steal him from our lives and the lives of our children. She died a few years back and we have been blessed to have a chance to really get to know our Dad and have our kids meet and know their Grandfather. She died stewing in her own anger and resentment, saying that now he can be with his kids and saying mean things right up to the last minute. She lived her life with that black shadow in her heart and died with it. She could have had a wonderful life surrounded by people (we were adults at this time) that could have been an asset to her, enriched her life... that could have helped when she was sick. That would have been happy to help out. She had hoped that Dad would go first and she would inherit everything for her only son (said so many times). Money was her motivator - love was ours. Well, we now have a chance to love our Dad and enjoy the blessing of his presence in our life. I hope he spends every penny on himself during his life and leaves us nothing because the money means nothing without him. Do you want to spend your whole life like that? Just because the son is 18 doesn't mean the bond will be broken. He may not be visiting for 3 weeks but he may be even more a part of your life. He might marry and move in right next door to be near his old man. You are at the beginning of a relationship with your whole life ahead of you. Even if you do get your DH to choose you against his son - do you want to be the one thatis home while DH is sneaking around to visit his son? Can you live with your husband's resentment against you for depriving him of a relationship with his child? Can you live the rest of your life under a dark cloud? Everything you dscribe about this child is typical of step children. You are a stranger to him, that resents him. I'll bet your feelings are very evident to this child ... that might add to his indifference to you. Could some family counseling help? Personally, I could take 3 weeks of anything for my DH rather than hurting him.


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I think most of the problems stem from the fact that he hardly ever sees his father. How would you have time to bond with a person you don't see? How would you ever learn their rules, expectations, etc? He's with his mother most of the time in his life so it will take work and time to get him to like and be close to you, especially if it seems he's not close to his own father still at 12. Basically he's a house guest and think about when you have a friend or family member come stay over with you. They do things you don't like and can't stand but that's because they're not used to being in your house or spending that much time with you or your family. Or staying at another person's house...do you feel totally at home the whole time you're there? As for the stupid questions, haven't you ever heard that there are no stupid questions? The kid may generally want to know the answer and was never given one before! Honestly, I think more of an effort needs to be made on both your parts. The boy probably isn't going to pick up the phone and chat with you guys because he doesn't know you and probably doesn't feel all that welcome at your home when he is there.

All ultimatum is the WRONG thing to do. You married this man knowing he had a child. The child is part of the deal and you have to find a way to make it work. How would you like it if you had a child from a previous relationship and your husband told you it was either the child or him? I bet you'd chose your child and if not you would have to live with the guilt that you abandoned your own child.

~Leslie~


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RE: Can't Accept My Stepson

Sorry that the child is such a brat - - they sure can be! But a kid can be a brat even if he's not a step. I don't wonder that the boy and his father don't have a great relationship, if they've only seen each other that little amount of time per year and don't talk on the phone much (I understand that your husband has tried).

You asked that you don't get criticism, and I'm not criticizing. My opinion is that you should not ask your husband to choose between you and his child, or to stop having him come to your house, as you said your friends have done. Would you REALLY want a man who would choose a woman over his child? Would you ever choose a man over your child? If your husband said "I don't want you to have your child over here", would you abide by that??? I hope not, and I can't imagine that your husband would. I would have no respect or love for a man that would put his kid's emotional life at risk like that. Although, since you apparently don't live closely enough to the child, somehow it seems, and must to the boy, too, that he has been discarded.

Kids aren't disposable, to be thrown over for some new person simply because the new person doesn't like them; I don't know anyone who has asked their spouse to do that, but I'd kick them to the curb if anyone put that ultimatum on me.

My advice? Try to have some positive effect on this obviously troubled boy so that he can look back on his childhood and remember lessons learned from you, you as some mature, stable force in his life, and not resent you, so that you have at least some impact to him growing up to be a strong, mature man who knows values and kindness, and is a benefit to society. I understand that, since you don't even like him, it will seem very hard to do this, but it'll make you happier as you have a good effect on him and he comes to respect you.

Sincere best of luck! I hope that all 3 of you can work it out successfully.


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I too can relate to you. I have 2 SD'S ages 8 and 11. I dread every other weakend, the 2 weeks in June and 2 weeks in July and the week at Christmas. I have asked my husband to go to his mother's he refuses he says he wants us all to be a family. I don't. We have a 7 month old together and have been married for a year and 4 months. We got pregnant right away. The girls never stop asking stupid questions, never shut up. Never quit asking us to buy them things. The 8yr old poops her pants and wets the bed and has done so since she was 3. Her excuse "I still a baby". They have sucked their thumbs till they need braces. Won't bathe brush their hair or teeth unless they are told. They refuse to wear deodorant(They are big girls the 8 yr old weighs 139 pounds the 1 year old over 170.) They won't go outside and play by themselves at our house (the yard is fenced) because they are scared but run all over town by themselves when at there mothers. They ignore every thing I tell them to do and destroy my things. They have scratched letters into my antiques, broke very expensive dolls and numerous other things. No I do not love them, I do not even like them. I have feelings of guilt. I love my husband but I love my daughter also and my biggest fear is that she will be like her half sisters. I hate the way their mom is raising them. SORRY so long I'm just glad there is someone else out there having problems being a SM


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RE: Can't Accept My Stepson

I also wanted to let it be known there mother can not control these children and has stated that she can not stand to have them around at times.


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RE: Can't Accept My Stepson

Well I stumbled upon this while surfing the web, and I feel compelled to respond. I can completely relate to hating your stepson and not wanting him around, even if you dont have anything personal against him or bad to say. Just his very existence is what is bothersome. And ANY reply that discussed how improper it would be to make your husband "choose" or about how you might feel in the reverse role with your own birthchild...is completely OBLIVIOUS to what you're going through. There is absolutely no comparison of a mother/child relationship and a part-time-dad/child relationship. And in my case, the child was the product of a drunken sex fling, and certainly the Last thing my now husband ever gave any thought to(which likely is why he has to pay the price, but needless to say, there was never a "family" or any co-parenting going on). And the BM not raising her FOUR children from three different men up to MY standards does not make the stepson a poor victim of child abuse. He's just simply "someone else's kid" that I wouldnt want my children hanging out with.

So...in a nutshell? I didnt give my husband an ultimatum, I let it ride....until all hell broke loose, the cops were called, and it was a huge messy disaster that spun out of control. I tried to "make the best of it" and tell myself that every other weekend wasnt worth losing my husband and family over, but I ended up with so much resentment inside that it was unbearable. Long story short (yes, this is the short version), we went the divorce route but then changed our minds at the last minute. Thru it all we loved each other and wanted to be together. We lost our house, got separate apartments, and when we ended up back together, the ONLY times we had difficulty were regarding his son. So we removed it from the equation in order to start hashing things out, one at a time. Since our 2 young daughters and I were living in a small two bedroom apartment, and my husband moved back in with us, there simply wasnt room for the stepson. My husband also recognizes that the way stepson is being raised is not what we want our little girls exposed to. So YES, you CAN get rid of your stepson! It's been 3 years since that horrible night, and my husband still takes his visitation at his ever-enabling parents' house. Yes, he is gone every other weekend. But I prefer that over having the kid around me and my girls. And my girls know who the stepson is by name, but that's about it. They are not aware of the exact nature of "who" he is (they are 2 and 4). My inlaws hate it, but I dont care. I am finally happy. By the way, my last ditch effort would've been to move out of state. Living with stepson visiting (ie disrupting) our family was what was NOT an option. In my case, the stepson HAS a family at his own house. Even my husband is growing tired of having this pseudo-relationship with his son. He knows what a joke it is, because he has a real family with me. He's fulfilled his obligation since day one - paid child support and taken all visitations, just to put up with the continuing drama from the psycho birthmother even now, ten years later. My husband says he loves his son, but I personally think he feels obligated to. Like one person said, how can you have a bond with someone you dont really even know? And I HAVE been on the other side, during divorce proceedings, and even then I felt that my kids would be better off with no father at all than a part-time one. I've seen firsthand what sending kids back and forth does to them and the families. I truly believe stepson would be better off to just live with his mother, stepfather, and however many halfsiblings there are over there. ONE home is what's best for kids. Period.


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Better off with no dad than a part time one! Bullcrap. If not for my husband his daughters would not have the influence of a sane parent in their lives. The kids were hell on our marriage, but I made it clear that if he didn't tell them how to behave than I was going to. He got over the guilt of not living in the same house with them and started acting like an authority figure. Now they're 17 and 21 and all is quiet and calm. He never would have forgiven me if I tried to make him choose and I wouldn't ask him. And to say there's no comparison between the mother/child relationship and the part-time father/child relationship is more bull. My stepdaughters turn only to their father for advice and totally respect him. That's something they DO NOT have with their mother.


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well i have two stepchildren who live with me and there dad 24/7 plus our daughter who is 3 And it all started really well they were young 18months and two. so it wasnt hard for us all to adjust but then the boy who is now 8 is driving a right royal wedge between me and his dad. He is a spoilt kid who thinks the sun shines out of his dads bleep bleep bleep. but the 6 year old is no problem she is loving and defends me to a fight with her brother when he starts to yell at me. Even the two year old will put up a fight with her brother. Why the sudden change you are asking well his Mother turnerd up. she left them when they were 18 months and 2. she decided that the life she wanted didnt include her two kids. But then she has 3 further kids 12,14 and 5months old with differant dads and its only the 5 month old that lives with her the others live with her mum. Really Messed up . I get it all day every day, including he steals money from me, lies to me breaks things that are mine goes in my drawers and looks for things. Hates everthing i cook for him and has his dad round his little finger. His Dad grounds himm but only on week days, Mon/Fri. So at the weekends he gets wot he wants. And no matter what i say his dad will defend him other than when he stole money off me i took him down the Police station. He aint done it since but he plays a great game of Manipulating his Dad. sometimes i just want to pack up and go and take my Daughter with me. But i love his Dad and the 6 year old the 8 year old knows i love him but he says he hates me and wants me out.


