Needing advise...

14 years ago

I have been living with my BF for the last 4 years. A little over 16 months ago, his 27 year old daughter moved in with us along with her 28 year old bf.

They own their own house but had decided to completely renovate it to the point where it was not livable. They'd asked if they could stay for two weeks until they rented an apartment, but once they'd moved in, they said they couldn't afford to move out.

A couple of weeks after they moved in, we found out that she was pregnant.

They've never paid rent or helped out with any of the household bills.

While they were living with us, she decided to upgrade her vehicle so that she would have something nice before the baby was born. She ended up buying a year old SUV with $450/mo car payments.

She's never paid daycare because her mom watches the baby while she works.

The baby is now almost a year old and they haven't made any plans to leave. They haven't put any money into their home to finish the renovations nor have they worked on the house for months.

They were both working, but she just quite her job to go back to school. She's made comments which make it sound as if she's planning on staying with us for the next four years while she finishes school.

Her and I don't really get along. I love her and the baby, but we are both controlling people so there is always tension in the air. Another problem is that my BF doesn't want to cause conflict so he won't let me say anything to her even if there is something she's done that really bothers me.

They are slobs -- they cook dinner but never make enough for everyone and the kitchen looks like a disaster has struck each time they leave it. I'm a neat freak, so this has been something that has really bothered me since they moved in. They've taken over our living room, dining room, and kitchen -- plus, they have their own bedroom. We seem to barricade ourselves in our room whenever we're home because the rest of the house is a mess.

They don't contribute to the bills yet leave every light on throughout the day/night and will leave the door open when they go out of it. I made a comment to her that she may need to help with the electric bill if they don't start turning the lights off and shutting the door. She called her dad and he was upset with me for saying anything.

I make more money than he does and pay the majority of our household bills, so I felt that I had every right to say something.

His daughter is a manipulator likes to cause problems between her father and I. He doesn't see it -- he thinks she can do no wrong. I've talked with him repeated over the last year letting him know that I can't live like this for much longer. I've asked him to collect rent from them and we can save it up and give it to them so that they can finish renovating their house. They have saved nothing since staying with us. I've told him that I would pay their rent for a specified amount of time while they fit it into their budget. I've asked him to talk to her and set a time limit on how long they could stay -- 3 months, 6 months, etc.

He will do none of these things. He believes that she would see any of these things as kicking her out and he refuses to do that.

Like I said, she's been causing us to have a lot of fights lately...mainly because I'm so annoyed by what she doing and I can't say anything to her. It's caused a lot of tension and resentment between us, but I love him with all of my heart. I had hopes to spend the rest of my life with him.

Last week, I decided to move out. I've told him that I just can't do it anymore...that I love him and still want to be with him, but I can't live with them anymore.

I've felt as if the house is his and hers and not his and mine.

Now, I'm wondering if I did the right thing.

I am happier because I don't have to come home and be angry or annoyed by her, but I am miserable because him and I are no longer under the same roof.

He is trying to understand my perspective but is having a hard time. He is feeling rejected and abandoned.

I want to seek counseling, but am not sure if he's willing to do it.

I just wanted to see if anyone had a similar situation and if they did move out, did they make it work in the long run? I didn't want to give up on our relationship, but I'm afraid that I can't take back what I did by moving out. I had hoped that he would finally see that I really can't do this anymore and look seriously at one of the suggestions that I'd offered.

Comments (10)

finedreams
14 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
you can make it work in the long run if he is willing to make changes and set boundaries with his daughter within reasonable amount of time, like a couple of months. it is a great decision to move out, what you described is horrid and is not livable at all. if he wants to put up with this ridiculous living arrangement then let him do it but you do not have to deal with it, working and supporting bunch of lazy adults. he is not willing to set boundaries with his daughter? too bad, you have your own life to live. move out, suggest to him to make changes, give it few months, if things don't change move on to something better. good luck

hugs
weed30 St. Louis
14 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
You absolutely did the right thing by moving out. Had you not, things would have gone on status quo. Your BF now knows you are serious about things changing. It's his move now. He can either set the expectation that his daughter and BF act like adults, or continue to let them use him (previously you and him) for a doormat.

