Philomena has it right, but it cannot be emphasized enough -- have the new site ready *before* digging up anything. Moving plants is hard work and so is preparing a new bed, you'll do best if you only do a bit at a time. If you don't already have them, I'd suggest using this year to photo what comes up (at least once a week); and spend time to prepare the new area. Do yourself a favor and consider whether to include drip irrigation and hardscaping in the new bed, especially lawn edging with or without a raised wall to edge the bed. Time and money required, but irrigation quickly pays for itself, and a wide mowing edge is wonderful for keeping grass out of the flowers. From the list you give, you have quite a few plants, and some may need to be divided, so be ready to either plant extras or give away the surplus plants.

@ parent of one: i know that smacking his bum was not the best choice but given the cirucumstances it was all i could think of to get it through his head that he'd better not do that again. and he hasn't so i guess it served it's purpose. other than that i think i will just continue to step back and keep my distance if possible. i have already done the parenting courses. i have also been attending the odd lecture when they come up. there is a support group i could attend but DH does not want to go, and he does not want me to take the kids even if there is childcare there and i am hesitant to leave him with all the children for the amount of time it would take to get there and be back because he is lacking in the patience department. he also will not go to any type of parenting group or agree to have anyone come into the home and 'tell him how to raise his kids' as he puts it. i realize that SS is too young to be given up on but don't want to be the one who has to deal with it. i will be nice to him and help him with things if i need to but i'm not goint to volunteer to do it if he doesn't ask me. he is not all bad. he spent about half an hour sitting on me today and hugging my neck while i was watching a movie. that was nice. @mom of 4. dh does not really listen to me. i have tried to show him things i've learned at parenting courses and he always says okay he'll try it but if he does it's once and then that's it. i can't even get him to go to the dentist regularely nevermind a therapist. he has his own issues which is why i was handling everything with SS on my own as well as most of the other kids although he does have alot more patience and understanding for the other 2 younger kids.

"his ex hates my husband she is not sad they they are not together. She likes to cause trouble though." I didn't mean that she is pining away for him, but you said, "My husband was fooling around with the mother of his other child for years on top of everything to start off. I stayed with my husband because I believe in love and 2nd chances." & I thought you are saying that he was fooling around with the mother of this 8 year old & if he was doing that while he was seeing you, then yes this child saw his parents 'together' at least in some way, unless they were so sly that they hid it from their own child. And even if the mother hates him & is not sad, that does not mean she does not let her son know how angry she is (anger is also a feeling that is much easier to express than hurt, so who knows if she truly hates him or is hurt he finally ended it with her and married you) but I'm sure the child picks up on those feelings because children are little sponges & know more than most people give them credit for. If mommy is angry all the time at daddy, of course it's going to affect how he feels about daddy's house & the new wife, baby, etc. "I think that it's good to be proactive and encourage my stepson to be nice to my son. I don't try to force it upon him. To me to encourage him to love his brother should be a good thing. I agree that yes he is eight and may be frustrated which is understandable. I just don't think that it should be ok that he takes it out on my 2 year old son. If their our any mothers out there you know how you are protective over your children no matter who it might be. If it was my neice , my friend son. I would not stand them to be nasty to my children." If you want to protect your 2 year old, then never allow the 8 year old to be alone with him. It's THAT simple. If dad refuses to acknowledge the problem, then it rests with YOU to protect the baby & make sure he's always in your sight when big brother is around. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be a happy little family, but if he (the 8 year old) does not want that, it is going to backfire to force it. I believe he does know right from wrong & he has anger, resentment issues... maybe from how his mother expresses, directly or inadvertently. He is manipulative if he changes face when dad comes around the corner & I agree with Sylvia that is a dangerous child that does that. (reminiscent of "the good son") Lovehadley has a great point that leaving is probably not the best idea since the child only comes over every other weekend and leaving could place the younger child in jeopardy when he would visit. The bottom line is that unless mom & dad are willing to work together to find out why their son is so aggressive & deal with it, then the only solution is to never allow your baby to alone with him. Yes, he was part of the package as you & your kids were part of a package, but YOU and your DH accepted each other's package... the kids don't get a choice. He didn't choose the package so how can you expect him to accept you as you've accepted him. You are the adult.

I didn't read all the posts so someone probably already said that you are deluding yourself. He will do the same thing to you and your children as he has done to the other three. Also, you might take a step back for the time being and get your house in order. One thing is you have no business resenting a child. Another thing is that child's behavior depends more on you than anything else. If you set rules in your own household for behavior, he would be obliged not to do the things you dislike, like not cursing and not listening to undesirable music that are a bad influence on the other children in your home. Lastly, get some counseling to learn how to properly direct your feelings. You are married to a jerk and you are as much a jerk for complaining rather than doing anything about it and for disliking a child who has done nothing to you outside of reacting to your own behavior and displays of resentment. Understand this, that child, like any other, would very likely have accepted your love, attention, kindness with open arms, but you have put him off. Don't think he does not recognize how you feel. You cannot hide it if you tried although I doubt you have tried. To answer your question, the way to deal with this child is to decide to be a very good influence in his life. I hope you will also consider that while strangers don't know all the details, they also cannot all be wrong. When you are hurt and trying to accept baby #6, #7, and goodness knows how many more or when you and your baby are left out in the cold with the others, just remember there were a bunch of strangers who told you so, but you chose to ignore them. When in a relationship, every woman feels like "it won't happen to me." But it always does. But you didn't ask for that advice, so take it or leave it.