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RE: Can't Accept My Stepson

I relate because I have trouble accepting my fiance's 2 boys. I guess after reading the other postings, they really aren't that bad compared to other descriptions. Their mother has a different value system than me and I don't respect her for it. I don't have contact with her and neither does my fiance except for e-mails regarding the boys. I'm just finding that whatever I try, I don't accept them. I've been to counselling with my partner trying to find ways to improve things. I wonder if there is an animal instinct going on that if the child still has their biological mother, you reject them automatically because they aren't your own blood or kind. Then from this things just compound and snowball until you can't help but say you hate them and wish they never existed!
I feel at odds most of the time when they are here, their mom won financially and we are basically broke and poor. It's humiliating, it's embarassing in some ways and within the first couple of months knowing my partner we got pregnant and chose to have an abortion.
I really am aware of how much I feel resentment towards these kids and just the fact they exist is killing a part of me. I want things to be the fariytale they would I have been with their father, Although a lot of the time it's unbearable, it's also bringing out other parts of me which are good. I guess but there's an ongoing cost for all this, it's perpetual doubt. I wonder did I make a mistake, when should I have abandoned this? It's too late now I am so in love with my fiance, I can;t handle the idea of life without him.
You aren't alone in not being able to accept this boy, but it doesn't make it easier for him or you to resent him and leaving won't make things easier for you either. Well maybe they will get easier by leaving but it will hurt too. Perhaps you just need to draw on all the support you can find available to you, other family members. friends, taking time outs. Identify what your needs actually are and how to ensure they are being met. And when it's your responsibility to meet them, make sure you are choosing what is good for you.

I keep telling myself that in a decade these kids will be adults and on to their own lives. Just another 10 years. Yet in the meantime, it's a balance between being happy and being resentful. Usually I am most happy when I focus on my own things. I have to let go. I am lucky that I don't have a child of my own but I am sad when I think about not being able to afford emotionally another child coming into what can be a very toxic relationship.


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Rosie, I am standing up and applauding! Well said. We have a choice to make about what kind of human being we are going to be. I do not think that people just wake up one day and are cruel/mean spirited people. I imagine it happens over time. I have at times wondered about weak men who would allow some woman to tell him that they cannot see their own children. Or to tell him that his own children are not welcome in their home. And you see these men sitting at McDonalds visiting their own children, because they lack the backbone to stand up to her, and be a man. You married a man with a child. You have a moral responsibility to treat this child with kindness and respect, AND to encourage your husband to be a father to his son. To guide this son of his with love, to adulthood. That is HIS FIRST responsibility. Who would want a man or woman who would abandon their own child for some woman, or some guy? Character is doing what is right whether you feel like it or not.


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My husband and I have been married for 4 years - dated 4 1/2 years before that. My husband has two sons (24 and 15) I have a daughter 11 who lives with us. My husbands ex is the devil herself so you can imagine how she raises her children. It has been a constant battle for my husband and his ex. He is the most wonderful man! His 24 year old is his - his 15 year old is not. His ex had an affair when he was in Desert Storm - got pregnant. My husband let her stay because of his first son being so small and not wanting to be away from him. He agreed to be a father to her new son only if she promised not to ever tell him that he was not his bio father and to never let the bio father in his "sons" life. She agreed and a couple of years later told my husband the other man was dead. They stayed married for total of 13 years, she continued to have affairs and my husband chose to ignore - just so he could stay with his boys. After we were married - things got really bad every other weekend. My stepson started stealing from me and my child (total of $400-$500) stole cd's and DVD's from our home and of course lied (till this day) about all of it...even though he was caught. The ex was calling our home all the time and making my husband miserable (my husband NEVER put their mom down). Then my husband found out she had his son in contact with his bio father (came back from dead) and he was seeing him and my stepson was calling him "dad". Things got even worse since then. The son denied all this to his father (even when my husband cried and begged him to tell him the truth). Things blew over in time and my husband chose to sweep under the rug. Then about 7 months ago, my SS threatened my daughter and me - poisoning and slitting of throat(looking me in the eye while holding a steak knife and said he could really do some damage-he was 14 at this time). Of course he denied this to my husband - but my husband knew I was not lying. Not to mention him shooting me a bird a couple of times. This was it for me...I set down with my husband and told him I was done. When I was so afraid that I had to sleep with my daughter when he came to visit - well that was just not fair to me and her. He told his son that until he would agree to get family counsiling with us and for himself - he could not come back. He was to apologize (genuinely) to me and my child. This all happened in June of 06 - he called once in August (thought everything had blown over) his mom had something to do but of course his apology was not sincere. Of course his moms remarks were "he is just a boy". Then 3 months later (she wanted to go out of town) he called and told me he was sorry. I told him that was a start but he can't wait until he is being MADE to come out and me think that was a genuine apology. We told him he could not come out but we could pick him up for lunch that weekend and talk- he refused. I love my husband so much and my daughter loves him like a father (she has her father in her life as well and her stepmom - we all get along). I do not feel guilty because I have tried for 4+ years with his children. At this point my husband continues to pay $700 a month (has NEVER missed a payment) - even though his bio father is obviously somewhere around. I know this young man is headed for prison, but his mother blames everyone else (so does the son) for his behavior. I do not know what else to do, we are a family with the three of us, my husband and I have not had an arguement in 7 months, since my SS has not visited. My SS would stand up in my face and yell at me, he would give me that "evil" eye when no one was looking then turn around when his dad entered the room and try and hug me and say "oh my stepmom" - I am not two-faced and eventually pushed him away and told him do not give me an evil look then turn around and act like you love me!! He is VERY sneaky and in all our eyes (including my husbands family). In the end I did not give my husband an ultimatum - I was going to leave and not come in between he and his son, because I could not imagine giving up my daughter (although my daughter is NOTING like that)but my husband did not want that - he finally admitted there was a BIG problem. His oldest son still lives with his mom - and there is little chance of a relationship between he and his father -unless he moves out. My husband has spoke with a lawyer about fighting child support-because he knows he is not being done right and his son has no desire to help work on the relationship...he believes that if he is having a "somewhat" relationship with his bio father then that is where the support should come from. My husband has put up with SO much from this situation and he has been deceived by his ex, his oldest son and his youngest son. This man should not go through anymore hell...but ex still continues to try.


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RE: Can't Accept My Stepson

NewMomma
Well I can relate to what you are saying and how you feel. My BF has a 4 year old and I dread the weekends when she comes over. I don't know what it is about her that I can't stand. I blame it all on her Bio mom because she acts just like her. She is 4 going on 14. She throws a tantrum about everything that has to do with me so her dad can come in and save the day. Anything she does, she knows her dad will always save her. Her bio mom didn't like the fact that I started a relationship with her baby daddy because she thought they would always get back together and keep in mind she doesn't know me.

I watch her while her dad is at work until he comes home and i just hate being there. Sometimes she is ok when it is just her and me because she knows I don't play that crap, but as soon as her dad comes home all the niceness goes out the window because he lets her.
-She is 4 years old and still uses a pacifier...yes I said it. Do you know how embarrassing that is when we go out.
-She always wants to be picked up and carried (even at home)
-She just cries until she gets her way, a spoiled brat that tries to get her way.
-I hate when she touches my things because she always breaks them. And her dad always gets made when I take them away.
Those are just a few problems. He always tells me she is just a baby, be nice to her, but she can treat me like crap...that's not fair to me! She is not a baby so stop treating her like one. We live together,it's my house too. If I see her doing something wrong especially with my stuff I'm going to say some thing.

By no means do I love this child, but I do love my BF. I ask god everyday to help me? I ask myself should I just leave? It's hard to just leave...we leave together a lot of memories. His daughter and I would have no problems if she would just straighten up. We have talked about her not coming over to our house anymore, it worked for awhile but he just started bringing her back and I hate it. I now just leave the house when she is there so I don't blow a gasket. Why do young kids do this? I just don't understand I was always taught to respect your elders no matter if they were your parents or not.


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RE: Can't Accept My Stepson

I read your message and I understand that it is frustrating, but I must say it bothers me.

I am a step-child, and my step-mother made my father stop seeing or talking to my step-brother. She was eventually the main reason for me choosing at age 11 to stop visiting, too. I am 21 now, but here is how it effected me and my brother. Just to give you a response from a different angle.

First off let me explain that my father had me in his first marriage, then later (about a year)he had an affair which resulted in my half brother. When I was barely a year old, my parents divorced. Later, he left my brother's mother (they were never married) and married my step-mother. My step-mother had a son already that was 1 year older than me, and then a few years later, she had my little half-sister.

My half-brother was 2 years old and my father had just gotten visitation with him.
He came over one weekend, which was my visitation weekend, also. My step-mother was mean to him. He played with my little sister's toys and my step-mother spanked him for it. Later, my father dropped visitation and never called my brother after that.
I visited until I was 11. My step-mother would spank me every time I went down there, and I was a fairly good child. At their house, I knew she would whip me, so I tried to be quiet and nice, but that didn't seem to help. She would blame me for her son's actions. Finally, when I was 11, she told her son to hit me as hard as he could in the back of the head with a baseball. That was it. My mom didn't make me go anymore.

The effects of no visitation:

My half-brother and I didn't meet again or speak until I was 16.
My brother was unable to watch my little sister grow up, and from the age of 11, so was I. I was able to watch her until she was about 5, and then I only saw her around 1-2 times a year for maybe an hour.
We were both unable to have a good relationship with our father. My father still will not talk to my brother, but you can tell he kinda wants to. I think he feels guilty for what he did, and he recently found out he has health problems, so that probably adds to his desire to want to see and talk to us more. He has started to talk to me a little more often, but the bond is not as strong as it would have been if he had been there my whole life. I find myself unable to really tell him a lot of things and share with him because I never developed that strong bond with him. I love him, he is my Daddy, but to me, he was not there.

It hurts.
He is my flesh and blood. My step-mother is his wife. He married her after he had me. I am his child. I was his baby.

She knew I was in his life. If she didn't want to deal with that, then that should have been something that she told him. No person should ever have to choose between their spouse and their child, but parents have an obligation to be parents to their children.
It kinda feels like he put me on Earth and walked away because a woman that came along later didn't like me. I love him, don't get me wrong.