Are you still paying the majority of the bills? Who owns the house?
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terinick
14 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
When I read ... "Last week, I decided to move out."
I literally cheered out loud WOO-HOO!

Unfortunately splitting up with your boyfriend is the tough part. You've basically given him an ultimatum ... me or your 27 year old daughter.

Hopefully he'll make the right choice ... YOU.

The solutions you presented to your boyfriend to "take back your life" were extremely generous. You are an amazing woman.

And you are single.

If your boyfriend doesn't get his daughter and son-in-law out of the house (you pick the time frame) then pull up your boot straps, heal and find another man that deserves you.

NEXT.
colleenoz
14 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Well if anyone should feel rejected and abandoned it should be you. You made it clear that you were not happy with the living arrangements imposed on you in your own home by people who are uncaring of your feelings in the matter, and the person who should have your back instead supported the imposition.
I think in moving out you did the right thing. Now either your BF will come to his senses and set a time limit for his DD and her BF to stand on their own feet, or he won't. If he doesn't, then clearly you're NOT his top priority and this is your confirmation that he was not destined to be your life partner.
It's not like his DD is 16 and unable to support herself. If she makes poor decisions she needs to learn to deal with it, Daddy isn't going to be around forever and making her dependent on him is no favour to either.
catlettuce
14 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Heck yes you absolutely did the right thing! Go read a few of my old posts if you want a glimpse of what the future held if you stayed under those circumstances.

My hat is off to you & I hope I get the strength to do the same real soon.

-Cat
catlettuce
14 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Heck yes you absolutely did the right thing! Go read a few of my old posts if you want a glimpse of what the future held if you stayed under those circumstances.

My hat is off to you & I hope I get the strength to do the same real soon.

-Cat
sweeby
14 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
"He is trying to understand my perspective but is having a hard time."

Hello?
Knock, knock (on his head) Is anyone home in there?
Why on earth should he have a hard time understanding why you would be unhappy? How could anyone be that dense? Especially when you have told him!

Move out and STAY moved out until 'the kids' are gone and self-supporting again.
Most likely, by then you'll be over this clueless and spineless guy and on to someone with more going on.

And DEFINITELY read Catlettuce's posts over on the marriage forum for a glimpse of what your life could be like if you do anything short of a complete walk-out.
freezetag
14 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
We have a family friend whose son lived with her (rent-free) his entire life, but after she passed away, her son was homeless within a couple of years.

Your BF may think he is doing his daughter a favor by letting her stay free of charge, but helping her learn to budget and plan for the future would be a far greater favor!

Maybe if you present it to him in this way, your suggestions (which were sensible and extremely generous) would seem more appealing.
sylviatexas1
14 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
nah, he isn't having a hard time understanding;
understanding would not serve his purpose, so he does not "understand".

You did the right thing.
finedreams
14 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
SO has a cousin whose all three grown sons live with them, rent=free, now they all brought GFs with them who also pretty much live there, no one is doing anything around the house, they used to go to school but they don't go anymore, none of them got any degree or profession, they work random low pay part time fast food-jobs. Cousin's bills are astronomical, especially food.

On tne weekends his sons and GFs get up at noon, eat, go to gym, come back hungry again, ask for food, eat, have friends over, play music, make noise, eat some more, watch TV, then eat at night, and it goes till 1AM-2AM. Cousin has no guts to tell them anything, so they take advantage of it.

Cousin himself is educated professional who works very hard at his job and around the house, and i do not understand why and how he raised his kids like that? How do people not set limits and boundaries, we have to help children but this is not helping, this is crippling. I don't get it. We stayed there once for a weekends and i was physically sick from watching it, but they live like this a day after day. Crazy.

Needing advise...

Comments (10)

finedreams

weed30 St. Louis

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