Teens will be bratty and they don't think. That is who they are. Some are more immature than others, but they have to go through that to grow up. You were a teen once. Teenagers are not adults yet, but you are. He is still young, and he will grow out of a lot of it, but his dad deserves to watch him do the growing, and the son deserves to have his dad watch him grow.

AR_Dramaqueen


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I have had many problems with my 15 year old step daughter. She was hitting and abusing my 9 year old.She was lazy,disrespectful,and rude.

I never told my husband he could see her. I told him she wasnt coming in our house or around our daughter ever again though.
I told him he could have a seperate relationship with her outside of what he has with me and our daughter.

So now,when he sees her,they go someplace alone together and spend a few hours.

It works out much better this way.Daughter gets her "quality time" with just her and dad...and my daughter isnt subjected to her abuse and I dont have to deal with her attitude.


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WOW! New Momma! I almost thought I was reading my own story! You definitely pinpointed a lot of the things that make me not like my boyfriend's son, who will be six in a few months. He acts like a baby, is spoiled, doesn't appreciate anything he is given, needs constant entertainment...constant "fun". I feel so guilty sometimes for mot liking a little kid..but sometimes a person just cannot help it...correct?!?!

As for advise...I'm sorry, I was hoping that you had gotten some good advise recently...and could pass it along my way...joking..kinda. But the only thing that really gets my mind off of it...is simply making myself as numb and mentally taking myself out of the situation...I try to ignore it, telling myself "at least he's not my kid" or he's not my kid..not my problem" and other things like that. I know they may sound terrible however. I also keep telling myself that it's not very often that I have to deal with the kid, that if he makes my boyfriend so happy then to just suck it up for the short time that he stays with us. I know it can be so hard...don't need to tell me about it...got to go..the boyfriend is coming upstairs...REALLY HOPING TO TALK AGAIN SOON!!!


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momma2b, I hope you do not continue to ignore or make yourself numb....if you guys are getting married, every other weekend or every so often WILL seem more like "all the time"! I just feel that when you are planning on blending a family - everything should be put out there to be discussed. If you do not, you will resent your BF...or that is what has happened with me....my SS was 6 when we started dating....I chose to ignore all the "little" things. Thought everthing would be different when we married 5 years later....these "little" things have turned into a hurting, vendictive, destructive situation. You have to set ground rules and expectations now....or you will find yourself giving ultimatums.


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I came across this site a day or two ago and am astounded by the generous amount of information and personal experiences that have been shared. The New Momma, I applaud your honesty. The thing that I am beginning to realise is that in terms of step parenting every situation is a little bit different. Kids go through a hard time but then so do the adults who often are left to pick up the residue of what is often a dysfunctional situation. Reading about you, I felt I was reading about myself. I have a step-daughter (eighteeen now) whom, if she weren't my husband's daughter, I would be happy to ignore altogther. She's sort of amazing in what she's allowed to get away with because her father is carrying this oppressive guilt for siring a child he didn't really want to have in the first place. I often wonder how it is. You fall in love with a man and it feels right but you don't fall in love with his children because even though they are of his blood they may be in a lot of cases nothing like him. Strangers would remain strangers were it not for this connection of marriage.


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aldra,
You are so right. How can we fall in love and it feels right but you don't fall in love with his children.

Well, in my case, I did not fall in love with his oldest daughter when I first met her 18 years ago. Today, I still don't like her at all. This being said, for the sake of my DH, I have tried to me compassionate towards this SD, I have tried to treat her the same way I treated my other tow step children, but nothing has worked. She has ignored me all her life and still does to this day. But this time, I will not let it affect me!

She is thinking of divorcing her husband. I went to their wedding a little over 2 and half years ago. They have two small children and the thought of her divorcing just makes me sick to my stomach because of the children.

My DH will not be honest with his daughter. It hurts him a whole lot that she is planning to divorce and instead of convincing her to work harder on her mariage, he supports her in her decision to divorce. Makes me sick. He told me this weekend he didn't agree at all with his daughter's decision but he just couldn't bring himself to go against her decision. Of course not because he does he knows she will get upset at him and he will do anything not to have that happened!

You would think the kid would want to talk to me knowing her dad and I have been together for 18 years. I thought we could talk woman to woman but nope she has no interest in what i have to say!

Last night, i truly truly decided not to ever interfere in this daughter's life, not to worry about her and I promised myself I will do anything it takes not to get all stressed out about her!. I promised myself the next time she phones I will stay in our room and close the door. Otherwise, I will hear what her dad and her are discussing and I will want to find more from her dad and than unmistakenly we will get into an argument.

Hope to god I stick to my new year's resolution and stay away from her.

Keep posting.


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Hello, I am new to this forum and very grateful to find it. I have a problem myself with my 14 year old step son. My husband and I have been together for 6 years. When we met, I knew he had a son, then 8 years old. Shortly after we got together he found out it wasn't really his child, the BM had lied.
My husband and the BM didn't tell him the truth for another year about who is real father was. Turns out the father is the guy who the BM is still with after all of this time. Lord knows why they would keep this from him. Anyway, my husband and I have a 4 year old son and I have a 9 year old from a previous relationship.
My husband's "son" comes over every other weekend, holidays, birthdays, every family trip, etc. and we pay for everything. My husband also pays for him a phone. My husband does not make enough money to even support his family fully and he still put out money consistently for this kid.
To make matters worse, the 14 year old is still having a close relationship with the woman that my husband was in a relationship with before we got together. They text eachother and talk all of the time and I am very upset about this because he is allowing this other woman to know all about our lives, my husband, etc. I suspect that he wants the two of them to get back together again because they have a far better relationship that he and I do (me and the step son).
I have a constant gut ache with this kid around. I told my husband that it isn't our responsibility to support him and since we are so much of the time and we do so much for him to at least be able to claim him every other year on our taxes. My husband won't agree to anything. He stands firm that it is his son and they will have a relationship no matter what, which is fine, but then we have no boundaries when it comes to spending money and time and effort that takes away from our well being.
I am at the end of my rope with this. Does anyone have any advice for me? Am I all wrong here?


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I personally wouldn't give him the ultimatum. Its not his fault for the fact that the exwife is moulding him into a selfish turd. I'm in the same situation with my ss...he doesn't grate my nerves because i tell myself he is not my son. I care for him for the mere fact that he is my husbands son but i've stated very firmly that if he continues heading down the wrong path that he will never live with us. My husband agrees. He comes every other weekend. He is not bad yet but he shows alot of selfishness, ignores his father and just plain doesnt care. Something the mother has instilled in him. The one thing that grates me is the fact it is hurting my husband to no end. I've reminded him that his son is only 9 years old and that my DH doesnt' have enough time to mold him properly. His son now comes once a month. So the situation is getting worse. He is showing bullying characteristics towards my son which i put an end to it immediately but cutting of the computer access for 5 months and no playstation for 3 months now. He's gotten it through his head that when i mean i want respect under my household i mean it!!! and if doesnt' like then he can get his own house!
Your SS is now 12...he will soon decide to stop comiing over by himself trust me. THey get to that teenage age and i was there so i know. I didn't want to hang ar0und my dad...so he'll come back around 17 , 18..when he wants money. Be sure then to put your foot down and your husband to put his foot down on that one.
ANywyas.....Its unfortunate..hopefully when your ss gets older he will change and learn respect from others.


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Chasity...your husband obviously is ignoring the fact that this child is not his. You probably will not change his mind - yet. He will continue to come and use you guys for everything he can..the bullying WILL get worse..I am sure the BM and BD is encouraging this to happen. The thing is your husband is being taken for granted just so the parents can still get the money. One day your husband will hopefully see this! He will lose his relationship with his son and it will not change. Soon things will get worse and your husband will see this. Your SS is taking advantage as well and he DOES know he is doing this. My husband is paying CS for a 15 year old that is not his. He now has a relationship with his BF (who was supposed to be dead). When his son found out who the real father is (due to the ex telling him) things took a BIG turn for the worse. He threatened me and my daughter, he stole from our home, he used language that my daughter has NEVER heard come from our mouth...he started using us when he needed something. Now he is not allowed at our home and my husband is contemplating with his attorney about depleting his child support. If the ex has deceived him and is with the BF...your husband NEEDS to develop some pride for he and his family. Let the BF take care of him. 99% chance the SS will not want to come see him...and then your husband is stuck paying for "NOTHING". I would give him an ultimatum...this is not fair that you and your family have to do without just to "keep up" the ex and BF!!! AND you have every right to give him an ultimatum..this is your life also. Kids have to take responsibility at a certain age - and 14 is well above that age in my opinion.

organic maria, CONGRATS to you putting your foot down! Pleas do not let him bully your son...he will do it behind your back and it could get dangerous! I know - been there done that. Yes the mom is molding him - and that does not change the fact that it WILL get worse!! As long as the kid lives with his BM...your husband will continue to get hurt. Just because they get older is no guarantee they will end up respecting you and your husband....nine times out of 10...they will not. Good luck!


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Chasity/theotherside: Chasity - your entry above was in another forum: "am I all wrong here? please help" - when I try to go in, I get kicked out...so I will just do my second follow-up here...

theotherside - I believe you are wrong that if he has been his legal father the last 9 years then he is responsible...not sure what is legal in every state...but...where I live someone in this situation has rights. My husband knew from birth his 15 year old son was not his. He agreed to let his ex stay because he has an older son with her and was looking for his best interest (NOT HERS). He agreed to be a father only if she never told her son (at least until my husband was ready) that he was not his bio father..she agreed and even told him 2 years later the BF was dead. Six years ago she told him and hid this from my husband. A 1 1/2 ago(probably before than) he was in contact with his bio dad - who was NOT dead...and my SS started having a relationship with him (remember they hid this from my husband). We found this out because my SS's cell phone was on the table and started ringing and "dad" was the entry that popped up....can you imagine the devastation? Well - my SS and his mom continued to lie about this! Since all this, is when the threats, more stealing, using, only coming when wanting something..just total disrespect...came about. My husband decided to contact a lawyer and they told him that even he signed the birth certificate and knew he was not his bio son...he can deplete his child support on the basis that "change" has come about and that deceipt is involved. His attorney told him now his son's bio father can do his part.

Now I firmly believe that in Chasity's situation....her husband did not know this for the last nine years. The ex, BF, and now the son are completely "screwing him over". Most likely he can deplete his CS if he so chooses. Let the bio father pay his way!! Why any of you on this forum is not encouraging this is beyond me! This man and woman have a child together...why should this BM and BF take this away from her? I will bet that when CS stops at 19...this "son" will not have a relationship with him. I bet his BM and BF will see to that. Why would she encourage it? His father is with HER!! Sounds to me that she is sending him on visitation just to keep getting CS and is glad his dad is taking him on vacation and buying him probably anything he wants - just so she doesn't have to....this is just not fair...so yes, Chasity - I would definitely encourage your husband to get a paternity test and do what is right by his family. This man needs to develop pride for himself and his family. Because in the end - this kid will not be around - other than to use...I look at it this way - how DARE this so called "mom" do this to a person? And yes at 14 - this son knows exactly what he is doing and what is going on. He has the best of both worlds....when should he take responsibility for HIS actions? 14, 16, 19, 25? I say NOW....There just comes a time when you say enough is enough and if this son really loves him, he will understand why his non-bio-dad did what he did....paying this CS to his ex and the bio father will not make this kid love him anymore...if he stops "loving him" - then he never did and never will - money should have NOTHING to do with it....this non-bio father is being a little selfish to his family he currently has. Chasity - YOU DO have a right to let your husband know this - and I recommend highly you do not let this drop.


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I couldnt agree more with Jenny alabama. Maybe the bio-mom knew all along that SS wasnt your husband's and just wanted to use him for money. I wouldnt let it drop either.


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Chasity, has anything more come from your situation? Just wondering if you spoke with your husband...keep us posted.


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Emma,
I completely understand your situation. I am in my 20s and dating someone 14 years older than me who has a 12 year old son that we see 4 times a week. He's a sweet kid but he has some issues. I tend to become extremely frustrated with his behavior and his lack of self ambition. He has a small learning disability but milks it to no end and his father just doesn't see it. His son expects everything to be handed to him on a silver platter. Not to mention when the son is around I'm pushed to the side and not respected for my efforts around the house, which I'm sure any woman gets pretty fed up with in short order no matter what the situation. Kids have little respect for adults anymore, not to mention ones they feel they owe nothing to. It's hard but have comfort in knowing there are many out there in similar situations to your own. More than anything I want to have children someday with my boyfriend and lately I've been thinking maybe it would be better to have them sooner and give both the father and the stepson some perspective in the idea that they're aren't the only two people in the family...
~ Stepmom-to-Be


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Angel,

I think you put into words everything I had been feeling about my husband, my relationship with him, and his less-than-desirable son who lives with us full-time. He's 12 as well. I also teach middle school, and I completely agree with you that children these days are not respectful of adults (even their peers) and aren't held accountable for their rudeness, irresponsibility, and lack of motivation. SS, just like yours, also has a LD, which has entitled (*sarcasm*) him to lay around and fail just about every school subject except for specials. You think his dad would do something about it, like unplug the TV, video games, PSP, I-Pod, cell phone, but that might hurt the child's feelings and he might actually be forced to read or do homework and put forth some effort! Yikes! What makes the situation even more annoying is that as a professional educator, I know those things need to either be removed or use needs to be restricted to improve his chances for success, but my advice falls on deaf ears. I have tried numerous times to help the boy but I get nothing but yawned at, tuned out, eye rolling, and excuses.

I keep watching our wedding DVD over and over again because somewhere in it (sarcasm again), I keep missing the part where the minister asked me if I would become the maid and I agreed (more sarcasm) to wait on his every wish and desire, agreed to cater to his selfish demands and wants and go without money be/c he needed some expensive or brandname item, pick up every crumb and glob of PB&J he's left behind after he's made one, plus clean every nook and cranny of this blended family's house then cook every single night (after putting in at least 8-9 hours) without anyone else lifting a finger. So I completely understand how you feel - I feel unappreciated, ignored, and frustrated. And it doesn't help to know others are going through it but what does help is hearing their stories and solutions to their problems. More than anything, I often need to vent and to hear actual solutions so that I can try them in my own house.

There is a part of me that wants a baby with my husband, but on the other hand, I'm smart enough to realize that if a baby would arrive in our home, it would be an absolute disaster. I would end up raising the child alone be/c DH thinks the first son is so precious and irreplaceable, plus he already "put the stem on the apple the first time around." Anyhow.....if you feel neglected now, consider what bringing a new baby into the mix might do to your blended family.


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Laurel,
You're right. It's definitely nice to know there are others that can relate to what you're going through and that you can vent. It's not our job to be the maid. It's one thing to clean up after your spouse and your own children who at least listen to you and try to help, but to bother with a child that doesn't respect you or pay attention to what you say is something entirely different. Constantly asking the SS to put his dishes in the dishwasher, bring down his dirty laundry or not to leave his belongings around the house has taken it's toll on me. The dishes I'll deal with but as far as the laundry and belongings go, well, I'm past the point of caring if he has nothing clean to wear like last week or if his clothes are all wrinkled because he didn't put them away after I neatly folded them. I hope he learned his lesson about the clothes because when he tried to blame that one on me his father had a nice little talk with him. As for his belongings, there's a box in one of the back rooms that I throw his things in. It's not my job to return his belongings to his bedroom.
I also understand your perspective on the idea of a baby. But don't you think that you and your husband having a child of your own would help your husband to realize that he can't give everything to just one prized child? Besides, once you have your own child it would be hard for him to go against the reality that he has a new family to take care of and that includes you. I've seen my boyfriend with the kids in my family and I can tell how much he loves spending time with them, and they're not even his.
I don't know. I've decided to take one day at a time. I'll be civil with the SS but there will be nothing extra from me. If I don't get respect then I won't give it. So far my new stance has worked well. I'm starting to see my boyfriend pick up on how his son ignores and treats me and it hasn't gone over well for the boy.


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Unfortunately, I don't think my husband would realize that he can't give everything to one prized child. I think if he did, he would've had his vasectomy reversed already and I would've been pregnant by now. I also think he would make even more excuses for SS if a new baby were to arrive. Take for instance, DH goes out of town alot on business. This weekend, after being gone for two weeks, he had to finish remodeling our bathroom with the contractors, which resulted in 10-12 hour days. Instead of taking pride in the appearance of our BR, he ran around house chasing the prized child and complained to me any chance he could that he hadn't spent any time with him. He hadn't spent much time with me either but I wasn't complaining. The attachment there is almost unnatural, but hey, to each his own. I also have a daughter from a previous marriage, and I have never let her run my life, dictate my every move, or have given her so much control that it interfered with other adult relationships in my life.

I have also stopped doing his laundry if he doesn't take it to the laundry room and I refuse to fold it when the few chores he has to do around here, I end up doing over because they weren't done properly and the place is still a mess. My DH loves my cooking and the child takes great pleasure in slamming it every chance he gets. He sees nothing wrong with eating all of the (what he calls) good stuff in the pantry or fridge and leaving not so much a smell for anyone else. He went in to daughter's room and BROKE a candle warmer then lied about it. He just barged in without asking my DH's permission (daughter & I were out at the time). He's so lazy that if there aren't any clean plates and he needs to make something on a plate, he'll actually change his mind and eat cereal out of a bowl just because he doesn't want to wash a dish. But he thinks it's my job or daughter's job to do it. He actually stands and the chore chart and calls out HER chores but can't do his own. Anyhow, I just can't imagine being raised to think that you are the only one on God's green planet that matters and everyone else in existence around you is there to bow down to you.

I gave respect in order to earn it, but when it wasn't returned, I was done and it doesn't look like things will be chaning anytime soon.


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Hello. I'm a 25 y/o single mother. I go to school full time (Graduate in November to be a RN) I have 2 children (8 y/o and 2 y/o) I've been with my 28 y/o BF for 8 mos. He is the most wonderful man on earth and I've never been this happy before. He doesn't have children of his own (although he says he wants to) and he resents my 2 y/o so much. He isn't mean to him by any means....he takes on more of an indifferent approach. Doesn't talk to him, spend time with him. He says he can't stand coming home from work and having to deal with him...he just wants to come home to peace and quiet. So, I'm in a bind now. Honestly, I hoped he would get to know my son and love him the way I do....but I know this is not going to happen. As much as I love this Man.....I know deep in my heart I cannot sacrafice my childs happiness to be with him. I am a mother first, these children do not ask to come into the world. They need love, acceptance...they need people in their lives who will guide them and cherish them. Common people....Weren't you kids once!? Try to remember a time an adult was hurtful to you or unsupportive.....how did it effect you!? My parents divorced when I was 5. My dad took a new wife who resented me and my sister. She told me she would never love me. I was 8 y/o.....and all I ever wanted was for her to love me. I don't know if I came across that way to her....but I remember crying harder than I had ever cried in my life. The truth is....these children are victims of our selfishness, pettiness, and unwillingness to change...out of fear, resentment, jealousy....It's sad. I know one thing....my child does not deserve to be resented. He deserves unconditional love....and it is my responsibility as a mother to protect him. I feel sorry for your husband. You may not have given him a direct ultimatum...but I'm sure he spends every day trying to juggle his emotions for his son...(who he loves, trust me)....and you...(who I'm sure he loves as well.) This is a hard place to be...feeling like at any moment you will fail someone you love...whether it's your son or your wife...and having to live with that guilt. It's not my intention to judge you...only to give you a perspective that you may not have considered. My advice is that you take a deep look into your heart. Soul search. Maybe if you attempt to get to know this child on a different level....as a friend. Look for the good...surely this child has something good that you can focus in on...find a common ground....does he play sports? go to his games and cheer him and be his biggest fan. Does he like to read...get him a book and read the same book and start a conversation. Does he like sweets? Take him to an icecream parlor and Get a big sunday to split.... You see where I'm going with this? You may not love this child right now, but you never will if you don't try....and I think you'll be the one loosing...here's your chance to be closer to your husband than you can even imagine....your acceptance of his son and giving him the peace of mind to know that you and his son care for one another and are on the same team....not opposing forces would be the greatest gift you could ever give him, this boy,...and yourself. Sincerely, Jess


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As a biomom and a stepmom, I must say that when it's not your own child, it's just different. I carried my son in my womb for 9 months, I gave birth to him and held him right afterwards and care for him everyday. I love him unconditionally and more than my own life. With my SS, I would never be able to love him like my own son. In fact, I don't love him at all, but I think he's an OK child and that's it. I don't believe you have to love your stepchildren but it does help to get along with them and get to know them especially if they will be living with you. I lucked out and my SS never lived with us so I never really had to deal with stepparenting issues like most people do.


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I can kind of relate to you feelings.Its hard having to put up with a child who has had horrible parenting,and as a result so many "irritating" behaviors.If he doesn't respect you or his dad than i can only imagine what having him visit is like.If his dad can't control him now,it will be alot harder to deal with him when he gets older.So i guess the only option you have is to "disengage" and keep yourself busy on the days he visits.If your husband wants you to stick around,then he needs to deal with his son's disrespect on his own.You shouldn't have to tolerate being disrepected by this child while his bio-dad does nothing about it.


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I know your stepson annoys you, but compared to many of us you've got it made! I would consider myself lucky that he only visits a few weeks out of year and just laugh off his brattiness. I'm dealing with the same thing, but with a much younger child. If he was only around a few weeks per year I'd be dancing a jig right now. Hang in there. You've got it better than you think. I know he's a pain in the butt and no one knows that better than we do here, but try to look at it from the point of view that you're very fortunate. He could be around much more often and things could be a lot worse.


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Kids who have behavioral problems almost always come from families in which there is weak parental supervision, a lack of rules and communication.It can never be sufficiently emphasized that rearing children implies the need to say no. By nature no one likes limits, but they are necessary. 'No' is a protective word." But parents that have different "views" on discipline can lead to serious rifts.Who should be the one to say no? I think the biological parent should be the main disciplinarian in order to give the stepparent time to build a closer relationship with the child and let the child learn to feel confident of the stepparent's love for them before being disciplined by them.Basically, discipline works only when the person receiving the discipline cares about the reactions of and the relationship with the person doing the disciplining.It takes time to build a warm relationship in a stepfamily. If you are a stepparent, you need to show empathy.Mistakes will be made. Children will say or do things that hurt.Pressures of the moment will lead us to act unreasonably. However, those simple words, "I am sorry, please forgive me," can do much to heal wounds and at the same time provide an important lesson in humility.Most importantly,the parents need to come to an agreement on different matters so that the children will see that they are "united".Unless both of you are on the same page,you'll keep banging your head against the wall about everything relating to this child...


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Hi,
I know where you are coming from b/c I have a 12 yr. old ss too! If I were you, I wouldn't ask dad to cut out all of the visit, but I would suggest plannig a few things out that you can do for a week or two. Keep the week(s) filled with activities (at least one activity/day) and it doesn't have to be expensive. For example, go to the park, zoo, movies, swimming,out to dinner at a neat restaurant, etc. Maybe you can see if there are kids his own age in the neighborhood. Tell him he can bring his video games and/or plan to make a model airplane or something that he likes. I don't know where you live, but maybe there are some inexpensive, but interesting tourist attractions. Anyway, plan, plan, plan and then plan the visit to last only the number of days that you have plans for. I feel for you and I hope this helps. Hopefully, you can enjoy the week(s) just a little. Keep us posted and let us know how it goes!


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RE: Can't Accept My Stepson

I found this site because I typed "I hate my step-son" in to google - long story: Been dating man with 2 kids for 4 years now. The oldest is now 15 and in the 7th grade (one of MANY problems)the other is 13. I have a 5 year old and we have a 1 year old together and a baby on the way in December. The 15 yo is so awful that his mother recently signed her custodial rights over to my BFs parents and is now in the same school district as my 5 year old. The 15 year old is spoiled and has been from day one. His grandparents always tell me how he has always been their favorite. The grandma has even taken him on vacation with her to the exclusion of all of her other grandkids including the brother (13). The brothers are separated and no one seems to have a problem with that either. the stepdad has gotten a restraining order against the 15 yo - I have yet to find out why. Almost every time he has been to our house prior to his mother giving him away, he hs gone back to his mother and just out right lied to her about things that happened or were said at our home. He is disrespectful in our home and now that he is living closer to us he is wanting to come over every weekend. I don't trust him around my young kids or me. I worry that they will see my BF constantly giving in to this kid and see him disrespecting me. My kids are well disciplined (the 5 yo and the 1 year old - or as well as they can be given their ages. I think the kid is psychologically disturbed though no one will try to get him counseling, I think he has the potential for violence so when he is here I barely sleep fearing for my children and me. He gets his way ALL THE TIME. He does whatever he wants whenever he wants and no one in my BFs family will put their foot down to him. It's like they are oblivious though at one point the grandfather told me that my BF (his own son!) shouldn't take the 15 yo hunting because it was too risky to put a gun in his hands then turn your back on him!!! I have tried speaking to my BF about this in as gentle a way as possible, but all I ever hear is that "my 5 year old will turn out just like him" and "I need to worry about my own kids and quit picking on his kids" We are going to have to build on to our house which we can barely afford as it is in order to have room for a third child in the house. He has already begun talking about building a room on for the 15 yo too. I don't want to live with him. I don't trust him and I don't like him. On the other hand, telling my BF this is like making him choose between the 15 yo and our 1 yo and the baby on the way. What should I do? The thought of him coming over every weekend, let alone living here, makes me physically ill. I've even refused to marry BF because of his son (though he doesn't know this is the reason) Help!!!!


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RE: Can't Accept My Stepson

You don't want to marry him but it is ok to have children by him?


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RE: Can't Accept My Stepson

I kinda agree with TOS. I think that what YOU want is now secondary to what is best for your kids. The option of what YOU want flies out the window the instant you have kids--and that includes HIS children, too. You knew going in that he had kids.

(Don't worry, I'd give the same speech to him, too.)

Whether you like it or not, that boy is a part of your family and you now MUST do what is best for the family. There are no "me's" or "you's" or "I."

I'd say that it was time to go to the counselor to try to find out how to help his son.


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RE: Can't Accept My Stepson

The first child we had together was prior to the 15 yo moving closer to our house when the BF had said he doesn't care what kind of pain in the butt his son is, he will not allow him to interfere in our relationship (break it up) like he has all of his mother's relationships and any dates that BF had been on before me. The second child (on the way) was due to ineffective BCP. Quite a shock for both of us. I have already repeatedly suggested counseling and even found a highly recommended family counselor and an individual counselor for 15 yo, but no one will take him and family counseling doesn't work when only half the family is comitted.


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RE: Can't Accept My Stepson

I feel everyone's pain. I have 2 grown children and my DH has 2. I truly love his other child, but my 19 yo SS and I have never liked each other since we've been together (6 years). Believe me, I've tried! I don't like the way I tense up whenever I'm around him. The boy is now 19 and is a huge slob, sneaky, lies, is lazy and disrespectful, but in a nice way. I've always said he is the master of passive resistance. He'll smile, say OK, and then do what he wants anyway. His BM and dad finally acknowledged that he's got some serious issues. I'm still hoping I'll like him when he's 30 and through these horrible years, but I doubt it.

So to all out there, chill out, have a drink and find something you enjoy doing REGULARLY for yourself that's away from your family (crafts, gym, yoga, whatever). Don't stress over what you can't change. It won't make you like the step kids any better, but you'll have a much more fun. And that, my friends, will help your marriage too.


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RE: Can't Accept My Stepson

I think alot of it is because men parent differently to women, or rather they don't parent.

eg. What I am told to remember is my husband is not a mother and never has been. He has little knowledge of what it takes to be a mother as his interests are more focused towards football, accomplishments and bringing home the bacon. He is a man and his components for life differ greatly to mine. I am more interested in keeping the house clean, thoughtfulness and appreciation so I suppose in short, social skills and motherly duties.

So as the step mum, we can't understand why it is us who have to 'entertain' the little darlings when they visit, so you cannot blame him for not really wanting to stay can you? This is not your fault but his dads. If he sees so little of his son then you would expect him to want to do the fun things, but lets face it, it's normally mum who does the fun things with the kids isn't it?

I think this is why blended families are so hard. The normal relationship between mum and dad and who does what for the kids is expected to be the same wehn the marriage ends and the man finds a new partner. The woman cannot accept that she is expected to take on the 'new mother' role purely because at times, the bio mum wont allow it.

12 is an awkward age anyway, and I suspect soon he will want to be off with his friends rather than spending boring time with dad. Sad thing is he needs his dad emotionally and needs things to be normal like most kids, but sadly, step families are far from normal.
xx


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RE: Can't Accept My Stepson

Hi all , I as well uderstand what you guys are going through . I am am going through it now ..
My hubby was married befor me and has 2 kids by his x wife .One may be his the other child is not . She was preg. when they met. He gave the child his last name .We have been married for 14 yrs this may and have had no visual contact with the kids just phone calls when she would give us the phone #. We live 9 hours away from the kids...
The kids now are 19 yrs old & 16 yrs old. My hubby is closer to the oldest son and dont have much memory of the youngest.. The 19 year old Drinks and partys and does have a 4 month old baby . And at times wants a relationship with his dad .But backs off ..The 16 year old will talk to his dad but with distance.He doesnt call him dad or anything like that.. It scares me when there is talk about them cooming to see us and im not sure how to deal with that.


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RE: Can't Accept My Stepson

If you ask your husband to choose, then you are choosing yourself over your husband. Kids can be horrible. It's all part of the job. When you marry someone who already has children, you sign-up to share the burden. If you want your husband to choose you and ditch his kid, that is self-serving.

He sees his son for such a little time. I would just find a way to get through it. If you can't handle the idea that the kid is never going to be stricken from his dad's life, then you should probably find someone who doesn't have children.


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RE: Can't Accept My Stepson

> To loladoon <
I thank you for your input and thoughts.
If this is commented to me.
But i never said anything about my hubby had to choose. Yes, i knew he had kids , but he never seen them after the divorce from his x wife . And the 14 yrs we have been married we have never seen them .
Mainly cause of the 9 hour distance away from them and like i said my hubby rarely talked to them do to his x wife would change phone # and address `s where we couldn't reach them.
And she would do other stuff that im not airing online.
My thing is that scares me is the fact of the oldest son gets close then backs away,and his life style, We have a 12 year old son together that is my job to love and protect him. When it come to him i will do all i can to protect him some things i can some i cant as he gets older, I lost my first baby when i was 17 yrs old and he lived an hour after birth, so that has a big impact on how i raise my son.Its just as hurtful to be in out of a persons life rather it be the dad or the child backing away it still effects all involved. And i can understand why the oldest son does that.
The youngest which is 16 yrs old will talk to his dad but not as father and son.
So naturally it would scare me on how to deal with situations that could come up if they come to see us.
I was just wanting to talk about and share diff. options on to handle things,
Thanks for your time and thoughs
Jaded


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RE: Can't Accept My Stepson

This thread is from the year 2003?


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RE: Can't Accept My Stepson

< disengaging >

Yes i know i read when they was first posted,
I posted a new comment on Mon, Jan 5, 09
I was in hopes of some respones or input ..

Thanks and have a great day
Jaded


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RE: Can't Accept My Stepson

I hate my step kid too. Its not pleasant to think of your husband with another woman making babies, much less having to care for them yourself as a free babysitter, and all the bull that comes with it. Out in the wild, hippos, lions and various other mammals will kill these offspring. I can't stand my step kid, and he lives with us :(
Anyways, if I didn't know him I'd say he's a very sweet kid, that has a speech disorder/learning disorder, and as long as I wouldn't have to be around him for extended periods of time, I'd like him, or be indifferent. But since he's my step kid and Im his main caretaker, I harbor a lot of resentment, that I worry may harm my health carrying all of this secret hate around, or that it will come around band bite me in the ass somehow later on. It is very unnatural having step kids, very unnatural to love them, it goes against nature is how it feels anyway. I have often wished hed get out of my life, but we cant afford to pay child support and I have my own daughter to worry about. If we pay more than we can afford each month, how am I going to take care of my own daughter? That would agonize me much more than gritting my teeth everyday and enduring my stepsons presence. I too would get up and do the gig if I only had to have him 3weeks out of the year. I used to wish that he would choke to death, and one day at a buffet it actually almost happened, man, did I regret that wish, I cried so much, I felt so sorry for his helpless little face as he chocked for air. I couldnt have lived with the guilt if hes dad wouldnt of been there to save his life. Now I just wish hed get abducted by aliens or something, Just kidding. He's okay sometimes, but usually talks like a retard behind his years. I think he has some kind of learning disability that makes him very good with numbers, but a social retard (in my spiteful opinion). According to the dad he is a genius...Pff.. HAHA! What happened to me, I used to be nice, I still am a very nice person, it was normal for close friends to call me one of the nicest, accepting friends, accepting and befriending anyone for who they were. But being a step mom has brought out the worst in me, and is certainly the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I feel like Angelina Jolie in that movie where the police give her a kid that is not hers and hes calling her "mom", she throws a pan at the wall and shrieks, "Im NOT YOUR MOTHER, DONT CALL ME THAT!!!". Thats what I want to do when he calls me mom. Instead I shutter inside, and on the outside, I smile sweetly and say, Yes? This is what my life will be from now on because I married a good guy who already had a kid.


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RE: Can't Accept My Stepson

I am at a loss of words... if that last post is true!

stepmom2kids, tell us how you REALLY feel! I mean, c'mon! "it goes against nature" to love them? REALLY? If I'm in a store and see a child treated poorly, my heart aches for the child. If I see people suffering, I feel bad and want to do something to help. To me, THAT is natural... it's HUMAN to care.

That being said, I can totally relate to the behaviors your stepson has and how it makes you feel. My SD lives with us, she complains to her mom if she isn't always having fun. She gives her dad acknowledgment for things I do.. or asks him to do things, knowing he will have me do it because she doesn't want to ask me herself. (She likes to pretend I don't exist) and some of the behaviors are irritating and frustrating... but I care deeply about her, she is a child. She has been through a lot and her mom continues to neglect her feelings, no matter how hard she tries to get her mom's attention. You say your SS has no relationship with his father, I say his behaviors are a cry for his father's attention.

But most of all, I am bothered by one thing you say: "I harbor a lot of resentment, that I worry may harm my health" WHAT ABOUT THIS 12 YEAR OLD CHILD'S HEALTH? THE DAMAGE BEING DONE TO HIM BY HIS FATHER'S NEGLECT AND YOUR 'SECRET' HATE, THAT I'M SURE HE FEELS, EVEN THOUGH YOU CLAIM TO HIDE IT WELL.... That is what I would worry about!


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RE: Can't Accept My Stepson

Its not pleasant to think of your husband with another woman making babies,

You're right. So don't do it.

When you are not thinking about it, it doesn't hurt. I assume you didn't think about it much when you were falling in love with him and telling yourself that a relationship with this man (who already had a child with another woman) was a good idea. At that time you thought about how great he was and how much you'd love to marry him.

He still had made this baby with that woman but it didn't cause you pain because you didn't focus your thoughts on it. The reality then was the same as it is now: He had made a child with someone else. It isn't like this is something new and it is a shock to you. He has made love to another woman. Possibly several other women in his time. Yes, this boy is visible proof of that every time you see him but you have to get over that because you can't change it. No matter what you do (think about it, forget it, pray, cry, scream, petition the government, etc) he will still have made love to someone else. Accept that. It is not the child's fault.

If you are now choosing to torture yourself by thinking about how that boy was conceived, how is that smart? How is that an adult thing to do? Does every grown-up who is a stepparent hate or dislike their stepchildren because they think about their spouse making love to the child's other birth parent? No, because they control what they think about.

You can control what you let your thoughts dwell on and it sounds like you are letting them wander into places (like your DH making love to his Ex) where they should not go.

Counselling can help you strengthen your ability to control your own thoughts and emotions. You owe this to yourself, your DH and most especially this little boy who didn't ask for you to come into his life and who has no control over whether you are there or not. You could leave him and your DH if you chose. He cannot decide to have another dad. You are the adult and have options. He does not. You can seek counselling and other kinds of help to improve your family. He cannot.

Don't expect him to change. It has to be you.

Don't let this go on. Even though you don't really want him dead, you have found yourself thinking that. Do whatever it takes to make sure your best self controls your thoughts instead of letting the impulsive, emotional piece send you down roads you really don't mean and would never go. Even giving room in your mind to those kinds of thoughts can cause despair as you feel you are losing the "nice" and "accepting" and "befriending" you that you have always been. It can feel like he is even stealing that from you if you don't get a handle on it soon.

Good luck. Take care.


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RE: Can't Accept My Stepson

This thread is so old, I just jumped to the newest current posting, but I missed I guess where the new poster states the SS's age, how long she's been married to Dh, length of 'courtship' ect.

Is this child any different now than he was during the beginning? Did you know going in that you would be primary caregiver? I guess I'm wondering why you married someone with a child especially one that would be living with you and you'd be caring for if you did not like the child.

I think Mary above gave some decent suggestions on trying to deal with your feelings.

--"I have often wished hed get out of my life, but we cant afford to pay child support and I have my own daughter to worry about. If we pay more than we can afford each month, how am I going to take care of my own daughter? That would agonize me much more than gritting my teeth everyday and enduring my stepsons presence. I too would get up and do the gig if I only had to have him 3weeks out of the year"--

The money you'd have to pay for support might be hard to part with, but is that few hundred or so a month you're saving by being the caregiver worth you all being miserable? Does your husband have any idea how you feel?

No matter how good the DH may be or how much you love him and want to be with DH, if you can't be happy yourself in your own home and living together as a family after you've tried counseling, it might be time to begin thinking of taking your daughter and beginning a new life that will be happy and healthy for the 2 of you... it sounds like we have 4 very unhappy people living all together now which can't be good for any of you. Is your DD a child of your current husband?

I can't imagine ever harboring such hate for another person, child or adult. Wishing someone dead, then being thankful they did not actually die while choking only because if they had died I'd feel guilty...it's just all not something I can relate to.


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RE: Can't Accept My Stepson

"I used to wish that he would choke to death, and one day at a buffet it actually almost happened, man, did I regret that wish, I cried so much, I felt so sorry for his helpless little face as he chocked for air"

do you realize that it is pretty easy to locate on this forum who you are in real life and where you live?

not only your Dh but also authorities could easily find you. and if something happens to this boy one can locate you easily.

it did happen in the past on this forum. this woman was posting lies about her stepkids and kids' mom and stepdad found this forum and her posts. now that woman did not wish anyone dead, she was just mean to Sks and made stuff up about them. yet it was not a pretty picture.

I suggest you make an appointment with a psychiatrist and confess that you wish death on other people, you might be able to get help. do it before it is too late.


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RE: Can't Accept My Stepson

omg, just when you think you've read it all. calling a kid "retard" but this grown woman just posted one big, run on paragraph that's barely coherent, yeah ok.

I can't imagine, that poor boy...the only reason why this "stepmom" wants to be the main caregiver is because she doesn't want her husband to pay child support so she can support *her* daughter. What's that thread where people are debating second families from mom and dad and the differences? HERE is a prime example. You wouldn't see too many mothers treating their bio children as second class citizens to their second set of bio....just to save some $$$. (I am not saying this is all stepmothers either) This is something you see a lot, stepmom complaining about child support and it affects the childs quality of life in the home stepmom resides in. And Dads either can't tell, turn a blind eye, have rosy colored glasses on, head stuck in the sand or whatever. No wonder some kids have problems with Dads second family, they aren't even considered part of it and the childs best interests comes down to money. Sickening.


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RE: Can't Accept My Stepson

O M G -- This post is heart-breaking.

I do hope it's not real, because that poor boy is suffering terribly. From everything you've written, I would guess he has Asperger's Syndrome, a form of autism. It is common for boys with Asperger's Syndrome or high functioning forms of autism to have abnormal speech patterns (monotone), be gifted with math or mechanical things, be very poorly coordinated, and have severe social difficulties. In adolescence, it's also common for these kids to be terribly depressed and lonely; almost 90% are bullied. Some kids with autistic disorders are intellectually impaired; others have limited areas of genious, and still others are extremely intelligent but just socially awkward. If this is the case, he needs HELP -- desparately. And he would be eligible for it, through his school.

Please get this boy back to his mother so he can experience unconditional love again. Even if it means your daughter has no new clothes, lives in a crappy apartment and has barely enough to eat --

The emotional damage you are doing to this poor child is simply inexcusable.


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RE: Can't Accept My Stepson

"You wouldn't see too many mothers treating their bio children as second class citizens to their second set of bio... just to save some $$$."

I had to chuckle at this... my SD's mom is one of those rare mothers. She whined how she can't afford to pay her meager $216 a month in child support for two years... so then decided it was time to have another baby. Now, she is more than willing to give up her weekends & let us (as if she's doing us a favor) keep SD on her weekends.

Back to this thread...

I tried really hard to ignore the dangling carrot of the poster's derogatory remarks aimed at her stepson. There were enough things said to trigger world war 3... the issue is that the child is a child, he's acting as a child. The stepmother is acting more like a child than the child and needs to grow up or move on. We all (stepparents) KNEW [or should have known] that there were children involved and when you marry someone with a child, you make the choice. The child does not get to choose, the ADULTS do.


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RE: Can't Accept My Stepson

"I had to chuckle at this... my SD's mom is one of those rare mothers. She whined how she can't afford to pay her meager $216 a month in child support for two years... so then decided it was time to have another baby. Now, she is more than willing to give up her weekends & let us (as if she's doing us a favor) keep SD on her weekends."

And she'll do it again when she's no longer with the new baby's father. And the new baby will be old news just like SD and her older sister.

I agree Ima, she needs to grow up and move on. The problem is that she won't. People this selfish will remain in the childs life just to ruin it, to moan and complain about their hardship of being a stepparent...the gawd awful choice of being the main caregiver or to let her husband spend money on child support. Which to choose, they are both just so awful. The audacity of her husband to actually take care of his child by either housing him or paying to house him.

I know, I lived with someone like this. The problem will never, ever be them. They won't even take 1% ownership of the problem. It's always something else, someone else...they will always be the victim. If this poster comes back, watch....she will have "reasons" for why and how she feels this way and they will be all tangled up in the inconsequential little details of life. And those are all the big reasons of why she can act like a monster to a little child. whatever, it's sick


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RE: Can't Accept My Stepson

You marry the man, you marry his family. Most especially those who are his children.

I don't think it's unnatural to love another person's kids.


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RE: Can't Accept My Stepson

"What happened to me, I used to be nice, I still am a very nice person,"

I don't know WHAT happened to you but I sure feel horrible about whats happening to your poor SS. I hope your DH sends him back to his mother or somewhere safe, yesterday if not sooner and that you get the hell out of that poor kids life.

~Cat


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RE: Can't Accept My Stepson

Emma,
I am a BM who knows my husband is not fond of my son. Unfortunately for him my son lives w/us. I guess he loves me enough to 'deal'. I feel torn and awful and can't seem to make either one do anything other than ignore each other so that we can all live w/o arguements.... I try to give each one my attention and not favor one over the other. I love both of them! My son is 14...TOUGH age! If my son was only here 3 weeks out of the year, I would definately tell my husband to take a nice relaxing vacation for a few weeks! Perhaps you should consider a trip w/friends around that time...Royal caribbean has great 2 week even 3 week cruises! Good luck...It's not easy.I have 3 kids and married a man with no kids, why? I couldn't do it....My own are tough enough! Parenthood isn't for everyone...I applaud your honesty.......


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RE: Can't Accept My Stepson

Hello I need advise. My husband and I were married for two years, dated for four years. He and I had very bad marriages and we both have two sons the same age (8yrs) from our previous marriages. My son lives with us and his son practically lives with us. He goes to his mom for a week or two and stays with us for a week or two. I love my stepson he's no problem and we get along very well. I think it�s because he is comfortable around me, the love I show him and attitude I have toward him. After all he is God's child and I cannot bring myself to hate him or let anything he do cause me to hate him. You just have to lay the rules and make them abide by them.
On the other hand my husband acts like he hates my son. I would see him looking at him funny, cutting his eyes when I�m not looking but I catch him sometimes, talking to him in a harsh tone of voice especially if I�m not around. One day my son told me that sometimes he thinks his stepfather hates him. This caused me to be even more aware of how he acted toward my son. My son and his son share a bedroom in our home and they get along well. They miss each other very much when they are apart. When his son is here is polishes his shoes and do allot of things for him, things father should do and my son gets a little attention then. When he is not here it's like my son is not here. he does nothing for him and pays no attention to him. Doesn�t even ask how was his day to school or nothing of the sort. He acts like my son does exist. I have spoken to him on several occasions about this matter and told him that I need him to try and be a father to him especially because his father has been incarcerated since he was 3. he knows his father but my present husband and my father are the only two male figures in his life. Now because my son feelings are hurt all the time and feels rejected all the time he does interact with my husband too much anymore. He is afraid of being hurt. I am forced to make a decision between my son and my husband. I try to talk to him about it all the time and it causes problems between us. we have not spoken to each other for two weeks and live in the same house. I told him what�s borthing me and he feels like it�s nothing. My son had his eighth birthday on Saturday September 18th he has yet to say happy birthday to him. My son has never been rude to him and I wonder every day what causes him to feel the way he feels toward my son. His ex wife calls my house to speak to her son and my husband all the time they both have a good relationship. I don't interfere. How could you love someone and hate there child?????. This is making me sick and I can�t take no more. I am forced to make a decision between my SON and my husband. Help please.


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RE: Can't Accept My Stepson

choose your son.


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RE: Can't Accept My Stepson

this thread is from 2003, ouch


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RE: Can't Accept My Stepson

Ditto, choose your son.


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RE: Can't Accept My Stepson

this is my first time i open this topic, because this is the first time i got confirmed that my husband has a child when he's single. I felt being betrayed. I really do not know what to do, I have a heart problem which makes me bother on how to accept this big obstacle in our marrige. I can't imagine to have a stepson in our house, i can't take the pain watching my 3 children have the step-brother who owe to be treated as a son. My husband is an OFW he just spent a little time with our kids and even me, and now, its so painful to know that he should devide his time for our family and to his son,,,, i can't take the pain,


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RE: Can't Accept My Stepson

My husband and i dated for a 1 1/2,we married and soon had a child,the SS(8)and i got along great.Then as time passed things became worse, and then i had my own children i really began to despise my SS because now i had to worry about his infulence and interaction with my children, which i dread, he is very sneaky. No one holds him accountable for his behavior ever, he is now 11 and its always the other kids fault and for the most part is lacking in alot of areas such as common sense but knows how to work his father over who is guilt ridden(he and the BM were never married and seperated after he caught her with another person,he never bother with a paternity test he just took her lying ass for her word) i always catch him in the act of doind things he is not suppose to do, one day he said my 3 year old was drawing on herself but when my mother walked by the room he was holding her leg down and coloring on her, he was out "playing catch" with his cousin and instead was kicking his feet out from under him and laughing about it,his school records even show his disregard for other people,this is just some of the incidents...he lies just like his BM,i cannot stand the kid he never does anything for himself,hes always leaving things laying around and has to be reminded to brush his teeth and pee before he goes to bed or he will piss the bed,he can never eat what everyone else is eating.My brother in laws lil girl was over and playing with all this kids, mind you my daughter is still pretty young at the time and i walked into the room and the SS tells me that my dughters hair cut looks nice and then the brother in laws daughter looks to him and askes him then why did you say it looked funny and were laughing at her.She was younger than him by 4 years and even knew better.Then i had CPS called on me because his mom was claiming i left my SS to watch my BD when i left the house to go shooping and came home with 3 bags were his words(which needless to say is a bunch of bull)and he even went with the story and lied to the cps worker to the point of saying his own father grabbed him by the arm and threw him in his vehicle.The case was closed but it was closed as a moderate risk due to lack of evidences and even noted he sounded as if he were coached to say the things he did ...he is lazy he does not clean up after himself, he expects everyone to entertain him he does not know how to use his own imagination...when i was a kid i didn't have a choice you find something to do or get put to work is what i tell him and he just pouts. We took him on a trip with us to a water park and he ended up getting sick and then later told us that when his BM took him to the exact same park that he ened up sick as well


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RE: Can't Accept My Stepson

I have a horrible stepson too. He's breaking up our family. He's not even my partner's son, he's a result of an affair. He's a freak, 6'5", IQ of 70 and has emotional and behavioural "problems".

He's also really ugly, flat headed, racist, mouth breather who eats with his mouth open, stares at people with a gormless look, tips his head on his side and plays with his ears.
He has no friends, is mean to animals, is 17 and his mum who won the house in the divorce has dumped her freak on me.

His mother divorced my partner 2 years before we met. Why the hell should I have him in my house: I come from a very diverse background and have good looking, athletic sons at college and I would never have had a pasty, weak bodied and brained inbred retard like him.

No-one who's meant to love him want to be with him, so why should I? He doesn't wash, make a mess when he uses the bathroom and my partner lied to me and himself by saying "he's a little slow, but he will grow out of it"
I really enjoyed this rant, thank you


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RE: Can't Accept My Stepson

Badstepmother... as horrible as this child may behave it sounds as if he cannot help himself.

You can.

Grow up lady.


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RE: Can't Accept My Stepson

please, are you for real? he has mild cognitive impairment, he clearly did not choose to have IQ of 70. I do have to say though that i know plenty of people with IQ of 70 and below and what you described does not even sound real. did you make it up to get people going? nice...


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RE: Can't Accept My Stepson

I typed in "can't stand my stepson" and found all these postings. I too can't stand my SS. He is 11 yrs old, an only child and can do no wrong in his fathers eyes. I have 3 children of my own ages 5,9,12 (2 girls and 1 boy). I have been with my BF now for 2 years. When I came into the relationship my SS was sleeping in the same bed with his dad. He was 9 yrs old at the time. He is very spoiled(4wheelers,dirtbike, snowmobile and so on). His mother is in the picture and she has him everyother weekend and a few nites a week. Here is the problem....My SS is very jealous of me and my children. He lays on his dads lap and hugs and kisses him on the lips all the time. It is no exageration he does this all the time. It makes me and my kids uncomfortable. My SS is a bigger boy and he weighs about 165ibs. My BF allows this. My SS is also very mean to my children when my BF is not around. He is very sneaky and manipulative and my BF does not see this. I have tried so many times and many different ways to approach and talk about this to my BF but he gets so so so defensive and tells me that this isn't going to work and he chooses his son over me and my kids and I need to go and move out. So now I feel I can't talk to him so I hold everything inside and so do my kids. I have a fair amount of resentment towards my BF and my SS. Im angry and frustrated. My son is a year and half older than my SS and he is so frustrated with him. My son is outgoing. He is in all the sports and is one of the star players. He is also an honor roll student if not high honor. My BF came down on me so hard a few weeks ago saying that his son is coming to him complaining that my son gets to go skiing every weekend and do stuff for all his sports and its not fair. He told me that since me and my F____ng kids moved in his son has taken backseat. This killed me. Im so hurt. My son tried to help teach my SS how to ski and even snowboard but he didn't like it. He gave up very quickly. My son does go skiing most every weekend because it is good exercise, he likes it, and he is not in front of the tv, ipod or laptop. My son too is a bigger boy like my SS. When my son does all these things, i take my girls to the movies, go sliding, let them have a friend over and so on. I also do the same for my SS. My SS is so manipulative also. When its time for him to visit his mom and be with her, he cries to his dad and says he doesn't want to go so my BF lets him stay home. We have it set up so that all the kids go visit with their other parents on the same weekend so we have every other weekend to ourselves. We agreed that we needed this time to be togethter to make this blended family thing work. My SS will go in the bathroom and secretly call his dad and ask to come home from his moms. And most of the time he lets him. My children have a great relationship with their dad and so do I. I'm just so frustrated. He never says no to him. When my SS calls he asks what we are doing and my BF won't tell him the truth because he doesn't want to upset him so he lies to him and just tells him we are home doing nothing. I feel like a nothing. Im so mad and angry. Even my BF's friends don't like the way my SS treats and has treated their kids. They complain to me all the time and no one dares to say a thing to my BF. What do I do? I love my BF and have a fair amount of like for my SS. My children do love my BF and can do without the SS. I'm fed up and need a little advice. Sometimes I feel guilty for feeling so negative about my SS. I get a lot of anxienty around him and Im trying to help my kids too. I tell them to ignore him and point out that someday things will change. I believe very much that my BF's and SS relationship is a little unhealthy. My BF is treating him like a baby and not letting him grow up. I feel he is so needy of his son as his son is so needy of his dad. I always try to take my kids and leave them alone to be together because it was expressed to me several times by my BF that he wants a fair amount of time with his son alone. When I do leave and give them this time, I am treated poorly when i return. I just don't know. Please I will take some advice.


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RE: Can't Accept My Stepson

--"Please I will take some advice."--

No you won't. Your boyfriend has been telling you this is not working and to leave for a while now. He calls you children 'F^^^ing kid'. He has told you he has no intentions of letting you come between his son and himself and that he will always choose his son.

So what part of his 'advice' have you ever listened to and taken. He's been telling you in very clear terms what your life will continue to be if you stay. The guy just is not all that into you and your children. Take the hint and move out. Get on with your life. Be happy, set yourself free and concentrate on yourself and your children.

You typed in 'I can't stand my stepson'. First, he's not your stepson...you live with your boyfriend; second, you could have just as well typed in 'my boyfriend can't stand me and I'm not listening'.

You're better than this, don't deserve to be mistreated nor is this a guy who is ever going to make you happy... pack it up and go


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RE: Can't Accept My Stepson

Well, justmetoo has summed it up very well.
Why the he// are you staying with someone who treats you poorly, enables his son (in what does look from what you describe as a very unhealthy relationship) and refers to your children as "F...ing kids"? What do you get out of this relationship? Doesn't sound like much. What does your BF get out of this relationship? I'm betting free housework, sex and possibly financial help with the household.
You say you have some weekends free so you can work at "making this blended family work". Doesn't seem to be working. Insanity is doing what you've always done and expecting a different result.
Take your BF's advice, it isn't going to work and your children and you need to pack up and move out. You all deserve better than this, and it isn't going to happen while you stay.


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RE: Can't Accept My Stepson

I have an eight year old son and my fianc�e has three kids, a 12yr son, 11 and 5yr old daughters. I love his daughters! They aren�t perfect but they are wonderful girls!! I am having a hard time with the 12yr old and I just don�t know what to do because I can honestly say I hate him and I know �hate� is a strong word to use, especially towards a 12yr old.
My son is super hyper, like bounce off the walls hyper, and he�ll ask a million questions (some are really silly). I know he can drive people up a wall because he drives me nuts but I don�t tell him to �shut up� or call him annoying. I don�t kick him in his nuts under the table when no one is looking�My son told me he was being kicked and at first I didn�t believe it until the 12yr old kicked me by accident under the table when he was trying to kick my son. My fianc�e acts like I�m overreacting but I don�t think I am.
The sad thing is when someone finds something they dislike about someone more things seem to surface. I started noticing how rude and inconsiderate he is to his own siblings and to adults. I am just dumbfounded how a 12yr old can think he can hit an 8yr old who literally weighs half as much as him. I tried setting him up in his own room but then he shuts the door in people�s faces and my son will ask if he can watch him play, watch not play, the PS3 and he slams the door in his face even though my son shares everything to a fault with him. It�s infuriating. If it wasn�t ALL the time I could understand but he seems to go out of his way to mean to my son.
A couple of weeks ago he brought a friend over and I overheard him tell his friend how annoying my son is and how he can�t speak English. My son has a speech impediment and has been struggling with his �r�s but he ONLY speaks English!! Then my son called him stepbrother and the 12yr old looks over to his friend and says "my dad�s not marrying his Mom" OMG I just don�t know what to do? HELP!


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RE: Can't Accept My Stepson

Hi, I posted on here a long time ago, I think my comment was an example of one of the ugliest sides of humanity. What happens when a person really falls away from love and light. I must tell you from my personal experience, it does get so much better. My 'step' relationship sparked a spiritual journey for me. It was a challenge and challenges show us what we are made of. It takes a lot of courage to be 100% honest with yourself about what you are feeling or the person you have become, especially if you are afraid you wont like it, I'm speaking for myself. If you just have the courage to see with eyes of love, you'll see all of the beauty that, yes, even your step children have to teach you :) That has certainly been my case with my stepson.

For some reason, I was very afraid, well, its understandable actually, I had no parenting experience and am still young. I prayed and put it in my mind that there had to be a way to live a happy loving life that includes every member of the family. I said to myself, this un loving person, this is not me, I won't accept that. I prayed, then I prayed some more, and I grew the courage to see my stepson with new eyes, curious eyes, to really see him, to really look without fear, and I promise you, you will see love because that's what is there in every single person. Forget about chores for a while, forget for a little while that they are difficult or any of that, let dad handle it lol. What I'm trying to say is, take the time to intentionally see your step kids with unconditional acceptance, with curiosity because you want to know who they are, and you will find the love is already there. I've come a long way but I can say that my stepson has been one of my biggest teachers, he is a beautiful soul, and I love him very much. We are all blessed, whether we know it or not. I hope you get to see what I am talking about. And you will smile a lot more :)


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RE: Can't Accept My Stepson

Honestly, I thought I was the only person goin through this mess!!! I have an 11 yr old SS and I don't get along with him at all! I don't like the kid period! My husband is starting to get annoyed with his 2 days a week visits and him not coming to out place unless we're doing something "fun" or spending money on him!!
My husband gives him options though, like, "if you don't start making an effort with my family, we won't take you to wonderland" or "we may be going to Darien Lake this summer, if you don't start coming around you won't be coming with us". I have 3 children that I want to do things with and I'm not spending my money to include him because of the situation!! I don't work that way! I don't financially support him anymore. I used to but now he doesn't even talk to me, he thanked me through a doorway for $500 worth of Xmas gifts (that only I bought), he's rude, tried to get my son in trouble all the time. I can't stand him and I really don't know what to do!!! I've discussed things with my husband but it never changes or turns into a huge argument! Do I leave? Or do I put up with it and live unhappy due to a child? Help, I need advice!!!


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RE: Can't Accept My Stepson

Hi

I know I'm coming in a bit late too this conversation

All I ask is remember this is a child, a very confused, hurt and upset child.

He has lost his security, his world as he knew it.

It is really hard for children to accept that their parents have separated and moved on in their own lives.

This is such a final statement which some children struggle to come to terms with.

My son [now] 19 could never accept His father and I were not going to get together again, in his "bubble" world one day we would. Even today although he is 19 and I have remarried and been with my husband for 9 years he still says "in my mind mum you and dad will be back together, because that's what I want"

He has admitted to me not liking my husband for many reasons but he is never rude to him now and he is polite.

He accepts that my husband makes me happy and my son wants to see me happy.

My husband always told my son I can never be your father as you have one already but I can be your friend.

In a way my son viewed this as another form of rejection again from a "father" and this sent him of the rails completely, it culminated in a face off, with my son walking out and arranging, before I could do anything, to go back to his dad's

It is never easy picking up the broken pieces of another person's previous relationship, it is even harder when there are children involved as they are the innocent victims of it all.

Try within your heart to find understanding of how this child must be feeling, he is testing you to see how far he can push you, prove him wrong, show him no matter how horrible he is you will be there for him and still love him, eventually over time he will come to trust you and then you both will be able to build on the relationship, which will be special to the 2 of you.

It is possible but you must dig deep and be strong

it is the best option for the 2 of you

you can not change the relationship the childs has with either parent, but you can change the relationship the child has with you, and as the adult you must be the stronger and lead

I hope you are able to find the inner strength to do this for yourself and the child ~ remember it is not his fault, he is just caught up helplessly and innocently in an adult relationship which sadly went wrong ......


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RE: Can't Accept My Stepson

I'm curious to know if the original poster (TheNewMomma) is still around? The boy is now 23 years old. I'm interested to know how he turned out and how your husband's relationship with him is now?


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